<BR>The man I love is 14 years older then I am. I am 31. He makes me very happy, he completes my soul. My question is: what about the future.....lets say 10 to 20 years down the road......what happens in marriages or relationships with such big age differences. What kind of fears does he have about the age differences that he has not expressed that I should be concerned with?

inloveonline - having read your other thread, I think the age difference is the lesser of your worries compared to the face that you are both currently married to other people and have children. So you're looking at not just the age difference, but a relationship that was pursued under conditions of strained secrecy, two messy divorces and a blended family.<P>That said, the most common problems in a relationship with big age differences include growing apart (at a faster rate than age-matched couples), physical stamina inequalities, and not having the same cultural reference points. It's akin to being with someone from another culture, in some ways. And this is not to say it can't work, but in light of your other "problems", it doesn't help things much.

Thank you for reminding me of my "other problems". I know the relationship has many underlining problems. And we address these together. The age thing seems to bother him more then me. He says it works out better for him then me, because every man wants to be taken care of by a younger woman. But the emotional support he offers takes care of me now. He worries about me down the line and that is what bothers him. I would like to know what to do to help ease his worries. The different generation of cultured advents has been a learning expirence for us both. I find his music interesting and have even bought a few new CD's. He has broaden my pallet and my knowledge of a time period when I did not exsist. His children are young adults and I help ease the stress of raising college age daughters and the issues they face. I can relate to what his daughters are saying and help make their dad get a better grip on what they want to do! So, at the present time it is an asset, but what about later, (and we are both headed for divorce court, and we are going to date) so what kind of concerns does he have? I know he has mentioned the physical ability to keep up with me when we are 20 years down the road. He has even joked about needing viagra in the future......but I think his joking is his way of covering up a true fear he has.

I'm not surprised the age difference bothers him more than you. In cases like this, the older person usually worries that he/she won't be able to keep up (in various ways)with the younger person, and that the younger person will eventually get bored and leave. And since he's a man, he's probably only half kidding when he jokes about Viagra.<P>Just theorizing here - your communicating with his daughters so well might give him mixed feelings too. On the one hand, it surely pleases him to know that you'll all get along, but on the other hand, it may highlight the age difference for him (in that he places you on his daughter's generational level). Fourteen years is a lot. I know they say that age differences matter less after 30, and they do, but that is still a significant gap.<P>I suggest you search for this subject on the Web to get more information, and there is a board on ivillage.com under relationships called "May - December Romances" where people discuss this very problem.<P>On a side note, when are you planning on telling your respective spouses about your affair, if at all?<BR>

inloveonline:<P>Statistically, second marriages fail more often than first marriages. Affairs rarely end up in marriage, and those that do are even less successful than the "run-of-the-mill" multiple marriages.<P>In other words, your chances of being in a happy, successful second marriage with this guy is not good (probably 1-2%). The fact that you have a pretty big age difference, coupled with the evidence that neither one of you are REALLY addressing your marital skills would lead me to advise you NOT to do this.<P>I'm sure that you'll find a few people to support you. But I think it's in your best interests to deal with your current marriage first, learn the marriage skills you need, and then find a suitable partner, if your current marriage ends in divorce.

The point that everyone seems to be missing in my current marriage and life........is that it takes two, my H is not poor mistreated husband, your wife is screwing another man kind of guy. He is, I am man and you are my woman and you are to worship the ground I walk on and if you don't I will make you whole world a mess. I am a victim of incest, a realitive when I was 11 wanted to show me what a man was.....well, I have ( with help from my OM) moved on and have learned to deal with this. the realitive is a successful business man in my town. We can now be in the same room without me wanting to kill him, H told me that if I were to sue for divorce he would tell the town of my family secret. this relative was a kid too at the time and if he and I can move on, no one else needs to know, see how ugly my H can be. he would tell too. This is the type of man who I am married to. OM is just the opposite. marriage skills have to be learned by both partners. OM and I have talked about what we did wrong in our first marriages, we know we are at fault too. We have vowed to keep the lines of communication open always, we share everything, H and I share nothing but an address, because he chooses not too. I am the one having the affair, but He helped get me there. <BR>I am worried about the age difference because he is concerned. I kind of like it. He takes very good care of me, he has already been there before and gives great advice. He worries about me down the road. I just want to know how to reassure him I will be there for him no matter what his health or his physcial limitations will be. Not sure how to convince him I am 10 years younger then his wife.

