well, hello all. today is a pretty weird day for me. i'm not sure if i am okay or not. <p>this is it... last night i got my finalized papers in the mail. my 16 year marriage has been dissoved since 10/25/01... 20 days after my 16th wedding anniversary. Dang, i don't know how to feel.<p>my exh and i haven't been getting along too great either. he spoke of reconciliation at one time, but when i moved recently, i got an overwhelming sense of independence and i have somewhat pulled back.<p>i fought my ex tooth and nail to not divorce. he fought me back tooth and nail to "just sign the papers". he told me all kinds of mean things and intiated several acts of rejection, verbal abuse and physical violence (he did not hit me, but he was very violent, broke things, etc.) now he feels like i am rejecting him and in some sort of way maybe i am. <p>i have expressed to him that i now have boundaries and i have demands that he will have to meet to be in my life again. i will not return to the same verbally, emtionally abusive relationship that we had. i expressed to him that i need to be treated a certain way, and that he needs to seek some counsleing. he disregards my wishes and dwells on something else that we spoke on to keep from addressing the real issues.<p>i can't go back to that. he says he loves me, but he is obviously unwilling to change. i am really torn up and feeling way too conflicted about trying to work on it or to just allow myself to completly move on...

Idostylin,<p>I am so sorry about your divorce, but, I
do understand the ambivilence that you
feel..about wanting the marriage..just
not the abuse that went with it..<p>I agree, that you can't go back to the abuser
unless you see that he has truly changed..or at
least that he is taking steps to change..and
until you see that..it's hard..<p>And I also understand the fear the violence
instills, if he break that dish, or punches a
hole in the wall because he's angry what will
it take for him to hit you next?? And how do
I know what or when that will be?? <p>You say, he feels like you are rejecting him..
No, your not rejecting him..your rejecting the
abuse he instilled..(like love the sinner/hate
the sin) and in order to protect yourself..you
removed yourself from it..so you did the right
thing..no matter how difficult it is..<p>just know that my prayers and others here
are with you..

thanks for the support rosy [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] i think i am feeling a lot more sad than i first thought. oh boy what a day this is going to be.<p>i feel like screaming and crying... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey Kim,
(((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))))))<p>Sorry you are having such a bad day. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today. You will be just fine. Maybe you can treat yourself to something nice today. You deserve it. If you are working in downtown LA today or this week, let me know and I can give you a real hug or maybe grab some coffee with you.<p>Take care.<p>Michele

Hi Idosylin,<p>I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm in a very similar one. I still have days when I cry for the end of the marriage, for my H, for everything. But at this point, I couldn't take him back without a MAJOR change on his part. <p>I just wanted you to also read my post today....<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=004867 <p>I still have a hard time knowing how to pray about my situation...I just don't have the wisdom or words to say how I feel. This devotional said it all for me. Sometimes I just look at God with that "help me" expression on my face. I know He understands.<p>Let Him carry you today.
Aloha,
Ms. O<p>[ October 31, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

I am sorry to hear that you could not save your marriage single handedly. We have all tried here, we all did the best we could. <p>The roller coaster will still continue for awhile, although the peaks and valleys will get smaller and smaller. eventually all feelings you had for your H will fade and he will just be another person.<p>In the mean time, take care of yourself, which means learn to live by yourself, learn to be happy with yourself, and go out with friends, join a sports team, become a supporter/participant in a community service. take a new class or learn a new skill. make some new personal goals and strive to achieve them<p>self esteem comes from hard work and success, little by little you will gain it back. and resist the temptation to date for awhile, get stronger first, be sure you are over the grieving process of the marriage, and then be open to introductions to new people.<p>and remember, what goes around comes around so don't worry about X, he will crash at sometime in the future.<p>tom

hey michele,<p>i work in Culver City, but maybe one day soon we can meet in the mddle. i would really like that...

Dang, I paged my ex to ask him if he was able to bring dry ice to my d's school this morning... he took an hour to call me back and when he did he was totally professional sounding and acting.<p>b-4 he called me i called my d on her cell phone and asked her if he brought the ice. i probably should have just called her in the first place, but i guess i did it the way i wanted to. heck who am i kidding. <p>when i told him i already asked d he just hung up. something he does regularly and knows i can't stand. oh boy i am miserable and conflicted... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Go ahead and scream and cry..you have the
right to do that..get it out..so that you
can let it go.. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And yes, it will get easier..can't say when..
But I know that it will..I just wish my d
was finally over..and not dragging out..<p>You can finally have some sort of closure...

Hang in there Kim. You are going to be fine eventually. ThornedRose is right. Get it all out of your system, you are entitled. Keep in mind that even though your husband is the one that filed the divorce, he is probably having the same feelings as you are on some level knowing that it is over.<p>Keep you chin up and yes, we will have to meet in the middle one day.<p>Later<p>Michele

i'm bumping myself. i am feeling so crappy right now. it is even hard to work... i just can't seem to put my mind to it...<p>oh my gosh..........

