Are there any folks on this forum that have a fairly good marriage but come here for information that can make it better?...I have gotten a lot from the literature on this sight and do implement alot of Harleys techniques into my marriage. Hills and Valleys are par for the course I guess.<BR>Anyway I have a question...but first quick background.<BR>I love my H, Things have gotten much better the last couple yrs weve been married (3)<BR>Our Sexlife is Mediocre at best. It was everyday before we got married..now it goes in spurts. Sometime a month between sex but mostly happens once about every two weeks or three weeks. When it does happen I dont feel close to my H. My sex drive is pretty high too. Does sex decline in frequency as we are married? What can i do to get into a better frame of mind. I think that My H is selfish in bed personally. I used to want to give him oral...but because me needs arent met I tend to hold back. Sex has become so routine. Any insight on this topic?<BR>ruby<p>[This message has been edited by ruby (edited September 22, 1999).]

rudy, what you discribe is one of the most common complaints heard. i don't mean to make light of the seriousness of your situation but you may find it helps to know so very many people say exactly the same thing.<BR>doesn't help much though, does it?<BR>i've come to realize that two people do not fall equally in love with each other. yet, together, there's enough love to make people pretty sure they're marrying the one or the one that will do for now. i think that follows through with the sexual aspect of marriage too. the ebb and flow of sexual desire isn't normally in sync.. wouldn't it be wonderful though if our sex drive and willingness to reciprecate be on balance with our spouses'? but it isn't. so one of us, or both to so degree, is left hanging, no pun intended.<BR>so what do you do. get some counsiling. there, i said it, before everyone else does.<BR>aside from that, you deal with and deal with it like so many others and learn to accept it. and then one day, long after you've forgotten about what you're missing, someone will come along and remind you of it and at the same time will offer to satisfy that need you forgot you had. it will raise it's head and scream, it's my turn now. that's when you have your affair. that's how it happens. but don't dispair. don't beat yourself up. simply accept it as a fact of life. i've been working this board for well over a year. i've seen people give their marriage the old college try and eventually surrender. save yourself a lot of heart ace. do what you can to make yourself happy in your marriage. if it's not enough, if your marriage just won't perform as you need then you'll have to find a frind.<BR>i think counsiling just helps you to learn to accept what you have and be happy with it. if that works for you fine. i'm just saying, don't go to the grave trying to make it do what it can't.<BR>good luck!!

frankie...oooh not what Id wanted to hear as far as the "thats how affairs start" statement. So do you think that if my H is satisfied with me putting on my knee pads 3 to 5 days a week that will keep him from straying? That I can do...but if unreciprocated...geez I hope the price of oil drops..lol.<BR>Hell, he gets it when he wants it which isnt as often as Id like it...so come on fellas give me some more insight On this topic. Is the frequency important or is it the quality...if quality is the most important for him then we're doomed. Im going into my mid thirtys and well, Im on the cusp of being a ravenus sex wench and would like to have an orgasm once a day. <P>Thanks again for the response Frankie<BR>ruby<BR>

Ruby:<P>"Does sex decline in frequency as we are married?"<P>I'm sorry, but the first thing that came to mind was: "Is the Pope Catholic?" But I know you weren't looking for flippant answers.<P>I don't know if this applies to your situation or not. Does your husband understand your frustration, and what you would like him to do? Despite the well-known fact that we guys can be pretty dense, sometimes you ladies expect us to be clairvoyant when it comes to what pleases you. <P>As far as your hubby's satisfaction is concerned.... oral 3-5 times a week? Criminy, he ought to be walking on sunshine!<P>BTW, I thought your idea of a gas-powered vibrator was cute. That's gotta be one powerful tool! rrr...Rrrr...RRRRR!

