sorry.....<p>[This message has been edited by tiedie (edited August 26, 1999).]

It may not have anything to do with you at all. First, there is the fact that masturbation provides a sensation that is totally different than intercourse. From experience, I totally enjoy both. I never felt that m is bad and I can't find anything in the Bible to contradict it. The problem is he has gone to an extreme. He has probably had a powerful thought life he created when he was still in puberty. I say that to indicate the fact that you are not the problem. His fantasies are probably so ridiculous, no good woman would be able to perform them. He needs professional help? A lot of sex addicts feel so dirty they prefer to masturbate than include the woman they love in their warped sex world. Rather than 'defile' you, they neglect you. Soooooooooooo the 2 issues that fuel masturbation are the different sensation and the ability to create your own fantasies.<BR>Masturbation is not the problem, the excess is the problem. Also the fact that he does not include you in his masturbation adventures. My wife and I crossed passed over the taboo line and now enjoy this as part of our sex life. Sometimes this is all we do. She was willing to have me teach her and she taught me.<BR>I would recommend you try to find a neutral place in a safe environment to speak about this. Make sure you don't attack him. Be prepared to simply listen to his responses. Prepare an arsenal of questions and tell him you would like to help him. Let him know that regardless of how much it may hurt to hear what he has to say, you love him too much to waste anymore years in the closet of despair. You don't want to change him. What you want to do is inspire him to change himself. If you have a friend, you can trust with you heart and soul, use them to filter out any pain you may experience while he is bringing order to this excess. One day he may be prepared to deal with the pain he has caused you by this problem. Pray and be very patient.<P>------------------<BR>vida loca<P><p>[This message has been edited by vida loca (edited August 24, 1999).]

Hi tiedie,<BR>I have had the same problem with my husband for our entire marriage and his obsession with mast. caused him to act irresponsibly so much so that we had to move from one area and he lost his job in another. This last situation is what made him face his obsession. He now is abstinent from mast., but he still has a form of sexual anorexia with me which he has been dealing with.<BR>I can refer you to what has helped us...<BR>D. Weiss's site: http://www.sexaddict.com<BR>He has several good books and videos.<BR>AND...<BR>Dr. Harley's books (I first got all of his information from the web site and then checked out His Needs, Her Needs and bought Love Busters.)<BR>In Love Busters on page 168, Dr. Harley addresses masturbation in marriage; he says that sex should be shared. If you want more information on what he says, post here and let me know.<BR>Hope this helps. Thoughtful

yes,,,,,,,<p>[This message has been edited by tiedie (edited August 26, 1999).]

Hi tiedie,<BR>My advice is before doing anything, read everything on the Marriage Builder's web site and consider either checking out or buying His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters by Willard F. Harley Jr., the owner of this website.<BR>First you must find out what process to use to save your marriage and then you must find out if your husband is willing to save your marriage with you.<BR>If he is not willing to talk to you about your marital problems (make sure you use no negative statements when you ask him to talk and when you talk - write out what you want to say if you have to), then you will have to make a decision as to what you want to do - either stay in this relationship without having your or his needs being met or leave the marriage.<BR>I would suggest you talk to Dr. Harley if you can on his radio show or contact Steve Harley on the web site under counsel if you need more constructive counsel.<P>PS My H and I are working through Harley's information and it is saving our marriage. I wish there were a forum topic for the positives that Harley's process has made in people's lives. BTW, did I tell you that in Love Busters, Harley addresses mast. in marriage point blank? I cannot remember.<P>Please let me/us know how things go.<BR>Good luck, Thoughtful<BR>

well,,,,,,<p>[This message has been edited by tiedie (edited August 26, 1999).]

Morning tiedie,<P>I am a bit confused...<BR>You said... " last night my hubby said to me that this was ridiculouse and that there is no need for it,,,and basically that we should do these things together." What did he say was ridiculous and no need for? And what should you do together?<P>And yes, it is good that he now sees that he could be addicted to mast since he feels that he does it a lot and cannot stop. BUT he has to not only think that but has to stop. If he cannot do it on his own, he needs help in learning how to stop. BTW, just because he said I don't know to your question about sex addiction does not mean he admitted anything.<P>And don't go about checking up on him, it could only make him angry and it will only make you upset. You know he has a problem, and whether he wants to really admit it in words, he has a problem. You both need to discuss it and figure out a way to make your marriage better because the problem will try to hide itself under a rug by ignoring things.<P>I came up with an interesting thought last night while talking with my H about his emotional needs (we are listing them and discussing them so we know what each of us needs to do). I thought that marriage is a union of 2 people/2 souls. It is not one person doing his thing and one person doing her thing. Doing your own thing is called being single. In a marriage each person HAS to care about his/her own needs and those of his spouse equally.<P>I know that many men do not want to talk to therapists. I don't know exactly why. Maybe it is because of society. Not that it matters why.<P>I believe that you both would benefit from talking to Dr. Harley or someone who is familiar with Dr. Harley's work. <P>Believe me, if I had had his information we were married, I would have been much better off. I could then have talked to my H about the information of how to make a marriage work and thus everything would have been out in the open or I would have decided not to marry my H because he was not willing to be honest and start our marriage on the right foot.<P>Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to correspond via email. If so, you can email me at c-d@eudoramail.com<P>Hugs and prayers, Thoughtful<BR>

yes,,,e-mail would be great. i am going to go there now,,,,thanks,,,sherri