My husband faithfully told me of extra-curricular sexual activity after our marriage began to fail due to emotional needs not getting met. I forgave him and am willing to move on yet he seems to be depressed and feels that I can find "someone better", but we both did wrong and I want to move on with our marriage. I just got to this site and am still searching for advice and would like any that anyone cares to give. I'm young and it's been five years of marriage that I don't want to give up on.<P>Thanks

It would probably help clarify if you mentioned what the extracurricular activity <BR>was and what you did wrong? If it was an affair what did you do wrong or have you been refusing sex and so on?<BR>Actually, from what little you've mentioned it sounds like your husbands crying for help.<BR>Especially when he says you could do better than him.<BR>Remember no marriage is an island and no person can own another.

Quickly for now, yes it was an affair and it was six months ago and I was not meeting his emotional needs. We were separated for two months and in that time I restructured myself and didn't consider him. Now, a year and a half into my problem and six months after the affair we are now at this point. <BR> I am reading the book "How to Survive an Affair" and am on chapter 5 and plugging along. I feel he needs more help than me. I know what I need to do, he seems to want to run away, condem himself, and then realize he lost the best thing in his life.

Six months out may seem like an eternity but hang in there. He will need time for himself to grow and to reprove his trust in you. Even if you have forgiven him he may feel that he can't possibly win back your trust and he needs more space.<BR>Take up some extra interests for yourself (ie a hobby out of the house) focus on something else. And above all be careful to not bring children into the picture. Actually, what are you doing with your own anger? It must hurt.

Well Kam,<BR> I hate to say it but I am giving him the space he needs. I am leaving. It's what he's been asking for a while now, even before he came out and told me the truth. He just wanted to know if I would forgive him. That I can do. See, I suspected something with someone else for a while now, just not with the person he did. <BR> He's military and the female has left the area and is in Germany, and to make me feel better the "cow" tried to be my friend. She knew what was going on and played him as much as he needed the emotional support she was giving him. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but prior to all this I made a few changes in my own life that affected him in the wrong way. Yes, I'm hurt and want to move on but he's the one that needs help with his feelings. I am granting him the separation, and am leaving the issue of divorce up to him. I try not to question him on his plans, since he's so vonerable right now.<BR> I have a supportive family that seem to think that it should be over completely, and I should have never involved them. I now have to concentrate on my family and what I need for myself. I still love him and hope for a future with him sometime, but not now. I'm more hurt that he wants to separate than the affair itself, since I felt it for so long. I asked God for a sign and it came from the horses mouth, that was a good one. I can only pray that God helps him through this tough time and he is guided back to me. Then I know that we were meant for each other.<BR>Thanks Kam, again, but there doesn't seem that there is anything for me to do.

That's too bad. I hope you don't have any children and you'll be able to move on to a new future. Your profile mentions that you're a housewife/college student. If that's an indication of your age at all, you should be able to build a great future for yourself. Keep to your studies and remember the post divorce rule is stay away from a serious relationship for at least a year, that usually includes dating and sex. You don't want a rebound romance and don't be too surprised if a lot of former 'male' friends change into romeos on ya ;-)<BR>As for the 'cow' that's a more common tactic than ya'd think. She was a definite predator.

Well Kam, <BR> Unfortunately at age 24 I do have two beautiful boys to support. I have no problem with that. One book that I've read by Dr. Dobson "Love Must Be Tough", has helped me. I went through the begging and pleading stage and now realize the only thing that made us interesting is that we were hard to get. I now have to move on and try to start a new life and if he wants to rekindle we will have to take it slow.<BR> Thanks for all the support.

