I posted here quite some time ago and am glad i did. I received some wonderful comments and suggestions. Things were on track, I thought.<BR>My issues is that my wife constantly belittles, humiliates, and curses me. She says that I do not match up to people we know in terms in everything: goals, bank balance, assets, progress, and on and on...<BR>I am tired. There is nothing else she talks about! Whenever she sees me she does it. I come back home from work, she does it. At night during bed-time, she does it. During weekend, she does it. I have no clue why ?<BR>I have a great job which pays me well, a decent house. I do most of the work at home, take care of our son and stuff. She has been studying for quite some time and has been unable to get through the exams. Agreed, they are tough exams. But she should control her emotions, and stop insulting me because of her incapabilities. As if, I was the cause for her failures. She does not work outside or for that matter at home (minimal). She has been after me lately, nagging constantly because a "friend" of ours has bought a nice home in a nice neighborhood. She harasses me day and night about that. She says "Look...he did it, why can't you ?" I try to tell her that every family's situation is different. If we don't do it today, we will tomorrow...<BR>But she does not want to understand and discuss anything. All she wants to do is verbally abuse me...<BR>Well if anyone has experienced this or is experiencing situations like this, please give me some suggestions. I would really appreciate it.

Upbeat,<BR>This post made me cringe. I dont know if I have any advice except to shake her so hard that she wakes up and sees what she is doing to you. You will be a walkawayhubby. She reminds me of my mother when she's been drinking vodka...CRITICAL AND MEAN as a snake. How do you approach her when she does this to you? I wouldnt play into her hands...leave the room or take a drive. She sounds totally insatiable. I wish you all the luck in the world upbeat...and get her into some psychiatric conseling...fast.<BR>ruby

Thanks Ruby. I just don't know how to manage this situation. I try to say a few nice things in the beginning but as you would expect, nothing works. Then I keep mum. She vents out until she runs out of steam. Now if she wants progress, this type of environment really does not help matters.<BR>Psychiatrist would be a far cry. She would go ballistic even at the slightest hint. But I will go, I suppose and find some resolution.<BR>Thanks anyway.

hey,<BR>When my husband and I were having problems (his emotional/verbal abuse got the best of me) My psycholgist said for me to remove myself from the dump truck of s#it that I was under. It actually worked. I would also implement the "I'm sorry that your feeling that way" statement to put the issues bak onto him which is where it stemed anyway. I know you have to be deeply hurt...God knows I was. So yep...go to a psych. for yourself, i think you will benefit from this as I did. Also, Dont allow yourself to believe the putdowns. Your a good man!!!<BR>Ruby

Upbeat,<P>I hear you...validate that you are in pain... and need a solution. Something my pastor said to do was to say, "I love you enough to tell you that what you are saying to me is hurting me, and I won't tolerate it anymore." "If you don't have anything nice to say, then keep your mouth shut."... It's putting up a boundary and expecting the other person to comply. Your wife probably grew up hearing her mother annihilate her dad in the same way.<P>I want to encourage you to stand up, be strong, take the baby away for a drive. Tell your wife that when she is calm, you will speak to her, but the minute she starts degrading you, you will leave the house. Tell her that the name calling and the degrading is going to stop. It's really hard to stand up and love yourself enough to say no to the abuse...but once you do, it's very freeing.<P>I hope things get better for you. I understand how frustrated you are. God's blessings as you work to set the boundaries.<P>Ramy

