Well, spent last Thursday and Friday in court. I still have sole custody of the children, the older D doesn't have to see STBX again and the younger D has to see him every 3 weeks in a counseling session. That is, unless there seems to be undue stress on her for visiting with him and then counselor will halt the visits.<p>The judge substantiated the abuse, which was nice since STBX stood on the stand and denied any abuse happened at all to either the girls or myself. Court did not have a copy of the Child Protective Services report which also substantiated the abuse and which I am to continue counseling with the girls to find out the extent of the abuse against the older D. <p>STBX wasn't too upset about losing custody, I didn't get the permanent restraining order but I did get a 100 yard restraining order around the house and STBX whined that he wouldn't be able to visit across the street neighbor. So judge decided he could visit there but he had to have a "cooling off" period til February 1, 2002 and is not to set foot on the property until that time.<p>He is a sick guy! Anyway, next step is financials and we do that on the 27th. The younger daughter is upset that she has to continue visits with STBX, but we will see how that goes once the rest is settled. He never had much to do with the kids in the first place, and can't imagine that will change much in the future as he is still CLUELESS.<p>Just an update, have to go catch up on work.<p>Lori <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lori,<p>I am glad things went somewhat well for you<p>I am sorry that your youngest d has to visit
with him, but it's good that it is with a counselor..that at least will help her feel safe..<p>Is stbxh required to get individual counseling
as well? or just the time with your daughter?<p>And I think yours and your daughters continued counseling will be a blessing for you all..it will help them see that you are protecting them..and helping them to learn abuse is wrong!!! And will help them when they are older start dating..and even into marriage..what a wonderful gift you are giving to your girls!!!!

Lori,<p>I'm glad things went mainly your way and the children's way. Good luck.<p>ANNA

Thanks for the thoughts! The one concern both myself and the attorney has is that STBX and his attorney mentioned older D's anger and emotional issues so much that the judge put reference to that as a part of the problem. Her anger and emotional problems were caused from the abuse (physical, mental, emotional, and possibly sexual) that she received from STBX. <p>Now that STBX no longer can control her and she doesn't have to visit him, she is trying to control me in the same manner that STBX did. I see a lot of counseling and a long road ahead of us, but I am learning to set boundaries. I need to get her into individual abuse counseling and see if we will ever find out just how abusive STBX was. In the meantime, we will continue family counseling work with the one counselor, I will continue to see my abuse counselor and do support groups, and hopefully older D will come around a bit. <p>It took a long time to get so dysfunctional, I guess it will take some time to become a real human being again. It just irritates me to no end that STBX and his attorney sat there and said there was no abuse, that we were taking away from the truly battered women of the world. Yeah, I have to admit that I didn't realize I was being abused... I have to thank many of the MB participants for helping me to start the path to become "me" again, to feel enough support that I stood up to protect my children, to understand that there are times when it is best to end a relationship (if you could call it that in hindsight). <p>I know in this Thanksgiving holiday coming up, who I truly can thank, and that I can be thankful for where I am now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lori

Thorned Rose,<p>Sorry realize I didn't answer your question. STBX is only required to be in counseling with younger daughter at the moment. I think when Child Protective Services is done with their report and all, he will have to go to anger management classes and counseling, but at this point, nothing surprises me. He's called across the street neighbor and told him that he lost custody of the kids but that he's going to keep the house and his money. Great priority there, but not a surprise at all. <p>General thoughts by all are that he is going to disregard court orders once again and self destruct, and I have learned patience [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] In the meantime, I am catching up on work and moving forward with plans for the future. I will be so glad for this to be over.<p>Lori

Lori,<p>I'm not sure how old your daughter is..but I know that the book 'The Wounded Heart' helped me..
tremdendously..It is geared towards sexual abuse.
but in reality..it can help anyone whose been in an abusive relationship...of any sort..it explains signs of sexual abuse..(in case your not sure) <p>Another one is a workbook "Shelter from the Storm"
it also helped tremendously..(it is from a support group from church) <p>The first one I'd suggest you reading..for yourself..and then you can share information w/
your daughter as you see fit..you can add it into
conversations..kinda like..Hey listen to this..
and read bits of to her..and be like WOW, I didn't know that was the word to explain this feeling I have inside..and it will help her put the words to what she is feeling inside..<p>One thing I am sure she is feeling (as you are) is ambivalence..it's when you feel two conflicting emotions..like happy and sad..ex. if your best friend at work gets the promotion that you wanted..your happy she got the promotion..but also sad that you didn't..<p>or like..<p>You love your ex-h, but you hated him for abusing you..you hated that side of his personality..and
your daughter struggles even more..because this is her father..who she loves because of who he is to her..her dad..someone who is supposed to love and protect her..but he hurt her..so it causes conflicting emotions..<p>And this I beleive is where the hate the sin and love the sinner comes into play..as you learn to seperate the sin from the sinner..you learn it's okay to hate the sin (the abuse) and still care about the sinner (the person who abused you) it's a really big step in understanding God..and how much He loves us..and yet still hates our sin..<p>And I agree it will take lots of counseling..for all of you..and your children are very blest in the fact that they have a mother who is there to help them and protect them..and make sure they have the means to get the much needed help in recovery..