You have two boys and he wants to leave??? <BR>Not to be rude but are they his kids?<BR>God, I have three kids and when things are tough between my wife and me, I can't think of three better reasons to work things out. I can't bear the thought of not seeing them grow up or of my wife being excluded from their lives for even a second. Seperate bedrooms yes, sleeping on the floor yes! But as far as I'm concerned kids are the best reason to work things out and stay together!<BR>Have you seen or heard those latest statistcs of how likely kids are to become suicidal, violent, drug abusing, etc. etc... if the Father is not leaving at home. (I don't mean just visiting but actually living at home.) <BR>Please fight for your marriage! Fight for your kids. Remember to be a mother to your kids, a daughter to your parents, a friend to your friends and a lover to your husband! Seduce that man home!!<BR>What were the emotional needs you weren't meeting? Meet them and go the extra distance... This site talks a lot of emotional banks etc... like we actually have some reserve that can be filled and depleted, etc... Yes, we have emotional needs, and physical needs, spiritual needs, etc... But the true glory of being human is that we are eterrnal spirit. Our spiritual and emotional needs grow by emptying them. When we cannot give it is time to give more. Love is death. You mention Dobson, have you ever heard of the christian concept of kenosis? Self-emptying. Reading these forum posts is just reminding me again of the need to practice that in my own life. <BR>Keep at it Allison, and remember that you can win over that cow or his own self pity.

Thanks Kam,<BR> The poor man is so guilty that just seeing me hurts him. So, I must be strong for him and go on my own way. The boys don't understand and will be well cared for where i'm headed. i still have a chance and hope to by giving him his space and fullfilling his needs, which emotional needs are that of a wife that is supporting, loving, and trusting. I am no longer like that for I felt trapped and changed myself. Here's an example. About a year and a half ago he went to schooling for two months and when he came back to get me at my folks he had yellow roses for me. Instead of thanking and loving him, I complained that they weren't red. The yellow meant to him, someone who had been gone and is now home. I can see what a b*@%h I truely was. I will get back to this right now my boys are calling. <BR>Thanks

Dear Allison:<BR>Isn't it something how things that go so wrong, it falls back on that person? Your husband cheated on you and now he is paying the consequences and dealing with this whole thing. It's ashame that you both have children and that they have to go through this ordeal. Yes, I agree with KAM to a point to fight for your marriage, but, it takes two. Your husband needs to go to a good therapist for counseling and deal with this whole thing. As far as I can read, it sounds as though your husband may be running away. Running away from the guilt and the thought that he betrayed your trust and he can't deal with that. Running away solves nothing. He will never confront the issues by avoidance. This problem will always be there inside of him until he deals with it. Him telling you to go find someone who would be better for you would make him feel less guilty if you did find someone better. Than he can think that the affair was not a bad idea because you found someone better. Does that make sense? Anyway, I hope things work out. You sound so very strong. It;s really good that you got yourself together, especially since you have 2 children. I hope everything turns out for you. Did both of you try marriage counseling together? Hang in there. Your friend , Katya

Dear Katya,<BR> It's good to hear your advice, I hadn't thought of what you did. That by running he will never deal with it. I may bring that up to him, but he seems to need time to think things through. That is what I am giving him. We're not divorcing and we're still talking like adults, we just have to move on. I'm ready to, yet he's not. I feel that all I can do is be a sounding board for him if he needs it and also, be there for him in the ways I used to be. I wish myself luck. I have a friend who had the same boyfriend since highschool, and not until recently did she break it off with him, and he cheated on her with some highschool girl; and we're 24 yrs old now. Go figure. I'm not not blaming him, but we need to work this out together. <BR> Counceling, god, he'd ask, I'd deny, then I would ask and he'd deny. It went on like that for a year. Guess we both didn't want to see what was right in front of this. The sad things is that none of this had to happen. We could have talked and communicated better than we did. Yet, being young and pig headed, we ignored the signs and concentrated on ourselves. Nice, Huh. <BR>Thanks to everyone who wrote back, I'm in the process of moving so who knows if I'll get to a computer as often as I can now. Keep up the messages, if it doesn't help me it may help someone else, I will try to keep you all posted on how things go.<BR>LOL<BR>Allison

Hey Kam, <BR> I hope that I answered any other questions you may have had. So, with the whole story, I changed first and then my husband couldn't deal with me since I didn't listen. How nice , I was blind. Wish me luck and if you have any more ideas I'm all EARS. I'm trying not to crowd him and I feel that if I hang around that I will only do that more. I want to hold him like a mother and make the "bad thing" go away but I can't do that or he'll run faster.<BR>Thank you so much. If you ever need anything I can give you my e-mail and we can keep in touch that way.<P>LOL<BR>Allison

