Truer words were never posted!<p>TR- They may have been somewhere, just
they are lost in many many posts..<p>Wiffle- I have found that most of my lying and not being truthful is within me! I can con myself over and over - you would think I would be on to me by now! What you say is so important about how we really do grow and mature. But, it is so painful and it is so hard and I think you are right, most people don't want to bother to do the work.<p>TR- And we all lie to ourselves..everyday..either
about work, about our marriages, about anything and everything..and when we really face the truth
within our own hearts..we find peace..the bible
says were to 'work through our own salvaton' and
I honestly believe this is what it means..To be radically honest with ourselves that we are sinners, and look at ourselves and allow God to really search our hearts..and then not blame someone else..for our actions..not even before
God..looking even at Adam and Eve, God asked Adam
where are you?? He said he was hiding..I see
he was ashamed of what he did..he was caught
he knew it..so he passed the blame elsewhere you hear ppl say they wear masks..I believe these are
the masks they refer to..they only want others to
see 'this' because if they seen 'that' they wouldn't like me..because I don't like me that I did that..so they won't like me either..so they hide it behind a mask of pretense..and lies, to themselves and others..<p>Wiffle-I have been forced to do the work. And while I don't recommend the program, I don't think I could have gotten farther down the path without the crisis I have dealt with over the past 18 months. Truly taking responsibility for one's own actions and not being a "victim" is a strong place to be. Strength comes from strength.<p>TR- I too, have been plumeted into doing the work..and I actually would recommend it..only, I'd
recommend it start before it gets to the point of
as yourself, lose you job,and me,before well, before I got married..had I continued to deal with
and work through them before I got involved with
my stbxh, I would never have married him..and that
I can say with all honesty..because of things that
happened before we were married, and since, that
I will not tolerate now..that I did then..which is
how I got to where I am..<p>Wiffle-Allowing others to take the blame for things that happen to us puts us in a weak position. Think about it. "If only he hadn't or she hadn't...." That gives up your control to outside forces. Certainly we can't control what other people do, but we can control how we choose to respond to it. What we choose to tolerate or wait for or hold out hope over. So when those choices become agonizing, we have to look at our part in the drama. <p>TR- I was always the one to accept the blame from
others..it was always my fault..nobody else was
ever responsible..I learned to take responsibility
for everything that was wrong as a child, my brothers and sister did something, they blamed me
and wanting to please everyone, I took it..I call
that my 'god' complex..paying the price of everyone elses sin..so they didn't have to..from my parents, my siblings, my friends..everyone.
my dad molested me, it was my fault, I had to have done something to make him do that..I had to have led him on some way..had I not been born, my
mom would have divorced my dad (per her) so it
was my fault she was in a miserable marraige, and again my fault I was abused..just because I was
born..my marriage has been the same way..had I not kept in touch w/ childhood friends over the years
my stbx would have found another job and been home..I gave up contact..he still didn't come home..Had I not gone to church, he would have quit
his job, and found another one..I quit going..he never did..if I wasn't on the computer all the time he'd quit drinking..I wasn't on the computer
he didn't quit-he drank more..I had an affair.give up this man and I'll come home..I gave up OM, he still didn't..I was always asked to give up
something..for a promise..it was always my fault, something I did, or didn't do, that made him not
want to be here..It took me a long time to finally
place their actions on them..I took responsibility
for my actions..just had to learn to make
others responsible for theirs..but, even that
has been a long journey..learning what I am and
am not responsible for..I'll gladly take responsibility for my actions..but damnit. you take responsibility for yours too!!! It's time
you start taking some of the responsibilty and quit blaming me for everything..I also had to learn to deal w/ the quilt of not taking the blame..and making them responsible..they are now
having to suffer their own consequences..and that
has been difficult for me, because I have always
hated to see others hurt..I'd rather me hurt than
them..(again, the god complex) One suffer for the many..but in truth..they also suffer..because they
aren't learning the lessons God is trying to teach them to make them who He wants them to be..and I was stuck in my and everyone elses blame and consequences that I couldn't become who God wanted me to become..but, I am learning..<p>
Wiffle-I also believe that some people are so deeply co-dependent they can't function without the drama that the other person helps create. Not looking inward and FIXING YOU only perpetuates this.<p>TR- I didn't try to 'fix' them..I just let them be..never allowing them to learn or suffer anything..but, Praise Be God, He and I together
are working on this..I just know I couldn't do it alone..
