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Day after day I hear the guys on here WISH and HOPE and YEARN for their wives to want sex and say it to them out loud that they want it. Well here I am, that woman-I do say it out loud-and my H doesn't respond!! I think I'm married to the only man in America who doesn't like sex! Or maybe it's just that he doesn't like sex with ME. So here are my questions:<p>#1 - Is this too subtle or would you have realized that I was "in the mood"? Night One: "I'm coming to bed nude, honey!" Day Two: "I'd like to light some candles and turn on some music, because I'd like to be with you tonight." Night Two (we went out to a very nice dinner and the bill was a little high): He said "You're an expensive date" and I said, "Yeah, but I'm willing to put out-heehee. I'll make it worth your while when we get home!" <p>#2 - How many men on this forum would give just about ANYTHING for the chance to have their wife talk to them like that? Would you find it annoying or would you consider it a gift and a privilege?<p>#3 - If by some miracle your wife DID talk to you like that, how many men would complain about a headache and fall asleep without so much as a hug, a goodnight kiss or any kind of snuggling BOTH NIGHTS?<p>#4 - Am I missing something? I am DOING what I hear everybody saying they want their wife to do, and I am getting turned down!! What am I missing?<p>#5 - Why doesn't he get it that sex is not just a thundering O? It's also feeling close to each other, and expressing interest in the other person, and being attracted to the other person, and showing some desire and passion, and reassuring, and communicating "You make me feel special," and sort of saying, "I want you and I want to be with you"?<p>I just feel so rejected!! Plus, lately I have had to beg him for his attention, beg him to spend time with me, and now beg him for sex! It's so degrading. I really feel like he wishes I would shut up and go away and let him do what he ENJOYS doing (work) rather than having to bother with me. <p>Do you have any advice for me?<p>
CJ
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(((((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))<p>Let me address your comments a little:<p>#1 – My X did these things and I guarantee I knew she was totally in the mood. Not to mention I was like always in the mood.<p>#2 – It is really awesome, fun, & erotic to have you mate do these things for you as long as it’s not to the excess. You know if you were doing this night in and night out I can see it getting old.<p>#3 – I would comment but it may get me kicked out. <p>#4 – Time for my opinion here. This is totally out of the blue and I have no basis for giving it. I believe that your H is obviously still internally struggleing with guilt of his ways in the past. Affairs usually contain that type of “dirty – fun” sex, I think and it’s possible that seeing his sweet wife acting like this stirs up his guilt.<p>#5 – You know the answer to that one. He’s used sex for just the BIG O in the past and he could see like that again..<p>The only advice I can offer is that if there is ever a time when you feel you can talk about this with him then go for it. I know y’all have a lot of communication hurdles but I hope you can overcome that in this area, no pun intended.
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CJ, if you find a man who wants you sexually, see if he has a brother! My husband has never initiated sex with me, and regularly has refused me (I'm even more direct than you are). Even on the honeymoon, no interest. First year of marriage? Maybe once a month. Second year (which we just finished) - once every six weeks MAYBE, then it totally stopped about June. He says he can't unless he's emotionally close to me. (In my case, he's transferred his emotional closeness to MOW/former friend of mine). Is he having sex with her? Not really torturing myself with what I don't know.<p>My counselor, within 5 words of explaining our lack of sex immediately said, "He has a fear of intimacy." That's why he can be close and have sex with women he's not married to. I know that that's what he saw witness in his family growing up.<p>Any chance this might be the case with your H?
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You not alone!! I also thought it was just me, who had a husband who didn't like alot of sex..I would have to beg him at times and he would still refuse me..Maybe it had something to do with being pregnant i don't know?? But i do know you feel rejected because your husband doesn't want to be intimate with you!!
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CJ - let's send you h, DISODIG's h, and my x to the shrink or to the geneticist.<p>I had to make an appointment a night or two in advance and meet the rest of his schedule - like get in bed early. Then he could go from the initial from the start of foreplay to rolling over and going to sleep in about 10 minutes.<p>And the last slinky gown I bought, he asked "What's this?" "Something I bought that I thought you might like." "Oh."<p>Normally you think of men as the ones whose wives don't want to. But not here.
Sad thing. An eager woman is a terrible thing to waste.
