I would like to know if there's anyone who went through or is going through what I'm about to share. It is my desire to separate from my H. I left home in May for 2 1/2 months to get my thoughts together and decide if the marriage could work and in that timeframe by myself (I subleased an apartment) I did not once miss him or think about him. It was really nice. I returned home thinking it may be different and get better. It's actually worse than it was before I left. I presented my h with separation papers (that were not cheap) and he refused to sign them (after he said he would consider it). I cannot obtain approval for an apartment w/o the papers due to the mortgage we have. I feel like he has me on a string and it does not feel good at all. I fell very trapped. He has made threats and I'm very miserable. I do not want to impose on others and just sleep around from house to house. If I moved, I want all of my personal belongings with me. I want to move only once. He has threatened to throw my clothes out on the front lawn and bleach them. He says he'll throw my computer out there also. He pressures me for sex that I have been withholding for two weeks now because I dont want to engage in it. I'm not attracted to him in that way any longer and I feel violated when it happens so I dont' want to feel used anymore. He uses that as a reason not to sign the papers. I feel trapped with no place to go.

I'm curious why you had separation papers drawn up instead of divorce papers. You sound so certain that the marriage has no future. Some folks here have turned marriages around that I wouldn't want to touch with a 10 foot pole. OTOH if your H is abusive, you would be wise to separate. If that is the case, moving just once may need to step down the ladder a few rungs in your priorities. If things are really bad, you can contact your local women's shelter and place your belongings in storage for a temporary solution. Your safety is more important than your belongings or your financial concerns.

I filed the separation papers because the divorce could happen in six months with them (VA law) as opposed to a year, and the divorce would be less expensive with the seperation papers. IN addition, because of the mortgage, the separation papers are beneficial. Thanks for your response and I do plan to contact the local YWCA for advice on how to handle the situation while I am still in the house.

It sounds bad. Sorry about your situation. Seems to me there is no point even trying to B$ about reconciliation right now. Sounds like you need to get some help - perhaps even a restraining order -if he is making threats. Don't take his threats lightly. <p>PRIORITY NUMBER 1: Get some help from a friend or family member(s) and get out of there.<p>Worry about money and everything else later. Your health and well being should be your top priority at this point. Without those, you're worthless to everyone, including yourself. NO ONE should have to live in fear.<p>Best of luck to you. <p>TFA

PRIORITY NUMBER 1: Get some help from a friend or family member(s) and get out of there.
NOT from any male friends!<p>Tell us a bit of what was going on previously.<p>It is my desire to separate from my H.
Why?<p>I left home in May for 2 1/2 months to get my thoughts together
What were your thoughts prior to moving out?<p>It was really nice.
What was different and why was it nice on your own, but not at home?<p>It's actually worse than it was before I left.
What was worse? What was bad?<p>I'm not attracted to him
What happened to make your h not attractive to you anymore?<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

If your H is abusive then you need to find some assistance for that...however, his threats may be him trying everything within his power to keep you from leaving him. I know I made some wild threats when my H just announced he wanted to leave without trying to work through problems. It comes from confusion, panic and a horrible terror that you might lose the person you love the most without so much as an explanation (I have yet to really get anything, but "I just don't want to do it anymore"). Give him time to calm down, but if he is being physically abusive, please seek some assistance.<p>That being said...I live in VA. And just as you have every right to file the separation papers, your H has every right NOT to sign them. I will not sign my H's separation papers (if he ever files), because I will not give him a "quickie" divorce in 6 months. Also, it is his decision to leave, so why should I do things to make it EASY for him. Your H is probably thinking similar things...and while I sympathize with your frustration, you have to understand that your H has every right NOT to sign the papers until legally required, even if that makes it difficult for you to build your new life. He is trying to preserve the old one the best way he thinks he can (whether it be the right way or not). <p>From my understanding he will not be compelled to sign anything until 1 year from the date of separation (from when you two have separate residences because an inhouse separation is HARD to prove) that is continuous (your past 2 months do not count). And even then he can not sign papers and tie things up for a few months (I know an H who does not want to be divorced who is doing that, but they have kids and such so there are more legalities and finer points to work out than people without kids).<p>Good luck to you.

To respond to Chris's questions:
1. I did not really want to get married when I did but I did to spare my h feelings and bc I wasn't strong enough myself to fess up to my true feelings at the time. We had big problems before we married and I knew he wasn't the one I should really be marrying but I went through the motions anyways. My heart hasn't been the marriage since it happened two years ago. (I was even engaged for a year to stall bc I didn't want to go through with it).
2. Before I moved out, I was so miserable and sick of my h, I hated to be in the same room as him, to talk to him, to be talked to, and the verbal abuse was really bad. I was an emotional wreck. I had announced to him in November 00 for the first time my true feelings about getting married.
3. The apartment was nice in itself. I was happy to be alone, by myself, the solitude I desire. I love to be to myself most of the time and this doesn't always work in my marriage. My h requires a lot of attention and he wouldn't always accept my need to be alone and do things by myself. It was just nice for 2 1/2 months to come home to peace and quiet and not have someone bug me and bother me. I'm a loner for the most part.
4. Since I've come back home, the threats began again. He put my computer out in a pouring down storm simply bc I didn't go with him to see his parents one day. I just dont' feel secure emotionally. I'm not in love with him and don't feel I love him. I'm not s attracted to him and haven't been for a very long time. I care about him though.
5. I'm not really sure what happened to make the s attraction disappear. It could be the mental abuse and near physical abuse that I've sustained that has built up resentment in me? I wasn't all that s attracted to him before we were married. I think the attraction left about 2 years after we dated (three years before we married). I'd just "go through the motions" with him.<p>
Thanks for your input Joanne. I understand my h point of view as you've explained, but it's just hard to deal with that's all. If he doesn't sign, so be it. I'll be out of $175 (which is a fortune with my financial situation) and I'll just have to move on and do what I have to do to leave w/o it.