I am 38, married for 4 years with a great man. We have a nice marriage, great sex, we share lots of things together like sports, movies, weekend trips and cooking. He is 44 divorced with two kids from previous marriage and we do not have kids. The problem is that I lost my job last january and it´s beeing pretty hard on me to stay at home and find a new position. I am executive and always worked. Right now my routine is stay at home, go to interviews, take care of the maid, housekeeping, and I am enjoying but on the other hand I can´t stand to stay at home anymore. My husband usually arrives 8 pm we do things together and we try to spend as much time as possible doing things we both like. BUT, a couple weeks ago I met a man in the internet and I am completly seduced by him, I saw his picture and I started to shake my heart and hands like a teenager. Thank God I live in South America and he lives in US. I spend the all day dying to talk to him. What´s going on ? Is there something wrong with my marriage and I don´t know ? I am looking so hard for new challenges that anything fits ???????

Yikes!<P>I would suggest that you unplug your computer for a while. Most crushes go away once you find something else to do with your time.<P>By the way, I should send you my picture. I look just like Tom Cruise.

Claudia:<P>Your story is similar to my wife's: she stopped working so that she could raise our two children. Our marriage wasn't as solid as you say your's is, so that my wife's needs for conversation, admiration, etc. went unmet---her job would do a great deal for her self-esteem, and by giving that up, she was depending on me to meet those needs. And I didn't do a good job.<P>She fell in love on line. He filled her needs for companionship, admiration, conversation, affection. He had the time, and she did too. This affair became physical after a while (we moved from across the country to near where the OM lived). By the time I discovered it, things were very bad.<P>We have recovered our marriage, even through some pretty tough situations (a year-long affair, a separation, and a child by the OM). I'd prefer you not to take that route, so my advice to you is:<P>1. Find something to keep you busy. Volunteer work. Gardening. Anything where you will interact with lots of people (and not all men).<P>2. Keep working on the job search<P>3. Cut it off with this OM, immediately. And I'd suggest that you stay completely away from chat---it can be very addictive.<P>I'd suggest that you also carefully evaluate how your husband has been meeting your needs, and suggest to him areas that he could improve upon. And you should probably tell him what's happened, so that you can work together to improve the marriage (you'd also be much less likely to engage in this behavior if your husband knew about it).<P>Good luck.

Dear K,<BR>thanks a lot !!! You helped me a lot. My husband knows about what happen and I even showed him the OM picture. My hubby was very lovable with me. You are right when you mentioned your wife´s issue, it´s pretty hard for an executive stay at home all day, you can´t imagine. I usually travel all over the world every month, made big money, now my husband is paying for everything. I figure out that this OM was a way to make things happen immediatly, doesn´t matter what, shake, move on, blow up... whatever, feel alive and with your self councious right on. Thanks a lot for you advice, I will follow the steps you´ve mentioned. Best.

I encourage you to follow the advice you've been given. My husband met a woman in a class he attended in England in May(we live in US). They started corresponding via email immediately afterword, had a 'reunion' the end of July (including her 2 year old son) and now he's trying to choose between me or them. He's 52, never had kids. We've been married a year. I always thought we had a great relationship - daily check ins; great intimacy, etc. The internet has allowed him to have this fantasy that has turned into a nightmare for me (I just found out last week)<BR>I encourage you to be very careful. This stuff destroys lives.

I am all to fimaliar with your story. And with "K"'s advice. Hello "K"!!<P>I was lonely, confused and a total wreck emotionally and sometimes physically. I started playing on the web. A friend and I placed an ad on yahoo. Wanted: penpal, for a friend type ad. Mentioned I was married. Got 50 plus replies. Answered a few, there was one I did not answer, but did not delete. Two weeks went by, had fun answering the replies, but that was all it was,,,,,,,fun. Then I sat down and replied to the one I could not decide if I wanted to answer or not. I lost the reply. It just froze on my screen and had to shut down to get my computer to work. Another week went by....finally answered it again. We have not missed a day since. I did not know his name, or where he was from for months. I knew everything else about him! He was like a journal who talked back. He gave me advice, some of what I did not want to hear. He was having maritial problems as well, and we talked about the female vs male view. I knew I was falling in love with him. But never told him, I had know idea what he looked like or his name. Then we gave first names. exchanged pictures. To my surprise he was 14 years older then I am. I like it though. Then we gave last names, home towns and now a year later we see each other. He makes me laugh, makes me cry, he makes me feel things I had forgotten. Now I am in so deep, I have made my life a mess. I love him. I love him. Yes,,,,,that is right, I love him. and......the neatest thing is. he loves me. I am in a bad marriage that will never get any better.<P>He has made my life better in some places but in others he has complicated it so much that I feel burried under a sea of emotion.<P>My advice,,,,work on your marriage. If your husband is a good man, and treats you with respect hang on to him. I am attracted to OM because he respects me. That is a lot! Do not stay in a bad marriage, but if it is good one......work on it. I am very glad I have OM in my life. It is kind of nice to fall in love with a mind and soul without the confusion of physical contact. I loved his mind first, his sexy body was just a positive addition!!<BR>Hope this helps. H had not told me he loved me in five or more years......om tells me everyday!

Hi Claudia<P>You sound like a very reasonable woman, and I'm sure you'll be able to work it out with your husband -- as you know this thing with the Internet guy is just a fantasy and what you have at home is the real, solid thing.<P>I second the motion -- follow K's advice and this little problem will be over in no time <P>Good luck!

Thank sooo... much everybody who gave me some time and attention in this issue !! When we put things in perspective with other people´s help are much easier to deal with the situation. I totally cut the communication and I have a good feeling that I won, I feel good about it. My husband and I had a conversation about what happen and he´s always caring and funny, we laugh and he ended saying he will install a parentig control in my computer !!!! On the other hand I also would like to make a point: why it´s so hard for women to admit she had a sexual attraction toward a strange, a man she barely knows, what makes it more exciting. I believe we had our sexual instinct so repressed that when things like that happen - just a sexual attraction - we learned to explain what we feel, how it happens, what is my problem, my marriage is going down etc... anyway, lots of excuses that sometimes you start or you have to start to believe in them to justify something much easier. Someone mentioned in one forum that when you tell a woman to follow her hart it´s the same to tell a man to follow his...part. Great advice, full of wisdom. My husband said to me that lots of men he knows, including him, feel at this way toward a beautiful and sexy woman they see or talk to, what does not mean they will do to bed with her, break his marriage, have his heart broken, stay with her to justify his feelings... women on the other hand has to explain the feeling because it´s not polite, civilized, honest, she will be vulgar, not sane, maybe a prostitute... assume that that a stange guy turns me on. That´s it. Point. Period. That´s it. We do not have to sleep with him, do not have to break marriages, the only thing is being concious all the time about your acts and the consequences, and how far you will let things go. And take care with the OM, you can get out Ok but do not forget that he also have fantasies, feelings, and a life and you never know how hard it can be for him to forget you or to let it go.<BR>Thanks alot everybody. If someone wants to e-mail me about this issue, it will be very wellcome. (polloni@amcham.com.br)