For all my good friends here on the forum, I just wanted to let you know that it looks like H and I will be separating. <p>For those who may not know, my H is verbally abusive, but he doesn't really believe it. He's going to anger classes, and he's going to personal counseling, and those are HUGE steps. I am SO proud of him for having the courage to go! But meanwhile, about every three days, there's a big fight at our house, and he just rips into me. Using his own words, he "beats me to a pulp with is words" and that's a fairly accurate description. So finally, a couple of days ago, I told him that I did not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully--that I wanted 100% safety in my own home. <p>Soooo...last night out marriage counselor was supposed to come over so we could talk about a plan to guarantee my safety--but she got the flu and didn't come--DRATS! So, since I did not want to wait another week to negotiate whether or not I could be safe in my own home, and since my H knew what the topic was going to be, I tried to talk to him anyway. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It didn't go very well. He says I hurt him a lot too, and I'm sure I do, but since he won't tell me his EN's and LB's I'm giving an educated guess at best! I'm doing the best I can do without any info! I think Admiration is #1 EN for him, and so I've sent him awards and ecards; and I think Disrespectful Judgments is probably #1 LB, so I treat him respectfully--but it is HARD, HARD, HARD to respect a man who's raging at me!<p>Anyway, I had kind of hoped that we could work this out. I had hoped he would agree that I do not deserve to bear the brunt of his rage and that my safety was a #1 priority, and then we would brainstorm some ideas on how to maintain a safe home. Since he has sort of a blow-up every third day, some of my ideas were to plan ahead and be apart on those days...or on those days let him watch Star Trek videos and agree to not have ANY talks on those days (the videos soothe his mood)...or to have him be accountable to his counselor on "the third day" and he's got to call in and talk to the counselor about what is frustrating him...or to have an agreement with the counselor that when my H starts to "go off" he can call the counselor (because he's a lot more armed to handle that kind of anger than I am). I thought that if he had even a willing heart and we couldn't work it out, we could just list some ideas and he could ask his counselor for advice. <p>Nope. He doesn't trust me. He said that whatever we agreed to now, I would just change my mind or add something on or say "well, I MEANT this" and he would never, ever get it right. Once, I told him that if he could just get his anger under control, that is such a BIG LB that I felt like just doing that would make filling my love bank easy. Well...he said he's gone to anger management classes and he goes to counseling--but I still don't think his anger is under control, so I broke my promise!<p>God! I can't do anything right. Around midnight, he finally just said he gave up, because the only way he could guarantee my safety was to be away from me--to separate. He can't take the pressure of being with the kids and I, and if he slips up once, I'm leaving him. Well, I tried and tried to tell him that I knew he would have occasional mistakes--we all do!--but that I needed him to be a partner with me in recognizing that he can not continue to treat me this way. But he just doesn't hear me!! <p>I feel so hurt and numb and sad and crappy. It's just like before--I keep thinking, "He's supposed to love me! He's supposed to fight for me!" I wished he would come upstairs and say, "I was feeling hopeless and afraid, but then I realized that I am being a fool. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm letting you get away. I want you and I'll do anything to keep you in my life, and if I have to admit that I have been harming you, and if I have to never hurt you again, then I'll do whatever I have to do to keep you safe. I love you. Please give me the chance to show you." <p>But he won't. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't need a lot of advice--right now I just need about 100 friends who know what a neat person I am to tell me so. Okay?? <p>Okay--I'll check in now and then just so you know I'm alive, but I feel pretty low. <p>CJ

(((((CJ)))))<p>Boy, do I remember those days of hoping that my ex would come to me and say he was only afraid of losing me, or that he would fight for me... all those shoulds and wishes and hopes that never happened.<p>Seeing the reality is like a death, really. I remember.<p>I hope he sees the light before it comes to divorce, because you have EVERY RIGHT to EXPECT safety!! But also, I know that you love him, truly love him completely, even though he hurts you, so I hope he comes to his senses...<p>Much love to you, CJ...<p>HUGS, Sheryl

(((((((((Faithfulwife))))))))))))))<p>You are a wonderful person and deserve to feel safe. <p>It is time to start letting go and realizing that you have no control....we are all imperfect and life is imperfect and we have no control over what others chose. It is the painful reality of life.<p>Still sucks though.<p>Take Care.

