Just curiouse as to what other people thought about spouses and themselves having opposite sex friends...<P>Personally I dont see a problem with it as long as boundaries are set and everyone respects the boundaries... and trusts. <BR><P>------------------<BR>No god, no peace; know god, know peace.<BR>

I KNOW I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes.<P>I think opposite sex friendships (when one or more parties are involved with others) are fine, if they are limited to general conversational topics, and if they involve the significant others. But that rarely happens.<P>What usually happens is that there is a lot of being alone together, and secrecy about the nature of the relationship...and that eternal bugaboo, sexual tension. Sexual tension on one or both sides, which gets worse when the friendship turns to sharing confidances and depending on each other for emotional support. This sounds very cynical, but all too often one party takes advantage of the situation, either knowingly or on the spur of the moment, and it turns into an emotional, if not physical, affair.<P>To give you an example, I had a male friend for 11 years. We got on famously, always shared our deepest confidences, even though I was involved with others and so was he. I figured I'd found my perfect male friend -- one who could give me insight into the male perspective and yet who behaved (in my mind) like a woman -- open, honest about emotions, and very perceptive. What do I find out in March, when he'd had too much to drink? He's been secretly in love with me all these years and always counselled me to get out of those relationships because he wanted me for himself. I found this out when I told him of my latest marital troubles, and he confessed that he was hoping I would "come to him".<P>See what I mean?<P>I could go on and on about this but I see opposite sex friendships (when one or both parties are involved with others) as basically untenable. It's all very well to talk about boundaries, but you'll find they often go out the window when emotions get stirred up.<P>My new philosophy? Best to not even "go there" in the first place.<P>- Cristalle (donning my asbestos twinset)

I agree with you, Crystalle...do you have a spare asbestos suit I can borrow? <P>Every single one of my platonic male friendships have always had to address the sex question at one time or another. Except my gay friends of course. At some point in our relationship they (never me) have expressed an interest in having sex with me, be it a full-blown love affair or just a friendly [censored]. Sometimes when I said no it ended the friendships and other times it just made him hide his desires better. But it's known that if I should ever be lonely he's there for me, if you know what I mean. <P>My H's opposite sex friends within our marriage must meet the criteria. <BR>#1. Is she respectful of our committment or is she "on the prowl"?<BR>#2. Is she a former lover of my H? (That's the trouble I've been having w/my H who's emotionally attached to his ex-g/f and maintains a private friendship with her.)<BR>#3. Is she my friend too?<BR>#4. Is she flirtatious and overly-affectionate with my H? <BR>#5. If she's married, is her H our friend too?<BR>#6. Is she respectful of our boundaries (one is we do not entertain op. sex friends alone).<BR>#7. Is she lesbian? My alternative friends are ok, and my H doesn't mind me spending time alone with my male gay friends either. <BR>#8. Private friendships are not allowed. But I'm still struggling with my H's ex-g/f & their private friendship...*sigh*<BR>#9. Is she sexually promiscuous? I've had couples invite me for threesomes so I'm leery of the swingers.<BR>10. Is the friend physically repulsive? My H doesn't have any problems with me travelling out of town to spend an afternoon with my 350lb. straight male friend who lives with his mother - nor would I be bothered if he found a female friend just the same. <P>He's said all the things other men have said to their W's here "You have no right to dictate to me who is and who isn't my friend." "How dare you not trust me." "We're just friends." "You're just insecure and neurotic and you need some serious counselling." etc etc<P>It's all about his ego - he loves having someone love him (his ex-g/f) in spite of the horrible things he did to her during their relationship (he cheated on her and dumped her after 10yrs. shacking up) He continues to reject her, to a degree, and make her feel like she doesn't measure up. Why does she stay with him? She comes from a seriously abusive/alcoholic family and I guess she doesn't think she can do any better - it must reinforce something she's trying to resolve from her messed up childhood. My H is resolving some childhood abandonment issue where he acts just as awful as he can and still is not rejected - is this unconditional love they share or is it some sick "dance" they're doing? <P><BR>

I think they're playing with fire. Although, if the other spouse is ALWAYS included and the spouse and the opposite sex friend are never alone it is fine. <P>H and I have friends that we always include eachother. But H has a friend that he doesn't have a problem with being alone with, but I see way to many red flags. Let's put it this way, she fits almost all of KarmaGrrl's criteria as someone that is not allowed. <P>I just see it as being dangerous if one of the spouse's isn't included and the opposite sex friend is alone with the spouse.

Sometimes a Friend is Just a Friend and you don't see it Male or Female, Affrican American or White, Doctor or Garbageperson, etc...

In my experience, Cristalle and Karma are right on track. Best to not even go there, and Karma, that was a good list. Thanks for sharing. <P>After both of us circling with all those same feelings--he/she's JUST a friend...well, it doesn't matter what's on THEIR agenda, I'm only interested in the friendship aspect and can HANDLE more attention if it's offered...wait a minute, they only talk to youuuuuu...don't you trust meeeee?...on and on. And as our trust in each other grows, so does our wisdom in shying away from opposite sex friendship. Work relationships can be pleasant and a couple should be aware of and follow through with agreed boundaries. <P>A pity it's this way, but it sure seems to be this way anyway. Sexual attraction is in the mix from someone, usually, in opposite sex friendships. Value your spouse's wishes as importantly as your own. It's great to see a couple so trusting of each other that they allow such friendship(s). Maybe it would work if when one of the couple expresses concern about the attentions of another and it's IMMEDIATELY curbed, respectfully, instead of offering justifications for continuing the friendship without change.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

I have never seen a marriage that was enhanced by a friendship of this type. I have on the otherhand seen many marriages destroyed by what started out as an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex. When you think about it nearly all affairs started in this way. You can also be sure that when the friendship started an affair was the last thing on their minds. I even know people who talked openly about how they were safe guarding this relationship so that it would not become inappropriate. I am convinced that there is no sin that I am not capable of given the right set of circumstances. Because I know that I am a falible being I take very strict precautions to protect the things I value most. There is nothin wrong with a friendship with a person of the opposite sex it just isn't a wise choice if I want to be sure that I stay faithful to my wife and family. For that reason I have a set of rules that I use that I have imposed on myself. These rules are not there to hinder my enjoyment of life but rather to shelter and protect the things in life that brings me the most joy.<P>1.) I am never intentionally alone with a person of the opposite sex for any reason.<P>2.) If I find myself alone with a person of the opposite sex I remove myself as quickly and as politely as possibble, but I LEAVE.<P>3.) I never talk with anyone of the opposite sex about my spouse unless I am bragging about her.<P>4.) I always let my spouse know where I am and what I'm doing.<P>The result of these rules is 21 years of marriage. Have they all been happy ones? Mostly. When was I the least happy with our marriage? When I was more focused on my desires than her needs. Why don't I feel cheated by not allowing myself to have a friendship with a person of the opposite sex? Because my best friend is my spouse!<P>My advice is to compile your own personal rules before there is a relationship you want to pursue. There is nothing that can twist rational thought more effectively than emtional involvement.

I agree with Mudder, Cristalle, Sara & Karmagirll....I personally don't think the risk is worth it...

When my wife and I were having problems, she struck a "friendship" with a divorced man. She kept it secret from me and all of her other friends. When this friendship came to light several months ago, it was a major blow to our relationship. I believe her when she says that there was no sex involved, but she cannot see or will not admit to the emotional attachment that developed. Since my becoming aware of this secret relationship, she has at least twice gone back to secretly seeing him. You can't imagine how devastating this is. The Vaughan-Vaughan.com site will also say that the secret nature of a relationship is what throws it into the mega-danger zone.