I just registered with Marriage Builders and entered a lengthy profile-bio, and put my problem under "Other Topics" as well, so to belabor this to death is emotionally exhausting. I didn't know the drill and wrote too much on the profile-bio. Oh well. My problem is so earth shattering to me, I can hardly function right now anyway. I need to know if there's anyone out there who has gone thru this and what happened to you and your marraige. My husband begged to come home after a very brief affair (three weekends)with a woman (predator) who knew he was married and immediately demanded housing, cars, money, etc., and deliberately got herself pregnant and demanded my husband divorce me and marry her. My husband filed papers on me but couldn't go thru with it. He said he knew it was a mistake almost instantly and wanted out but he didn't know how to get out without her calling me and giving me all the gory details. His alcoholism was full-blown as he had been drinking again for the past two years after 17 years of sobriety. Last summer he started getting mean and dissatisfied. In October I decided not to attend a party in Texas because my H had been so abusive and had hurt my feelings. Well I decided to show him and not go. He showed me instead. He met this younger woman who was very aggressive and eager and thought he had money and instantly began to set him up. He was a chump, fool, selfish ego-maniac and in his alcohol delusion, thought he could do better than me. Now another woman is having my husband's child. How am I going to able to live with that? How do I deal with this paternity suit? How can I get over this now? I know it would have been hard without the pregnancy, but , I know eventually, we would have been alright. But this? This is an earthquake, a train wreck, the end of my world. The heartbreak and pain is excruciating and I will never be the same. Do I give up 20 incredible years with a man I am deeply in love with because of a crappy year and a devastating three months? Or do I try to 'rise above it all' when I'm dying inside? He's sober again and so much like his old self except for the shame and remorse. <P>------------------<BR>catnip<BR>

Catnip, you are NOT alone. There is myself, "Destroyed", and several other woman who have posted on this board dealing with this situation. You can also find a couple guys raising a child their wives conceived in affairs (my respects totally to you guys if you read this!!), and so forth. Yes, it complicates things horribly but if your H is remorseful and willing to do the work necessary to recover from the damage, it can be done!! There is SO much I could say to you but I don't want to overwhelm you right off.<P>Personally, it's been 8 months since H's confession that my "friend" was pregnant with HIS child, not her H's like I thought. My H is very remorseful--still has not forgiven himself; he never wanted to be with her. We have been together again 5 months and relationship doing very well. I know of several ways to deal with the child issue and would be happy to share them. Destroyed always has good advice too... <P>How long has it been since you found out? Are you living together? Your feelings are totally normal. Be nice to yourself and keep hope. I'll read your story. I'll be back... hugs.

I am so very sorry for you. As you have said, getting over an affair is tough enough but this has to be the hardest thing to live and deal with. I am in the same boat also but I am afraid not surviving the situation. Listen to Jenny and Destroyed. They are great for advice and support no matter what your outcome. There are more of us in this situation than you may realize... just read a little on this forum.<BR>Hugs to you and keep your chin up, you didn't ask for this and deserve better but none the less you are here with us! You'll find a lot of support here.

catnip,<BR>I'm sorry I cannot find your story on your profile. So tragic that these women play games with children's lives. Look forward to hearing from you again.

Bingo! Jenny and I are living proof of staying in a marriage where there is a child involved. Words relief...."IT CAN BE DONE". I don't have much time to write, But, I will come back later and add my two cents. #1 you can always come to this place -MB to get refocused or to find some kind of support when you think you can't GIVE anymore. If you are deciding to STAY.... then I say welcome to the club--- we will help you all that we can. Believe it or not... things do get better. You will actually see your marriage blossom into something so beautiful that you won't believe that you were ever feeling this low. It has been a year and two months for me. We are involved with the OC. Our marriage is so sound and secure and filled with the kind of love that we were missing in the past..... <P>Well I have to get back to work.. Jenny emailed me this morning to let me know that yet another person was going thru this. Strangely enough-- you think that this only happened to you... but you will find that there are many in these situations!<BR>Take care and God Bless.....<P>Let us help you!

Just bringing this to the front again.<BR>Catnip, you still here??

Catnip, <BR>Just want to let you know you are not alone. The OW gave birth last week. I am having a difficult time. I felt alone for a long time. You are not alone.