Dear upbeat:<BR>I feel sad for you to be in such a situation. But,as I see it, this is abuse. Probably one of the worse ones because it is so mentally draining, insulting and degrading. Please don't stand for anyone to talk to you like that, especially a partner. You are not her child. (even if you were, she does not need to belittle you). I definetly think you really need to talk to a therapist about this to get yourself together. Next time she starts yelling, tell her in a very calm voice that you will not accept her yelling at you anymore and if she can't talk to you in a manner that you talk to her in, in a respectful manner, than you don't want to talk to her. Let her go on screaming and shouting (which she will probably do). Ignore it as if she isn't there. Maybe that is hard for you to do, but, try it. Ignore her to the fullest extent as if she isn't there until she calms down and talks to you in a repectful way. Than talk to her. You cannot give someone the respect if they don't give it to you. Remember that. I don't accept that behavior from my children or anyone else. I am a loving, kind, and generous person that demands respect just like you should demand that for yourself. <P>This situation reminds of my children (1 yr and 3 years). When they throw tantrums, I totally ignore them. It works, because then they see I don't pay any attention to them and than they think, hummmm, mommy's not paying any attention to my tantrums. But, when they behavior in the proper manner, I respond. Any therapist who deals with children will tell you to ignore the bad behavior, and I guess I'm telling you the same thing. But, please please please DON'T take this abuse just because she is your wife. She can't be too intrested in what she is doing to you with her verbal abuse if she would flip out over going to see a professional. There is ALOT of issues and anger that she has inside of her. It's ashame that she flips out at the idea because she will ALWAYS be like this (verbally abusive) if she doesn't deal with issues of her past. Quiet possibly, this is the way her parents responded or respond to each other and to her. But, she definetly needs to deal with herself. One cannot move on with any relationship unless they work on loving themselves. <P>I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts and hope you let me know how you are doing.<BR>If you need to talk, I'm here. Your friend, Katya

Thanks Ramy and Katya. I appreciate very much your thoughts and suggestions. Her actions are probably mostly dictated by her past - watching how her parents interacted. I strongly feel that's it after you mention it.<BR>I always ask her to lower her tone and discuss matters concerning her in a positive and productive way, but she has a way of letting out her feelings; this only happens with people she feels she is close with. I know she does this to her mom and dad too. Not our son though, thank god !<BR>Next time it happens I will tell her I cannot tolerate abuse anymore and I will go for a drive or a walk...and keep my sanity and self-respect.

I havent posted here in a while, but this one caught my attention. Maybe it caught my attention because I have been through similar circumstances. My wife can also do this at times. We have been trying to work through some marital problems for over a year now - or maybe I should say that I have been trying. For the first 6 months or so we argued endlessly, with her calling me every name in the book and telling me what garbage I was. I would respond back with the usual kind of response one would do to an attack like that and it would escalate and escalate until I was completely broken down and falling apart. I couldnt take the ongoing hatefulness. I left a couple times for short seperations, but failure was not really an option for either of us because of our kids. Eventually I contacted Steve Harley and got some counselling. I did most of it alone because my wife thought counselling was a crock, only for weak people, like me. Eventually I learned to better control my response to her attacks and the attacks lessened. Frequently they attacks would start by her making a little comment or dig and then I would respond, then she would, etc, etc. I just ignored or laughed off the initial comments and soon they came less and less. It is much like a child, as we are all humans, and I believe, all still children in one sense or another. Children will test you constantly, and if you respond, will continue to do so. If you dont respond, they will stop testing as much. I would like to say that everything is great between m wife and I, but we battle on in different ways. The battles arent as fierce as they were, but we arent really getting better regarding restoring her good feelings either. We just kind of exist day to day. I hope that you can do better. One other comment is that it sounds like your wife is under a lot of stress with this testing issue. Remember it isnt you that is causing this, it is other influences in her life, past and present. Try not to take it too personally, although I know that is hard.<P>Good luck.<P>Matt

Thanks a bunch Matt. Your situation seems so much like mine. I sometimes wonder how I am able to continue like this. I have to do the best I can I suppose. I am now following some of the suggestions given by members. As best as possible I try not get involved when she starts the fight. I listen and if it begins to get out of control, I excuse myself and go outside. Seems to work for now. Too bad she does not understand life could be so much better if only issues could be resolved in a peaceful manner. But I hope and pray that she realizes what a negative impact she is creating to herself and family.