Geez, after reading a lot of the articles tonight, I just realized that I am about the most screwed up person anywhere. I have been married for just over 8 years to an INSULIN DEPENDENT DIABETIC WHO DRINKS 6-8 16oz BEERS A NIGHT. He and I have three children by my current husband. I never realized all that I have been through until this very moment. We married because I was pregnant. After 6 months of marriage my husband became withdrawn. I constantly asked him why he didn't hold or kiss me anymore. It just said he wasn't an affectionate person. When our daughter was born, she had Group B Strep and was very sick.. He had already left the hospital and refuse to come back saying he was tired and hadn't slept. (The doctors gave her less than a 50% chance to survive). My dad later told me, he offered to drive him. During our 18th month of marriage, he had "a one night stand" that he claims he doesn't remember. He had hickies all down his neck and smelled of another woman. He cried and gave me details that he now says he made up. The morning of.. he told me that he didn't love me, that he only married me because I was pregnant and it was the right thing to do, followed that up with, "and Jesus Christ, I don't like kissing you - TAKE THE HINT. About 2-3 days later I found out that I was pregnant. I tried like hell to leave but didn't have any support or anywhere to go, so we stayed together. At one point he went to Austin on a business trip, and we he arrived he said he was only going to eat, and would call me when he got back. Midnight rolled around, and I had the motel people check his room to see if he had an insulin attack.. they gave me a number that was written down.. he had been at a girl's house that he went to highschool with, her hubby was supposely there, but when questioned he lied and lied. <BR>On the day that I had our son, my girlfriend was visiting me, and he called and told me he wanted her to come over and cook for him. He called me again later and stated that he was waiting in his underware for her. (I was suppose to find the humerous according to him). Since then things were all down hill. I ended up getting pregnant when our son was 5mo old. <BR>For the last 4 years, I have been called a worthless piece of sh--, a slu-, a bit--, and anything else that he could call me. I was a stay home mom and it was always his money, with threats to put it in his own account, (he has no credit, and I am now "INDEBT BIGTIME" - everything is in my name only.. It was always I screw your credit if... it is MY MONEY!! Well, he now hasn't worked in 2.5 years because he got "hurt" in an auto accident while at work. He is in school being "retrained". I went back to work 1.5 years ago. He is drawing workmen's comp, VA disability, and now chapter 31 benefits for going to school. During the marriage, he has slapped me across the face, bruised me up once when pregnant the last time, and on 2 other occasions. Everything is always my fault or I made him do it. One night about 4 months ago, while arguing, he even mentioned that he "made the girl moan all night long". A word war that I obviously lost. I slapped him for the remark and got the crap beat out of me. As of June 11, I moved out and am in my own apartment. We have kept things pretty amicable thus far, but I am really getting screwed. I pay for childcare, school clothes, food, my car note, (have two vehicles financed in my name only), and everything else. He has been pretty good about giving me some money when I need it, but usually takes the threat of filing for him to do it. If I need anything, the response is always why should I do anything for you... you are the one who left. In 8 years, I have never heard him say he was sorry for anything.<BR>I am in counciling and realizing that I am a battered and emotionally abused wife, but still not sure I didn't deserve all of this and more.<BR>Everyone I know thinks I should file. My councelor wants me in plan B.<BR>I cannot find the strenght to let him go. I am so sad and depressed that most of the time I just want to die. I pray for us to reunite and things be loving and great, but it never happens. I feel as if I love him and I am dying without him, although I don't know why. I cannot even come up with 10 loving acts of kindness that he has showm me over the 8 year period. And yet, I hurt so bad.<BR>WHAT AM I HANGING ON TO AND WHY CAN'T I LET HIM GO. I FEEL LIKE HE WILL CHANGE FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND I WILL MISS OUT.<BR>We hadn't really been having sex and my tubes were tied after the 3rd, and then I had a hystorectomy a year ago. (1.5 wks outside of sugery he pushed me down 3 times, this was my fault also). <BR>2 years ago, I had a blood clot go through my heart and while in the hospital in intermediately ICU, he was at home playing in the chat rooms on the net, telling women he was a widow. How is that for a slap in the face, and yet and cannot let him go.<BR>Can someone please tell me why after all of this, that I hurt so badly inside and want to run back to him and wait for a change that will probably never come.<BR>Thanks for listening all. By now you all agree that I am about the most screw up person anywhere.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Despite Everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart" Anne Frank - "Diary of Anne Frank"<BR>