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CJ - let's send you h, DISODIG's h, and my x to the shrink or to the geneticist. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I had to make an appointment a night or two in advance and meet the rest of his schedule - like get in bed early. Then he could go from the initial from the start of foreplay to rolling over and going to sleep in about 10 minutes. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And the last slinky gown I bought, he asked "What's this?" "Something I bought that I thought you might like." "Oh." [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Normally you think of men as the ones whose wives don't want to. But not here. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sad thing. An eager woman is a terrible thing to waste. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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Too subtle??? Ha! Subtle doesn't even BEGIN to describe my XW...she literally expected me to read her mind when it came to sex! Not just whether or not she was in the mood, but about what felt good, what was working and what wasn't. In fact, she refused to communicate verbally about sex at all, even though she had a healthy sex drive, to say the least!<p>I would say you're every man's dream wife!<p>And headaches? Men don't get headaches. In fact, I don't think any amount of pain could stop a man from wanting sex. Are you sure he's really a man? Any past surgeries you don't know about? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Maybe you've accidentally gotten a man from the "Bizarro" universe. You know, like from Superman and Seifeld...a world where everything is the opposite of the way it should be.<p>Or maybe this is the Bizarro universe! After all, I've never met any "eager" women in my world! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
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Please give me a break. LMAOx100000000. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I live in Dallas. And as we all know, Everything is bigger in TEXAS!!!.<p>Sorry Ladies I had to do that one..<p>Somebody PLEASE ask me for an E-mail adress. Stop it, Tex, Stop it. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh, Oh, Take me, Take MMmmmmmmmeeeeee, Oh Please Take Meeeee!!! <p>Stop it, I'm kill-in Me. HeHeHe.<p>CJ, Sweatiee, We need to have a talk. Your H is doing one of two things or maybe even both. He is either using you as a child would, and/or He's going to make you slip up so he can take advantage of the issue.<p>You need to think hard here. We've had converation were I explained how I was left out in the companionship dept. And after a while It became apperant she wasn't going to come around at any cost. I'm moving on. <p>I think you know what is going through my mind. Please be carefull. <p>Now that being said, I would like to say that in my book a man and woman are meant to share. period. To have and to Hold, richer or poorer. <p>His statement "Your an expensive date" should be a telling sign. <p>Take care of yourself sweetie.<p>Tex.
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<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: almostthere ]</p>
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CJ,<p>I'm sure you have read Private Lies by Pittman. But I wanted to point out somethings he says about philanderers:<p>1. It is all about control for them<p>2. You can never do anything good enough for them they will always find fault in you no matter what you do.<p>3. They desexualize you. <p>4. These people need a lot of ongoing therapy. It is a long hard road out.<p>I dealt with all these issues and could never understand why. I couldn't understand why as I got more fit and toned that my H never desired me, never complimented me always could find some fault. I always wondered why he couldn't look at me while we made love. His eyes were always closed. Why he refused a lap dance from his wife. <p>I don't have any answers just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. Been there done that and frankly I'm done. I'm a survivor and I deserve better than that!!
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In my case, I think he knew what he was doing -- I used to be in the convent (although briefly), so he figured I was used to a life of celibacy! Guess what -- I left! The amazing thing, is I really don't take any of this as a reflection on me. Again, I'm blessed because my H has been going to SUCH an extreme in behavior that I am at peace that it's not me. Again, not that I'm perfect or that there aren't things I can learn or do better. But NOTHING I DID MERITED HIS RESPONSE. To all reading who are the BS, this applies to you! Each person in a married relationship has to be a whole, adult human being. If the spouse represented themselves to be, and obviously fooled more people than just the BS, then they are responsible. THEY are the deceivers. Don't accept the responsibility yourself. The fact that you are at this site shows that you were willing to work at the relationship. I called the diocese at one point to seek help and info about a retreat. They asked if we'd tried anything in the meantime. I said, "well, he's tried other woman." The response? "Oh." <p>Can I just say what I bottom line think? I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to explain the fundamentals of marriage to my spouse. If you're married, it means you don't date other people. Hello - that's pretty much your baseline definition. None of the rest, the EN, the intimacy, the physical, can go on if there isn't the basic committment and respect that my spouse is the one person I've committed myself to having a unique relationship with, which means that I will make decisions in reference to him/her, that I want to be with that person, that I want to do what it takes to make the relationship work, that I only open myself up and make myself this vulnerable to you because it's in the context of forever. There will always be more we can learn about how to better support and encourage and nurture our spouse. But why should I tolerate infidelity? It undermines EVERYTHING that makes the married relationship possible.