I've posted before, but this is a new and depressing development. To recap, my long-term SO and I have had our share of troubles, but have also had more than enough love and laughter to pull us through. Recently, however, we went through a bad time (one situational trouble after another, combined with no chance to get away to regroup together) which culminated in some especially nasty arguments between us; at one point, I felt (and said) that I no longer loved him. We've since "made up," but to my horror (I very much want this relationship to work), it does seem to be true that I don't feel the love for him that I did. I know the experience of being "in love" (honeymoon phase) doesn't last forever, but it lasted more than four years for us, through thick and thin. Now it's almost as if some magic spell is broken. I don't see him in the same glowing way (he sometimes seems like a stranger to me), conversation doesn't flow easily, we don't have the fun we used to, sex isn't what it used to be. It's as if suddenly our gears don't mesh anymore, and I don't know how to fix it. I even wonder if it's just that I'm depressed from that stressful episode and so don't "feel" the love I still feel. I know relationships ebb and flow, but I'm worried. Could I just be "traumatized" from our recent fights, or does there come a time, if there are too many (and too horrible) fights, when you can really lose what you had?? If you CAN get the magic back again, HOW??? Any advice would be very much appreciated. <BR>

Quandry,<BR>I think you already answered your question <BR>I think that when we argue with our spouses and issues are not quite resolved that resentment is harboured. Although the arguement was "settled" there still might be unresolved conflict hince resentment/anger. This is how I am affected when I feel that my issues are not understood fully and not validated. I know that when I dont feel as close and loving to my H that this is the main reason. We eventually work through it...it doesnt seem to affect my H like it does me. He tends to sweep things under the carpet...and sometimes it resurfaces.<BR>Search in your soul for unresolved issues...and release them! <BR>Your H might not even know that you are feeling this way.<BR>kindest regards,<BR>ruby

Dear Quandry-<P>Take a look at http://www.retrouvaille.org- This is a type of marriage workshop/retreat first started in Quebec, hence the name "Retrouvaille", which is French for "rediscovery". It sounds like your SO would be willing to go. Can't hurt. You may also want to check with your doctor about the possibility of depression. Best of luck.<P>h<P>P.S. One of the main themes for discussion is that Love is a Decision. Emotions may come and go, but if you have real commitment, that is, if you have made the decision to love, you can create the atmosphere or circumstances for the feeling to return.<p>[This message has been edited by harlequin (edited September 21, 1999).]