Hi Mickey,<BR> I see you sent this thread to the top, how are you doing? Is withdrawl for your H any better? Didn't your H's OW move near you?...yuck........thinking of you, Lu

Hi Mickey,<P>I was surprised to see my post resurface.<P>Withdrawal is hell.

Hey Lu... Its me Mickey.. I am using my H's username because I am using our home computer.. Hopefully you will read this... Yes, ow move a stones throw from our house.. I think we may move... I really dont like being here very much... But.. the good news is, that my H seems to be doing pretty good.. Our vacation was great and he has been in a good mood.. He and Airheart are support persons for each other... H just keeps needing to stay strong with the no contact and he will be ok... He knows what he wants, and what is best for his life.. Hopefully, the more time goes by, the more he will see things clearer...<BR>

Hummingbird... I liked your post and it had some really great withdrawal advice from people who have been through it and are going through it.. I have never completely been in your shoes, but have lost love in my life when I was completely in love and was extrememly hurt... And the best thing I did was stay away...The first few months hurt like mad... and what maybe hurt even more is that I was alone too... Its nice at least that you, airheart, freedom, and my H have spouses to be there for them and help them through this terrible time.. Thats a GREAT THING, and should feel lucky.. Just think how much worse it would be doing it alone and having no one... wondering if you will ever find someone to share your life with. One thing my H has... Security.. He knows life with me works and works well.. We love each other very much, and had a pretty darn good thing before this happend.. Just keep building one day at a time.. Each day without contact may not feel good, but it is a building block and you need todays success to get to tomorrow.. The more you slip the longer its going to take to get over... AND DONT YOU WANT THIS AWFUL FEELING TO BE OVER?? Keep telling yourself that. You will have good days, and not so good days, but a day without contact is a successful day and a day to celebrate... You can do this!! Be strong... Fight this like its your enemy... because it is... Stay as busy as you can.. The busier the better.. Create as many new memories for yourself as you can... The new will start replacing the old junk that it is your brain... IT JUST TAKES TIME... I promise.. Keep coming here for support.... Email people like airheart, my H, freeedom... You all are going through this and you can all get through it together!!! I am always here to help.......

Hummingbird: One more thing:: I am with the others.. get a transfer or it will take you a lot longer to get over.. Although my H works at the same dept as ow..., they now work opposite shifts (H transferred to day shift to get away from her).. Its still hard, and I wish he didnt work at the same place, because I think there is potential for a slip if he sees her... It already happend once.. He was doing great for 2 months and he saw her a couple times, started talking, and wammo......back into withdrawal... what a bummer because his progress was so good.... Take care..

Thanks Mickey.<P>I just read your post "Private Lies" and it helps a great deal. <P>Your compassion for my pain truly touches my heart especially after reading other posts here, where I felt like just killing myself. <P>I do feel enormous guilt and I am very, very, sorry for what I have done. Even though withdrawal is terrible and I have so many other issues to work through, if I could erase it, I would. If I had one wish, I would wish that. I know things will never be the same. <P>I had a terrible weekend and I would usually go running to OM, but I didn't. I know he's not an option and even if he was, it's not right. My affair was an attempt for me to temporarily escape from my problems at home, so I didn't have to deal with them head on, I realize that now.

So what's going on? You say you had a bad weekend. What happened? Have you made any decisions about what you're going to do? Are you safe?

I have been on-line this weekend mostly just reading everyone's posts. <P>This forum has become an escape for me. I don't want to get beat up from some people here for my inability to "move" forward at this point.<P>I'm not happy with my life, my actions, everything in general, yet why am I not doing anything about it. Part of me is hoping I'll wake up one day and miraculously things will get better. I think maybe it's me, I'm the nutcase. Do I blow things out of portion in my mind, am I too sensitive, even though he threatens would he really ever physically hurt me, am I really afraid of him leaving me, of my family finding out, what they would think of me, their innocent daugther doing something so terrible.<P>I know this forum is for people who are looking to heal their marriages, and I'm beginning to think it's not the right place for me. I don't know at this point if I want to rebuild my marriage. I'm thinking my marriage was a mistake. We are only human, we make mistakes, and I know I've made lots of them. <P>I do realize that the OM happened because all the issues in my marriage were ignored for a long time. Me and my husband are very incapatible in so many ways. I don't see us growing together in the future, we want different things. I feel both of would be much happier if we split up. I know he loves me but he also sacrifices alot to be with me, and I see he's not happy as well. Some of you say that children is the best reason to stay married, so if you don't/or didn't have any, would you still be married? I want children and in my marriage now I don't see it happening for a long, long time, if ever.<P>I am still young with no children and I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall when there might be someone else out there more suited for me. <P>The weekend was filled with little blow ups and at one point it was a pushing match, I would push him or hit his arm and he would push me away. <P>I really feel I don't have the right to post until I move one way or another. And if I decide to leave, then I don't belong here anymore.<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 27, 1999).]

I know how you feel about not being happy with your life, but then on top of that you feel bad because you feel your not doing anything about it. <P>A couple of months ago I felt unhappy in my marriage and yet I knew I had a choice, but just couldn't make one...I guess my choice was to stick it out. I felt if I was so unhappy why don't I just leave. I was so desperate to find any sort of sign on what to do with my life, but could not find any. I also wished I could sleep for 6 months and wake up when the nightmare ended.<P>I guess what I'm saying is that you are probably still in major withdrawl and you don't have to make any decision about your marriage at this point. I would give it time until the withdrawl alleviates a bit and then you can think clearly and make a rational decision.<P>How is work today...have you had contact with the OM?

