I am really suffering. My spouse and I had been drifting away for a couple years. Though we realized it, we never vocalized it. I spent more time staying at home with the kids while he spent more time going out with "friends". Finally when he spent more time away from home than actually being there, I offered divorce. This was in a fit of immature anger, but also to protect myself from financial ruin (in Washington State we are responsible for each other's debts). At first, we discussed marital counseling, but when I made the appointments, he would not show up and was very wishy washy about it. Then I found out that one of his "friends" had turned into more than that, when I found explicit pictures ad letters. Though she has moved over 2000 miles, she is still in his life. Because we have two children, I really want to start over and make things work. Although sometimes he says it won't work out with her, he keeps calling her and I find letters written to her (ok I searched for them - bad, I know). He let me know that he is going again to visit her. I confronted him and said that I wanted to get back with him (or at least try) and did I stand a chance. He said that he wanted to be "friends" with me and that we didn't stand a chance together. She had filled the void that he and I had created. <P>I am so hurt. I wanted that chance. I was willing to work on it. But he wants to pursue a relationship with her. Should I just let him alone? I don't want myself to keep myself on hold for him when there is no hope. I think he was trying to let me down easy, but I'm having trouble letting go.

I didn't see a question there so I made some up.<P>I'll start with what seems the most obvious. If he was seeing another woman, that was due to (in my opinion a complete lack of) his own character. You didn't "make a hole in him" that she needed to fill. That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard (Carlton's postings excepted). I suppose you made Bill Gates rich while you were at it? Or maybe it's your fault he has a size 10 foot? It's his problem, he created it, and he has to work it out, so be careful not to take the blame yourself.<P>On to the hard stuff. My experience is that a "cheater" is incapable of doing any personal reflection and development while the new relationship is in its "romantic" stage. Hard to find the motivation when you feel so damn smug about yourself all the time. There isn't a lot you can do except let this relationship run it's natural course. Dr. Harley's techniques for doing this (Plan A - Plan B) stuff might work. I haven't heard a ton of success stories, but it's the only strategy I know. Well, there is my dad's plan also: "Change the locks."<P>The important thing to remember is that in a short time you will be free of your commitments to him, based on his own refusal to honor his to you. Once you reach that point, take some time to calm down and ask yourself a very important question: "Is this the sort of man I want to spend the rest of my life with?" You need to be able to do this without emotion. No anger, no hurt, no love, no desperation. Only the question, an honest appraisal of yourself, and an honest appraisal of him. If you answer yes, then you are in for the long haul. If you answer no, then send him a thank-you card. (Just kidding! But you'll wish you could.)<P>I've been where you are and I know it feels like ****. But I also know by now it gets better. These are probably the darkest of days for you.<BR>

Just under a year ago, my husband told me the only affection he felt for me was as the mother of our child. He felt hopeless. I felt hopeless. I found out 6 months ago that he was having an affair. Never thought I'd recover from that--never thought *we'd* recover as a couple. But we have. And there have been many other couples in the same situation as you who were able to recover their marriage. But usually just *one* of the spouses lays the groundwork, perseveres, stays positive, works on filling the other's emotional needs even if they're not getting their *own* filled. Read Harley's book Surviving an Affair. It helped me a lot. I know the affair isn't over yet, which poses a special set of problems. Read all the info on this site. Keep coming here for support. You may also want to try www.weiner-davis.com. I love both sites, and check in with both often. Good luck, and don't give up!

double-post--sorry<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited September 20, 1999).]

dont blame yourself. Just try your best and know that whatever transpires you have tried and tried your best. It is him just turning his guilt on you. Be strong and tough.