My wife is a good person, whe has gone through extremely rough times since our 3 1/2 year old twins were born. I have assumed most of the duties in our household. In March of 1999 my wife told me that I repulsed her and that she wanted counseling. At the initial meeting she was told she was suffering from severe depression. Now that she is on medication, going to both single and joint counseling she is much better. But she says she has little love for me, no desire, and can barely stand to have me touch her. She says this is especially hard because she knows I am a good person and father. I love my boys and really want to give this a shot for their sake. Has anyone been through this and can it be resolved?

Father of Twins,<P>Its a very strong statement for your wife to say that she is repulsed by you.I cant imagine having a spouse say those words to me. I would guess that there is some definite feelings of resentment inside of her towards you.What would make her say such harsh words? Although I have never been through a situation like yours, I can surely give you some direction and advice.<P> Its very important for your wife to open up to you and communicate whats going on inside of her. Why does she have those feelings towards you? You really need to get the communication flowing between you and your wife, and get down to the root of those things that are destroying your marriage.In your counseling sessions.. its really a great place to get issues out in the open. Now if your wife has those feelings for no apparent reasons at all...then she needs counseling for herself. I hope you are making progess in the counseling. Being a Father of Twins is something to be very proud of, and I'm sure you are.Just remember that things can be resolved in your marriage, if there has been problems in your marriage in the past, hurtful things said or done that has never been resoved...well you need to make amends with your wife, find out where exactly she is comming from and why...when she says those harsh words to you. Start working at getting to the root reasons for those attitudes that she has. If you absolutly dont have a clue why..then your wife needs counseling.<P> Marriage is a joint union between two people. Its takes two people (husband & wife)working together with the same goal in mind, which is building a strong, healthy, loving relationship together. If one spouse breaks down, it will inevitably cause the other spouse to break down, until you find out where the problem is.. then you get mended and continue to grow again. This type of thing happens in every marriage. A Breakdown in communication.Hopefully your wife will soften up and allow herself to love you again. I know from my own marriage that when I feel resentful towards my husband and he finally gets me to open up to him, its the best thing that can happen. Its allows healing to happen and causes growth in our relationship together. It will take time and patients, and it takes two. Hang in there......Violet1<P>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 09, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 09, 1999).]

I think the post before mine said it wonderfully. I really feel for you. I sounds like your at least going to counseling which is positive. I totally admire you for devoting so much time to your children, twins at that. I took care of twins and know that it isn't easy. I can't understand why your W would feel that way towards you. Sounds to me like there is something deeper going on with her. Take care.

I appreciate the comments and feel they are on point. My wife is dealing with problems in single counseling for her while we attend joint counseling. I have said many times that I am not the worlds greatest person but can't figure out what is driving this. My wife says that she does not know. One issue that has come out is that because I have taken on so much responsibility during my wifes depression that she feels as though she ahs nothing of value to add. Her therapist indicated that she may feel resentful to me for taking away those things. Aside from that we don't have anything to work on and I'm in limbo.

Father of Twins,<P>Counseling is a very wise place to be. You and your wife are taking steps forward in resolving issues in your marriage.It may take many sessions of counseling for your wife to feel strong emotionally and mentally in your marriage. If your wife wants to work things out...then she needs to be willing to make amends herself and not hold on to all the negitive feelings of the past. You mentioned that you are in (limbo)as to what to do? Have you and your wife spent time away together (alone)? If your wife is still currently suffering from depression, then that its very important that she get through as much counseling as possible. Communcicate with your wife that you want her to be happy, you want a healthy balance for the both of you in your marriage.Let her know that things can get better. Its true that you cannot do this alone, repair your marriage. Until she will allow herself to break out of that (Mind Set)that she is in then nothing will change.Its may take some patience and time before things get better. I think the both of you have already taken steps forward with the Counseling Sessions..........Violet1

Hang in there my brother. At least you are both in counseling. My wife has told me she doesn't think she could ever sleep with me again and has been extremely hostile to me, so I know a little of what you are going through. Like has been said earlier, open communication is critical for both of you if your wife is to find the love for you she has buried somewhere deep inside. I say that because if she didn't love you, I can't imagine she would even want to go to joint counseling.

