<BR>My husband has been going out so much lately and I can't get him to stop... He sees nothing wrong with him going out with friends and having a good time. I'm so sick of hearing this! I work 3 nights a week, he stays home with our 2 young children, and on the nights I'm home, he acts like he can't wait to get the heck out! When I bring up the fact he's been out too much, then he just gets sneaky; going to the store and not coming back for 6 hours, etc. I'm hurt that he won't spend his energy on me and am wondering why he constantly has to go out!!! I dont want a roommate, I want a partner. That's far from what I'm getting here.

I don't know enough about the situation, but here is one possibility:<P>On the nights you don't work, what do you plan for the two of you to do together? Do you have a nice dinner and then spend some time talking? Fire going? Wild sex? Sit on the porch and drink wine and look at the stars? Or are you so tired you head straight to the bubble bath and read a book? Are you accessible when he is home? Does he have a reason to want to be home instead of out? (I mean besides the obvious "he should be!")<P>How stressed out is he? Are you asking him to "pick up part of the slack", but maybe asking more than he can deliver and not really returning anything?<P>It's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. It's easy to blame other people for their behavior and tell them to change, but usually if we want a change a relationship we have to take responsibility for the first step ourselves.<P>And if you don't see anything you can change, chances are you can't ask him to change either.<BR>

i wonder what he does while he's out. for many months, while i and my w were seperated, i spent a lot of time in a bar. i lived in a new city and enjoyed being there because everyone knew my name, like on cheers. i noticed while i was there that there were a lot of men, from many walks of life, that were always there too. i always wondered what their wives, bosses, etc. did while they were there. one day as i walked toward the door to go in, one of the men came walking out pretty fast and right behind him a woman followed. she was apparently his wife. she was yelling,"when are you going to start coming home and acting like a father and husband for a change." i guess that answered my question. i often wondered why he didn't care to hang out at home. i suppose he wasn't happy. i know his wife wasn't. so i'm thinking, maybe your h is hanging out in a bar. i wonder if your h happy at home. he probably isn't and that's his problem, not yours'. he needs to work on that because if he doesn't, he will eventually be less happy. my w goes with me now whenever i want to visit a bar. she plays the video games and i bs with whomever will listen.

This reply will probably be hard to read and I assure you that it is not easy to write. With no disrespect intended to you, I must suggest that you may not be creating the kind of environment which your husband would want to stay in. <P> I am only saying this because it is you who are asking for advice and not your husband. My suggestion is that you decide what you want your home environment to be like and to act "as if" it already existed. If you treat your husband as if you believe that he is the most wonderful, desirable person in the world, he is likely to respond as such. This will probably not work the first time, but done consistently, it will work eventually. I know that this is very difficult to do, but one of you must refuse to continue the destructive game. <P> I certainly hope you are not offended, but by posting here you have identified yourself as the person who can make a change. I will remember you as a person who wants to make a difference.<BR>May God Bless you and Keep you.

Hey mom2b,<P>Is there some way that you can get him to sit down with you and calmly talk about your marriage - how he wants it to be, how you want it to be without discrediting what each other says?<P>If there is you might gain some insight into what the problems are from his side and you can then figure out what is really going on.<P>I would suggest you read all of the basic concepts here on Marriage Builders and then share the info with your H in a non-threatening way so you can get his first reactions. Then you can gauge your situation much better.<P>Please post again and let us know how things are going. Good luck!!!<P>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<P><P>------------------<BR>To save your marriage use Dr. Harley's methods at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/</A> <P>

join him.