Well, since I will have to move on eventually, are there really men out there who will love a women with two children. I know I will wait to begin dating until I am emotionally ready, but I wonder if there will be anyone for me. <P>Encouragement?

Kate > I will catch a lot of hell for even posting this. From what I can gather, most folks would consider you as being "vulnerable" to "predators" like me. But rest assured, my intentions with this posting is to sincerely answer your question truthfully from a man's perspective.<P>So, are there any men out there who would be interested in a single parent, a woman, such as yourself ? <P>Yes, and no . . . <P>Hard not to get on my own stump, and do some chest-thumping, because I take a lot of flack for remaining committed to an evolving friendship with an as-yet-to-be separated and divorced woman. But what can I say . . . loyalty really is my forte, and we have a very close and trusting relationship that appears to have a firm enough foundation to assure us that no matter what happens in the future, we actually are and will remain good friends.<P>We actually like one another, as people. Her needs and my needs are sort of put on hold for now. We live hundreds of miles apart, yet stay in touch daily. As she is going through the seperation procedure, I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting . . . some day maybe for several years . . . for what her and her husband believe will be an eventual divorce. We are both realistic to know that anything is possible . . . at least I am, anyway. Reconcilliation is always possible, but for now, a mutual decision has been made between her and her husband that what is best for all concerned . . . to do a trial seperation. <P>There are children involved, and this is primarily why I came to this forum. <P>I am a single man, never married, with no children. Recently, a four year relationship with a single mother ended and it has left me extremely gunshy . . . contrary to popular opinion. I fell in love with her children, and still miss them terribly, as they have often called me and told me the same. <P>But hey, we are all adults, and as long as I let go of my history, in time . . . perhaps so will the wonderful person I am in love with now. As long as she asks me to wait for her to do what is appropriate on her end, I will wait for her. <P>And so it goes . . . not many of us good men left. She is everything I ever dreamed of, and I have met one of her children (sort of covertly, of course) and I am absolutely horrified of becoming too deeply involved in a relationship with a woman with children without remaining patient, and understanding, and hope that she will come to me because she wants to be with me, and not because she is willing to leave her husband FOR me. I believe her when she says that their marriage has been over for a long time, and that I am no catalyst. Frankly, I would not want it any other way. <P>My advice to you ? Be damned careful. Most of the guys I know would mess with your head just to get in your pants. A true friendship can only be found in patience. If a guy is not prepared to be supportive, yet not crowd you, then you may get lucky and find a guy out there like me . . . someone who knows what he is getting into from the get go, and not just singing a tune for a gal to dance. I mean, hell . . . when their are kids involved, shame on me if I were to be so selfish as to "prey" on "vulnerable" women with children.<P>Be careful, but yes . . . there are some good dudes out there. Just follow your feelings . . . and it by all means, keep the faith .

kate31:<P>Encouragement? Sure---you'll be fine at this. I suggest if you haven't already that you learn the MarriageBuilder "skills" for a good marriage---these are wonderful dating skills that you can use. The knowledge of the Four rules (care, protection, honesty, time) will also help you weed out some men. Dr. Harley states that he once tried to create a dating service---it was a disaster. So instead, he started teaching his clients these rules (in a "how to date scenario"). Once they learned them---they had no need of dating services. <P>It's got to be scary going back into the dating pool (I was petrified thinking that I was going to end up there at an age of 40---damn good incentive to work extra hard on the marriage ), but if you have confidence in yourself and have learned through the process of your first marriage, you'll really be fine.<P>The only other piece of advice I'll give is to try to avoid men that fall into "lovebuster" categories. Those who are proned to angry outbursts. Those who don't respect you. Those who are demanding. Those who are incredibly self-absorbed and pathological liars (we have an example right here...).<P>I'm sure that you've got a lot to offer, kate. Don't sweat it. Get involved in community projects or church, and start meeting people. Take your time, don't pressure yourself.

Men who have children from a previous relationship are a good bet. Men who don't want their own children might be a good bet too, but probably don't make very committed fathers. Sooner or later everyone ends up with somebody. I guess what we are all trying to do is figure out how to avoid making the same (or a worse) mistake twice. Sometimes the devil you knew seems rather manageable once a new devil is conjured up. Choose carefully and definitely don't go for the first guy that gets off the bus just because you are afraid he is the only one on it.

K > " good example right here " ? Zzzzzzzz<P>Get over it, folks. There actually ARE guys like me out there who are more than willing to wait for the will of God to work through the clutter we seem to through in one another's way on the journey to where we are supposed to be. <P>So I try to stay out of my own way, and make no demands except absolute honesty. Dealing with my own emotions, and as she has been so courageous in speaking truthfully about issues that would drive most men away from a committment in a relationship with a seperated woman, our love and friendship survives one more day. <P>Kate31 > Find a guy who is secure enough with himself, that can accept the things that evolve through the seperation and divorce process. They can be very trying, and not necessarily a walk in the park. <P>The real spirit of love is something I feel very worth waiting for . . . it is real, and nothing can make me abandon my friend when the water gets high. Keep the faith . . .

Carlton,<P>Get over yourself. I didn't mention you specifically, but I would tell Kate to stay away from someone who is so egocentric.<P>Look at your posts. Me, me, me, me, me, me...<P>Kate, as you've said, you need to be emotionally-ready to start dating again. If your situation proceeds to a divorce, I'd suggest that you wait at least a year before starting to date "seriously". I know that the timing is sometimes hard to deal with, but rebound relationships rarely work out. <P>And with that said, relationships based on affairs work out even less often. If you have the desire to recover your marriage, there are strategies that you can use (nonplused posted some to you over on your other thread). I'd suggest that you visit the infidelity section for additional help, and perhaps call Steve Harley for a counseling appointment (888-639-1639) if you find the MarriageBuilder principles a good fit for you.

Kate<P>Even though rebound relationships seldom work out, that doesn't mean they are always a bad thing. I would tread slow and make sure you are in it for the right reasons, keeping in mind that it takes a long time to figure out whether any relationship has got the wheels to go a long way. If you feel like you are in love forever right away, your not. But I am ahead of the conversation yet. I bet you aren't really thinking about dating yet.<P>Just live your life they way you know you should, and the right things will come along. Divorce feels like the end of the world, but you can build a new one.<P>One thing to consider, though, is whether or not you really want another man in your life right now. I went through a period where I found it pretty hard to trust women. I enjoyed my new found freedom enormously, and I found that my happiness wasn't based on having or not having a significant other. Happiness comes from within.<P>I found using the time I was single to look at myself, get some counseling, read some self help books, and not to mention do tons of skiing and soccer (very therapeutic) to be very helpful. You might find this a great time to look at things like that, without the emotional baggage of some screwed up guy hanging around all the time.<P>Oh ya, the other thing I did that I will never regret is that I rebuilt relationships with my parents, brother and sisters, and remaining grandmother that had suffered enormously during my time with passive-aggressive selfish woman. (I call her SuperX for short). Plus my relationships with many of my friends have improved as well. The flip side is my relationships with SuperX's friends have suffered, but I don't miss that wacky cheating lying bunch too much. <P>Of course, about as soon as I started to realize all of this someone did come along, and things have been going well. By all standards, it happened very quickly and looks a lot like a rebound relationship. Both my girlfriend and I are aware of that possibility, and have discussed it openly. I have refrained from making any promises I know I am not ready to make. But all that aside she understands the score and things seem to be going well. We enjoy our time together enormously.<P>