To Nabs, Jenny, Destroyed and Smith: Thank you so much for your kind replies. I am obsessing so over this that I am driving my H away. He is naturally sick of this and I am suddenly so needy and insecure that I know I am a real turn off. I am constantly asking for reassurance and attention and he can't stand to be around me. I'm afraid that he'll leave just to get away from my tears, sadness, depression and constant yammering for validation. I can't seem to stop. I can't stand to see a baby or pregnant woman anymore. I used to be so caring, loving and empathetic til now. Buzz words trigger an avalanche of hurts, slights and remind me of the pain. I found out the first week in January...it's been just over four months. She's due in August and has sued for paternity. Next Wednesday my H has a telephone testimony with the State of NY courts. I hate her so much and wish her dead. I'm so suspicious of my H that nothing is or ever will be the same. I resent him for taking from us something so special and wonderful and the damage he's caused. I appreciate your good wishes and I am so deeply sorry your have experienced this as well. I used to hear about this on TV and would think "wow, how incredibly awful...I hope she wises up and cuts him loose" and would smugly think "this will never happen to me because we're so happy and so in love. <P>------------------<BR>catnip<BR>

Catnip,<BR>Ditto the "I-used-to-think..."!!!!!! I totally understand. And I'm so sorry you're here. <P>Your reaction is so totally normal! Your H may need some time away (from your reaction)... I know for my H, he becomes overwhelmed with feelings of regret, shame, sorrow, etc.;constant reminders aren't helpful. Are you in counseling? That has been a great help to me in particular; go even if your H won't. I personally think we need that unbiased help, (assuming your counselor is good; I've heard of some losers). This is a terrible blow to the self-esteem, and some rebuilding of yourself has to come from within yourself, being kind to yourself. Keep in mind that your H CHOSE YOU! He had an alternative and he didn't take it because you've got something better to offer. I'm not saying you should squash all your feelings but maybe set them aside when you can... Don't let HER and this tragedy (boy is it a tragedy!) destroy what good there is in life. It takes a good couple years to recover from an affair but it can be done, even in the face of this child. You can DO IT!! You are not alone!! Yes, it's a @!#$%@#ing mess but you are worth better and together you and your H can build that something better, giving the whole world a healthy role model! Your H made a terrible mistake. It is his job to prove to you, by accounting for his time and showing commitment to you (and your children?), meeting your needs, that he wants to make a happy future. It is your difficult job to meet his needs and stand together through this, accepting the proof he gives you of where his time and energy are going <P>Okay, I think maybe I'm babbling here. I better go for now. But hang in there, catnip!! The world can still be a beautiful place. I still have bad days--oh definately!! But I cherish the good ones! What questions do you have?<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited May 13, 1999).]

Jenny: Thank you for your reply. I really need to talk to you...e-mail me at kmkofflin@aol.com. I do have some very serious questions. Please. Thank you.

Catnip, I understand your emotions and have experienced them as well. The only thing I can say is it is normal to feel so much hate you don't know yourself.<P>This will be one of the hardest things you have ever experienced.<P>You said she has sued for paternity, have they had a test to determine that your H is for sure the father even though she has not had the baby yet? <P>I wish I could hug you and tell you how much I relate to what you are going through right now.<P>Anti-depressant drugs help, have you seen your Dr? Also Jenny is right about counseling.<P>From your post it seems your H loves you but made a MAJOR mistake. Don't give up if you love him. I had dreams of my H and I getting married again one day when all the legal crap is sorted out over this kid between OW wanting child support and her H's suit for allienation of affection. As of late, I think he is either getting soft on the idea of having a kid with this woman or he has become angry and defensive with me in order to prepare himself for our divorce. I don't know but things are crazy.<P>The emotions yo will still experience are beyond anything you could have imagined and you can get around them to heal...you have to go through them. So sorry but please know that is normal and you did not deserve or ask for this in any way. If you are lucky, he will support and reassure you and find his support from a friend, fqamily or God. All I mean by that is he should not expect you to understand and be forgin\ving for a while. My H wanted to cry on my shoulder and hear "It's ok, I forgive you, it was just poor judgement at a weak moment" I couldn't do this. I needed the shoulder and wasn't strong enough to help him. Even resented his depression over it. Offer lots of love but tell him up front what you need when you cry or feel hurt again. You need lots of hugs and i guess he doe too.<BR>Would he come here for support and help?<P>Hang in there. I watch people like Jenny and Destroyed with envy. I would love to add you to that list.

Thank you Smith for your kind reply. The DNA cannot be determined until next fall after its born, but in the meantime, she is suing for support because she's a lazy pig who doesn't like to work...she's 32 and lives at home sponging off her parents! Even thopugh there could be two other contenders for this inauspicous 'award' of 'daddy', she named my H and he sent her $3,000 and I wrote her a scathing letter that she is using as Exhibit A as an 'admission'. Hey, I ain't admitting anything...I am only going on hearsay...what she told him, what he then told me and my less than characteristic reaction. My H wants nothing to do with her or the child and has decided to have no contact whatever with her or the child. He hasn't gone soft about it yet (too bad he didn't go...never mind) Anyway, she deliberately allowed herself to get knocked up in order to get him to divorce me and marry her and now she has to deal with the consequences...so do we...every month with a check if the DNA comes back that its his.

