My wife seems very determined that she wants a divorce. I personally think after 8.5 years she is moving too quickly. I did catch her in a serious emotional affair. The counselor and I told her to stop talking to this other guy. However she still talks to the guy since she works with him. So we are currently going to seperate and give each other some time to think. I personally think if we seperate and this guy is in the picture, well that pretty much ruins my chances of saving our marriage. So what do I do? I don't want to sit back and watch our marriage go. I have spoken with this other guy on the phone. I told him to stay out and quit messing with this. The bad part is they work together and my wife is week right now. This guy could make things much worse. What do I do? Do I talk to the guy face to face? I can't sit back and watch my marriage go down the drain. I feel help less in all of this...Need advice..

Just a thought here to get those brain juices flowing, had I agreed to separate I honestly believe that I would still be married today. But like you I was overcome with the thoughts of others and the possibility of ending the relationship that I was totally opposed to separation and now I'm totally DIVORCED. The only reason that I say I think that I would still be married is that about a month after my divorce, 3 months after separation, I saw the confusion in my x's eyes and words. It would of been at that point that I would of been able to save my marriage but I didn't have the faith or patience to wait.<p>As for the other man, your talking to him or about him will only add a level rebellous behaviour to your wife. So try not to focus on your wife or him but turn all your emotional energy to working on and repairing yourself. I presume that you know what a Plan A is well make sure that you put a dam good one into affect.<p>Best of luck to you and keep us posted.

I know this can be a confussing and trying time for you right now. BUT... You can't change her right now. She is in this state of fog that is so deep that even she cant see straight. <p>I forced my stbxh to stay and work things out and it only made ME more miserable. To this day I will always wish that I had let him go immediately after finding out. Right now your w can only see what she wants to see. By seperating your forcing her to see that things are not so green on the other side of the fence. Leading the single life isnt all that great. Now that I am out... I can see that my stbx is realizing that...too bad that didnt happen a year ago.<p>As to talking to the OP...I did this many, MANY times and I'll tell you what. They only told me what I wanted to hear. You will never, NEVER get anywhere by doing this. And in the long run, you will probably just feel worse because they both played you even more.

She wants a separation?...ask her if you can assist her in packing her bags. Do not let her have the benefit and comfort of staying in your home. Shake her up a bit by forcing her into unfamiliar surroundings. Take that comfort zone away from her. Also hand her her portion of the bills and state she will be responsible for them. Do not assist her financially (unless she has the children). As for the other guy...not much you can do there...somtimes you just have to stand up and take it.

I know in my heart that had I just let my X go right in the beginning, he'd have come back. Instead I did Plan A and I regret that because he had so much contempt for me at the time, it was useless. I had become so much of a doormat to him, appeared needy, and it simply was very unattractive to him and drove him away. I still have my doubts about plan A'ing. I feel what I needed to have then was a backbone because that is my true identity (not the squid that plan A made me).<p>Well, when he finally left it was such a surprising relief to me...and THEN I found out it wasn't just this one affair but 20 years worth of them - so had I let him leave from the beginning and he'd tried to return, I'd have kicked his butt anyways as it turns out.<p>I'm not saying you should let this happen. I've read from others who feel opposite that it's a sure way to end the marriage if you just let yourselves separate. I can see that point and agree with that too. Who knows, everyone's marriages and personalities are different.<p>Try to decide you'll be ok whatever happens. Really, just decide it. I DIDN'T want this believe me, but who wants a lier and cheater, and never knowing what's real or not? Alone is just fine, and way better than what I really had. (Of course, it is TIME that makes "alone" a good thing, at first it sucks).<p>Take care.<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: weirded out ]</p>