Hum,<P>I agree with Pam on this one. You are still experiencing some MAJOR withdrawal. You are not capable of making any decisions about your marriage with this state of mind. Wait at least a few months until you are over OM. Get another job, anyway.<P>After you feel the withdrawal receding, then it's time to make your decision.<P>--andy

You know, Hum, one problem we have is that we really don't have a handle on your marriage. Was it good at any time? When? When did it start to go sour? Was it JUST the issue of children? Is your H just an emotionally stunted man who really wants to change, or is he a violent man with potential to be an abuser?<P>It sounds as if you want an excuse to leave the marriage, regardless of OM. Is that the case? You two have been together a long time. Did you marry him KNOWING you were incompatible? I'm not sure that a crisis time is the best time to determine that, particularly when OM withdrawal is thrown in.<P>One thing I do know, though...it is NOT going to get any better as long as you don't do anything to change the situation.<P>Yes, people do make mistakes and perhaps your marriage was one of them. But I'm not sure now is the time to decide that.<P>Are you trying to GOAD your H into violence to give you an excuse to leave?<P>Remember, be careful what you want...you might get it.

I agree with holly, airheart and D&C (which always reminds me of that little medical procedure at the GYN, but I digress...)<P>Although I TOTALLY understand where your head is on the "wondering" thing, I totally don't get where your head is at on the violence thing. If your H is prone to violence, and you still haven't told him about the affair, and you're still in the W stage... geez, Hum, that's a recipe for danger.<P>Be very careful, like D&C said, what you wish for... I'm honestly worried about you - HONESTLY!<P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

No contact with OM. Not even eye contact, even though it's killing me. He said goodmorning, I didn't even reply, then I feel like a *****.<P>I know it's wrong to want him and I know he won't be there for me, but the feelings don't shut off. I wish they were a light switch.

OK...don't mean to be annoying or redundant..but maybe use your own words as your switch...<P>I've been thinking about all the imperfections with the OM all week. Some are superficial but every little thing helps, baby steps right now.<BR>1. His hair is always slicked back with lots of mouse, it always looks wet. I asked him to wear it naturally and he did, but then it sticks up straight like a porcupine.<P>2. He's about 30lbs. overweight. Never bothered me, but my husband has a very good body.<P>3. Though he is very intelligent, he knows it and not liked personally by many at work. Comes across as being arogant,pushy, and a brown-noser. I never agreed and really saw that side.<P>4. Very aggressive.<P>5. Cheap, or as he always says, frugal. Counts every penny and has to be the best price around. My husband is very open in this regard, never have to worry about how much I spend, as long as it makes me happy, he's fine with it.<P>6. Sexually (I know I have explain this). We actually did not make love until just recently and it was only a few times. Although the chemistry was unbelievable in everything else, when we actually decided to make love, maybe because my expectations were so high, it was not was I had dreamed. He had difficulty staying aroused, this had never happened to me, and I was shocked. He blamed it on the places (not very convenient),time constraints and the whole situation. My husband and I (up until the affair started) had a satisfying sex life. I keep thinking about when we first met 14 yrs ago, still living at with our parent's, the places we went just to be together still makes me giggle. We were crazy and he was always ready to please and still knows exactly what I like.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to share and thanks for listening.<P>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 10, 1999).]<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I'm sorry everyone for everything being so confused and mixed up. I wish I could talk to everyone personnally, I have trouble writing everything out. It's hard. Let me try again.<P>I did really love my husband and I do still love him but it's very different. We have both changed alot in 14 years. I am not the same person I was at 17. Neither is he. I feel we are growing apart. He was my first love, my first serious boyfriend. Capability issues have grown as we get older. Yes, my husband has always been verbally abusive. I believe he can be voilent and I have seen him in fights with OM over the years, example he has major road rage, once in traffic he jumped out of his car and almost straggled the guy behind us because he was tailgatting. I see him lose it, face gets all red and he even says he sees red and can't control himself. He has never hit me, but throughout our entire relationship he has been jealous, possessive and always accused me of cheating when I wasn't. He has always threatened to hurt me physically if he ever found out I cheated. <P>It got better after we married and faded over the years. I arranged my life so it didn't aggrevate the problem. Never went out with single friends and he always knew exactly where I was. He knows I leave work at 4:45PM and even my boss knows if I have to stay even 5 minutes, I have to call to tell him. This has been the case always. My boss actually teases me about it, because there have been times when I couldn't call and it was 5:00PM and my phone will start ringing. Of course it's him.<P>I guess about 3 years ago I started wanting children and really seriously asking him when he wanted to start. That's when I really started questioning everything. Then 2 yrs. ago I started affair with OM, who I was friends with for 1 year and new my husband wasn't crazy about having kids. <P>Maybe it's me, am I making sense?

Hummingbird, you may not have made the best choice long ago, and although I believe you marry for life, I certainly would not judge your individual choices. I think the threat of physical abuse or ongoing emotional abuse may certainly indicate a seperation and counceling. The fact you have no children also opens up your choices.<P>But your decisions about your marriage is a seperate issue. I truly believe you are making the situation more potentially explosive by deciet.<P>Your H is accountable for how he responds to the truth. You should not fear any physical harm. You need to protect yourself by making sure you devulge the truth in a safe place and keep as much physical distance as necessary until he calms down.<P>The affair is one huge mistake and will have it's well deserved consequences on your relationship. If you rebuild, some of the consequences could actually be positive. However the lies and deception strips you of integrity...and cheats you H out of any possibility of real change and rebuilding.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13