Hi Father_of_Twins! How are you doing? I agree with the post before mine, if she is willing to go to counseling then she is taking a step to keep your marriage alive. I think if she didn't want to be married, she would have left before. I think keeping a positive attitude is the way to go,even though it will be tough. I think a night or weekend out is a great idea! Maybe you can do all the planning and not even tell her about it until you get there! Maybe the romantic get away is something that will help her with what is going on with her inside. Keep your chin up, and remember you have 2 great kids to keep you going? Right?

I want to thank you all for the great comments. I hear a common theme of communication, counseling, and time all of which we are committed to. As she says it didn't get this way overnite and it won't change overnite either. We still hire babysitters and go out. These times are always great, but I think I'll shy away from the romantic weekend as she may feel pressured. Hang in there Dave, while I didn't mention it directly, I'm sure you figured that shw was quite hostile to me back in March when this started. While it may not work out, things are much better now than then. Hopefully, the same will happen for you.

Father of Twins,<BR> Your story could be written by my husband. I want to ask if your wife has ever been sexually abused anytime in her life, childhood? <P>When I started to not enjoy sex, or not to want it with my husband.....it was after our boys were born. Everything he did I felt was a bribe for sex. I got so the pressure was so great that it was on my mind all the time. I felt like every little thing needed paid back with sex......so I just kept my distance and did not let him do anything for me. We still do not have sex. Will not tell where my heart has gone......but can tell you that when sex became an extension of our souls, I no longer hate sex. When someone told me one time that he could give me a total body rub down in the nude and not expect or push for sex afterwards...I actually wanted to have sex with this person. I want to make love to a man, not repay him for doing the dishes. At home I compare sex to vacuuming, you just have to do it sometimes. I shower immediately afterwards....do not come back to bed until he is asleep for the night. I hate foreplay, I hate to cuddle with him, because I feel he is only doing it because he wants intercourse. I am not saying your wife feels like this. Maybe just try to get to know her soul with out any underlining sex tones. A man I care about deeply, who has shown me that you can make love, that the songs on the radio really do happen, we have a saying that gets us through a lot of moments......good and bad, it is: No expectations, no promises! I could never promise him anymore then friendship and he never expected anything more then friendship..........There are three basic parts to every relationship. no matter if it is friend or lover, no matter if it is male to male friend, female to female friend, or female to male. first step is friendship, then it is the friendship that is so deep you put that persons needs ahead of your own, would drop anything to help them when they need you. Then the natural step for the female/male relationship is a physical relationship.......you can not have the third without the first two. Be her friend!<BR>R2

This is in response to inloveonline. While I appreciate your comments and understand your comments regarding everything leading to sex. I am concerned by some things you said. You are still married? You are having an affair? You view friendship and full committment from one person to another? Yet you are having an affair? Did you inform your husband of your feelings? Did you go to counseling? I hope I misinterpreted you and that you are divorced.

