Some background on the OW. She's divorced from her H mainly because she wasn't getting the attention she needed. He worked too much and left her feeling lonely. She took up new hobbies to fill her time and realized that other men pay more attention to her than her own H so she left. She made enough money from her share of her ex-H's stock options so she quit her job as a beautician. <p>Well, at the time she met my stbx, she was seeing another MM. Her reason for going after MM was because she didn't want commitment. However, my stbx wasn't going to put up with her seeing other men so she left the other MM. Now she says she wants to make more of a commitment to him and wants him all to herself. <p>Background on my marriage. We've been married for 7 years and have 2 wonderful kids. About the 5th year of our marriage, his parents moved in with us (this alone is another saga). For the 6 months they were living in our house, they gave us nothing but pure hell. I was pregnant with our 2nd child and the stress was overwhelming. My stbx never stood up to his parents to let them know how we felt or how they were treating us. I felt so alone and with my hormones flying, I was extremely emotional. It was at that point in our relationship that I thought about leaving and expressed those feelings to my stbx. The day before I gave birth his parents finally left. <p>The year following their departure was rocky - new baby, new job for me that demanded a lot of time, downsized workload for my stbx (in essence, he was getting paid to do nothing - fully paid sabbatical so to speak). I guess I was harboring a great deal of resentment towards him because of the whole situation with his parents plus other things that happened between us in the past that I neglected his needs. He wasn't getting the attention from me that he wanted and started to feel like he was living with a roommate instead of a wife. Since he had a lot of time on his hands, he started back up with his hobbies and met the OW at a club where he plays his favorite sport. She opened up to him, he reciprocated, she dropped the bait and he went for it. Now he's living with her and we're getting divorced. <p>He met her around March 2000, she made the move on him in May 2000, the poop hit the fan with us in June 2000 (him telling me he doesn't feel passionate towards me, is attracted to other women, is not "in love" with me, can't treat me the way a wife should be treated but knows he can treat other women that way, always had doubts about me, felt like he settled for me, didn't love me anymore, will never come back to me unless he's been with other women, yada yada yada). We started counseling in July 2000 where I found out the reason he wanted to go was because he thought I needed help, I needed to change in order to make things better and make him happy. Finally, in September 2000, five days after our 7 year anniversary he asked for a divorce and moved out. I begged for a separation to see if we could work things out. He agreed to that and three days after he left, he started the physical aspect of the affair. I believe he moved in with her around October/November of last year. He pays rent, splits the utilities, food, etc. <p>Fourteen months later, he's still living with her and not much has changed on his end except that he's not 100% convinced he wants a divorce. As he told me numerous times, he's in no hurry to divorce. For me, plenty has changed. I just relocated across the country and finally found the balance between my career and personal life. I'm also working through my own personal issues to understand my role in this mess and I'm adjusting to being a single parent to a couple of wonderful kids. I'm happier now and more content with myself than I have been in a long time. Although I don't want a divorce and would really like to get this marriage on track, I can't do it alone and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on someone who has no interest and treats me with such disregard. Sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and realize their mistake. In my stbx's case, he's losing me, his kids and any self-respect and integrity he had.

wayconfused,<p>I didn't want you to think that nobody read or cared about your post. I hate it that it has been here 22 hours with no responce from anybody. I read it. I'm not sure if you want advice or what, since you didn't ask for anything. I can't understand why your H would be willing to give up his kids and you.<p>I'm sorry if my post is no help. I'm not in a very helpful frame of mind myself just now. I just wanted you to know that somebody read your thread.<p>-AD

I'm so sorry to read your story. Many others here are much better at giving advice, so I'll leave that to them. You should know that many have walked this road--you are not alone.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wayconfused:
(him telling me he doesn't feel passionate towards me, is attracted to other women, is not "in love" with me, can't treat me the way a wife should be treated but knows he can treat other women that way, always had doubts about me, felt like he settled for me, didn't love me anymore, will never come back to me unless he's been with other women, yada yada yada).<hr></blockquote><p>I don't know if it makes it any easier, but my wife told me quite similar things. Those are some of the most hurtful comments I've had to hear. The truth is, I wonder if she really meant them or was just justifying her own decisions. I don't know if I'll ever know.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>For me, plenty has changed. I just relocated across the country and finally found the balance between my career and personal life. I'm also working through my own personal issues to understand my role in this mess and I'm adjusting to being a single parent to a couple of wonderful kids. I'm happier now and more content with myself than I have been in a long time.<hr></blockquote><p>This certainly sounds encouraging. To me it seems like an ideal foundation to start from (given the circumstances). Keep up with that balance and enjoy what you can in the day to day.<p>This probably isn't very helpful, but you're not alone. There were times when that reality alone helped me cope.<p>Brian<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: CincyBrian ]</p>

I, like the others, don't know if I have anything helpful to offer. But, I am reading and I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have already executed a pretty good Plan A - working on yourself, discovering your role in the breakdown of the marriage, improving your work/home situation... And now, it seems you are considering Plan B - telling him to poop or get off the pot (in a manner of speaking). Perfectly understandable given what you have described.
A WH who has been living with the OW for 14 months and "can't decide" if he wants to get divorced or not is no way to live. You can't really move any further forward while your marriage is in such limbo.
Do you and your H have much communication? Does he pay any child support? Does he see the children? How far away are you living?
Again, I don't know if you are asking for advice or just wanting to be heard (sometimes that is all I need). But, if you are really ready to move on, I would have the serious "come to Jesus" talk with him and say MAKE A DECISION OR I WILL.
Just my .02
M

For my money, your name is wrong. You are thinking clearly. Your stbx is "way confused." <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>him telling me he doesn't feel passionate towards me, is attracted to other women, is not "in love" with me, can't treat me the way a wife should be treated but knows he can treat other women that way, always had doubts about me, felt like he settled for me, didn't love me anymore, will never come back to me unless he's been with other women, yada yada yada<hr></blockquote><p>This is, perhaps, the finest recapitulation of the WS litany I've ever read- all the "Infidelity for Dummies" stuff is there. We've all heard it in part or in whole. Of course, you could have just written the "yada yada yada" part, and it would have meant as much. He's completely confused about his life and grasping for explanations that will place the blame for his disappointments somewhere other than on him. You are doing well to get on with your own life and not wait for his fog to lift. Good luck to you.