((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))<p>I am so sorry that it had to come to this for you. It is important to let the feelings out, and really ask yourself what it is that you ARE feeling. Is it anger? Regret? Relief? Sadness?<p>You are in mourning for your marriage, Kim, and the process is going to be tough. But you are strong. You have made it this far, and you will make it further on this rocky road.<p>Take care, sis.<p>love and light,<p>Jacky

Hi idostylin,<p>I am not yet divorced, but my husband announced to me recently (four days after I threw him out because I couldn't take his behaviour and dishonesty) that he was leaving for good.<p>I want to share with you a post I made on the "translation" thread where I identified five separate feelings I have.. my own personal roller coaster. I hope that in my sharing this you can take comfort that you are not alone. (I feel I am falling to bits and pieces!)<p><hug> A. P.S. sorry it is a bit long [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>===============================
Yes, JC'S mommy... I feel relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I am so happy to have found marriage builders (even though it seems i am too late.)
Haven't spoken to my husband since Friday night (when he announced he was getting a legal separation). My parents are supportive. I feel like I am spinning, because I feel such a wide range of conflicting emotions.<p>1. Shame. How could I let this happen... how could I not have seen what was going on... i had a big wedding and my family gave many gifts, and now I feel guilty. I feel like i lied to my priest when i told him we wanted to get married and I was sure of what i was getting into. I feel like I lied to myself, my family, God. Now I have to face them when I tell the news.<p>2. Confusion. Where do I go from here? Do I try and get him back? Do I even want back a man who might leave me again when the going gets tough (and by then I might be pregnant or have a child)? Can I ever trust him again (he was a pathological liar). But I made a promise, I should do everything I can to keep it, right?<p>3. Pain, pity. I can't believe this is happening to ME. I never thought it would happen. My husband has left me. I must be a bad wife. Everything he said about me must be true. etc...<p>4. Relief. Good. he was a rotten husband. A liar. He didn't care about my feelings and made effort to harm our relationship, not fix it. He is a coward, he never stood up for me and didn't take care of me when I was sick. How will he treat me when I am pregnant and hormonal? He calls me a b***h as it is. He turns to cigarette (substance) for "comfort". He compained about me to anyone who would listen, even my own friends and my sister. He has genetic tendency for depression, and he is exactly like his mommy, very insecure (puts others down to feel good about himself). Good, now I don't have to deal with him anymore.<p>5. Sadness. I really loved him and wanted to be with him forever. He could be a good guy and seemed to actually be getting back on his feet, and it seemed for a while like he was trying to make an effort in the marriage.<p>You must be going through the same emotional roller coaster.<p>tomorrow morning I am going to see the Priest, (the one my H saw last week) to hopefully get some guidance, and some idea as to whether I should try and win him back, or try and get on with my life. <p>I would like to hear more news on your situation, JC's Mommy, and anyone else who is reading this thread... it would help me, and each other, out. I am interested in your stories.<p>Love and luck<p>A. <p>===============================

avatar,<p>my opinion:<p>1) you did not lie in the past, you made a mistake from naievete. . . big difference.<p>2) no kids and not an unblissful marriage: end it, because if you want kids, you have to have a strong prekid marriage to survive the stresses of parenting.<p>if you don't have it and there isn't any effort towards working on it, bail, take your lumps, learn a great lesson, and do a much better time the second time around.<p>just me,
the only reason to get married is to have kids.
if no kids, well, it won't be that bad.<p>tom

Thank you Tom, for the support [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In some ways I agree with you. I just cannot stand to work so hard to get him back only to worry that he might just leave again.<p>idostylin, what do your children think of all this? I know i am one of the few on this board who does not have children yet and I cannot even imagine the impact on them. Thats why I am ambivalent about getting back with my H, in case we have children and go through this all over again.<p>My advice is to allow yourself some time and things will sort out. Right now it seems you are very confused. Also I think it all depends on his behaviour. Do NOT return to an unhappy relationship. Wait until after he has made some changes to prove to you he is worth your while. Give yourself time to think. Does he appear to want reconciliation? If he does not, you would just be wasting your time, "blood from a stone" thing.<p>Best of luck to you, keep us posted.<p>A.

