Hello everyone! I realize I haven't posted in a LONG while, but I was getting addicted to this site, and it was interfering with my job. I had to get a hold of myself to learn to cope with my situation. So much has happened to me in such a short time that I was headed down a cliff fast, and without brakes.<p>A brief (well, maybe not brief) history. Married 12, almost 13, years; 3 children (now 11, 9, and 8 mos. - all boys); D-Day was before I had my baby in March (don't know exact date);H moved out 3/29;H said he wanted a divorce 2 wks later;5/13 H said he would reconsider;1 week later H said he wanted a D;5/29 H said he would reconsider - noticed changes, esp. my weight;H was showing genuine interest until the end of July. One weekend he disappeared for the whole weekend without so much as a phone call. Curious thing was that it was the very weekend my now ex-best friend went out of town. I guess you can all see where this is going.<p>You see, H and ex-best friend have been accused for the last, oh, 8 or 9 months of having something going on. My ex-best friend is my husband's brother's ex-live-in girlfriend. It gets really messy. She also has two sons by one of her two previous marriages.<p>Well, after H got back from his weekend, his attitude completely changed again. He was stand-offish with me. The REALLY funny thing is that he didn't show up until my friend showed up, and he went directly to her house, and didn't even check on the kids. Oh, but I'm not supposed to think there's something wrong with that. He began acting very weird about us, and even had me convinced to move out of my rental house. I had been praying to God for his guidance with my marriage and with finances. We were really in a hole. Well, my H had knee surgery on 9/5. I went with him to the hospital, but he wanted my friend to take him and not me. He said I wouldn't quit pushing. I insisted on being there. After the surgery, I assumed he would stay at my house so the kids and I could care for him. Well, on the way home he informed me that he would be staying at my friend's house. I pretty much pitched a fit, needless to say. My friend claimed she knew nothing of it, and that she would not let him stay there, but she never made him leave.<p>The very next day, I went to see him in the early AM. He was sleeping in her bed, not with her of course. Still, I tried to trust her, and believe that they would not do that to me. My H told me that day he wanted a divorce. It got very ugly. I even slapped him - with his permission of course. I guess he felt like he deserved it. I've never hit anyone in the face like that before, but at that moment I hated him. I still don't feel very good about him. He moved his things out that weekend. It hurt, I cried, my kids cried. I felt like I lost everything. I wanted to die. Just curl up in a hole and die.<p>My friend acted supportive. She said everything would work out. She said she was there for me. She didn't understand why I didn't want him around her. I told her that we could not be friends if he was going to be there all the time. I black-mailed him into staying away. That worked for a week. The weekend he had my son (oldest wouldn't go, and I wouldn't let the baby go), she went to the movies with him, my son, and her two sons. My son said she didn't sit by him. But it didn't matter. At that point, I realized she was not my friend if she couldn't even respect my feelings. I told my H that I didn't need a friend like that. He ran to tell her.<p>My H filed for divorce based on irreconciliable differences, and I was served the day before I was supposed to go to Georgia for a religious retreat with my kids. He had it stipulated that I could not take them out of town. I called him and asked him what else he wanted to do to hurt me. I asked to please just warn me now so I could be prepared. I contacted a lawyer the next morning. I counter-filed based on adultery. My lawyer contacted his lawyer, and they agreed to let me go. We went to our first court date 10/12. My H got standard visitation for the two older boys, and standard infant visitation for the baby. He sees the older boys on Th from 6-8, and every other weekend. He sees the baby on Th from 6-8 and on Sundays from 2-6. My oldest son went with him once, but hasn't gone with him since. He says he hates him. <p>You see, now my H is living with my ex-best friend. He says he had nowhere else to go. H has five brothers that live here. They said he didn't even ask them. H says there is nothing going on with him and ex-bf, but her son told my middle son (they are the same age) that he walked in on them and they were on top of each other with their clothes on, but it looked like they were getting "freaky". He also told him that he saw them hold hands once. My H denied this to his sons. Middle son wants to believe him, but oldest son does not believe him. Neither do I anymore. H said that it was a fib.<p>I had a long conversation with H the other night re: what it would take to move the D along. I told him all he had to do was pay me the money he owes me for leaving me without giving me a dime for a month, and not paying his 1/2 of the bills. He owes me $3000 for a CC bill, and needs to start paying 1/2 of our furniture payment, and 1/2 of the IRS bill. He is considering it. I told him if we went to court for this, the judge would probably make him pay more than 1/2, since I am caring for the baby.<p>My H continues to lie to his sons. I tried so hard to trust my friend, but I now feel betrayed. I feel like there is something going on, and there probably has been all along.<p>My divorce is in the process, and we still have to go to co-parenting classes together. <p>Strangely enough, I have many better days now, and I can actually sleep at night. I couldn't sleep when I was in limbo, but now I can. I've accepted that my marriage is over, and unless God intervenes, I am moving on. I have asked God not to bring anyone in my life if he intends for us to ever be together again. I've also prayed about the temptation that I've had to be with his brother as a means of revenge. His brother would like to get revenge as well, but they probably wouldn't care, and frankly, I don't want to end up hating myself. I've asked God to help me resist temptations with other men because right now I am weak and lonely, and if just to have someone hold me for one night - I might do anything.<p>I hope everything is going well for each of you. Please pray for me.<p>Love,
TIG