In Love.......<BR> <BR> I know where you are coming from. I say age if your in love does not make a difference. And that is what he should know also. What I mean about I know where you are coming from people can drive you away. Thats what makes us look elsewhere. Nope like yours mine is not innocent. But yup we are the bad guys because we are in love with another. Well In Love I don't listen to them. I listen to my heart. And thats what you should do too. BTW In Love I am female LOL Don't know why you assumed I was male. Take care keep me informed. I am doing what makes ME happy for once. Good luck

inloveonline:<P>I'm not missing the points. I didn't say that your husband is a poor mistreated guy---although by having an affair you ARE MISTREATING him in the worse way possible.<P>What I'm getting at is you're lying, deceitful, needy, and you're currently involved in a "fantasy" relationship. <P>My advice for you (and anyone else) is:<P>1. Do marriage counseling. Even if your husband flat out refuses, and expects you to worship him---do the counseling. You will grow from that. And you need some growth.<P>2. Assuming the worse, your husband doesn't respond favorably. Separate from him. Still no response? Then divorce him. From where you are right now, 1 & 2 should take anywhere from 12 to 18 months.<P>3. After you're divorced, then start looking for a new relationship, if that's your choice.<P>You're in too deep and can't see how your selfish, narcissistic ways will pretty much guarantee that you will fail in this new relationship. You're blaming your husband for the affair---that's not very healthy. You've screwed up the marriage together, and I'm sure that he's the major contributor to your unhappiness. But this is your affair. And the OM that you're doing this is deceiving and cheating on his wife. How will that feel when he's doing it to you in a few years---because you weren't meeting his needs? Or vice versa? <P>And the advice "follow your heart" is typical from someone trying to justify their affair. Follow your head. Follow the Bible. Follow the moral code handed down from generation to generation. Stop the affair---there's a reason they're considered "wrong". Give your marriage one last (real) effort. And if it doesn't work, get divorced.<P>Believe it or not, I'll get no satisfaction from knowing that 5-10 years down the road that you or wonder will say---"I wish I listened to that ******* K..." I'm trying to save you this pain upfront---it's not an easy choice, but it's the right one.

K..............<P> I will never say down the road I wished I had listened to you. You are a man with every answer in the book. You think you know it all. Well my dear you don't. In Love is being mistreated and I know how that feels living with a drinker for 13 years. So get off your high horse and wish her luck instead of all the other crap. I have been to counceling both alone and with spose. It helped me alone but together it did nothing. And for your information this weekend I told spouse I was not in love with him and could not be ever again. He thanked me for being honest and said he now know where he stands. So we soon will be apart. BTW now hes in denial blaming all of it on me of coarse. Go figure that out. So no thank you on ever wishing I ever listened to you. You are to perfect for me. At least thats what you think in your mind and your so wrong about me and In Love. I know I am not perfect but happy I will be again with my NEW man. And when I am I will write you and tell you see I told you so. Later all not sure want to come here anymore. In Love hon keep in touch I will write to you and read yours still hon.

You "k" are still missing the point. You are a man, and you do not know me. I am a church going, God fearing person. Yes, what I am doing is not moral. But my God will forgive me in time. Second....I do not love my husband,,,,,,but my kids do. OM and I are going to make it, because we love one another. You have such made me mad, and that is hard to do. I am sorry if you got hurt somewhere down the line. I did not hurt you though. Before other man I hated men, thought I would never love any man except my father. OM has shown me that just because you are a man does not make you a jerk. Maybe you should understand that not all women having an affair are jerks. Some of us are nice people. Seperation would be too hard on kids, and my lawyer (yes, I have seen one) says I will come out finacially in the hole if I seperate.......surprise divorce is best.<P>I LOVE MY OM!! Accept it!

My H is 12 years older than I - I've always preferred older men because they are not "threatened" by a strong, opinionated, self-sufficient woman with a great sense of humor. Men my age are looking for little bubbleheaded chick, or so it seems, and I can't stand their immature ways. <P>Older men have a lot to offer. If impotence is an issue for him, assure him you will love him anyways. I know a 22 yr. old who suffered an accident and was left impotent. It can happen at any age and that shouldn't be a determining factor. You can always buy sex toys, and besides, he still has hands and a mouth that work! <P>Either one of you could end up disabled in an accident, and it would be a sad thing if you think you'll lose your spouse on top of being the victim of a tragic accident. I mean, look at the W of Christopher Reeve, she's with him and he's not a rich star anymore and she has to put him on the toilet and feed him and much more. That's love! <P>Love needs to be that deep, and accept nothing less than that. You deserve it, and if you don't think you do - you get what you settle for. Don't marry anyone whom you can't reciprocate that depth of love - your partner deserves better. Love's not attached to an age, a 2nd marriage divorce statistic or an erect penis. (Oops I said a dirty word!<P>Take care

