OK, Wife moved out on Sept 1st(There is NOT another man). Says she doesn't love me any more.(I've been an idiot) I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider and have come to consider that she may be interpretting this incessant nagging as a further extension of me trying to exert my will over hers. I seem to have driven the situation to a point beyond return but am still willing and learning.<p> I have extended every courtesy to her but every offer has been turned down. Am I wise to now simply back right off and let her go along her way? I am still madly in love with her and want her to know it. I don't want her to feel as if she HAS to go it alone. I'd go to couples counselling and work on it with her but she said if she went she'd tell the counsellor right off that she doesn't want to be there.<p> I'm getting on with my life and making some HUGE improvements. She can see these improvements but still refuses to even consider any kind of reconciliation. Do you suppose that if I just stop by, pick up the kids...limited conversation and treat their return in the same way that she may begin to actually miss the attention?<p> Are there any interesting things that others here have experienced that have had an impact on how they felt? The changes I have made in my own personal life have taken me from being totally depressed and self pitying to being excited about the challenges of life and actually happy with myself again. The only thing missing in my life is the love of someone with whom I have shared the last 13 years.<p> I'm willing to try just about anything. The kids are deeply affected by Mom shouting at me as well as hearing her say that she doesn't want me any more. What I want is my wife back to enjoy the fantastic new perspective that I have. I don't feel she should come back for a while but it would make a spectacular difference if she showed even the tiniest change in attitude.<p>I'd sure love to here some feedback.

imperfect,<p>I think you have the right idea. You have to back off a little and stop chasing her. I found that to be quite effective for me. Unfortunatley, things have taken a turn for the worse in my case - because there IS another man involved, but still I recommend that if she is "running away", you have to stop chasing. When you stop chasing, she will stop running. Maybe she will even turn around and chase you a little.<p>I recommend that you read "Love must be Tough", by Dobson. Since you are sure there is no other man (why are you so sure?), not everything will apply, but the concepts of "letting the bird out fo the cage" and getting respect will still apply and are very important. If she feels trapped, all your chasing will just drive her further away - meanwhile, she will not respect you at all. If you keep some distance, and assign some value to your love - that you expect to be treated with respect, it will make a positive difference, I believe.<p>About the kids. They are probably worried that if Mom can kick you out that she can kick them out too. Make sure that you tell them that you will always be their Dad, that Mom will always be their Mom no matter what. Maybe you both won't always be with them, but you will be available to them and will never kick them out or throw them away.

Remember, my life is messed up, my wife moved out and I'm not qualified to give any advice, so just keep that in mind.<p>-AD<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]</p>

"Since you are sure there is no other man (why are you so sure?)"<p>Naturally, I can't be 100% sure but our relationship has never been one characterized by lies. She says she's not looking for another relationship and has no interest in dating even. I have always known her to be honest with me and I see no reason in the current situation to change my opinion.<p> The problem grew out of my problems which center around my problems with substance abuse, primarily alcohol. My greatest fear is the unstable mental nature of her mother and sister. They are doubtless feeding her insecurities regarding the changes I have made. The only saving grace is that I have until next September to make some kind of positive result in order to prevent a divorce.<p> Worst case, I can certainly save what has always been a very solid friendship with my wife.

well if there is substance abuse, then the best thing you can do for yourself and maybe save your marriage is get some counseling and get to aa meetings, leave her alone and give her time to think. In the mean time work on developing a new way of thinking and living in your life so you can be drug free, as long as you are using, you will not be able to solve any other problems in your life.