It has been quite awhile since I have posted. Since my divorce was final 4/30/01, I have accepted a promotion at work and have totally immersed myself in work and making a good life for myself.
My XH started to call me almost as the divorce was final (everything about the divorce was his idea) For those who don't know, he was extremely cruel and left me for another woman.
I started to date but for some reason never lost the connection I had to XH, therefore never really gave myself to anyone else. I even continued to pray for reconciliation.
I did meet someone (from work actually). He and I struck up a really neat friendship. He said from the start that he didn't want to "play me" and he could tell that I am not the type to just sleep around. Anyhow, me are great friends. <p>My XH had started to call me around the time Steve and I started to get to know each other. Anyhow, I had prayed for reconciliation for so long, that when it was actually starting to happen I felt that I had better give it my all. So I pulled back from Steve (still talking to him as friends).<p>This is my problem. I believe that my XH is repentant and desires forgiveness and he is truly sorry for what he did. I think I have some resentment buried down deep. He is pushing me soooooo hard to come back home and to get re-married. I love him, I deeply care about him. For some reason, I just don't think that I am ready to move back yet.<p>I do forgive him. I do have moments of anger when images enter my mind and I do still get upset. I don't blow up at him or anything just kind of silent moments to myself, when I really can't believe what he did.<p>I have in essence been lying to my XH, because I don't think he knows the extent of my relationship with Steve (friends). I am not ready to let go of that friendship. I am actually thinking about going away with Steve (separate rooms) as we both need to get away.<p>I think that part of me wants to "live a little" before settling down again. <p>My XH and I went to a counselor (Christian) who told us that we should have no contact with each other for a long while and wait on the Lord. We didn't listen.<p>I know that this is such a long post. I just don't understand my ambivilence to the whole re-commitment when that is what I prayed for for so long.
Please help!<p>Thanks
Petrie

(((((Petrie)))))<p>No real advice just Hugs, Thoughts, & prayers. I will offer one small bit had I been in your shoes 2 months ago I would of snatched my wife back up even with my wanting to maybe live a little.<p>Well over the past couple of months I've lived a little (no dating or anything) and it pretty much perminately closed my reconsiliation door.<p>Best of luck to you and have a great weekend.

Rejected,<p>I have often wondered how you were doing. Last time we heard from you I thought you were headed for an attempt at reconciliation with your XH. I remember that the day after the divorce he was back at your door.<p>It is such a difficult situation. Like Bill, I have begun to live again and will admit that I've dated some. It has certainly closed the door on reconciliation for me as well. My heart is dead towards my STBX now, I look at him and feel nothing, no love, no hate, no anger, I just see him as a person that I have to deal with in my life.<p>You have a very personal and difficult descion to make here. The known vs the unknown. Can you live with never knowing what might have been in either case? <p>You mentioned that your XH was cruel to you...I can't remember the details there. But you also mention he is repentant. Is the A the only thing he regrets is there a chance that his being cruel is in his nature and can you live with that? Should you be expected to live with that?<p>It is good to see you back....wish it was not with such a difficult situation.<p>Take Care.

Petrie,<p>It is so good to hear from you again. I haven't
been here much either since I lost the house. Hope to get my computer out of storage now that God has blessed me with another home. <p>Praise God, your husband's heart has changed. Petrie I remember your post. I have cried with you as I read the heartache you where going through. Don't let Satan rob you of your miracle.
You know the restore ministry warns that you may be tested toward the end. I am sure Steve is a good man, but are you being faithful to want God lead you to believe for your marriage. God has answered your prayers, Petrie. Will you stand with God or seek your own? Petrie I am talking out of concern for you. All good things come from God. You must trust God not man. Please seek Him in this, He will not let you down. God is faithful.<p>With much praise and love,<p>gentle

Thank you for your responses! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know, I can tell that this is a test of faith for me. I have prayed for this for so long. I know that he is a very good man. The only cruelty he showed in the marriage was the way he always put his needs first. I helped him conquer debt, alcoholism, helped him start a career and did so because that is what you do. I just wanted to be loved back and I wanted a family. My needs and desires were controlled by him. And he denied me a child (or two for that matter).<p>I give him my love and support for 13yrs. and he ended up leaving me. That is where my "issue" comes in. I think I am resentful, that he can do this to me and there I am waiting for him with open arms. Albeit no body is forcing me to do this, as I do love him. <p>As childish as this may sound, I want to have a little fun (I don't mean sleeping around). But as soon as I started to have a little fun, and get back some sanity he comes back to me a completely broken man. He accused me this weekend of not being there for him. Mind you I have offered him love and support and money! I actually have offered him money when he is supposed to pay me a fairly large settlement.
I have received NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT from him. I understand his situation and even when he was cruel I never pressured him about giving me the money, because I knew he would eventually follow through.<p>I am afraid of his neediness and am hurt that he would even say "I am not there for him". How dare he!<p>I keep praying that the Lord direct me, and of course the Lord would not want me to go away with another man. <p>Part of me wants to, and boy does that make me feel like a big heel!!!<p>Help [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Petrie