TIG-<p>It sounds like you've been through a lot. I can relate to a lot of it from the denial, to the pregnancy (my H left when I was 3 months pregnant with #4, she's now 3 months old), the angry feelings of the older children (my 9 year old who was totally Daddy's girl is now very distant with him and so angry), to the money, etc. <p>It sounds though as if you are doing well. This is such a hard process, but there is a lot of growth in it as well and it sounds like you are doing just that. I too pray to God to not let me meet someone if he intends for us to get back together. As it stands now I can't imagine it happening, but when reading all the posts here you realize that it does happen often when the person least expects it. I also know what it feels like to want someone to be there for you. It seems so unfair that we are alone with our children while they are with someone else. <p>Just remember that you are doing the right thing, he is in a fog so try not to let him get to you. Take care of yourself and your children and if you ever need to talk let me know.<p>K

K,<p>Thanks so much for responding. This is all so new to me, and I guess to everyone here. None of us got married intending for it to ever be over. It's like my H died, only worse. He haunts me every day. <p>It's nice to hear from someone who understands.<p>If you'd like to communicate via email, my address is: spizana@prodigy.net.<p>God bless you and your baby!
TIG

Hi again-<p>I thought about you a lot last night. This is so hard. Having children makes it worse and then going through pregnancy and having newborn make it even harder. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I guess that makes us very strong!<p>As hard as this I can't imagine what you are going through having the OW be a former close friend. That must make it twice as hard. The OW in my case is someone I don't know. She is 11 years younger than my H, and still in college. <p>I have gone through it all the hurt, the sadness, the anger, etc. I admit that I haven't always handled myself the best, but in the past couple of months I have come along way and am really working on me. I am by no means any happier with what has happened, but I am happier with my life. It's like you say, you have to let go because only God knows.<p>I agree with what you say about it seeming like he's dead, but having to deal with him daily anyway. My H at times has hinted that he should move away to be with the OW at college. Although I know he has no intention of doing this, but uses it to hurt me, I am at the point where this would be nice. There was a time when I lived for the days he came to get the kids. Now I live for the days where I don't see or hear from him. <p>Keep in touch and hang in there!
K

K,<p>Oh my gosh! I know how you feel. I dread the days he has to come and pick up the kids, and I have to see him face to face, and get his condescending remarks and looks. He makes comments about me as a mother. Funny thing is that when we were together, he couldn't tell anyone enough what a wonderful mom I am. It's really kind of funny to hear HIM tell ME that I'm not being a good mother. He left me and his children, he drinks, he's living with his brother's ex-girlfriend, he curses, and his kids really don't have much respect for him. They fear his discipline, but don't have much respect.<p>Now, I don't drink, curse, I take my kids to church 3 times a week, I help them with schoolwork, I participate in school activities, and I have vowed not to be with anyone (dating or otherwise) until my divorce is final.<p>Oh, but I'm not being a good mother. Hah!<p>Then he gives me condenscending comments, like he wanted me to take my son to football practice one day. My son quit football twice, and the last time, I told him that if he decided to play again, his Dad was going to have to take him and pick him up, because I didn't think he should play. Well, his Dad couldn't pick him up one day. This was the third time that I was going to have to take him after telling him that I would not. This day I had something to do, so I couldn't take him. H called me and drilled me as to why I could not take son to practice. He said, "you are just sitting on your ***, anyway". How dare he! I am taking care of 3 BOYS by myself, one an 8 month old, and he accuses me of sitting on my ***. I pretty much reemed him out for that one.<p>Anyway, it's very hard with kids in the picture. I asked him why he got me pregnant if he had these feelings, because I told him I didn't want another baby unless he was 100% behind me. He said he did it as a last resort to save our marriage. The thing is, I didn't even know we were having problems! Now, here I am with another infant to care for. This child will not even get to know what it's like to have his family in tact. At least my other sons got to experience normalcy.<p>Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my baby for anything. He's what gets me through each day. He's the only thing that makes me truly happy each day!<p>Thanks for thinking of me. I'm thinking of you, too!<p>Love ya!
TIG

TIG-<p>I can relate to a lot you've said. One thing my H hasn't done (and trust me he's done a lot, see my earlier threads) is question my capability as a mother, probably because he counts on me to mother him as well.<p>I agree with your thoughts about the baby. I see mine as a miracle in all this chaos.<p>Remember that your H cuts you down to releive his guilt and therefore is throwing things at you that aren't true. Don't believe it. <p>Take care of yourself and your children.<p>K