My H has moved out. 4 days now. We have been married 12 1/2 yrs and it has not always been easy. He is not the most communicative man. However, I have always forgiven him for anything he has done wrong in our marriage and he has done some doozies( never been unfaithful, that i no of). He thinks I had an affair. I did not, yes, made a bad judgement call and kissed another person twice. I was lonely he moved us back to his home town and his father died in June & he seems to grown really distant from me. I tried talking to him but he just did not see a problem. Well, anyways, he said the trust is gone & he can no longer trust me. Still loves & cares for me but cant trust me again. And BOOM, just has shut his heart. He also said he knows he is making a mistake but it's his choice. I am waiting for the seperation papers to arrive any day now. But, I don't really feel like we are "through" Illusions of Granduer?? When should we talk again? We have no kids 3 dogs? He is living with his Mom now but she leaves in December for 3 months. This is my 1st time being on my own & i am scared. Is their still hope for a recocilation?? Or should I just give up? Thanks for reading this .. God Bless

leo8,<p>Do you want an honest opinion?<p>If my wife kissed another man (twice), I would say that she was having an affair too.<p>I think you need to acknowledge that what you did was very serious (obviously it was for him). Don't say "it was nothing". Don't call it a "bad judgment call". Call it what it was - an affair of the heart - which, though it may not have let to the bedroom, certainly was a serious breach of the marriage relationship. Know that this caused your H very serious pain.<p>You have come to the right place. Read the concepts on this site. I think you have a very good chance of restoring your marriage. But, you're going to have to be very consistent in avoiding the things that destroy love, and very consistent in doing the things that build love. You should never have any contact, by phone, email, or in person with the other man. That is the first step. If you work with the other guy, quit your job. I'm not kidding! If you want to save your marriage, this is what you husband needs in order to know that you are serious. Make sure that you have no secrets from him. Your life should be an open book to him. Answer all of his questions and tell him about anything that you think he might want to know about - even if it is painful to tell. To win his trust, you are going to have to be completely open and honest with him.<p>OK, I've said enough. I wish my W thought like you do. She had an affair too, but she doesn't want to save the marriage.<p>-AD

Yes, it was wrong & I admit that, but he also has a part to accept..He emotionally ignored me for awhile and I kept trying to talk to him about this and he did not want to see a problem. And he is a VERY stubborn man and I am afraid once he has made up his mind it is made up.. No changeing it.. I have NOT had ANY contact with the other guy.. Got rid of ANY existance I had of him. So, I am really not SURE HOW to make my hubby see that all I wanted was some attention and that YES, I went about it the wrong way and that I love him more then life. My friends are all like he has made up his mind move on.. But, I am not sure I can.. Or should for that matter.. But I can not make him change his mind. And I no, u will probably not agree, HOWEVER, I have forgiven him for many many things that he has done that have affected me the same and I can not understand how he can not work thru this with me and forgive instead of just slamming the door on our life. Also, i have told my hubby about what happened .. answered his questions, tld him i loved him & wanted to work thru this.<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: leo8 ]</p>

Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders.<p>I assume you came here to RESTORE YOUR MARRIAGE -- that's what this place is about!!!<p>I am sorry for the pain that you feel led you to this other man's (OM's) arms (and lips)... but... no matter what... NO MATTER WHAT... you need to accept responsibility for the relationship you had with this man. Your husband (H) has NO RESPONSIBILITY for your relationship with him. <p>I know you think you were justified. I have been there!! I had an affair with a man I met at work. I begged my (then)H to save me every step of the way... and he didn't/couldn't... and I ended up sleeping with the man one time. ONE TIME. That's all. I went to a marriage counselor who called my affair an "affair lite"... that's how little it meant to me... BUT IT MEANT DEATH TO THE MARRIAGE TO MY (then)H. <p>The first step to helping your H to heal from your betrayal (it is a betrayal, you must admit that) is to accept that this has hurt him deeply. Tell him you understand his pain, and accept responsibility for it. <p>Read everything you can here, and begin a Plan A effort with no LoveBusters (LB's) and begin to meet his Emotional Needs (EN's). If you need links, I will provide them for you to read.