Doug,<BR>didnt say that he WAS getting the oral treatment 3 times a week, but I would be willing to...especially after your "criminy" exclamation...lmao.<BR>Yep, I have voiced concerns in the past that I felt that our sex life needed some help...it got a little better but were back in the same rut. I'll bring it up to him again...Ya know I'd read that a study was done and found that people with higher IQ's had lower libidos and less frequent sex....Guess Im retarded..lol..but it does seem to make sense as my H is highly intelligent. Thanks Doug.<BR>ruby

Frankie is right ... this complaint is one of the most common here ... and he is also right that its why so many affairs start ... needs not being met, etc. Not to say that it will happen to you. Or me. <BR>I'm in the same boat ... would be willing to do anything to please my husband ... except for the fact that he cares LESS about sex. I totally believe he could go years without it - except for when he REALLY thinks I am fed up with frustration and then he may "throw me a bone" - and give me 10 minutes of his time. Aren't I the lucky one? Been living with it for 8 years and haven't strayed the marriage - just focused on other things - my kids. Not a good story. He knows my feelings about it - reiterated it over and over to no avail. So what do you do? Suck it up or leave ... he ain't changin!

Ruby<BR>>>It was everyday before we got married..now it goes in spurts.<<<P>Another testimonial for waiting till your married to have sex.<P>>>My sex drive is pretty high too. Does sex decline in frequency as we are married? <<<P>Like anything that was once new and now isn't interest can certainly diminish. Your relationship with your spouse not just the sex runs the very real risk of becoming routine and mundane. A couple of years of neglect can render a relationship non-existent. <P>>>What can i do to get into a better frame of mind.<< <P>I know this won't be easy but focus on his needs and I'm not just talking about sexually either. Unless he is a complete dolt the natural result will be that he will want to be better to you. Focus on all that is good about him. If you don't know his needs (again not just sexually) talk about it. Ask him if there was one thing you could do to make him feel more loved what would it be. Then do it.<P>>>I think that My H is selfish in bed<<<BR>Because you have a history of sexual activity together before you were married I ask - is this something new? If not did you think it would get better all by its self? <P>>> because my needs arent met I tend to hold back.<<<P>I have found that after 20 years of marriage the times I was least happy was when my focus was on my desires and not on my spouses needs. The hardest years were when the kids were young so I empathize with you. Read about the love busters on this site and then start talking with your H about what he wants and needs. It may take some time but soon he should be asking you about your needs. Hang in there!! <p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited September 23, 1999).]

I too am very happy in my marriage but check this board out once in awhile. I have learned a lot about marriage from reading some of the articles here and I think some of the advice is what keeps my marriage strong.Ok, now I'll brag. My husband and I have a fantastic sex life. We've been together for over 3 years, married for a year and a half of it. I still have to pinch myself because in my first marriage sex was nothing to me and I just chalked it up to married life and my having a low sex drive. Not true! First off, you mentioned that you and your husband have a good marriage. Something extremely important in a good marriage is communication and it's very needed to have a great sex life. My husband and I can talk openly about anything regarding sex. If I want to try something I tell him and he has so far been open to any of my suggestions. He does the same thing with me. Sex is about so much. Keeping intimate is important and it keeps your furnace burning. We hold hands, kiss, hug and that in itself keeps you connected. We also sleep in the nude. When your tired and maybe not really feeling in the mood, it's hard to keep it that way when you snuggle up close to each other, hold each other, kiss each other. Well, the excitement just follows. It's also easier making love when you don't have to use the energy to remove your clothes! There are times when one of us may be just too tired to actually perform the "act", but that doesn't mean that you still can't please each other. Sometimes that's when I perform oral on him. This act is one he loves, (duh....don't all men?)and just watching him skirm and moan makes me excited knowing that I'm responsible for his pleasure. We also have the old oil and vibrator and I'm not embarrassed to use it in front of him (he loves that too), so we are in mutual agreement here. If one of us feels like we are giving more then the other there are ways of bringing it up. Just the other day I was feeling like he wasn't doing his share in the foreplay department so one night when we were sitting alone I asked him what he would like more of or thought could be improved on regarding our time alone. His answer was that he'd like more time alone with his wife. Then, he asked me what I thought and I said "well, that's tough when it's so good but I think I'd like more time in the touching department". Hint given, hint taken! hahaha....So, talk and be open to what ever your spouse has to say or wants. I'm not saying do something you don't like or don't want to do, but be open to listen and suggestions. Sleep naked, it is great. Oh ya, in the mornings we get up together and shower together. It's starts the morning out be close with each other and it makes you feel good all day. We send little e-mails back and forth and we flirt with each other. All of it adds to excitement. I just hope we can be like this forever. I think it's possible if you BOTH put forth the effort. BTW, I have a girlfriend in her mid 50's and she's been married to her husband for over 30 years. Her kids are out of the house and she said they are having a ball. She served dinner to him naked the other night. Night before that she snuggled up to him on the couch and said "Lets F*$@". She said there sex life has always been great-so it's possible. Good luck!

