If your parents divorced,<P>what was life like for you... how did you feel having your life divided between separate homes? Was it confusing? Has it affected your adult life?<P>If your parents should have divorced,<P>Did it help if you knew your parents both loved you but just couldn't love each other? Or did it hurt you in the long run that they didn't have a loving relationship with each other?<P>I ask because I think my husband wants a divorce, but I just can't bear to do it to my daughter, I can't get straight in my head what is really best for her. I love my husband and wish we could work things out, but we are so far apart in our definitions of love and marriage... I am working very hard to find my own happiness while staying in the marriage... defining my priorities and accepting him as he is, but I've had to put up some walls to protect my heart and my sanity... but I just don't know if this is any better for my daughter in the long run?<P>Can anyone give me some insight?

Hello,<P>My parents divorce when I was very young. Glad they did being there was a lot of abuse from my dad. He treated my mom very bad. I don't feel the divorce hurt me nor my sister. The thing I feel hurts children most is when the dad quits being a dad, hardly visits, calls and so on. Also if they start a new family and treat their new one better. Another thing that hurt was my mom struggling financially. I feel if both parents can remain civil with one another, and both contribute to their kids needs emotionally and physically, it will not hurt the child.<P>I never got upset with my mom for divorcing, and she did the best she could for my sister and I. Was a bit jealous of other kids who had more material things than I did, but did not blame her for not having those things. I seriously doubt that even if she stayed married to my dad that we would have had anymore anyway.<P>I am now divorced and am raising 2 kids on my own. Very rough. There dad has pretty much abandoned them. Never a phone call, and only pays child support because of a court order. At times I feel my kids resent me because of our struggle, and have dealt with my sons bitterness towards his dad. I get the fallout when he gets upset being he still wants his dad, and he chose not to deal with his own son.<P>I dont know if this helps or not. Hope so.<P>Bluestar

YY-<P>My mom announced that she'd be divorcing my dad when I was in the first grade. It didn't happen until I was 18 - she waited until the kids were grown. It was a horrible bitter divorce battle and even to this very day 18yrs. later, it still continues and my dad still tries to hurt mom by hurting me. <P>As far as the emotional "scars" my childhood gave me, well, I think we're all scarred somehow anyways. If it isn't one thing it'll be another. <P>I believe I have a fear of men because my father was such a poor example - murdered his first wife, beat my mom (not too often, but enough), cheated with anything that moved, and is a pathological liar. I haven't spoken with him but maybe 6x in since 1982. <P>My mother has a martyr complex, needless to say. But after her divorce she blossomed and found herself in a much better life than the one she had before. It wasn't easy or painless, but lessons never are.<P>I have learned not to blindly trust men, not to be a martyr because people will just wipe their feet on your a55 and use you, and it's better to be single and sad than married and miserable. I've learned to depend on no one but myself to get me thru life, and there are miracles and angels everywhere who help me when I need it - but I've learned not to rely upon it happening. "God helps those who help themselves" its been said. Or better put, God will get you the job but you have to fill out the application.<P>I've learned how to be self-sufficient, that I'm "enough" just all by myself - faults and all. I learned not to get married young or hastily, and to get counselling before the vows. I learned I shouldn't need a man - but it's ok to want one! Being needy and dependant isn't pretty and it put me into situations that weren't healthy. (Yes, been there, done that - and learned NEVER again!) <P>Whatever you decide, your daughter is going to be burdened with something - you can't protect her from that. All you can do is be an example and an inspiration to her as best you can. And even if you blow it, you'll be teaching her what not to do. <P>Listen carefully to your hopes and dreams, they are the "children" of your soul, and speak to all that which is possible in your life Nurture them and follow them - you were put on this earth for a reason and it's God/Love's promise that your purpose will be fufilled. <P><BR>

yy, i'm 51yrs old. my parents have been married 53yrs.. they never divorced. they should have. i've tried to persuade each of them to get a divorce but they are and were so entangled in a huge knot of a game that they just couldn't bring themselves to do it.<BR>they still do not get along at all. but they don't know anything better. to them, this is just life, as they know it.<BR>did it hurt me. you bet.<BR>i have watched and listened to them fight for a life time.<BR>to this day, i can't tell, and don't know which is the more screwed up. i've watched each play weired losing mind games with the other. it's a little like the the family fued, the hatfields and macoys.<BR>my father was always pleading and weining about sex or the lack of it. to this day, i can't be a bother to my w for it. i know i can have it but i can't do it just for me and i don't want her doing it just for me. if it's not mutual i don't want it.<BR>if you and your h can be happy, and maybe a little frustrated, but you can deal with it, i would suggest you try to stay together for the children. but if there is a lot of tension, and only you can judge, i would walk away. beleave me, the grass really can be greener on the other side. my w now is my 2nd., and she is such a nicer person than my first w.. things are perfect, we have a couple of problems we're dealing with, but we get along, we rarly fight,, and we have a pretty good life. good luck!!