I am finding myself in a bad place but I don't know what to do! I've been working theprogram but it doesn't work for any length of time. His inattentiveness as well as his inconsideration rears its ugly head after a few nice days. And then I want to just give up. I'm tired of working in this marriage,I'm tired of forgiving everytime he hurts me,I'm tired of crying and I'm actually getting used to the idea of being alone. I don't have the energy to resurrect this marriage nor do I have the desire. Sometimes I think he is actually trying to get me to leave him. He tells me that he loves me, and he asks me if I'm going to leave him, its getting real hard telling him I'm not when I am considering it more and more. I am tired of exposing my feelings to someone who stomps on them every chance he gets. I am worn out! If I voice my concerns he tells me I'm being selfish and only thinking of myself and then a huge fight starts. Nothing is ever resolved. I can't say this is a new problem because this has been going on most of our married life its just that I had other things and he had other things to keep us busy. Although even then I told him we needed to make our relationship a priority or we would drift apart. Well,that day has come and I/m ready to take the boat and sail away. Sorry I sound so down,I just am hurting so bad! Gotta go I can't see through the tears.

Hi there,<BR>I'm new here, but have been lurking for quite some time. I could quite literaly FEEL your <BR>pain and confustion. You are bone tired huh?<BR>You have tried so hard for so very long girl!<BR>You need some peace and rest. Please look to our Heavenly Father, who has loved you forever, envision His cupped hands, and then place your marriage right in them! Let God take care of things there, so you can rest in his love. He will show you His plan for you if you can quiet your heart and mind enough to hear Him. I will pray for clarity and guidence for you. <BR>Kate

Changeling,thank you for your encouraging words of wisdom,however I have been praying for my marriage for sometime now,and so far no answer. My new motto is don't care and don't feel. When ever I start to feel hurt,disappointed or invisible I recite to myself don't care,don't feel. I lost my first husband several years ago through a tragic accident, and the way I got through that was by reciting the song from I think Simon and Garfunkel "I am a rock,I am an island, A rock feels no pain and an island never cries. The lyrics could be off,but you get the gist. Then after sometime I let my wall down to a man that I thought I could be vulnerable with,he was loving,caring,thoughtful at the time and I opened my heart to the possibility to loving some one again because I thought he wouldn't hurt me. It was so painful to love someone and lose them through death,but I've learned it is far more painful to love someone and lose them through apathy.You see death isn't a choice but apathy is a choice. BIG MISTAKE to ever let anyone in! I am a rock I am an island once again because thats the only way I can protect myself from being hurt!

Oh Mare...Your words hit me SO hard! You sound just like me, as little as a few months ago! Yes, "Emotional Death" is an alternitve to pain, but it takes joy, hope, passion, love, and everything else that comprises the soul right along with it. These gifts are your birth-right as a valuable human being. Please don't let one person (husband), out of the millions of people who share this earth with us, determine how you feel about yourself and limit your potential. Do not let his indifference turn your heart to stone. If your husband can stand by and watch your soul dying, then I will be so bold as to say that he does NOT love you. Some people are VERY skilled at knowing how to make a person FEEL loved, but if they do not truly love they cannot sustain the ruse.( I do not know if this is the case for your H. It was for mine. One clue regarding this is his ability [or lack thereof ] to sustain long term relationships in general. with friends, family, ect...)I know how very painful it is to except that someone you love more than life itself, does not love you, but the evidence is overwhelming you my friend.<BR>If you continue this way, you might as well be be' a rock" for you will be one of the "Living Dead" (emotionally speaking). you will have looooong, shallow, existence, instead of the rich, deeply meaningful life that you are meant to enjoy. I certainly understand why your faith is failing. It is at these very vulnerable times that negative influences can impact our lives with terrible consequences. I would like to suggest a little something to stem the flow of "SoulBlood" pouring from that gash in your heart, a bit of a bandage to give you a chance to get more substantial healing when you are ready. There is little gem of a book called " Soul Survival Kit" by Melanie Beatty,( Sort of a first aid kit for a dying spirit, our library carries it, yours may also.) I urge you to read it. It is where I got my first bit of hope when I had none. I have to go for now, but I have so much more I'd like to share at a later time, I will check in on you from time-to-time, holler if you need to talk.<BR>Love,<BR>Kate<BR>