Hi,<P>I have been with my H for 7.5 years now. The sex now is better than ever, and just as frequent as it ever was. <P>I think my H could write books about love-making, and he says the same to me (not to brag). He has been able to give me orgasms just by KISSING, by moving his hands lightly over my body, and vice versa. I believe you have to really love your partner, and you both must be confident with who you are and your sexuality to have incredible sex. I believe you have to both want to give greater pleasure to your partner than you receive to experience great sex.<P>One of the reasons why my H is so good is because of a book he read when he was younger, "The Tao of Love and Sex," by Jolan Chang. It is very much male-oriented but it is an interesting read for women as well. I have given the book a thorough read and it really is a valuable sex guide for men. It teaches how to control and heighten orgasm, prolong love-making, and ways to further a woman's pleasure. <P>Be sexy - some people get turned on by nudity, others by the hint of flesh under seductive lingerie (and the fun of sliding it off). Find out what turns you on and share it with your partner, and ask what turns them on. Ask them to do things to you and ask them to tell you what they want you to do to them. Don't hesitate to ask for a "helping hand" if you need sexual satisfaction and your partner is tired or not quite in the mood for sexual intercourse - a person can get great happiness out of taking care of the sexual needs of their partner even if they don't want (or need) sex at the time...<P>have fun!

I can't speak as an authority here just as another victim of a now sexless marriage. Its amazing how many people seem to be having this problem.<BR>Personally, I think sex is a lot like anything we do as people. the more we do it the more routine but the better we become at it. A starving person could care less if he gets a Big Mac, a blowl of rice of a gourmet meal. It's the people who eat on a regular daily and healthy basis that experience great enjoyments of meals. If we make every meal a feast we'd get fat and never enjoy it, but if we don't eat regularly we'd never enjoy it.<BR>Sex is much the same. Quantity begets great quality. Saving it for long periods doesn't help because you build up distance and tension and resentment. But once in awhile that routine regular intimacy is WOW! a feast either planned or spontaneous.<BR>Oh and isn't amazing how if our spouse needed a certain food in their diet we'd serve it regardless of what we got, but if they need something in bed it's got all sorts of conditions.<BR>There's a reason sex is done naked and private, its so we don't bring anything to it! ;-) <BR>I don't know if that all helped or made sense. I just wish I could get a bowl of rice these days sigh.

Great advice from all of you. BonnieSept...now thats awesome what you have!<BR>We always sleep in the buff!! My H is such a prude...its funny actually but frustrating. I've called him at work on a few occasions to intice him and get him ready for what was to come that evening. He told me"Dont be so crude" So Ive stopped doing that. Ive also been told that I turn him off when Im aggressive...He wants to be in control. When I do get on top it isnt for more than a few minutes, then he gets back in Missionary. When we were going out/dating he was a very good lover. He always pleased me and I never went without orgasm. Maybe its complacency on his part. I'm sorry I didnt really want to go to deep into the details....but quite honestly, he sucks in bed..but I know he is capable of being awesome...what gives? Stress from work?<BR>Lazyness? It amazes me that he can put his crotch up in my face and say "suck it baby" He would die if I stuck mine up there and said "eat me big daddy" Hell I may just try that to see what happens...LMAO while I write this. The bottom line is that I want sex to be the way it was before marriage. I want him to want to initiate foreplay on me first. Oh and here is somthing we've tried to discuss...He says to me " you never give me head" This is not true...I dont ititiate it as frequently,like I USED to but I do when he asks. Muddy I will take that advice on focusing on him....I think your right that it will come back to me ten fold.<BR>Cindy, lets do an experiment. Lets see if we can intice our men to have sex for a whole month...everynight. What cha say! I think we need to practice!!!<BR>thanks again for everyones response<BR>ruby