{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}<p>I was so worried about you. Thanks for emailing. I just emailed you back. I am so sorry it has come to a separation. Hopeless in AZ is right. You do deserve to feel safe.<p>HI NYNEVE. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care and talk to ya soon!<p>ANNA

well here is payback for all of your hugs neighbor.<p>((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))<p>CJ, I don't have much advice for you. Sorry I wish I did. But you are an amazing woman. I can not stress this enough. You have helped so many people including me. You took me from feeling like I don't even want to exist, to say it best, to having the strength to move on. And now I am. You words have been so kind, so wise, and so strong. You took someone at the absolutely lowest time in their life and gave them hope. That is about the most incredible act a person can do. If nothing else.... Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know because of you, a neighbor can laugh again, live life again, and love again. Take care of yourself and your wonderful heart.<p>You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Brandon

((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))<p>I&#8217;m so sorry to hear that. Since you feel pretty low, I will try my best to pull you up. When I pushed the computer screen with my hands, it didn&#8217;t work, but when I used to mouse, it moved up, but when I posted to you it move up to the top of the forum [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>How do you feel now? Pretty high huh! <p>I&#8217;m sorry CJ. I shouldn&#8217;t be making a joke about how you feel but I just want to let you know that I have followed your story from time to time. I hope you feel better today. I think I know how you feel because nothing has changed for my own situation either.<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

You have to be one of the kindest, wisest, most caring and compassionate people I have meton these boards. <p>You deserve more - so much more - than you have been getting from your husband.<p>If anyone has tried harder, I don't know who it is. I hope that you will find the peace and safety you deserve. And at night, rest assured that you are held lovingly in the hearts of your friends and your God.

((((((((((((((FW))))))))))))))))<p>You have been a tremendous help to me in my days of need I believe you have given you r marriage 120%. I also believe that you need to be treated better. After sometime I feel you will have peace with this seperation. Think about it-every third day there is no fight, just you and the kids living a healthy normal life....It hurts...and my prayers are with you...just enjoy the silence, think and pray...We are here for you!!!

just hugs & prayers.<p>maybe this is what you need, sometimes you come to a point where you have done all you can, now someone else has to do it.

Just a hug and letting you know you are in my thoughts and prayers {{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Bill

(((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))<p>You know that this is a problem with him, not a problem with you...right?

Hi CJ!!!!
Just wanted to send you a big hug!!
-Petrie

I'm afraid I know firsthand that verbal abuse can hurt a lot more and for much longer than physical abuse.<p>((((((CJ))))))<p>Hang in there. You deserve to be respected and feel safe.

Hi CJ! I feel so close to you simply because I feel like we are similar in that I too have given 110% to try to make my marriage work. My H has a major problem that has totally destroyed our marriage, yet after 6 months of counselling, 9 self-help books, hours talking to friends, time spent reading MB, and much agonizing thought, I continue to look for a new way to fix our marriage. I am desparate to make it work. Everyone around me is telling me to just accept the fact that I deserve so much better and move on . . . but it's too hard and too painful. I keep looking for answers everywhere I go, thinking something will finally make the difference. <p>And then . . . I was told the other day by a counselor that one spouse can only do so much to make a marriage work. If the other spouse isn't making the necessary efforts to repair a broken marriage, you can't do it alone. That's when you need to recognize you have done all that you can to save your marriage and now it's ok to rest for a while and let God do his work on you and your husband's life. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to control our lives that we exhaust ourselves trying to do God's work. I finally decided to turn my marriage over to God and believe it or not it is finally starting to get easier for me, as I know it will for you too. In the mean time I hope you will find comfort in knowing there are so many people who care very much about you. God bless you during this very hard time.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))))))<p>Just a "Monday Hug" for the best Lady-In-Waiting in the world!

{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}<p>Big hugs to you! You need to be safe; every day of every week of every month of every year. You've done everything you possibly could to work on your marriage and you are not responsible for your H's actions. Sometimes one has to let go to see the whole picture and it's an awesome, if somewhat frightening, view at times.<p>Be safe, take each day at a time and relish the peace of not having to walk on eggshells and the constant waiting of when the "next round" is coming. Sending hugs and good thoughts!<p>Lori