good morning all,<p>another day. i just don't know where i am. <p>Avatar:
you hit the nail on the head with all the conflicted emotions. i just am so confused. one minute i am okay and the very next minute i'm not. i can hear a song or see something that reminds me of my 21 year relationship that seemed to end with little or no effort.<p>sure we did the counseling thing. but it doesn't work if you don't work it, so that never helped us. when we did counseling my ex would say he was there to help me and find out what was wrong with me. never any acknowledgement on his part that he needed to deal with his many sick, deep seeded issues, his anger, abusive and controlling behavior, his lack of being able to have a healthy relationship with anybody in the family. especially my son. in fact a lot of our disagreements were related to my son. <p>my son is not an easy person to get along with. some would call him bad. he is rebellious and angry. just like, guess who??? you guessed it, his dad. but his dad can't see it and my son can't see it. so they hate each other and i am caught in the middle. i mean they have had a very strained relationship. my ex will not admit the very negetive attitude he holds towards our son, but i see it and we had many, many arguments. then ex acts like our daughter is the child from heaven and wears wings... she can do no wrong in his eyes. she is a much easier child to get along with and he likes her. <p>anything my ex doesn't like he discards. even if it is a person. he can't discern between not liking the behavior or the object of the behavior vs. not liking the person. in 20+ years he has thrown me out more than 10 times because i did something to dissappoint him (i.e, bought myself a tennis braclet on our 13th wedding anniversary because he bought me a shirt, had a credit card that he didn't know abuout, mind you i have always had a job, etc.) just out in the street... i always left without a fight and always returned without any boundaries, only to have it happen again. because when he realizes it's the behavor and not the person he wants you back. <p>i know i am just rambling. i feel crazy. i am not too sure what i want. <p>there has been talk of reconcilliation. he said that his intention was to tear it down to rebuild it, but first of all he doesn't want to make any sacrifices and/or changes and i never understood breaking up to make up. especialy a Divorce!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] that is just ridiculous to me. i tried to tell him that once he tore it to that extreme there could be a possiblitly that we could never repair it.<p>he thinks we can just act like none of the past happened and go on. but that is not the case. in the past 9 months i've suffered. in fact this is our third seperation since 1998 (a long story, don't feel like typing all that right now)but i will say that he was very mean an verbally abusive during all 3 seperations and the last 2 were very ugly and out of control. even with all that we still got back togehter. last year my daughter told me that she felt me and her dad "should just get a divorce". she is very okay with all this. in fact, we moved into a nice, cute little apartment, just she and i, and she has never been happier. sometimes she takes the role of my supporter. she holds me up and encourages me. she is such a big girl. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>some days i feel guilty the way i lean on her for support. i feel guilty that i actually allow her to be my anchor. if it wasn't for my son and my daughter i would be dead right now (suicide attempt in late 2/01)... just after ex announced that he was sick of me and didn't want to be with me anymore. now he wants me just to believe that he loves me still and that he never intended for us to remain apart. what???? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
how does he expect me to buy that one...<p>OMG - i am going crazy here... <p>NE way, thanks everyone for all the love and support. i realy need you all right now. i really thank God for this web site and all the people here. it has helped me tremendously. i have love for everyone here. our pain joins us together but evertyhing that the devil means for bad God means for good. He has given us a way to find support and healing. isn't He Good??? i still count it all joy. even today, because i know, "this too shall pass"...<p>much love to you all, <p>kim<p>p.s. Michele, here is my email address at work... kim@aci3.com email me and i will give you my wrk phone number... then one day we can "do lunch" [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] okay i know that was kind of hollywoodish, i mean we can do the 1/2 and 1/2 thing...

((((((((((((((KIM))))))))))))))<p>
3.5 Months ago I had a post with the EXAXT same title. I don't know what to tell you only that you are a very special person. God only created one Kim. Take care of yourself and try to give as much pain away as you can for in our darkest hours He will carry us through. <p>Didn't mean to go a religious on ya but it worked for me and please take some comfort in knowing that on these boards you are loved unconditionally.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, and Prayers from your brother in Christ and divorce

Kim and Michele... don't know when but sometime in the future, when I come to LA, let's get together downtown for a coffee. I will likely be staying around Pasadena... maybe Cmas or I don't know when.<p>Hey Kim... just leave your H out of the picture for a while if you can. You need to heal, and it sounds like he needs space. If he's going to be so rude as to hang up on you, then just distance yourself for a bit. It's hard... just because the divorce is legal, doesn't mean the emotional bond is separated yet. But, turn your FACE back to the One who created you... let HIM bring you comfort. You will feel pain, but He will walk it through with you...<p>Hang in there girl...<p>Nicole

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by OvrCs:
<strong>Kim and Michele... don't know when but sometime in the future, when I come to LA, let's get together downtown for a coffee. I will likely be staying around Pasadena... maybe Cmas or I don't know when.
Nicole</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I can't wiat...<p>I hear you nicole. i think you are right we both need a rest form each other but it is hard. like now he is being so nice. he is not being pusy or rude (only been 1 day)... sometimes i want to give in and give him a chance but he usually does domething that makes me regret that. <p>one good thing is i feel a little better today. i think there are some dynamics to my feeling better, a freind, ya know. it was suggested that i not see anybody, but this was unplanned. a good friend. nothing serious, but a good friend. supportive, comapssionate, thoughtful and kind. OMG, here i go again more salt in the wound... i think i like to be stressed out... [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

... a male friend? ...<p>Girl, tread carefully... dangerous waters ahead especially with your self-esteem assaulted as it has been. You're right... salt in the wound.<p>BUT, if it's truly a friend, then good... God sends agents into our lives... through friendships. But, you need to think things through, all possibilities that may happen so you don't find yourself in one of those, "Oh, I don't know how this happened" zones...<p>I'll let you know if/when I come to LA... in the meantime, if you get to Chicago, you let me know.<p>Cheers!
Nicole