Sometimes I want to contribute, but I talk myself out of it because nobody knows who I am. Nobody knows who I am because I've simply never introduced myself.<p>Hi. I'm Brian. I live in the Cincinnati area. Hence the name.<p>I got divorced April 30 of this year. That was two weeks shy of my (our) 8 year anniversary. I'm 28. Yes, we married when I was 20 and she was 19.<p>Things with my wife and I started getting really strained sometime in November last year. I still can't put my finger on what it was. But our relationship was bad, she was struggling with work, her family relationships were tense. She (and I suppose we) were in a bad time. That was the beginning of the fog.<p>Which came first: the other relationship or the fog? I don't know.<p>Kristen withdrew from me and started centering her life on this other person. In early January she became resolved to get a divorce. After she threatened some particularly nasty things I finally signed the dissolution papers in early February (on my birthday, no less). <p>She and this person moved to California on Feb. 26. We were divorced late April. By now we're down to no contact whatsover (save for the occasional email, usually asking for something she left here at the house).<p>I know now that their enmeshed emotional affair changed into a full-blown physical affair during the first week of January. I think that explains her sudden urgency to get divorced and why she reacted so strongly whenever I did anything to try and delay the process. I was getting in the way of her relationship.<p>Of course there are details that I'm leaving out. I'll cover them later. To pique your interest: the "other-person" was a) a woman named Kris, b) a mutual friend of ours, c) the music pastor at our church, d) all of the above.<p>(this is the best kind of test...you can't get the answer wrong)<p>For me, the big challenge is that Kristen is the only womean I've loved. She the only woman I've dated. Having not dated before, I'd never "broken-up" with anyone. <p>There are so many aspects of this that I was unprepared for.<p>I keep re-writing this trying to find the "concise" version. I guess there isn't one.<p>I'll just leave it at that for now.<p>But know this: that whole mess isn't who I am. I wouldn't have chosen it, but there are positive sides to everything. I've leaned on my friends, a good counselor, my parents. Oddly, I think I'm a much "better" person now. I know myself better. I have more faith. I have more and better relationships.<p>Looking forward,<p>Brian<p>"This is lonely,
but never alone." ~Over the Rhine

Welcome Brian.<p>Kinda sorry you are here, but thanks for the introduction. You have come to a great place...there is a lot of good advice for you here, as far as the emotional support goes.<p>It sounds like your marriage is at an end, and it may well be, but there is still a lot you can learn here, and take to new relationships.<p>I hope you stick around...it is always nice to see a new name (well not NICE, cos it is not NICE to be at such a board...but you know what I mean!!!)<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: Nina too ]</p>

Brian, What do you say to this story. I just think you need to move on and get past this. You are young and this was a very bad experiance for you. You need to distance yourself from her and work on yourself. I know that there is a lot of pain here, but as time goes by the pain will be replaced with hope and the prospect of new relationships. Look into plan B and start it now. You never memtioned children, if there are none then that is even better for you. Its time to take control of your life.

Thank you both for your replies.<p>To answer Adam's question: no, no kids. My friends speculate that had we had children then my former wife wouldn't have been so susceptible to this self-centered phase. I'm not so sure but it's good hot-stove fodder.<p>I tend to be fairly optimistic. I'm not always blindly sunny and cheery--when I'm evaulating situations I'm quite realistic (that includes the "what if things go wrong" scenarios). But once things happen I tend to ask "how do I make the best of this?"<p>So that's where I'm left now. I know that there are many people struggling with choices and decisions and difficult situations. I don't mean to make light of that reality. But for me this new stage offers great opportunity. I didn't choose this. But I choose how I respond.<p>I've never lived alone. I'm kind of enjoying that. I've got freedom and control that I've never had as an adult. I never dated a broad cross-section of people. I look forward to being a bit more adventuresome there. I've tended to introversion--which includes a few close friends. I'm growing a circle of friends and acquaintances that is larger and more diverse than ever in my life. That's kind of fun. And after three or four months of excessive emotional energy and effort being extended trying to diagnose and resuscitate my relationship this recent summer has been a time of recuperation and rest.<p>I keep telling myself that many people go through stages of life wishing they could start over. I have that opportunity now in nearly every way. I'm trying to embrace it.<p>But yes, I miss having a partner sometimes. However I'm going to make the best of it.<p>Now I'm just rambling, so I'll stop.<p>bks

Welcome Brian,
It sounds like from your attitude and responses that you are in great shape for what you have been through. I know just what you mean about not choosing this path, but now that you are on it, making the best of it. My story is quite different from yours but I feel some of the same stuff.
My life today is not what little girls dream about, but it is my life and maybe the things I have experienced are the only way I could learn some of what I need to learn. I know my future is going to be better. I am excited about what comes next.
Keep checking in here. Maybe you are here for what you can offer others, as well as for what support you can find for yourself.
Best,
M