Here's one part of our relationship stress -- I'd REALLY appreciate any advice from those who have been-there/done-that.<P>My H's ex still attempts to manipulate H for his attention (I don't let her know it angers me), and cruelly manipulates my stepson, age 9. When she is blocked, she doggedly refuses to give up control and will switch to a new method of badgering.<P>We married in May 1999. In June, H and ex agreed to change stepson's primary residence to that with us. (She lives 30 miles away.) During the previous year, ex had signed papers to leave stepson back in 3rd grade. We believe his grades were poor mostly as a result of ex not helping him study and her lifestyle that is not particularly family-oriented. We were aware most times during her visitation that stepson was either spending the night with friends or being babysat while ex went out (once upon calling, my H talked to a babysitter who didn't even know where stepson was!). <P>After having him tested for reading skills, etc., we enrolled him in 4th grade. He is responding well with our help. One difficulty is that he wants to wait until we might feed him homework answers, which I guess is the only kind of "help" she provided. He is learning that he must do his homework himself, with only minimal suggestions but LOTS of encouragement from us.<P>Ex refuses to sign a written visitation agreement. She says that's because she wants more time with stepson than the standard agreement of every other weekend, splitting holidays and summers. We believe the real reason is that she doesn't want to pay child support in this newly reversed situation, not an actual interest in being with stepson more. Also, H is a bartender, receiving the majority of his pay in cash tips--H trusted her last year and naively did not ask for receipts when paying his child support to her in cash; she took him to court for back support and with no records to prove, H is paying back support. She said she would put this "back support" received into a savings account for step-son, and match it...we're sure she hasn't.<P>She tells H she wants things back to "the way they were," meaning before our marriage when they were living in the same town and sharing equal time with stepson. H told her this is impossible; he's married now with a family, and with school and other activities it just simply cannot be, besides she agreed to the change in primary residence. We've tried reasoning with her, H talking on the phone with her, arranging meetings that she will agree to and then not show up--the situation only gets worse. She is not the greatest mother material, bad habits of ignoring stepson's needs, poor discipline and actual abuse having occurred while she struggles to control situations; she has pulled his hair, pushed him down, locked him in his room for entire evenings, taken away ALL his toys, and left him unsupervised with other children during a fishing trip long enough for the kids to set a barn on fire. We've been at our wit's end many times. I've even talked to her, telling her she is hurting her son by her actions and her selfish need to control, and his care is most important. She told me she appreciated me talking to her, that it was just so hard, she does love stepson. She even hugged me the next day, thanking me again (ick! but I thought well, maybe some progress, better to be on good terms with her than bad)...then a couple of days later we received a letter from her attorney stating that we had denied her visitation (never), refused to let her talk on the phone with her child (partially true, the several calls a day were uh, too much), and suggesting the enclosed standardized visitation agreement. H immediately wrote back that we agreed wholeheartedly, signed, here ya go!--and of course, she did not sign. That's not what she really wanted, she was just causing trouble.<P>When school started, she began her new attack. Under school regulations, we as the primary custodians are responsible for all educational decisions for stepson and if the ex wants information, she must come to the office and request in person. We had planned on keeping her notified as the (unsigned) visitation agreement suggests. I was going to begin mailing her activity dates after we got them during the first conference. My H had to work that night, so stepson, my 2 girls, and I went. She was there, sitting at stepson's desk. Whew, I saw red--here she goes, insinuating herself into OUR community right off the bat, not because of true interest but to cause trouble--I appeared calm and poised but decided to completely ignore her. <P>She is not on the school pick-up list and the office and his teachers are aware of the tense situation. She calls the school every other day, asking to talk to his teachers, and told them at the conference to bypass us and mail his grades and paperwork directly to her! The school sent her a copy of the local regulation, wherein even in cases of joint custody, the primary custodian makes all education decisions for the child (as far as instructing the school how things will be handled) and decides who may or may not be on the pick-up list. H and I believe she wants to jump on any low grade to prove that he isn't doing any better with us, and file for a change in custody so she won't be required to pay any child support. She has changed her actions, now seeming like the caring, model mother, and of course, he is responding to her attention. Her manipulations were again uncovered when a teacher called us in for an immediate conference--he'd gotten 14 bad conduct marks in 2 days (a Monday and Tuesday after her weekend visitation) and had backtalked a teacher. When she directed that he concentrate on his work, he said he didn't HAVE to because when he did poorly he would get to go back to his mommy's and live. H set him straight on that, he IS to do well on his studies, bad grades would NOT send him back to mom. Fortunately, he is applying himself again to his studies. <P>She upsets stepson at the end of her visitations, asking him does he love her, it will be so LONG before he gets to see her again, she hopes daddy will let her...painting H as a bad guy/no telling what she says about me...he cries and is withdrawn for a while until he adjusts to being with us again. Then he's fine. He and I have a good relationship, he adores his daddy, and his relationship with my girls I consider good--just typical squabbles and continuing adjustments living together as a family. At pick-up she used to continually argue about situations with H in front of stepson, and we agreed that H should tell her NO more conversation during pick-up, by phone only, and matter of fact, the party picking up should just stay in their vehicle and honk. Sometimes she cooperates, sometimes not. <P>Little League football began with an excited little boy. H played football himself and has always had an interest, and before their divorce ex knew this would happen. H feels that if they had still been together, she would not have had an opinion either way and would probably