I wish you could read your own words. You have given nothing but reasons why not to be with this horrible man. He obviously doesn't care about you, or his children for that matter. He WON'T change!<P>I hope your counseling helps. You really need to get some stuff worked out.<P>As far as finances, have you thought about bankruptcy? It sounds like you couldn't get any worse with your credit, and it is possible to keep your car. I don't advocate bankruptcy, but in your case, it may help get rid of your husband. I would talk to a lawyer about this, and getting a divorce! <P>I wish I could help you, but I'm not a counselor, and I don't want to give you anymore advice that could jeoprodize your progress thus far.<P>Congratulations on taking the first step, though. Moving out was a big step, and an important one. Keep plugging!

Friend..........<P> I agree with Becky. Your first step was to moving out. I think you are having a hard time thinking you want him back because thats the only way you know right now. There is so much more out there for you hon. File get rid of him. You don't deserve the abuse. Been there done that. Your kids also deserve to see you treated like a loving person. Think of how this might affect them seeing this kind of abuse . They might turn out just like him thinking thats how they are suppose to treat there spouse. I don't think you really want that either. The only thing I am lost on why did you keep getting pregnant knowing how you were being treated. It might be to personal to ask and if you think so I am sorry. Hang in there hon get yourself better and don't worry about him anymore. You did that way to long as it is. Keep us informed.

Wonder: To answer your question on why I kept getting pregnant. I am pretty sure that I was already pregnant the 2nd time when he had the one night stand. The third time, I was on the depra Provera Injections, and we were using condoms. I cannot explain how I got pregnant. We only had sex maybe twice when I found out. <BR>Despite all that I had been through at that point, I still loved him. At one point we did go to counceling together. Once they began questioning the drinking especially with the diabetes, he stopped going, but things seemed better. It is possible that it was just in my head, but I wanted it to work so badly.<BR>I do worry about my kids being like him... I already see some things by the way they choose to handle their own problems. We are working on that together. Regardless, he is still around them, and taking away his visitation rights is a slim to none chance.<BR>I am hoping that some day I find myself in a loving relationship, where they can all see the difference.<P>I am not sure what I feel for him if anything at this point. I just feel lost and lonely at times, and miss him, but cannot even come up with one reason why.<P>I am working towards getting stronger and calling it quits. We talked for a while yesterday and are both coming to grips with the idea of divorce. Day by day I realize a lot about myself which is helping me to be stronger and more self sufficient.<P>Thanks for both of your input.. I am trying to figure this all out. <P> In Texas, they have gotten rid of filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy, I can only reorganize and pay for my debts. The good thing about Texas is that a Creditor cannot touch you. They can secure a judgement, but cannot do anything with it other than put it on your credit. Right now I am struggling but paying my debts.<P>Thanks again.. One thing I have figured out, is that I am afraid he will change and see the light, become the person I so desperately want, and someone else will get to share that with him. I am afraid I will miss out. Stupid huh?<P>------------------<BR>"Despite Everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart" Anne Frank - "Diary of Anne Frank"<BR>

Friend2U2...<P>I was drawn to your post and have read it all. I for one don't believe you're screwed up at all. I think you are seriously wounded...and hungry for someone to validate you and love you and treat you with respect.<P>You haven't been respected. I don't believe the man is in the process of owning up to his stuff. A protection order might be in order. I used to live in Texas...and abusing a pregnant woman is enough evidence for a protection order...let alone all of the other stuff. <P>I understand the desire to hang on...because part of your heart still loves a man who hasn't ever loved you. Time to let go and move on. There is someone out there who will truly love you. Stay in counseling...work on loving you. If you don't have a good church, find one that will accept you and love you and support you. You need people around you who will love you, give you a hug and affirm you as a person worthy of love and respect because you certainly are worthy of that.<P>I just want to say that you are not alone. There are many women who suffer like you every single day, but who can't voice their concerns because they don't have a computer, or a way to voice their concerns lest they suffer the consequence of being found out. Domestic violence is a national problem, and you are in the middle of it.<P>Your husband doesn't love you...probably never has. In fact, he's been punishing you for his decision to marry you and do the "right thing." I'd get a good attorney, stick him with a high child support order and demand that he get off his rear end and work!!! If he's not really disabled...then get the authorities to re-evaluate his disability. The man has to become responsible and sometimes it takes a court order to get them to wake up.<P>If I can say one thing to you and have it get through to you, it would be that you are a person worthy of love and respect. You need to love you and your kids enough to say no to the abuse once and for all!! There is no sin in saying no to someone hurting you. You don't have to stay where you are being hurt. God doesn't even ask that of us.<P>Please draw in your resources from the community...see if there are any support groups in the area for abused women and go to one...or an Al-Anon group. Don't isolate...get involved somewhere. I'll pray that people will be drawn around you to minister to you and hug you when you need hugs....cause you certainly need a few hugs right now.<P>Keep posting...and we'll do what we can to support you. I pray you take action for you and your children and do it quickly!! Get safe, get counsel, get healed...and see what God does to bring someone who will really love you.<P>God go with you friend!<BR>Ramy