((((((((((Petrie))))))))))))))<p>I won't type a long response but will say:<p>BIG HUGE RED FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>Until you XH deals with his control issues leave him alone. To simply love him with all your heart is not enough. I get the strong feeling that he is just having a huge pity party for himself and can't stand to see you move on without him. Right now it is all about control. You gave and gave to him and how has he shown you any appreciation....by accusing you of not being there for him after all he has done to you? Can you see the manipulation here?<p>I had no intention of posting anything here as I realize that my comments are disrespectful towards your XH. I think you are at a place where you need to live for Petrie for awhile and quite putting your XH needs before your own. It gets to be almost automatic after doing it for so long. <p>Perhaps in the future you two can get back together but I don't feel that the time is now. I'm afraid that if you two get back together now the resentment will always be there and it will eventually break you apart again.<p>Guard yourself Petrie. Instead of asking your God to restore your marriage why not ask him to restore you and help your XH accept himself. I think that your XH is probably stuggling right now and looking to mend with a quick fix. <p>Take Care.<p>p.s. I hope I did not offend. I just cringe to think of any of us who have so recently gone through what we did to have to go back there.

Thanks HopelessinAZ<p>A big thankyou!
You aren't being disrespectful to my XH. I make it known that he is a good man! It is so true that we do things because they become automatic. Therefore, XH is depressed and in NEED, so like always, I am there. I have been there for him, but he sees the life I have made, and sees that I don't need him. He is so terrified that he might really lose me forever (funny how he pushed SOOOO hard for the divorce!)
He wants to marry me again and start our life over again from where we left off. He set us back so far.<p>I do believe that we will get married again. Something is holding me back right now, and I am not ready to get re-married to him, yet. <p>Is it wrong to be so confused about going back so soon? <p>Talk about confusing!<p>Petrie

Petrie,<p>Listen to your intuition! Something is telling you to hold off. I think it is that your XH needs to heal and become the man that you think he is and that he will need to prove that to you.<p>In your posts you are always protecting him, quick to remind us what a good man he is.....really Petrie? Does a good man have an affair and run out and get a divorce then immediatly turn around and cry marry me. Maybe yes, we are all imperfect and must accept imperfections in others for that is what it means to love. Maybe he is a good man but he is also very spiritually out of synch right now, and I'm not talking religion here I'm talking awareness of self type stuff. Your XH is so out of touch with himself spiritually that he needs to get that sorted out before he even has a chance to be the man he is in your mind. If he never gets there a remarraige to him will be doomed. You alone can not heal the relationship and him. Restoration of the marriage will not heal him. It may only prove to be more damamging to him in the long run.<p>Petrie, you said you helped him overcome his alcoholism and several other things and I'm sure you feel you can help him overcome this but perhaps this is a journey better left for him to make alone. <p>I know it is hard Petrie because you have helped him through so much but maybe that is also part of the problem? He relies on you to solve all his problems and he has another one now that he is trying to solve by getting you to remarry him.
The man is staring life in the face and has never had to do it alone Petrie was always there. But he also took huge advantage of you.<p>I understand your confusion, you are a giver and care taker. Your XH is needy and your instinct is to enable!! Don't go there. He will control and use you again.<p>Petrie you are a deserving and wonderful person and you deserve a person who is wonderful and whole and healed. It is not wrong to want to live a little. Heck, you deserve to live a lot, but you must set some bounderies with your XH or he will guilt you right back in before either of you is ready.<p>Okay, off my soapbox. I gotta run.<p>Take Care

HopelessinAZ<p>Wow!!
Thank you for that response. You hit so many nails on their heads!!<p>I think that I am scared too that I may lose him again if I don't HELP him through this.<p>He is using guilt on me and man does it work. He knows that I am not one of those people who are only there when the going is good. I have more than proven that over the years and through the struggles. I take it as a personal attack when he said the other day that "I am not there for him". How dare he. I really think that he is desparate and scared.<p>Thank you for the great advise
Hope you are doing okay
I need to read some of your old posts so I know what is going on.<p>Darn all this work I have! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Petrie

Petrie-<p>I wish you luck. My WH seems very similar to your ex. I have spent the majority of our relationship helping him cope with and overcome things. Yet he was the one to have the affair. Many people have told me during the course of our separation that he will realize too late what he had. Of course only God really knows.<p>My advice to you is to trust your instincts. You have every right to want to sow your wild oats per say. You seem to have been very supportive of your husband and then he had the affair and walked out leaving you to handle things. Then when the divorce is final and you are moving on he wants you back and fast. You deserve the time to figure things out for yourself and to put yourself first.<p>I also agree that you seem to defend him a lot. If we notice it, he probably does too. You probably alsways have been and always will be security for him. Make sure he really is worthy of your love and committment and that you aren't just seeing things as you wish they would be.<p>If in your heart you want to work things out go for it. Take it slow and stay strong, be sure not to fall into bad, familiar habits. <p>I'll be thinking of you.<p>K

Thanks still reeling!<p>I really appreciate your response.
(by the way, I almost picked the name of REELING before I became rejected) I guess I should change it now, as I am WANTED and DESIRED now. I meant that as a joke! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I will be praying for you and the Lord will lead you to the path He wants you on. Visit www.restorem.org. Gentle is right it is a very good site for anyone wanting a reconciliation. I pray for mine everyday.
Morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

Petrie,<p>I posted a thread regarding a book that I am reading. You may find it helpful as well as your XH.<p>Take Care