have left it up to H to arrange on his own if stepson played. Ex called H upon learning this new development, very angry, demanding that stepson not play--she had not agreed and it was too dangerous. She said her every other Thursday night dinner and visitation with stepson would NOT be affected, he would just have to miss practice. If a game was scheduled during her visitation, he would not be allowed to come home with us until visitation was over. H hit the roof, telling her that stepson would NOT be missing practices as part of the team just so she could take him out to dinner for 2 hrs., she was being completely irrational in her need to control, that things like this WERE going to affect her time with him, as it also does with us, but these things are necessary as he grows up. Ex decided not only to show up for her visitation nights, and games (which was expected), but also any and every practice she could. This distracts stepson's attention from his practice, but we've gritted our teeth and not objected. One night she set up her chair right next to my daughter's; I asked stepson if he felt comfortable doing it to ask his mommy to move. He saw the situation immediately and asked her. She argued with him, loudly, that she had every right to sit wherever she wanted, what WAS the problem, etc. He said "mommy, just do it." Fortunately she did. I thanked him and apologized if I made him feel like he was in the middle and he smiled his understanding and ran off to practice. Amazing resilience under the circumstances, that kid has. <P>I encourage him to enjoy his time with his mommy, and he knows if he ever wants to talk about things with me, I'm there as his step-mom and friend and we both will always help him when he needs us. He confides to me on occasion and this is one way we're aware of her manipulations. I so wish we knew she was just being the loving, interested mommy without ulterior motives. <P>The latest occurrence--the asst. principal informed us that ex has now mailed them several self-addressed, stamped envelopes and requested copies of stepson's grades and papers. The school was unsure what to do with this new situation, but will be sending her copies. <P>NOW what? Is it time to take her back to court and ask for a written visitation agreement, child support and what...an admonition to quit interfering in his educational progress, or a directive to the school to block her??? Or do we just live with the uncertainty that if stepson makes an occasional low grade she may take US to court? And just put up with her showing up whenever she pleases?<P>Typically these unannounced appearances happen when H is at work...I have to contend with her presence alone.<P>Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated!<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Hi Lucks -<P>Well, if she isn't a real winner, huh?<P>You and H have the patience of saints!!<P>What does your lawyer say about all of this? Have you documented all this nonsense?<P>If the school is to only notify primary custodians...why does sending them self-addressed envelopes all of a sudden get her the information? I am confused on that!!!!<P>Thank God the little guy has you!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

I don't know what the law is in your state but where I live, if the the parent has visitation rights and there is nothing on file stating that information is not to be given to the other parent, the school will give copies of grades to that parent. If you don't want her to have his grades you will have to talk to a lawyer about how to stop it. As far as conferences here again unless there is a legal document stating that the ex is not suppose to be there, the teacher can not do anything about it. Having taught until recently, I can tell you that a teacher and school worth anything will work with you in any way. There goal is to help the child. But and I have been in this situation, the teacher has to let the other parent know what is going on, whether we want to or not. And believe me the teacher does know what is going on. I have seen this happen so often where the other parent tries to cause trouble just to be trouble not to help the child. My sister is having the same problem only it is her ex and her kids. For years he hadn't paid any attention to the kids. Now he is trying to get involve in their lives not because he cares but just cause problems. So you have my sympathy. Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Sheba--<P><chanting> I want sainthood, I want sainthood...just kidding. It HAS been rough, and it isn't over yet by a long shot! I used to hear of other situations and think, wow, why can't those people just get along? I now know sometimes, it's just impossible. How sad.<P>I don't think I mentioned, she even wants her punishments of step-son to carry-over to our house too. I don't think so...no, no, no....I'm dying to say, look lady, spell it, d-i-v-o-r-c-e, you are NOT Queen Bee, now go buzz around somebody else!<P>Thanks for responding!<P>SDS --<P>Do you have any other suggestions for us? I work in a lawfirm and my bosses are very helpful in these situations. They tell me to go ahead and file for the whole shabang. We're truly trying not to create a huge scene out of this. My H's thought was if she's going to show up at group conferences, we just would schedule our own conf. later and not be present when she is. BUT...that's so unfair, of us to feel ousted from our schools where our other children attend also, and step-son SHOULD be present. Why can't SHE schedule a conf. later instead of making more difficulties for all of us?

Luck, I wish I could come up with some other ideas. I will try to think about what I have done in the past. But I think the schools hands are tied, unless there is somekind of legal notice that she is not be allowed to be a conferences or to receive information. I know it stinks to put it mildly. I know my sister keeps hoping that as long as she tries not let ex see how much he has be bothering her he will get tired of his games and leave them alone. I don't know if that is the answer or not. I really feel for you and your family.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks, SDS. If you think of ANYthing we might try, please let me know. I'll stick to the ignoring her entirely but not seeming upset at all for now.<P>Maybe good news: H believes she may be tapering off the football practices, words to that effect by phone. She has to drive 60 miles round-trip and she was stubbornly doing it almost every day for a few weeks. If it was genuine interest, she'd keep it up; there's only 4 more weeks of Little League. Just had a horrible thought...what if she comes to the banquet? Argh. Grin and bear it, I know.<P>I think in a few weeks we'll file for a written visitation agreement and child support, and monitor what to do about the school situation as we go along. If she does try to sue for custody, we have ample ammunition. We also have step-son seeing the school counselor regularly.<P>Thanks again!