Friend,<BR>Are you sure we aren't married to the same man? I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been in the same type of relationship that you are in for years. I've been an emotional basket case for several years now. It took my H giving my son alcohol for me to wake up and see what he really was doing to our lives. My H always, always told me that it was my fault, I made him hit me because I was such a B****, blah blah blah. Please know it is absolutely not your fault. I have to keep telling myself this all the time.<BR>Yes, I most likely will always love him, he is my son's father. But, I absolutely cannot let him influence my son any longer. It is my duty as a parent to assure my son learns the right way to treat a woman, which is NOT the way my husband treated me. Nor is it the way your H treats you. Go straight to the PD and get a Protective Order against him. Then go straight to an attorney's office and get rid of him. Then do what I did. Go home, shut the door to your bedroom and cry and scream until its all out. It will help you feel better. But, before you do anything, pray hard about it. God will give you the answer. I had been praying for years for my H to quit drinking and become the man he used to be years ago when he was sober. Nothing changed. Then I finally started praying for God to tell me what I needed to do, and if my H never was going to give up alcohol, to please let me know. And God let me know. Its been almost a month now since my H was arrested for abusing me. I have not spoken to him, and hope to never have to. I think I have finally gotten it through my thick head that my H never loved me, and never would. If he had loved me, he would never, ever talked to me the way he did, nor would he have ever hit me. Alcohol abuse is no excuse for domestic abuse. As my counselor told me, my H is INCAPABLE of loving me, or anyone else for that matter. He is in love with booze. <P>I'm going to Al-Anon meetings now. Its helping a little. Individual counseling has been more help for me. Prayer works the best. When I start to get that sick feeling in my stomach, I ask God to please take the pain away, and to please be with me. It goes away for awhile. When it comes back, I ask again. I will add you to my prayers. You and your children are much too important to keep going on with the animal you are married to. My only regret is that I didn't divorce my H the day he started drinking again. Maybe then my son would not feel and act the way he does now. I could have spared us all a lot of grief if I would have been strong enough to get out a long time ago. My heart and prayers go out to you. Please know I will be thinking of you. Good Luck, and please keep us informed of how you are.

Alcoholics wife... thank you for your input. I am telling myself the same things in hope I will soon believe that I didn't deserve the abuse and that he is just incapable of loving anyone, including me. This hurts though. Counceling is helping me, except I go days and days with just a couple of hours of sleep, then I end of suicidally depressed. I am hanging in there, though, and have several numbers to reach my councelor in case I freak.<P>He tells me if I would cry, scream or anything to let it out, I would begin to heal, the strange thing is that I just cannot cry. I feel the tears and then they go.. What does this mean. that I cannot cry? I am confused over my emotions, but am realizing that he IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. I am ready to get him out of our lives, and searching for the right way to do it. Thanks for your prayers and support. My ICQ# 43083137<P>------------------<BR>"Despite Everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart" Anne Frank - "Diary of Anne Frank"<BR>

Friend2U2,<P>I've responded to your email...hope it helps...please don't do anything crazy...hang in there...help is on the way. Keep posting, don't isolate, don't worry about the tears...it's not safe enough yet to cry...when you are safe, you will have the time to cry.<P>I'm here...and I'll support you all that I can.<P>God bless you hon...<P>Ramy

Hang in there friend2u2

F2u2<BR>Have you ever thought that maybe the reason that you can't let this physically and emotionally abusive man go, may be hidden in your childhood. Were both your parents in your life? Were you ever physically or sexually abused (repressed memory?)? It could stem from a love that wanted in your childhood and never received so you are putting your hopes onto this abusive relationship because in that way you can make it better in your mind, that you FINALLY have what what you wished for from your childhood. Therefore, not feeling unloved or a failure or vice-versa that when he is being abusive, your self esteem is so low that you tell yourself "well i am a bad person anyhow and I probably deserve this kind of treatment". I'm just throwing out some possibilities. It could also be that you have so much on your plate with kids, bills, etc. that by keeping your mind on your H, it makes it easier than having to deal with the future on your own.