<p>I've been spending the week trying to come to peace and conclusion about things. Tonight, I've been working on my marriage settlement agreement without bitterness, haterd, or tears. Is there pain? Of course. Planning the division of what symbolizes our being united (E.g., wedding presents) just seems wrong. But tolerating what is immoral and unjustifiable is worse.<p>The main phrase that has been getting me through all of this is: Sin is irrational. I cannot make sense of that which, by definition, cannot make sense. The "Fog" that H is in is because he keeps trying to rationalize the irrational. The more he does it, the deeper he sinks in. THe moments of clarity are when sanity strikes. A trained therapist may be able to help him through IF a committment towards rationality and rejoining the rest of us in reality should occur. I can't be the one to do it, though. He is too far gone.<p>I am sorry for him and I feel for him. I will not, however, be pulled any deeper into his nightmare. I will pray for him and, hopefully, we can one day be reconciled and friends. I forgive him, and her; I forgive myself and God. I choose to accept God's gift of peace, joy and purpose. <p>Nighttime is usually when I am at my worse and -- look! It's 920pm. Praise God! There will probably be a few more developements, as I pray about whether to give more time, out of respect for H and his family, as they mourn H's Mother's passing. My resolve and my hope, though, grow day by day.<p>Avatar -- BOY do I hear you! My mother and my best friend were likewise deceived about H's character. IF others were too, they ain't talking! I fell in love with someone who didn't exist. I made a covenant with someone who didn't exist. Because of this, I believe I am freed from that committment. I've stayed and tried to work on the relationship because I take the vows that seriously. He doesn't, though (obviously)! I am not a failure, and neither are you. I can look at my situation and say, this is not what God intended for a marriage. From the hints you've given, you might be able to say the same. When you pray about your relationship, when do you have peace? God is in the whispers, not the storms. The advice on this site is fabulous on many counts. I share that I've only started having clarity when I started distancing myself from caring. That is, once I got into my head that, this isn't going to work, I'm not going to ever be a happy person while I'm with him, I stopped reacting to his lying or not telling me where he'd been. I stopped studying the phone bill to see how many calls were to her. I was able to start living my life and stop making decisions in reference to him or to the Marriage. He wasn't in the marriage. And it really takes two.<p>Just as a side note, I am really looking forward to getting married (again? the first time?!). My views of marriage have not been shaded by this experience, although H's apparently have! He's miserable, and I'm really not. I'm saddened, but I can move on. I'm nervouse about how proceedings will go, financial ramifications, timing, etc. But I'm looking forward to having someone truly care about me, to treat me well and to value the person I am. They will be able to do this because I care about me, I want to treat me well and I value the person I am. I will therefore be able to do the same for them.<p>Plus, the few times we've actually had sex, I liked it and would like to have it again (but with emotion and passion this time!)!
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Sitting here reading this with my mouth agape...<p>Lap Dances Sexy Clothes Sex Sex Sex Women initiating repeatedly<p>SIGN ME UP!!! What I wouldn't give for a woman to jump in my lap and be playful.<p>My WS XW only initiated sex about 5 times. Literally!!! I am going to be so much better off when I meet a woman like the women here.<p>The first marriage counselor we went to (a Christian one) told us that the man was always supposed to initiate sex. Ludicrous!!! To her credit, she talked about "His Needs, Her Needs" and here I am.<p> I'm in Houston, the largest city in Texas. You know what that means... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Kevin
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Does your H have something particularly repressive in his upbringing? Something that makes him uncomfortable with his own sexual needs, and uncomfortable with his wife's openness?<p>You might try posting on the EN board, where they deal with this sort of question a lot. A lot of the people on this board haven't had sex in so long, we've forgotten how to do it.
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0: <strong>Sitting here reading this with my mouth agape...<p>Lap Dances Sexy Clothes Sex Sex Sex Women initiating repeatedly<p>SIGN ME UP!!! What I wouldn't give for a woman to jump in my lap and be playful.<p>My WS XW only initiated sex about 5 times. Literally!!! I am going to be so much better off when I meet a woman like the women here.<p>The first marriage counselor we went to (a Christian one) told us that the man was always supposed to initiate sex. Ludicrous!!! To her credit, she talked about "His Needs, Her Needs" and here I am.<p> I'm in Houston, the largest city in Texas. You know what that means... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Kevin</strong><hr></blockquote><p>5 TIMES that is it!!!! Geeez Kevin! I hope you find a real woman some day. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care<p>ANNA
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I believe you Kevin. We do need to go have a beer sometime. How do I believe? Because it was the same for me. 12Years,,, Heck, I had more sex when I wasn't married. <p>OK, I'll say it... 7 Times.<p>I qualify that by saying... <p>I think. Maybe.<p>Tex.
