My wife and her Mom have this extremely close relationship and I don't know how to deal with it. (Now before I sound like I hate her mom I don’t.) I feel like I’m a wedge in their relationship and because of this it’s causing unhappiness in ours. She spends at least one day a weekend with her mom not including phone calls every day, and dinner and food shopping one night during the week. I have tried to be understanding but this past week was the worst. <BR> We went on vacation to Disney with her mom. This would not have bothered me as much if we had had some time alone. Ten days in Florida and not one meal without her there, not one walk, or romantic moment alone. There were times when I was the shadow and time when she was. There were times I was with them and I felt alone. The only time we had was when we went to sleep which after walking in the parks all day we did quickly. So within a couple of days I became irritated. I should have said something but I didn’t want to hurt her or her mom’s feelings. Now I think her mom thinks I hate her and she is irritated. Not sure what to say or do. Please help. If you want more back ground let me know. (By the way her mom has never been married.)<BR> Thanks,<BR> Storm<BR>

I can understand your point of view BUT YOU MUST SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR WIFE about this and now, otherwise it will become worse fast. You mentioned that her mom isnt married, so im assumimg she is alone...maybe your wife just cant deal with the guilt of mom being alone. My mom was my best friend, moved from our home state to be near me,her husband didnt want to do things so i took her places and ran errands with her. I enjoyed our time together but did make time for my husband. I thik if you share your concerns in a nice way your wife will understand. My mom died of cancer 3months after she moved near me..and i would give anything in this world to shop one more time, eat one more dinner, and especially hold her in my arms. There IS ENOUGH TIME IN ONE DAY to spend time together with both people that your wife loves dearly. dont make her chose b/c she cant, she loves you both....just make out some kind of arrangement WITH her! Good luck!!

Storm,<P>What you describe is a bit extreme. Your wife is her mother's whole life I woudld guess. You do need to talk with your wife about your concerns. If you don't you will begin to resent both your wife and your mother-in-law. Before you do talk read Dr. Harley's stuff. It will help you stay away from "love busters" and communicate more effectively.<P>Brenda offers this same advice and I would agree for the most part but she is struggling with competing relationships of a different kind. She seems to think that having two primary "loves" is ok. I have to disagree with that.<BR>She also says, "There IS ENOUGH TIME IN ONE DAY to spend time together with both people that your wife loves dearly. dont make her chose b/c she cant, she loves you both....just make out some kind of arrangement WITH her!"<P>More to the point is that you and your wife realize that there is a God ordained design for these kinds of relationships. There is a hierarchy if you will. According to the Bible you are to be the top priority for your wife. Likewise she is to be your top priority. That does not mean you abandon the other people you love and perhaps have some responsibility for. Your wife must position her mother's needs after yours. That is not to say that a parent or sibling or child might not take top priority for a time because of illness, death or some other problem. Your mother-in-law must move into the shadows if she want's your marriage to be the best. I have the following set of priorities in my relationships:<P>God - this has to do with my personal realtionship with God not being active in church. It involves Bible study and prayer.<P>Wife - She is the one I promised to love and honor and care for. Many people place their children here and I feel that that is a mistake. I beleive that best thing I can do for my kids is to show them how much I love their mother by how I treat her.<P>Children - They are the gift that God has trusted me with. An awesome responsibilty and idescibable joy. (most of the time)<P>Christian Service - I beleive that what I do for the Kinfdom of God is far more important then any software I might develope during my career. I recognize that this aspect of my life can have eternal implications<P>Family - Mom, dad, brothers, sisters in-laws etc. This is a big deal because my wife comes from a huge (read over 300 members) extended family that are very close. I too come from a family of four and we all actually get along. This is not because we are great people but rather because we have all surrendered our lives and wills to God.<P>Work - Sorry but is often gets my tired time. I do my best at it given its place.<P>This is an incredible balancing act but until you have a plan or a model you will constantly be drifting without any direction in your life. This means I have to be intentional about spending time with my wife, my kids, my family, etc. A balanced life doesn't just happen and even though it is planned it can easily get knocked out of wack. <P>Communication with your wife is critical. You both need to talk about what your emotional needs are and you need to both be looking to each other to meet those needs.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 14, 1999).]