Hi anyone <BR> I have a big problem and am very lost confused and really don't know what to do.<BR> My wife and I have been Seperated for 1 year. And I have been trying everything I know to Win her love back. and the more I have tried the more I push here away. She said she just wants to be left alone and she needs space. So over the last year I really try and give her the space she needs. I do still try and talk with her on the phone when I call and talk with my 4 year old. But really no improvement. Se says she hates me. doesn't want to be my friend. Things like that. So over the last year When I try not to even talk with herunless its about the girls. and really give her the space she is needing, When we have ended up talking she says I kcan tell when you have a girlfrien and when you don't. When you do you ingnore me and when you don't you call and try and talk with me. <BR> Both are wrong I haven't had a girlfriend at all. I have a very dear friend who I confide in and she brings her kids over so mine and hers can play. And that has only happend 5 times in a year. So she thinks this woman is my girlfriend because we cry on each others shoulders do things together, but never even held her hands. Just friends<BR> HERE IS MY HUGE PROBLEM, A good friend of mine I met durning a divorce recovery class. He put a personal ad on the Internet. My wife answered it. He called me and asked what he should do. I said send it to me. I responded for him just saying I would like to get to know her better. I have been chatting with her now she has sent me her Picture and I have sent her mine, but it was a very bad picture of me. not really looking like me. Anyway we have chatted about everthing and I got her to make a promise and try to open up to her husband and become friends and repair there marriage she said she would try but the was nothing left. No love or trust that she hated him. I have convinced her that the childern are the top priority and never give up. Well I talked with her on the phone and it was one of the most civil small talks I have had with her in a long time. I still love her very much and am loving her more chating with her by mail and a privaite chat room. She has become everything else I wanted her to be during our marriage. She told me about her last boyfriend and how great the sex was between them. That riped my heart out. After the had sex a few times he dumped her.. I have learned so much from her by pretending to be my buddy. shw wants to continue to chat online and email and wants to meet but knows we both will have to get sitters because of the kids. I can't meet her or tell her the guy online is me. She is getting very attached to him ( its really me) on line I have told her how bad of a husband I was and how I have truly learnd from my past mistakes etc,etc. I told her that sense she wasn't divorced yet she should give her husband a chance and if he has changed then its is worth the risk. I have her open to at least giving him a window. But I don't know what to do know should I continue to chat on line with her and support her but at the same time she will want to meet . And I am falling in love with her all over again. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I think you are toast. If she discovers this deception you will be her most hated person ever for life.<P>I think you had better quit this lying manipulative trick and pretend it never happened. Don't send any good byes or anything. And don't ever log on or communicate under this false pretense again. And this is one of the rare cases where I believe honesty will completely destroy whatever ability you and your ex have to communicate. If she ever finds out, she will feel very controlled and manipulated. I would be surprised if she ever said one word to you again.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by nonplused (edited September 09, 1999).]

I understand everything you are saying that the same way I feel.

EricINIindy,<P>I'm a huge supporter of all of Harley's concepts, including Complete Honesty. And I'll tell you that you should be completely honest with her---you'll never be able to save this relationship without this commitment to honesty. But I'm also a realist: I agree with nonplused---you're 99.95% complete toast.<P>However, to maximize the chance of that 0.05% growing, I'd have you counsel with Steve Harley. You need a professional's guidance in dealing with this marriage. Steve is the best (in my book); you can set up phone counseling with him through MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). I think you need this counseling anyway---if your wife still hates you, you've got some serious relationship problems that YOU need to straighten out. If it doesn't work in this marriage, it'll help you down the road.<P>Eric---give Steve a call. And learn the rules for successful marriages that are listed on this website. I feel for you, you've really hung yourself on this one.

I think if I was in your situation I would send her an email saying something like "I cannot lie anymore... i'm falling in love with you all over again..." and explain things to her just the way you did here on this board. I dont see how she could take a lot of offense in that. If I was her i would be a little mad for the not-revealing-true-identity part but I think ir would be an exciting surprise to find out my confidante on the net was really my husband... Sometimes it is easier to write than talk.<BR>Good luck to you!<BR>jess