Smith, I continue to digress...yes, we have an outstanding counselor and my H is going on anti-depressants. I don't need them myself as I am basically an optimistic, happy person and I can't see taking them for an isolated, albeit, catastophic problem, unless I cannot get through this any other way. One minute he loves me, then he shuts down on me, I get needy and insecure (a new trait I've developed over the past six months) which I find offensive to myself...I don't like me like this...very unattractive. He withdraws when I ask questions and I am obessed with the details (I just gotta know...was she prettier, sexier, smarter, funnier, better in bed...WHAT? What could have been so damn great to anniliate our marraige forever with the ulitmate heartbreak of the OW having a child with my once in a lifetime soul mate? I cannot have children with my husband which has been a horrible source of pain to both of us for two decades. We both have a child from previous marraiges that we raised together and we were a semi-successful blended family. They are grown and gone now and we've been on our own for ten years and having so much fun together until about two years ago when he started drinking again.

Smith, don't get me wrong...I resent the hell out of my H and am devastated he was capable of doing this, drunk or not, to us and what we had and what we built together. We will never be the same...I'll never feel the complete joy I once felt...and I know the worst is yet to come. I knew I was blissfully happy before, but i didn't realize until this happened just how content and satisfied I was, and will probably never be again? I don't know. I do know i am still completely and deeply in love with him and want so much to have the closeness we shared for almost twenty years. Up until two years ago we would often marvel at how lucky we were and how special it was to be each other's very own special peerson not having to share us with anyone else. It is so sad...so very, very sad.

NABS: I am so deeply sorry about the OW giving birth last week. How are you holding up? Is there anything I can do? I can only imagine what is in store for me in August. What is happening at home with your H? Please write and talk about it and let us know how you are. You're in my thoughts and prayers.<P>------------------<BR>catnip<BR>

catnip, I know you say you don't need anti-deps, I was the same way. Not going to medicate. It can however help but I personally think you have to hit rock bottom if you are not one to take daily drugs inorder to even consider this option.<BR>You will know when you get there even though you will be nervous about it. I knew when I had hit the point that I couldn't handle things short of drugs and God.<P>I would like to hear more about the legal aspects of what is going on with you. Why did your H send $3k to her? We also are going through alot of legal problems and advised by my attny to seperate assets and shift what he would over to me to protect them through our divorce. If her H carries out this allienation of affection suit, it has punitive damages which I am told could actually give them a portion of our asests.<BR>I can't figure how these things happen but attny's get carried away. Would love to talk to you about the legal crap going on that is running or ruining both our lives!

Smith: My H sent her $3,000 because she said she was pregnant by him and needed money for vitamins and doctor bills and he felt guilty and responsible. He was suspicious when she showed up at his hotel room 30 days after the alleged conception and proudly displayed her already round belly. We checked with medical people and found our that slight bellies don't happen until 8 to 12 weeks, but it took us months to figure this out after the initial shock of everything and our own attempts to reconcile and reconnect. We are in business for ourselves and have adjusted the finances so that he gets just a fraction of what I get and the reason for this is because of his alcoholism and reckless spending and damage done to the business during his insanity. We hope this works...we'll find out next Wednesday. I don't understand how they can demand $ for the pig when there's been no DNA established, however, to my understanding, because she has his boarding pass and my letter, they are going on that...also because he gave her $3,000 is also considered an admission.

Smith: I should also mention that we are in Minnesota and she is in NY, therefore, no attorney we contacted in NY could help us because no one could figure out how to do this via long distance siting 'unusual circumstances' and here in Minnesota all our attorneys are flummoxed because they don't know what to do either and would need to be licensed in the State of NY as well. As there are no attorneys licensed in both states, we are having a hell of a time getting representation.

Sounds fishy if she was showing after 30 days. Has your H made it clear to her that he will require a DNA test once the baby is born? I wouldn't send another dime until then! Does she not have any insurance?<P>Today is a new day and should be a little easier than yesterday but not as easy as tomorrow. Hope the sun shines on you!

catnip,<BR>I am keeping up here and I posted to you privately as well. <P>Yes, the belly thing sounds pretty fishy, esp. if it was her first pregnancy! I suppose if the DNA test eliminates him he could take her to small claims court for the 3 grand. Wouldn't that be a relief?! Gosh, I was just thinking: I'd pay 3 grand--more!--for someone to tell me there was some big mistake: the DNA test was wrong and the kid isn't my H's... This is such a nightmare. My H is a wonderful father (and with this extreme exception, a wonderful husband) and it is so painful to have this b**** raising his child, standing on her high horse that he's not a better father! What the heck do these sl*ts expect? Sorry guys but we're negotiating health insurance now and today is not a good day for me...