Dear Friend2u2 and Alcoholic's wife,<BR>I know exactly how you feel. Two weeks ago, after an arguement with my husband where he threw things around, kicked things at me spat in my ear, threw a couch onto me and was verbally abusive...I called the police. I had had enough, they arrested him and I've been packing and moving into my own place(with our two children) ever since. In the past I too felt that I wouldn't be able live without my husband even though he never was there for me emotionally was never really my friend and often thought of me as his enemy. He was verbally and physically abusive most of our marriage yet I felt that I really loved him and that he would change, sober up, be the man I fell in love with (because his change was over aperiod of time, he used to be my sweetheart!) Then after a few tough weeks of him being mean...no honeymoon-phase!!! I realized that I didn't even like him anymore and he sure acted like he didn't love me. I asked him to go to counceling, he said no ,that I was the problem and when I changed then things would be just fine. Well, to make a long story short, I had the same feeling that "he would change for someone else and I would miss out" too, and that made it hard for me to want to leave him. But than I started to think about what he had said about his x-wife and x-girl friends and it was just what he was saying about me all the time "Lazy, money-sucking,selfish b---hes. Never doing enough for him or appreciating him enough" and on and on... And he was saying all this about me and I knew that none of it was true because I wasn't like that...it was all in HIS mind AND he was always like that AND would never change! I'm sure that is true of your husband also...they are so much alike anyways!! So don't worry about that BIG change happening!! Just by their actions after you have wised up and moved out and they still don't think they did anything wrong!!!! they will never change untill they can see themselves as they REALLY ARE, and from what I've read and heard ...that doesn't happen very often!<BR>Also Trying2_4give is onto something...because I grew-up without a father and I always wished I could've had unconditional love from my father,but because I didn't get it from father I think I looked to my husband for it and over time I realized it was unfair of me to look to my husband to fullfill this need. But that didn't mean he could treat me so badly either. Once I realized this I felt much better. And now, with the help of 3 things..RAMY's posts, the "Bible" and a little book called "Power for Living" I know that the Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and I finally feel peace. Pretty wild, huh?<BR>Good luck...take care and I'll be praying for you...

Also, Alcoholic's Wife,<BR>After reading your post's on how you husband gave your son the "drink" and how your husband gave your son what ever he wanted and under-mined your attempts to say "no" and parent your son....I could see my life in a few years...because our son is only 5 but there were the beginings of all that. Buying him what ever he wanted, let him do and act how ever he wanted, saying "yes" after I said "no". Well anyways, I wanted to say Thanks for Posting because you showed me what I would be in for in a few years and I didn't like IT...and you've made me more determined to make it on my own(with the kids of course!!) Thanks again!

Friend2U2,<P>Are you ok?? I've not heard back from you and now you have me curious!!<P><BR>OK,<P>I'm sorry to read about the incident with your husband two weeks ago...that had to be a very difficult thing for you to go through. I hope you are doing ok and coping ok with everything that is going on. I understand how scary violence in the home is... been there done that... God is able to help you to get strong again!<P>Alcoholic's Wife,<P>I hope you are doing ok too...it seems that everyone is in the same boat. Please take good care of yourself.<P>Take care friends...and God's peace in the midst of chaos!!<P>Ramy

