My h has always had a weird sex drive...wants to watch me with another man, have sex in public places, wants exciting stuff. He buys me things I want and has set up a ranch for us with horses etc... Well tonight he says I have to sell all the horses and animals and we have to move because he is not getting what he wants (sex). That is it in a nutshell. I feel all crazy inside because I know it's not right, but I can't afford to keep this place running myself, I feel stuck and alone.

Your husband's fantasy is normal but they should stay a fantasy. What he's asking you to do is trade in your morals and he's asking you to do something you don't believe in just to satisfy his fantasy. It's extremely wrong and it's something you don't ask of somebody that you love.<P>Say you give in and do this feeling the way about it that you do. It will destroy your marriage and your self respect and you'll still loose your farm. Now don't do it and maybe he carries through with his threats. You'll have your self respect. It's worth a lot more then material things. Stand up for yourself, tell him he needs help.

trackgal, i can't judge your h's sexual desires to be moral or not, that doesn't matter to me anyway. what matters is whether or not you can do what he wants and still respect yourself. i wonder, because to me it's not clear in your post, have you done these things and now you are no longer willing to? you write that he wants to saleout and move because he's not getting sex. does that mean any sex or that he's not getting the sex you call weird?<BR>i have my fantisies too, some i'v lived and wish i could live again and some i haven't because my w won't do it. i can't blame her. i know it's unusual and i have no right to expect her to do something like that.<BR>i wonder too, do you have any sexual fantasies? i don't think my w has any. she has never mentioned any. i think some people are more middle of the road types and not interested in the fringe stuff. this is something that should be worked out before marriage. but, who knew then. who would have adviced us to ask each other these question. imagine asking you futher spouse- ok honey i need to make sure of a couple of things before we marry. can you go along with beastiality, s&m, and threesomes? i doubt any woman would marry a man who just came out and asked such a provocative question. everyone keeps their dark side hidden until the knot is tied. do women have a dark side?

I've done some of the things he wants...it seems like it's never enough because he's using the fact that he works everyday extra for me to have the things I want he should have the things he wants...and as much as he wants. He's very impatient and it scares me away from doing the things he wants...otherwise I could have some fun with it. Does that make sense?<BR>I don't think it's fair to ask me to sell everything because he's not getting the kind of sex he wants. Yes he gets plenty of one on one sex with me!!

I will be blunt. Sex is supposed to be loving...all that other crap is for the unexperienced the adolescent...Love shouldn't hurt, humiliate nor should it make you uncomfortable...that is abuse! If you enjoy that fine... be real. No one deserves to endure sex...sex is supposed to derive as a fullfillment of ones expression of love... if you don't feel loved nix it! Don't go there! You will pay for it in other ways. If you are scared or are not fullfilled then communication is ultimate! If he is incapable then what do you think you deserve? Some people cannot feel unless there is pain involved...that is pathological...why would you want to do that to you? Obviously you don't as you have entered your statments.. hey you are OK, no not everyone "does that" it is a line...be true to you...and you will find happiness. What is your fantasy? Someone gentle, loving, kind, forgiving, giving you all the time you need to be comfortable? Hey that exists! You deserve it too. Narcissists are everywhere... cheap! You needn't go there.

trackgal, yes, you make sense to me. i believe you should explain your position to your h just as you did on this board. tell him you need him to be more patient, his hurry to do things scares you away, etc.. also, your h's hard work isn't relavant to you doing something you don't want to do. this sounds like a form of prostitution. in other words, he might say something like this, honey, i'll give you $1000.00 to have sex with me on your horse in sight of highway. doesn't make sense in a marriage. maybe he should put a personal ad in the paper for he's looking for. he might save some money and his marriage.

Yes that's how I feel, like a prostitute. He says that is not the way he feels but that because he is going the extra 2 miles for me every day I should go the extra 2 miles for him everyday. The only thing he really wants is the unusual sex. He says he is uncomfortable driving so far to work every day so I can have my horses so I should be uncomfortable for him too.

he may not feel that way and he may be going the extra mile for you but he doesn't have your agreement. he should go the extra mile for you regardless. he is being mean to expect you to do something you don't want to do simply because he's paying you. you never agreed to be his prostitute. <BR>that's it! suggest he find a prostitute to do those things and when he does, you want to watch. i think you'll find he isn't likely to find anyone else that will do it either. face it, if you love him and you're fairly adventursome and you won't do it, what makes him think anyone else will do it. i think you should call his bluff.

Trackgal,<P>I disagree with everyone here...sex...is supposed to be love oriented...not fantasy oriented...and it's supposed to be private and not a tool for manipulation. Your husband is manipulating you and has you in a power play. If you feel it's humiliating...don't participate...that is not love. It's control! I'd get in to see a marriage therapist...asap!!<P>God's blessings!<BR>Ramy

Hi,<P>I agree with Ramy here.<P>A spouse wanting his/her spouse to do things that she is not comfortable with can be one sign of sexual addiction. You can learn more about sexual addiction at <A HREF="http://wwww.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://wwww.sexaddict.com/</A> <P>While you wait for your therapist appt or before you make one, read about how to find a good marriage counselor on this web site.<P>And to see how committed your husband is to your marriage see if he will agree to the Policy of Joint Agreement on this website and read the information that Dr. Harley has here about emotional needs, etc.<P>Take a look at it all and you will be glad you did.<P>Hugs and prayers, Thoughtful<BR><P>------------------<BR>To save your marriage use Dr. Harley's methods at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/</A> <BR>