OK - here goes. I have been married for nearly 28 years. And yes, there were times when sex was the LAST thing I wanted, particularly when I had little kids and no time for myself. ALAS - all that has changed. I was invovled in an emotional affiar two years ago that lasted for 8 months. I got down to a size 6, I workout everday now, and am completely selfish and self-absorbed when it comes to taking care of ME. You cannot believe how much that has changed me in the bedroom. I'm not proud of the affair, but it sure made my sex life perk up with my husband. Since that time we have become HOT HOT HOT and now our sex life is more erotic and better than ever. I see no signs of this stopping either. I simply treat him as my lover now - whether in the bedroom or in a restaurant. Hope this encourages some of you younger ones.

Just a quick Note. In reply to Mudder's Comment about how this was a testimony to waiting for Marriage for sex. I do not mean to be disrespectful to you, but I do not agree that waiting for marriage for sex will solve this problem. My situation is a case in point. <P> In my high school and college years, I had many young women make it very clear that they would be very willing if I was interested. However, I decided to wait for marriage because I wanted to honor my commitment to God. Before marriage, my wife indicated that she also could not wait until after the wedding. On our wedding night, I found out that my wife had very little interest in sex and really did not care what I wanted or needed. <P> We have been married almost 12 years now and never are intimate more than twice a month. I still intend to honor my marital commitment, however, this situation is a constant battle. I am forced to avoid contact with women as much as possible because I know that with my dissatisfaction in this area, I am extremely vulnerable. <P> The point of this post is that waiting until after marriage for sex is no guarantee for a successful sex life after marriage. You must also both be commited to meeting the needs of your spouse.<P>May the Lord Bless you and Keep you. <P>

This is an old thread, but a very interesting one. Got to say that i have found points in my relationship that I wasn't all that interested and simply performed for her. Visa-versa (it shows). This lack of interested was partly from the fact that I felt that it was to easy, there was no challenge or interest in bringing my wife to pleasure. Touch this, swirl that part this many times, eight more strokes and voila...<BR>When she forgave me for my EMR and we began to work at being together again, I came to the sobering conclusion that I REALLY love my wife, the way she reacts to me and that she can do for me the things I forgot that I needed.<BR>If rudy is still out there and gets this, hope things are a little more warm in the bedroom for you. If not, think back and writwe down all the things that you two did before the marriage. Start dressing less sugestive for awhile, then stun him one night with a "power trip" night for him. Tie him to the bed, then turn the tables. Respect his boundaries, but play a passive aggressive role. Strong men don't hold much respect for easy women. Make him earn it. And make him want it.<P>Good luck...<P>------------------<BR>"Remeber that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

here is a book you might want to try<BR>52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex: Opening the Mail Will Never Be the Same<BR>Laura Corn you can check it out at <A HREF="http://www.bn.com" TARGET=_blank>www.bn.com</A> <BR>it is a great book I cant wait to try it on H someday <BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited January 22, 2000).]