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#1 - Is this too subtle or would you have realized that I was "in the mood"? Night One: "I'm coming to bed nude, honey!" Day Two: "I'd like to light some candles and turn on some music, because I'd like to be with you tonight...." <p>TFA: No, that wasn't subtle AT ALL. I would know EXACTLY what you wanted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> #2 - How many men on this forum would give just about ANYTHING for the chance to have their wife talk to them like that? Would you find it annoying or would you consider it a gift and a privilege?<p>TFA: My wife IS like that; she always wants to have sex. Better, she always wants to have oral sex - a dream for most men. I don't think it is annoying, BUT it can take away from her mystique. Men are dogs, we like to chase the pussies. Got to be a little elusive, make us work a little bit. In any case, I do consider it a gift. I'd much rather her be insatiable than uninterested.<p>#3 - If by some miracle your wife DID talk to you like that, how many men would complain about a headache and fall asleep without so much as a hug, a goodnight kiss or any kind of snuggling BOTH NIGHTS?<p>TFA: I have done this to her MANY times. It's not because I don't love her, I just literally have no interest at times. Men have emotions, too, and like women, we go through periods when sex just doesn't sound that great.<p>#4 - Am I missing something? I am DOING what I hear everybody saying they want their wife to do, and I am getting turned down!! What am I missing?<p>TFA: You're not missing ANYTHING... I just think you're "giving it up" too easily. The more you want to have sex, the more "clingy" you might feel to him. Back off for a while and I bet he'll come around. Then when he does, tease him relentlessly until he's literally chasing you around the house. Get a toy to hold you over... worked wonders for my wife.<p>#5 - Why doesn't he get it that sex is not just a thundering O? It's also feeling close to each other, and expressing interest in the other person, and being attracted to the other person, and showing some desire and passion, and reassuring, and communicating "You make me feel special," and sort of saying, "I want you and I want to be with you"?<p>TFA: Oh I think he GETS it. We all GET it, we just aren't always "in the mood." Sex is different things to different people, but overall it is a communication of love for most couples. Just because he doesn't label it like you do doesn't mean it isn't special to him. As I said, back off, I guarantee he'll come around. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PS: don't believe the hype from these men saying "sign me up!!" in this forum. If they were in your husband's shoes, they'd be complaining of a headache, too. It's all about the chase. The importance of Male/Female chemistry can not be underscored enough.<p>Good luck.<p>TFA
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#1 - Is this too subtle or would you have realized that I was "in the mood"? Night One: "I'm coming to bed nude, honey!" Day Two: "I'd like to light some candles and turn on some music, because I'd like to be with you tonight...." <p>TFA: No, that wasn't subtle AT ALL. I would know EXACTLY what you wanted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> #2 - How many men on this forum would give just about ANYTHING for the chance to have their wife talk to them like that? Would you find it annoying or would you consider it a gift and a privilege?<p>TFA: My wife IS like that; she always wants to have sex. Better, she always wants to have oral sex - a dream for most men. I don't think it is annoying, BUT it can take away from her mystique. Men are dogs, we like to chase the pussies. Got to be a little elusive, make us work a little bit. In any case, I do consider it a gift. I'd much rather her be insatiable than uninterested.<p>#3 - If by some miracle your wife DID talk to you like that, how many men would complain about a headache and fall asleep without so much as a hug, a goodnight kiss or any kind of snuggling BOTH NIGHTS?<p>TFA: I have done this to her MANY times. It's not because I don't love her, I just literally have no interest at times. Men have emotions, too, and like women, we go through periods when sex just doesn't sound that great.<p>#4 - Am I missing something? I am DOING what I hear everybody saying they want their wife to do, and I am getting turned down!! What am I missing?<p>TFA: You're not missing ANYTHING... I just think you're "giving it up" too easily. The more you want to have sex, the more "clingy" you might feel to him. Back off for a while and I bet he'll come around. Then when he does, tease him relentlessly until he's literally chasing you around the house. Get a toy to hold you over... worked wonders for my wife.<p>#5 - Why doesn't he get it that sex is not just a thundering O? It's also feeling close to each other, and expressing interest in the other person, and being attracted to the other person, and showing some desire and passion, and reassuring, and communicating "You make me feel special," and sort of saying, "I want you and I want to be with you"?<p>TFA: Oh I think he GETS it. We all GET it, we just aren't always "in the mood." Sex is different things to different people, but overall it is a communication of love for most couples. Just because he doesn't label it like you do doesn't mean it isn't special to him. As I said, back off, I guarantee he'll come around. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PS: don't believe the hype from these men saying "sign me up!!" in this forum. If they were in your husband's shoes, they'd be complaining of a headache, too. It's all about the chase. The importance of Male/Female chemistry can not be underscored enough.<p>Good luck.<p>TFA
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<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: almostthere ]</p>
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<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: almostthere ]</p>
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(((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))<p>Well, I know where you're coming from girl, and it is hurtful when that happens.<p>But you are doing such a wonderful Plan A, really, really, really!!!<p>He is self absorbed right now, and that is so hard for you. But keep on doing what you are doing....but in a different wany maybe. The direct approach doesn't seem to work that well, so if you do it you will get hurt. <p>How about offering him a massage? I had some great results with that one. And going to bed nude? I always did anyway, and sometimes, they just can't resist ya! <p>Take care hon!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky
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