ok - Well, I thought that Friend2u2 and I had the same husband, but now I think that all three of us have the same man!!! What yours said and did to you is almost identical of what mine did to me. I was (and in his eyes now still am) completely to blame, I'm the one who had the problem, if I'd just quit b*****g at him there would never be any problem and on and on and on. Funny thing is, its kind of hard to B**** at someone who was never around. <BR>I'm still struggling with everything. It is a major chore to get out of bed each day. I'm very very depressed, not so much for the loss of my marriage, but for the wasted years. 17 of them. Was I a fool or what? Now, whenever I starting thinking "if only" I remind myself what it felt like to be called a stupid F*****g B**** on a daily, well hourly when he was home, basis. I remind myself of the constant manipulation of my son's psyche by him. I remind myself of all the jealous accusations he threw at me even though he was the one chasing in a bar. I remind myself of the constant lies and his coverups. And I remind myself continually that this man, did not love me. Then I feel better. I also pray a lot for God to take the pain away. I am trying to keep my chin up, but with the looming custody war, its really hard. Only the Lord knows what will happen, and I have to have faith that He will see me through this. <BR>OK - thank you for your kind words. Stick with it and don't look back. As God to lift the pain from your heart, and take care of you and your children. I'll pray for you. <BR>You know, I have had more people tell me they are proud of me for getting out of this horrible situation. This makes me know I'm doing the right thing. As a parent, I HAD to take a stand and do something. I could not let the brainwashing of my son continue. My son needs a role model of a man with integrity to look up to, and it is not my H at this time. I can only hope that my H will ask God into his heart and change his ways for my son's sake. God can do miracles - this certainly would be a miracle.<BR>Thank you for praying for us Ramy. Friend and OK, I'm adding you and your families to the prayer list. You are all special people and deserve the best. Thank you.<BR>

Take a look at this website:<BR>http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm<BR>It will give you some insight into why we are like we are, and what might be going on in our Husbands' heads.<BR>

Sorry I haven't been on lately.. we to see my parents.. funny that you mentioned "Power For Living", my parents just had me order it, and I began reading it while I was there. Really fighting depression at the point.. and unsure of my strenght.. worried and scared that I well.. don't know.. <BR>The book is great, although I am realizing my own part in this all.<P>My childhood was one of tragedy. A lot of tragedy. My parents loved me and were there as much as possible, but probably not like I needed.<P>A lot happened to one of my brothers and my parents were gone a lot to the hospital and stuff. They did the best they could. I know they love me, and are there for me now. I just have to work through all of this myself. Just am not sure about anything anymore.<P>------------------<BR>"Despite Everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart" Anne Frank - "Diary of Anne Frank"<BR>

I checked out that website...wow! It's funny, we are all so thrilled to find each other on this web-page and find it odd that we "share the same man" because they are sooo much alike BUT there are enough of these "men" that they can pin-point their behavior to a "t" on that website. It's amazing isn't it? I know that when I went to the Abuse shelter about a year ago i was shocked at how much they could tell what my husband was like and the phases that he would go through...tension, blow-up, honeymoon..you know. I couldn't believe it. It's amazing. <BR>As for the "Power for Living" book..it really helped me. I always belived in God and prayed but I always wondered why my life was so rough..why he never seemed to answer my prayers. But after I read that book and the little book that came with it..I don't know, it just seemed to answer all the doubts and questions I had. I mean God has always been in my life and I could see how his hand has helped me before but I just couldn't figure out the suffering part. Now I feel such peace and really feel his presents everyday and he shows me in very little ways how much he loves me,it's very touching and very needed right now too. Well I just hope that you find what you need in those books too. Good luck and take care! God be with you all!!!

OK and Friend2U2,<P>He will always be the peace in the middle of the storm and you are not alone. He loves you very much! The changes for good will come...He promises to make everything come to good for those who love God.<P>I'll be here right alongside of you too...He's been giving me peace in the midst of chaos...so I know He can also give you His peace that passes all understanding.<P>Love to you and many blessings!<BR>Ramy

I was actually ready to go home.. and get this his said not until I prove myself to him. That I can change. He wants to be able to run around with his single friends, go to beer joints and I am not suppose to say anything. I am not suppose to ask for a hug or a kiss once in a while. I am not suppose to talk about any heartfelt issues. I am suppose to "Live Life"!! "Be a human being" and "stop the bull****". I must be pretty dumb, yet I am lonely and miss him dearly. Am not even sure exactly what I miss. I missed work almost all week, first with a sick child, and now because I am overwhelmed with grief. My boss is no longer supportive at all. The sad thing is I could care less if I lose my job. Right now I do not care about anything other than my children. Even that one is hard, because they are so torn and sadden with the situation. I left, therefore, I feel the guilt. Thanks for the prayers everyone.<P>------------------<BR>"Despite Everything, I still believe people are basically good at heart" Anne Frank - "Diary of Anne Frank"<BR>

Friend2U2--<P>Don't give up...you're not alone. I know it's difficult. But you don't have to prove anything. It's the other way around. We are all here for you!<P>I'm praying for you! *HUGS*<P>Ramy