john,<p>My stbx and I handled the way most experts say. We told them together we were separating. However, we knew we would probably get a divorce but we decided not to tell them this right away. Mainly because they had no clue there was a problem. Even today I think that was the right choice. However your situation is different. Your child knows there's a problems. My children overall seem to be handling everything well so I think my husband and I must have done something right.<p>A few things I would do is make sure first she knows none of the arguing and bickering has anything to do with her. Tell her you and mommy both love her and this will never change. It sounds like she already knows too much for an 8 year old but you need to try not to blame. I'd tell her you and mommy just can't get along right now and you must live separately from her for awhile but she will get to see you alot.<p>One thing my older child told me after going back and forth from his home to my home is he felt like he was homeless. I told him he now has two home instead of one.<p>Also, stbx and I did not say we weren't in love with each other anymore. We were afraid this would make them think that we could also fall out of love with them too. We just told them we were going to live apart because we were not getting along.<p>Eventually we did tell them we were divorcing but by this time they seemed more prepared and I think they handled it much better. They even said they knew it was going to happen. I think one think that helped is it gave them time to realize dad and mom living in two different homes was not all bad and it took away fear of the unknown. Divorce is scarey, I think children hear that word and think of major changes in their life. So, it is important to get the changes as minimal as possible.<p>Another thing my younger son need traditions. He values routines more than older son. One example is Halloween he wanted to keep the tradition of dad cutting pumpkins and taking him trick or treating. I told him of course dad will do all that. This was easy since his dad could cut pumpkins at his own home and then he could bring them back to mine. Also, easy because his dad could take him trick or treating in our neighborhood without he and I communicating. <p>For Thanksgiving though, it was a little harder because tradition to my younger son was broken. My stbx gets the children for the week. There would be no way for my son to get this tradition of all of us spending it together. So, I let them know I would be out of town with their Grandma. STBX decided to take them to the lake. It helped him to know he would be going to the lake and fishing that week, as well as to know his mother would not be alone for Thanksgiving because I would be with my mother. It also helped him to tell him my mother really needed me as a friend right now because she was lonely. He seems to now accept this change.<p>Basically, if you can work with your wife on all these issues and compromise, this is the best thing you can do for your daughter. <p>Take care and I hope these websites help too.<p>
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/children/telling.shtml<p>Here's what it says,<p>Children & Divorce: Telling the Children:<p>Telling the Children You Are Getting Divorced<p>Telling the children that you are going to get divorced can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome, but it is something that must be done in order for the children to begin to accept this dramatic change in their life.<p>Research shows that children reared in an environment where there is tension will be more traumatized than a child reared in a divorced home, tension free enviroment. If children see parents constantly abusing each other, whether it be verbally or physically, the child will ultimately suffer.<p>It is possible for children to thrive in a divorced home, provided they are under the right parental conditions. One of the first ways that a parent can help a child is by telling him or her about the divorce. Remember, children of all ages will be affected by their parent's divorce. Following are some tips on telling the children.<p>How to Tell the Children<p>No matter what the age, it is important that the parents tell the children what is going on.<p>If one parent has played the main parenting role, then it is more logical for that parent to break the news to the child, lessening the trauma.<p>It is very important that no blame be assigned to either parent for the separation, because this may indirectly give the child a reason to choose sides. It is unhealthy for the child to feel that there is a good and bad parent.<p> As a parent you must explain to the children that they are not to blame for the divorce. Initially almost all children feel that they are responsible. The parent must explain that the divorce is between the parents and not the children and parents. If this is explained correctly, the children will also realize that if they are not responsible for the divorce, then they cannot be responsible for their parents reconciling.<p>Don't tell the children that you are divorcing unless you and your spouse are absolutely certain that the decision is final.<p> It is important that you tell the children about the divorce when you can be together for a long period of time.<p> A non-school day would probably be the most preferred time, because they are going to feel very alone andthey will need someone there to feel a sense of safety and security.<p> After you have told them the news, you may, without going into great detail, want to give them some idea what they should expect in the future. A child may want to know about school and future living arrangements.<p>If they ask "why?" this usually means why is this happening to me. It does not mean why are you getting a divorce. The children initially really don't need to know why, so eliminate details. <p>Be sure to ask them if they have any questions. They may have questions, but will be reluctant to respond at that time. Remember, it is important to field questions again and again.<p>Here's some other sites.<p>
http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5161.html<p>
http://www.split-up.com/splitgen/sp/gn/tellingchildrenaboutthedivorce.htm<p>
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1638.pdf<p>
http://www.heartchoice.com/divorceroom/tellkids.htm<p>[ November 11, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>