As I was reading your entries I had one thought. It has been my experience (as limited as it may be) that when sex declines there is an underlying problem that causes it to happen. Poor communication? Unresolved conflicts? Emotions not expressed through the years? Things that could have meant very little to you but may be very important to your husband. Here's something that I try to do when I need to express my feelings to my husband and can't seem to bring it up to him face to face. I write him a letter. I begin with all the anger and hurt that I feel and I hold nothing back. I really let him have it. Then I tell him why what ever he may have done hurt me. I lay it all out. The fear, the sadness everything. Then I tell him why I love him. I remind him of some good times we've had. I express my feelings for him as completely and honestly as I can. Finally, I tell him of my hopes and dreams for the future. I go through the complete emotion chain. It's very exhausting at first. The first letter I wrote was about 7 pages and was pretty difficult to write. But the more I did it the easier it became. Then comes the part where you need to decide to give it to him or not. Sometimes I will do this just to get things off my chest and it really makes me feel better. Other times, I have given him the letters, asked him to read them and try to discuss it with me later. At first he was very reluctant to discuss them with me. But I kept writing and believe it or not, after about the fifth letter I wrote to him he bagan discussing it with me a little at a time. He said he didn't realize some of these things were so important to me (although I had told him time and time again they were) Anyway, it's just an idea to open up a little communication between you. It may work for you and it may not. Maybe even he could do the same back. When ever I have found myself not enjoying or wanting sex, I look way down and usually will find a reason as to why I'm turning away from him. I write a letter or just try to talk to my husband about whatever it may be and if he is responsive to my feelings (which he's learned to be or he gets another letter LOL) then we usually can get back to that "love feeling" that makes sex so enjoyable. Another thing, I find it just as nice to be held or cuddled then to actually have sex. As I said, I don't claim to be an expert, but these are little tricks that I like to try.<BR>Good luck

Excellent idea ShellyKG! I like the letter writing myself if fo rno other reason it allows me the chance to both blindly vent and edit out the foolishness that is excess bagage. I wonder if rudy could write a letter to her H and rather than be sexually explicit, try her hand at romance and suggestion? By some of the things she said in her origional post, I don't think her H responds well to sexually aggressive talk from women.<BR>I personally am trying the write it out and decide whether or not to send the letter approach.<P>------------------<BR>"Remeber that every now and then you need to stop and eat the roses."<BR>-Bill The Cat

I'm glad that you could use my suggestion Babybear. The whole idea is to express your feelings with nothing holding you back. Ruby, I still go back to something that your husband is holding inside that is stoppping him from responding. Everytime we are hurt or disappointed with our partner a little brick is put around our heart to keep it from getting hurt again. Over the years, if something isn't done to take those bricks down, our heart becomes completely surrounded by our protective walls. I believe that through time and patience and communication, even a little bit at a time, you can find each other again. Just a suggestion: put aside the sex for a while (we all know that we can find other ways of relieving thoses tensions:}) and focus on expressing your feelings in some other unique ways.<BR>I wish you lots of luck!

Hi there, normally i am in one of the other discussion groups but i like to browse.<P>I think that different people have different drives. I myself are more active one week in a month than the others. <P>Also when you start to think there is trouble in a relationship you usually try to get more of the sex.<P>I noticed my drive went through the roof around the time i found out about her affair.<P>In times trouble....<P>Make it work<P>J

ruby, I can certainly relate to what you would call a high sex drive. My situation is very similar except for the fact that I'm a hubby dealing with a wife who has an almost non existent sex-drive. Ususally when I read about these situations it always seems to be the ladies dealing with a husband who has the low libido. I have never been able to relate to a guy with a low sex drive. I read about these ladies who wish they had it everyday and who go out of their way to please their man, yet get very little in return. Where were they when I was single? <BR>I've tried just about everything to get my wife to respond... But, it is always the same old thing. When we were dating I couldn't keep her off of me, not that I tried mind you. It is so puzzling to me....<BR>I've gone the romantic route...candlelight dinners, candlelit rooms, relaxing back massages, jacuzzi tub with champagne, sex toys, videos, etc, etc. You name it and I've all but tried it. I've tried utilizing my creative mind to spark interest and spontoneity, but to no avail. Heck, sometimes she even falls asleep before I can get the mood set. It is very frustrating and depressing when you make every attempt to turn things around for the better and you get no cooperation. I can't even get her to make-out with me. The funny thing about it is...in all her prior relationships (the ones that she has mentioned) she had never experienced an orgasm and complained of having selfish companions. <BR>I helped her to experience an orgasm for the first time and have continued to please her ever since. I have never been selfish in bed. Heck! I feel guilty even asking for oral stimulation unless I've satisfied her first. What gives!!