Thanx NyNEVE.. I would like the links.. Although, I am not sure HOW to make the 1st move in talking with the H again. Should I wait.. Give him space... Just call.. WhAT??! I am afraid to keep hoping for Reconciliation .. I am afraid he WILL NOT HEAR what I have to say.. My friends just say move on.. I AM sorry for what I did, I have told him this he just says I am trivalizing it because I did not sleep with the guy. Well, I guess I am. I understand that NOW, but not sure how to go about & explain it to him! I FELL SO HELPLESS and like I am floundering and EVERY move I make is wrong. He wants me to date people & see what is "OUT" there. HE said he loves me & cares about me & does not wantto hurt me anymore,and wants me to find what He obviously is not giving me. I said they ONLY thing u have not given me is your time or attention. He thinks it was all a SEXUAL thing,, It WAS NOT.. It was more an emotional thing,.. And YES, I do realize this does not justify my actions. I made the choice to go he did not drive me. I guess @ the moment I am looking for reassurance that it COULD be possible to fix thngs.. My friends do not think so. My counselor thinks now is the time to work on me.. But thats hard to do when all I think about is him.

Here's a copy of our welcome letter, and it has everything you'd ever want to know about MB!! I will answer your questions below the letter...<p>Hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<p>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –>Tour of Marriage Builders and General Welcome. <p>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <p>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –>What Are Plan A and Plan B.<p>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the Emotional Needs of your spouse,and avoid Love Busters whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the POJA to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<p>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> Counsel Link<p>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<p>Now, to answer your questions: I think you should tell your H that you want your marriage and you are not giving up. Then SHOW HIM the changes you make... don't TELL HIM the changes... SHOW HIM!!<p>For example, look at the EN's questionnaire (sp?) and try to determine what HIS needs are (since he is probably not interested in filling out the Q right now (if he is, by the way, it's a great thing to do together and talk about afterwards)... and then begin to meet the needs he will allow you to meet.<p>DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS. I learned this the WAY hard way!!!!! Do what YOU think is RIGHT and GOOD right now!! (Sorry for all the !!!'s, you can tell I feel passionately, can't you? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p>You are here because you want to be married to YOUR HUSBAND. Let him know, and show him the changes... you may be amazed at what your marriage can become!<p>Best wishes!! (more of those !!'s)<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: Nyneve ]</p>

THANKS G'Friend!! I needed that boost!!! (see allm my !!'s:>}) I am going to read all the infor you gave me and hope it helps. It is kinda hard not to listen to ones friends .. but ... I am going to try.. Not sure how to go about talking to the H again.. I guess, I can set up an appointment with him for next week on one of his days off?? Gawd, WHAT is the protocol for all this junk??!! lol Right now he is living with hisMom and I am not sure what infor (if any) that she is feeding him. I realise he is VERY hurt and can not think of any way other then D.. He has even told me that this is the only solution he can think of then we can date again and start over.. But if we can't work out know why date again? HOw much space is good to give before u loose H for good? :>} Thanx for listening!! God Bless

You are VERY!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Welcome!<p>This road can be difficult to navigate (as you realize -- there is NO protocol for it -- except to do what feels RIGHT for your marriage)...<p>So happy to have helped!<p>Let us know how it goes... each step of the way, okay???

Listen to Sheryl she is a very wise lady, who wants others to learn from the pain in her life.<p>Read, read, read all the links you were given. Call Steve, make a plan. <p>Good luck.<p>Also you might do better over in GQ2.

What is GQ2????

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by leo8:
<strong>What is GQ2????</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Here ya go, click on the red underlined link:
General Ques II<p>GQII is the busiest part of the MB forum. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]