I never thought in a million years that I would ever post anything to a site such as this. I don't know where to begin other than my life is a mess and I don't know what I've done to cause this. <p>I wish it were cut and dried, but it doesn't seem to be. My wife and I have had a difficult 14 years of marriage. We have been in and out of counseling several times and we start to make progress, but then it falls apart. My wife says that early on in our marriage I squashed her dreams and was too controlling. I wanted to save for house early on in the marriage and she didn't. She wanted to just have fun.<p>I admit that I've made mistakes with my temper and not trusting her enough. But, I have worked very hard and even she admits that those things are not an issue anymore.<p>I have tried so hard to make her happy. A day doesn't go by that I don't tell her I love her and think she is the best girl in the world. She has anything a women could want, 2 beautiful girls, a beautiful home, nice car, tennis 3 days a week, shopping with her girl friends, and on and on. She is fortunate to not have to work.<p>At 12 years into our marriage we had a brief separation. She had an emotional affair with an old friend who she met in her late teens. She claims this was not an affair and that "john" was not the issue. She claims it was controlling personality that smothered her. It devastated me because she asked me to move out and I did. She filed for divorce, but after several months invited me back home to try again. She said she missed me so much and wanted to work things out.<p>I said we could get back together on the condition that there never be any contact with "john" and that she curb her spending. She agreed. So, I changed jobs to another city and we moved the family to start a new life. Things were great for about two years.<p>Now, she tells me again that she's having trouble forgiving me for the past and thinks that divorce is the only answer to this. She has agreed to go to counseling by herself, but I'm not sure what her motives are on that.<p>My heart is broken all over again. She seems to have no remorse and no feeling whatsoever. She says she is past feeling and is trying to make this easy on everyone. She wants me to promise her that I won't make her life a living hell through this. What about the children, I ask? She says they'll be fine. I don't know what to think.<p>She has not really curbed her spending, but I've always been fortunate financially. I really don't know if she's had any contact with "john". 3 years ago he would send her letters, call, and even visited several times claiming he was in town for a job interview. But, after we moved that hasn't happened to my knowledge. Maybe, I need to do some more digging just to be sure. But, I also want to trust and I want to believe that's not the case.<p>What emotional need for her am I not meeting here? There is something missing in her life and I can't seem to understand or provide it. She says it was just a mistake to get married, plain and simple. I ask her what she's lacking and she can't seem to define it, other than to say that I messed up her life and she will be happier apart from me.<p>I just can't accept that. A marriage is not someting you just walk away from. She says she's tried and tried and although we will always be friends, she doesn't love me anymore.<p>I think she needs some tough medicine, but I feel so weak right now. I feel like doing anything like asking her to get out would just make matters worse. And I don't want the kids to leave.<p>I am slightly encouraged about her going to counseling, but I am not optimistic. Any advice would be appreciated. I pray to God night and day for a miracle. Somehow I wish God could change her life. Please, before it's too late and she loses everything.<p>Sad beyond words

Somtimes in situations like these what you need is "tough love" May I recommend the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. I am not sure it works in all situation and may not be what fits all personalities. But if she says that you smothered her and were controlling it might work for you and her. She needs to see you pulling away and letting go. It sometimes pulls them closer. <p>Is there any chance of you two going to counceling together? It would let you know what her motives are.

I was very disappointed to read your post. I, too, am having a divorce shoved down my throat. My circumstances are, for the most part, different. I have not been married anywhere close to the time you have and we have no children. But...I know how it feels to be told that I am loved, but "not in that way that's important." I also heard from her that she tried and tried but it didn't work. I can't honestly remember seeing her try. Even when we went to counseling, it seemed as if she acted the same. <p>I do not know what adivce to give you other than to continue praying. God certainly did nothing to help me save my marriage but maybe He will help you save yours. Try to go to counseling together and just talking...away from your children. See if she would go away with you for a weekend, even if it's only across town. If you can keep the lines of communication open, that is a huge step. <p>I will be looking for posts from you in the future. You have a long, difficult road ahead of you and I wish you all the strength, faith, and courage you need.

Jeff, sounds like your wife is involved with someone, maybe not john - could be though. You and I are suffering from the same situation. My wife had a John three years ago. Its over but someone else took his slot. Her attitude towards the children is the same as yours. Her desition to D came very quickly so I knew. You need to do your home work. I think she is on to the next affair. Be strong and get as close as you can to your children. Work on yourself.

I do not know how to use this site, however I am trying, I feel very bad for you. I am sorry. Coming from an ex wife that did whatever imaginable to keep her husband and family I am just sorry this is happening to you. I do agree that it is another person either in the wings or something..I know that hurts. misslisa@visp.net<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jeff38:
<strong>I never thought in a million years that I would ever post anything to a site such as this. I don't know where to begin other than my life is a mess and I don't know what I've done to cause this. <p>I wish it were cut and dried, but it doesn't seem to be. My wife and I have had a difficult 14 years of marriage. We have been in and out of counseling several times and we start to make progress, but then it falls apart. My wife says that early on in our marriage I squashed her dreams and was too controlling. I wanted to save for house early on in the marriage and she didn't. She wanted to just have fun.<p>I admit that I've made mistakes with my temper and not trusting her enough. But, I have worked very hard and even she admits that those things are not an issue anymore.<p>I have tried so hard to make her happy. A day doesn't go by that I don't tell her I love her and think she is the best girl in the world. She has anything a women could want, 2 beautiful girls, a beautiful home, nice car, tennis 3 days a week, shopping with her girl friends, and on and on. She is fortunate to not have to work.<p>At 12 years into our marriage we had a brief separation. She had an emotional affair with an old friend who she met in her late teens. She claims this was not an affair and that "john" was not the issue. She claims it was controlling personality that smothered her. It devastated me because she asked me to move out and I did. She filed for divorce, but after several months invited me back home to try again. She said she missed me so much and wanted to work things out.<p>I said we could get back together on the condition that there never be any contact with "john" and that she curb her spending. She agreed. So, I changed jobs to another city and we moved the family to start a new life. Things were great for about two years.<p>Now, she tells me again that she's having trouble forgiving me for the past and thinks that divorce is the only answer to this. She has agreed to go to counseling by herself, but I'm not sure what her motives are on that.<p>My heart is broken all over again. She seems to have no remorse and no feeling whatsoever. She says she is past feeling and is trying to make this easy on everyone. She wants me to promise her that I won't make her life a living hell through this. What about the children, I ask? She says they'll be fine. I don't know what to think.<p>She has not really curbed her spending, but I've always been fortunate financially. I really don't know if she's had any contact with "john". 3 years ago he would send her letters, call, and even visited several times claiming he was in town for a job interview. But, after we moved that hasn't happened to my knowledge. Maybe, I need to do some more digging just to be sure. But, I also want to trust and I want to believe that's not the case.<p>What emotional need for her am I not meeting here? There is something missing in her life and I can't seem to understand or provide it. She says it was just a mistake to get married, plain and simple. I ask her what she's lacking and she can't seem to define it, other than to say that I messed up her life and she will be happier apart from me.<p>I just can't accept that. A marriage is not someting you just walk away from. She says she's tried and tried and although we will always be friends, she doesn't love me anymore.<p>I think she needs some tough medicine, but I feel so weak right now. I feel like doing anything like asking her to get out would just make matters worse. And I don't want the kids to leave.<p>I am slightly encouraged about her going to counseling, but I am not optimistic. Any advice would be appreciated. I pray to God night and day for a miracle. Somehow I wish God could change her life. Please, before it's too late and she loses everything.<p>Sad beyond words</strong><hr></blockquote>