Allison,<BR>A while ago there use to be these posters everywhere with a saying, "If you love something let it go, if it is yours it will come back." It sounds like you've found that wisdom on your own. Be sure to give him his space and to keep him in touch too. Especially help your boys stay connected with him. They needn't know the whole story, just that he has very important project that he needs to work on and he misses them (which I hope is true) but when he has finished it they'll see more of him. And someday they'll be very proud of him. Afterall, what more important project is there than buiilding ourselves up to be the best we can be. <BR>Katya is right it does take two to make a marriage. actually, I think it takes a whole community. we all need to support one another in marriage.<BR>Don't be too hard on yourself about the flowers. I personally don't have a lot of success in the flower dept. <BR>If you want I'll e-mail ya,

Dear Kam, <P> All I ever seem to say to you is Thanks, I have discovered that saying. It looks as though I will be leaving rather soon. I will try to keep up with my e-mails whenever I can. I'm starting to get nervous now and am not sure if I should go, and thoughts of all that has happened come rushing into my head. All I can say is that I'm going to try. I'm baffled at how to keep him in my life without acting like a fool. I guess the best way to do that is to take it one day at a time and let him know I care in the appropriate ways. <BR> Thanks again, by the way, where are you from?<P>LOL<BR>Allison

Allison,<BR>Send me an e-mail at DaoDeChing@excite.com I'll be glad to respond. As for where I'm from I'd rather not post that info here. Do you have aol instant messenger? Let me know if you email.<BR>

Allison,<P>Got your reply to my book posting. I've been thinking about this one for a while before responding. Your husband's behavior puzzles me though... I agree with Katya that is you were to leave an "find some better" it would only help him reduce his guily by justifing his affair. Most men I've known are on their hands and knees begging to be taken back. I'm not sure what he's doing by playing the marter. From his religious convictions he should know that God will forgive him, and you obviously have too. <P>Is you husband the type that avoids conflict? My wife does. She will say anything to agree with those around her and consequently hides her true feeling and emotions. I'm not sure whether he doesn't feel true live for you, whether he feels embarassed and therefore guilt ridden when he sees you, or whether he is just in advoidance mode and perfers to stick his head in the sand - hence a method for conflict avoidance. I'm afraid I'm not being of much help. My only thoughts are that this is someone who definately needs counciling to understand why he feels this way. It almost appears as if he desires a chance to "start over" somewhere and make a new start at life - without the trappings of the current environment to remind him of his sins of the past. As for what you should do... I really don't know what to say. If you must leave I would be concerned for his welfare. Whatever your choice I wish you well.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>

Thanks to everyone on my problem. I am moving to Maine and am in hopes of starting anew. Whether my husband and myself get beck togther is all up to God. Thanks to everyone.<P>LOL<BR>Allison

Allison, I hope this is not to late. I have just today logged on looking for something to encourage me in my struggle. I, like you and going through the same difficulties with my husband. He never cheated(was at the breaking point of having a full blown affair) and we have no children. But I share your pain, just this Wednes. my husband again said to me those dreadful words " I don't know what I want, but I know you would be better off with someone better than me." I have nearly left and gave up on the situation, he refuses to speak to me and when he does he lacks any emotion. But there is also a struggle I see happening in him, he wants to be hateful, but then I see a part of him that wants to love and be loved. So I know deep inside is the man that I fell in love with. My suggestion to you is please don't leave, if you do you will show to him and everyone else that you have given up and that is exactly what the devil wants. God gave him to you as a gift, and no matter the circumstances He expects you to take care of him and love him. God is greater than all, if you have faith he can change your husband to be the man you need, and at the same time he will change you to be the wife and mother he intended you to be. Every time I felt like giving up, I was always angry or frustrated, that's what clued me in on knowing that it wasn't God telling me to go. Please read James 1:12, and Be still, and know that he is God. God loves you, your husband, and your children, he wants to please and comfort you, the devil only comes to destroy. Don't hand your family over to the devil. I hope I may have been of some help, I know writing this has reassured me of my decision to stay with my husband, and I thank you for being that ray of hope for me. May God bless your family and give you strength to persevere <p>[This message has been edited by TTig123 (edited September 03, 1999).]