Father of Twins,<P>Sorry but you are right on. I am still married, have twin sons who are 7. Do not talk to my husband about anything, much less the fact I have fallen in love with another man. The OM was my friend first, then he put my feelings ahead of his, then the third step happened. a year later, he is my knight in shining armour. H has no clue, I am a sweet little methodist girl who would never do anything like that. Well, guess what, I did. and still am, will continue to see OM. Divorce is in my future. Not sure how to go about it, to be the easiest for my boys. I am not proud of what I am doing. Have lost many hours of sleep. But have been on my own in this marriage for a long time. Husband pulled away from me, I tried to grad hold and pull him back, but he does not want to be my friend, he wants me to be his maid, nanny, and to ensure he will have sex once in a while. He is man hear him roar. I was lonely, scared, almost depressed. This wonderful man, 14 years older then I am, came into my life and became my friend. That is all it was to be. Yes, it started on line. It was like I had a journal to spill my darkest secrets to, and it replied. He was a faceless, nameless dear friend. Then we slowly progressed to the chat line, to the phone, to a meeting in a crowed room, to now meetings in private. The key word here is friendship. I have learned from OM that friendship has to be first most in the marriage. I want to make love to this man, can not wait to see him.....so on and so on. and for the last five years sex with my husband has made me ill. He is not interested in the mind and soul that goes with the body. He could get what he gets from me, from a hole in a tree trunk. No emotions before or after. OM, makes me feel wanted, loved, he needs me and thinks I have a brain. He actually listens to me talk. What I was trying to tell you is your wife is worn out from being mom and needs a friend. Be her friend, share her soul, can you answer the following questions about her, my husband of 11 years could not, but my OM of one year could.<BR>1. Her favorite color,<BR>2. deepest fear?<BR>3. darkest secret?<BR>4. if blindfolded could you pick her hand out from amoung five others?<BR>5.her top 4 priorities in life?<BR>6. her life ambition<BR>7.happiest moment of her life?<BR>Can you answer these?<BR>do not judge me, you do not know me, I have just survived for 11 years....well first one was not too bad,,,,,last five have been very cold.......the last year of my life since OM, I am happy.<BR>hang in there!

Hi, I my self have gone through a really bad depression, & I can tell you I did feel that way about my husband too. He was't there for me when I needed him. I alsothink , that a deep down in side I blamed my H for trapping me with kids.(crazy, I know) But, when we are hurting we seem to blame the ones we love the most. I think your on the wright road. I also wanted to say, when guys only offer affection when they want sex, it's a big turn off. Your wife is tired she needs lots TLC. Foot rubs, neck rubs, back rubs with no strings attached. Start dating her again, surprise her. Get away for a weekend. Let her feel some freedom. <P>I hope it works out.<P>Yours,<P>Mother of four

Inlove.........<P> I swear you are my twin LOL I too have meet another. He makes me feel like nobody has ever. I just had along talk with spouse today. I finally have lifted a ton of weight off my shoulders. He said we needed to talk. Well I told him that I think he knows where our marriage is headed. He asked if we could try. I said I am sorry I have tryed to get feelings back now for 2 years and they just are not there. He asked if I could ever have them again and I said to be honest no. He thanked me for being honest and said he now knows where he stands. I told him I am sorry if I hurt him. Well hes going to start and look for his own place. He says he feels his life is ending beings he won't be here with the kids all the time. I said you may see them when ever you want and I am not vindictive I will not use them against you ever. I mean that too. I said lets stay friends and be there for the kids now. I think its time for us to end yes but time to start a new chapter in my life. In ways it felt strange but then again it felt good to be honest about it. I told him we never learned to communicate through our whole marriage and that destroys alot. And this would have come weather I meet my other person or not. Its been coming and building. So he needs to know deep down to that he will be happier not walking around here on eggshells like we have both been for so long. Well In Love please keep me informed on your situation too. Thanks everybody for all the responses I have read these past few months it has helped me. I will keep coming and reading in here too.

I must say the responses are appreciated. I am somewhat saddened that most of the responses are regarding situations that did not work out. I hear people often talk of what hurts them in the relationship. husband pays no attention, lazy, refuses to help with the kids, etc.. How I wish that were me. As I keep saying, I have nothing to work on. I have always been negative regarding affairs because I believe in committment. I understand that people have different circumstances in life, and have reasons for their actions. The thing I miss most about my relationship with my wife is the thought of having someone who is always your number one supporter. Perhaps it is those people who marry others who could care less about them, that look for that outside of marriage. So maybe I understand the affairs, I certainly appreciate the advice and truely hope you will all do well in current or new relationships. In closing, is there anyone who has a good ending to a story such as mine. You know the husband and wife ride off happily into the sunset? LOL, today means lots of luck. LOL.

Father of Twins,<P>Looks like there was no quick response on whether there is anyone who knows a husband and wife who rode off happily into the sunset. I guess thats because marriage isnt about riding off happily into the sunset.I'm sure you know that Broken down marriages can get better,your wife will need to show you she loves you and is willing to work those problems out with you. Just do your part in trying to help her the best you can to communicate....things can get better.