I was reading "His needs, Her needs". In the beginning it says that affairs start with just being friends. As I read that section I saw my husband perfectly. He goes to this woman to share his problems because he needs to talk to someone else about things. I don't know what to do, I try to be there for him, but he won't let me in because he has her to talk to. I try to tell him that he is taking something away from us because he is turning to her. I want to save our marriage that is having a tough time right now. Any suggestions on how I can get him to turn to me again? Help!

That's how it started with my husband. Go to Plan A immediately. Be there for him like you've never been there before. Try to nip it in the bud!!! Lord, I wish I had known about Plan A 2-3 years ago!!!!!!!

Hi Christy,<BR>I see this is your first post, Fill us in a little, you came to this board, you must be into something other than your husband is talking to another woman about his problems. What kind of problems are there? Yes, I can see this in it's self as a Big problem happening. It happened to me, I didn't know it was going on, infact it went on for 3 years, developing into a full blown affair. I questioned it at times, H told me there was no problem here, liked the company of riding with someone to work, but it was only once in a while anyway (LIE) and I believed him because I thought we had the perfect marriage, AND she was a neighbor friend of both of ours. Yes, I could have stopped it, yes, I was stupid, BUT he was MORE stupid than I was. Sorry to get off on this, LOL<BR>Anyway, give us more info. <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" :)<P><BR>

Christy, I'm in the same boat. Read my profile, I just updated it today.<P>For me it's been going on for a year. My H lost his mother at a young age, and unfortunately, he looks for mothering from his wife (me) and has an ENDLESS need for reassurance, affection, nurturing; to the point that when I need it, it's threatening to him. When he doesn't get what he needs from me 1000% of the time, he goes running to her.<P>I've been in Plan A since March, and while he's been home more often and it was better for a while, he's worried now about his job and clinging to this woman's friendship. Read "Welcome back my friends..." for more details.<P>Right now, Plan A is the best you can do. Keep in mind that you won't get much back at this point, but keep with it.<P>It's a miserable situation. I'm happy to help you; I'm in the same boat.

I can totally relate to the H who's mom died when he was young and looking for some extra love/nurturing from a female. <P>Recently my H told me a woman he's had a crush on for years (long before he met/married me) is going thru separation from her serial-cheating worm of an H. Lately he's been her lay-counselor/shoulder to cry on friend. <P>What to do? Is there some kind of sign on my forehead that says "Go ahead and get between me and my H?" This woman worries me - she's feeling vunerable and she's had an affair herself. Hmmm. I don't like it.

Christy,<P>First, Welcome. Second, sorry you find yourself with the need to be here.<P>You have made the best first step.... you have realized that there is a problem, and taken action! HNHN is a great book to get going with.... take the questionaires & have your H do the same. <P>I can offer some personal perspective from BOTH sides of the EA issue. I agree that Plan A is where to start, and start immdediately. <P>I would be glad to help you in any way I can. If you would like to e-mail me, please do so .... labutterly68@hotmail.com. <P>I'm here, and you can pick my brain (or at least what's left of it ) for what ever I have to offer.<P>Thoughts & Prayers<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

Okay, well I'm not really sure how this thing works, but oh well. More about me. My husband is going through some personal problems, whatever they are. He says he want to go to counseling to work through them. So last week he says he doesn't feel comfortable around me because I am "so much better than him" and that he doesn't think he can work through things with me around. He says we should separate for a while,and date other people (which he admitted includes HER) to see if we realize what a great thing we have. And wants me to move out, which I absolutely refuse! We end up agreeing that he will go to counseling for a month while remaining at home. At the end of the month we will look at things and see if he still wants to separate. I am not going to give up so easily. I am just not sure where to start. I want this month to go good so he will want to stay. I think we get along good. I understand he is having to deal with stuff, so things aren't as good as they could be. I think he has problems and isn't happy, and blames it on not having a good marriage. I am hoping that counseling will help him to be happier, thus making him happier with us. Hopefully I am not totally off!

Christy,<P>Read everything you can on this site and get the book Surving an Affair. Love him with all you have and then some. Prepare yourself for a heavy roller coaster ride. It can work and is happening here at my house. Things are better. Been 6 months. Pray and lean on God. Don't give up ever.<P>I will be checking on you but, I have to run for now. I will also be praying for you.<P>Oh yeah don't seperate...that will help nothing. <P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Help! I think I am helping things by doing thoughtful little things for my H.Today I leave a message for one of his co-workers to call me because I had a surprise planned for my H. I wanted to bring dinner to him at work, but I needed someone to let me into the office. He finds out because the person I called called him to find out what was going on. Now he is completely mad at me and saying that I am going over-board. I am trying to change and be a better wife. What do I get in return? A furious husband! Am I going over-board? If so, where are the boundaries?

Christy,<P>I may be totally off base here but it sounds as though your h. may already be invovled with ow. I'm just trying to warn you. If he is talking about seperating and dating others chances are he wants to or is seeing her. I feel so bad for you. Would he agree to marriage counseling with you? Also, wondering how old he is. Could it be a mid-life thing? Either way, counseling will help. I've only been around this board for about a month, but I've been applying the principals and I think there has been a tiny bit of improvement in my case. I am in counseling (h. refuses to go at this point) and that has helped as well. I really think the best thing would get him to agree to counseling with you along with his private counseling. Keep coming here for encouragement and to vent. Good luck.

I was at the exact same place last year. I started talking to the OW and she said all of the right things. I couldn’t stand my W any longer because I didn’t<BR>Deal with my anger and hurt very well. This may not be your husbands deal, but it was mine. <P>I buried all of my hurts and anger for our relationship - very deep so deep that I didn’t even know I had it. It was like one day I woke up and had no feelings for my wife except hate. I continued with my friendship with the OW which quickly became a relationship. I moved out, I saw an attorney and was all ready to file for divorce.<P>Fortunately for me, I read a book which explain the longer terms effects of not expressing your hurt and anger very well. I now could understand where my feelings for my W had gone. I now had some hope. Then I found this site on the Internet and understood others were able to work though a lot worse problems what me and my W ever had. I now had a lot of hope.<P>I never really wanted a divorce, but did want to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. The entire time I was out of the house I was in a constant battle with what I thought was right and what I thought I wanted to do.<P>I would suggest trying to get him to talk to other friends if he has them. If he is a Christian, get him to talk to some of his Christian friends. Or any other friends that you feel may contribute to saving your marriage. If he’s like me then he feels all alone, like he has know where else to turn besides the OW. I would also try talking to him yourself, but when you do try not to make him angry because this will be just the excuse he needs to take things a step further with the OW.<P>This my not work, however. I would also recommend you expand your faith in God. Trust him, lean on him, use him and read the bible, get connected with Christian friends. Give your relationship to God and pray, have other pray.<P>Finally if you really do want to save your marriage be willing to except your husband however he returns from the OW. There is no telling how stupied he will be. There is no telling what he may do.<P>My prayers and thoughts are with you, and I hope your husband doesn’t make the same mistake I did. And if he does, I hope your marriage can be reconciled like mine is in the process of being.<BR>