Hello all, it's been a while since I've posted and since it's coming up on the anniversary of my coming here I thought I'd check in.
It's all over, my marriage I mean. Ex and I have pretty much sorted the entire mess out, said our goodbyes and came to peace with the mess. It didn't happen overnight and the months between Dec and June where an utter nightmare. Recap:<p> In late Nov. of 2000 my H announced he wanted a seperation to "think things over" and abrputly left giving me no real reason why. This leaving and coming back went on until Jan. 1st when he "accidently" left an e-mail from his ow open on his computer. Finally things came into perspective for me and the nightmare really began. What followed was a month and a half of pure hell as ex would come and go between me and her; openly comparing me both physically and mentally to this young girl he had met at work. I was devestated after nearly ten years of the relationship and so swallowed everything he threw at me. I allowed him to walk all over me and use me, for home cooked dinners, laundry, sex. Whenever he wanted something I gave and got nothing in return. The affection, the respect and genuine concern was the providence of the OW and nothing I did made a dent. I was nothing in his eyes and I allowed myself to become that. Weak, self effacing. I find it hard to look back and not feel horribly ashamed and letting myself desend to those depths for someone who quite willingly stepped all over me.
He became increasingly abusive as time went on. Verbally, threatening pyshical violence(punching walls beside my head, once throwing a heavy mug into the wall next to me that shattered and a shard tore my leg. I still have a long scar from it.) The last straw was the night he handed me a knife and told me to just "fu***** stab him" in retaliation for the affair that was ongoing. Not once did I react with violence myself, no I just cried and begged and turned myself into this weak, pathetic caricature of a woman. I left early the next morning with one suitcase and 27 dollars in my wallet, that was Feb. 18th.
Now it's Nov. again and well; life is pretty damned good. I'm slowly getting back on my feet(ex left me with all the debt, debt which was transferred into my name not two months before he pulled all this)I've had to declare bankrupcy as he took all of our money, all of our possessions and anything of value. All that I own can fit into two boxes. But I'm better. I'm alive, I'm healthy, I'm working and I've learned a lot about myself and my strength. I'm proud of myself that not once during all the nasty things he did....the comparisions, the theft, getting rid of my pets in my absence and killing one through neglect, the throwing out of my things, the complete and total betray, not once did I sink to his level. I walked away and kept my dignity and he's done nothing wallow around in the crap that he made. I'm happy with the person I've become through this and I will never again be that weak or dependent on anyone. I'm free to be myself.
And....I'm in love. I'm in complete and utter, disgustingly sappy love with a man who is my equal in all ways. We talk when things bother one or the other and there's never anger or reproach because of feelings. We can spend hours doing nothing but be in each other's presence and be happy. Our likes, our interests, even our bad habits are the same. He is honest and open, quick to smile and quicker to laugh. Unpretentious, open minded and nonjuudgemental. I'm not afraid to tell him when I'm hurt or afraid; he never holds these things against me nor me him. It's wonderful and yes sometimes a little scary. I never expected this so soon or even wanted it but it happened and I don't think I could turn my back on him now. We've talked very candidly about my situation and it's implications neither of us are walking into this with our eyes shut.
I'm thankful for the things I learned on this board, I plan to use what I know to make my next relationship a strong, healthy and happy one. I think I can. And thank you to all those on here that were my cyber shoulders during that rough time last year. At times you were all I had and I am very grateful, thanks for being those sole voices in the darkness.