Karma,<BR>thank you for you words from expirence. I do care for him deeply.<P>The attraction does have to do with some of the things you mentioned. I am trying to assure him that I do not care about his physcial state 20 years from now. I am going to use the Superman story on him to show him it could happen at any age. and that love is love.<P>Thank you so much, would appreciate any other information you have to offer.

InLove............<P> You go girl on being happy. Great response from you to K. You were right on the money with your response. You do what makes you happy. I know we can be happy once again. We just have to have faith. I know this person is the best thing to ever happen to me. We both know its going to be some tough times with our kids but we also know being and working things out together they will be happy to. Seeing us happy once again will help. I think Karmas letter is so true. What a nice response that was to read. Love comes within. It should not have to be something you have to force out of yourself to feel toward another. And that is where we both are. We cannot force those feelings anymore that are just not there no matter how hard you try somethings are just not meant to be. So dear please do what makes you happy and what makes the kids see you happy once again. Geez life is just to short to waste all these years not being happy. And yes it must start with oneself inside first but somebody can help complete that over all happiness. Thats what love was made for. Please keep me informed on how you are doing.

inloveonline:<P>Let me address some of your issues. Yes, I am a man. That doesn't mean that I'm incapable of feelings, or that I'm insensitive. I'm just a man. Most of my women friends think I'm a very sensitive, perceptive man (yes---with a big opinion at times, Wonder). <P>Yes, I was hurt by my wife's affair. But that's healed. I'm not taking my anger out on you---I'm giving you advice. Not support---because I don't support your position. But advice. It's getting blunter because you're not letting it through, and I do in fact have very little hope that I'm doing anything other than wasting my time. But so be it. I've posted here for a relatively long time, and lots of people have taken my advice and been "better" for it. And most of my advice is "party-line" MarriageBuilder's stuff. If you want support of what you're doing, you really should be on a OW board. And even there, you'd get mixed opinions.<P>I'm sorry that I've made you mad. But the bottom line is that you're a needy person having an affair, and you have no perspective. You're right: I don't know you. I don't NEED to know you. The statistics are strongly against your relationship working. I've been here over a year, and I've seen plenty of evidence that this is true. If you don't want to listen to me, talk to a counselor like Dr. Harley who is an expert in marriages and infidelity---and it's likely that he'll give you the same opinion. You can call his radio show and ask him yourself.<P>This isn't because we're against you, or that we think you're some immoral slut. It's because the reality is that relationships based on affairs DON'T work. Very rarely. Only when you've done the hard work to learn how to make a marriage work (like Bonnie). You don't "qualify" for this yet. <P>You say that I treat all women who have affairs like they're "jerks". I never have. If the search feature were working, you could read several hundred posts that attest to the fact that I don't label adulterers as evil. And the best example is my wife. She felt pretty similar to the way you felt: not in love with me, in love with her OM. I never mistreated her; I never gave her demands, yelled at her (well, once ). What I did was assess where I went wrong in the marriage and started to work on MYSELF. That's not fair, perhaps, but it was very effective in the end. But it took almost a year of hard work, through lots of pain. Through hurting the children. So inloveonline: I've been there. Moreso than you, in fact---it's still early for you and you could start to recover if you wanted. I tell you to take these steps not because I want to hurt you, but because it's in your best interest to do so. And your children's too. And ultimately your husband's. And the OM's too (believe it or not).<P>On to your pious religious statement. Do you think God will forgive you? Maybe, but maybe not. The best story for that this is the story where the crowd is getting ready to stone the adulteress. As you know, they come to Jesus to ask if the enforcement of the Old Testament law is "OK" by him. He instructs the crowd by saying:<P>"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"<P>Of course, they all go away. Jesus tells the woman:<P>"Your accusers have left. No one has held you accountable. Your sins are forgiven..."<P>but!!!<P>"Go, and sin no more".<P>So, inloveonline: you say that you are a church-going, God-fearing Christian. I'll buy the first part, but you don't fear God---at least not enough to do the right thing. You're in the throes of an addiction (the affair), and you're going to keep on doing it because it "feels good". You're continuing to sin, and you're not going to stop. Are you?<P>Inloveonline: I've never said that you weren't nice. You are confused, addicted, and doing self-destructive things to your life right now. You're making a shambles of your marriage---regardless of how you think your husband treats you, you're not acting responsibly. There is hope for you. The process is:<P>1. Break off the affair<BR>2. Get good marital counseling and tell your husband<BR>3. Work on the marriage<BR>4. Separate, if necessary<BR>5. Divorce, if necessary<P>You can complain about finances (I know all about how expensive affairs, separation, and recovery can be), but that doesn't give you an excuse. You say separation is hard on the kids---you think that divorce is easier???<P>Finally, I do accept the fact that you love your OM. I had to do that with my wife---I'm completely capable of doing that for you. But you should accept this: <P>There's a good chance that in a few years, you won't love your OM. You'll hate him. And on top of that, when you look back at your actions, you'll hate yourself too for taking the path that you're starting out on. And that's the reason I'm bothering debating with you: not because I need to be "right", but because I've seen this happen way, way more times than I've seen a story like Bonnie.

Wonder:<P>I saw that you told your husband. And that he was hurt and disappointed. <P>It's good that you were honest. Did you tell him that you were having an affair? He should know that too.<P>I'm sorry if you think I should just wish you and inloveonline "luck" in your affairs. I won't. And if you're thinking that I'll support you while you spout your "feel good" crap that supports self-destructive behavior, you're wrong. If I was telling people to use crack or heroin, or to murder their spouses (or OP's), I think you'd tend to "disagree". I disagree with your views that there are "justifiable" affairs, and while you're only interested in posting this stuff, I do wish that you would leave these boards.<P>When you're ready to start asking real questions (or giving real support) using the MarriageBuilder guidelines (or something based on moral conduct), then I'd love to see you back.<P><BR>

K....I AGREE with everything you have said. Anyone having an affair and trying every which way to justify that there is nothing wrong with it has serious problems.<P>Inloveonline.....try Posting on the Infidelity forum with these issues. I bet you they will all agree with what K has to say.<BR>

K, I applaud you for bothering to try to enlighten inloveonline in the face of her churlishness. The advice you've given is straight to the point and really, the only right path to take. Personally I think it should also be posted on the Infidelity board for the betrayers to see.<P>inloveonline, I don't understand why you're here -- this is a board for people trying to repair their marriages, not break them up. You should seriously read K's words and do as he has advised. He is right.<P><P>------------------<BR>"One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."<BR>-- Andre Gide

Inloveonline- <P>I feel for you, sister. You're kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, aren't you? And K isn't being very nice either.<P>You were just a baby when you got married. It's gotta be a bummer to spend over half your life with a man whom you don't love. I respect the fact that you were a "dutiful, Christian" wife who stayed in your marriage on behalf of your vow before God. That shows a lot of maturity and morality on your part. <P>Your concern about the impact of D on your kids is touching. You want to be happy, but not at the expense of your boys. Your concern about your age diff. indicates that you don't want to make another mistake and risk a second D. <P>If you decide to get a divorce, plan on being alone and taking care of yourself...don't put yourself in the position of being dependant on a man. <P><BR>

It's amazing to me how people can get their feathers ruffled when they post and someone's opinion does not sound sugar-coated.<P>Listen to K's advice. You don't have to LIKE him to find wisdom in his words. He's not judging you so don't think of it as a personal attack. All he's saying is do things in the RIGHT ORDER for more chance of personal happiness. You know yourself what he's saying is true, though you may not wish to follow it. <P>K, whenever I post in-need, please reply. You're a pretty sharp cookie.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

K...........<P> Well you got my wish MR perfect I am outta here. BTW yes spouse was disappointed but ask me how dissappointed the day he called me a F--- B---- and a C-- when he was drinking. Yeh oh yeh that was fun did not disappoint me being verbally abused. BTW hubby told me if I did find someone who wanted to take me out he would understand. So how ya like that. He knows he cannot fulfill and ha vvn't for along time. You being MALE though know your always right. No I don't justify affairs but I do justify people trying to find happiness once again in there life. Thats all am writing to you again K I really don't care to read your responses anymore. You have cut me and INLOVE every which way possible. Not even knowing our past either. You know bits and pieces not the whole picture and when you have lived behind OUR closed doors well then I will listen to your replys. Later all . InLove I wish you all the best and happiness you so deserve.