My story is a tad on the sad side...but arent we all....i married my senior year in HS to the absolute love of my life. He then joined military and was gone for one year. We moved finally together....he discovered drinking....then we divorced..like it didnt matter, like we were breaking up as we did in high school. Looking back there just wasnt any trying. I found my current husband during the break up and moved in one week after we met. Everything has been fine....we went through alot..together for years now. I found ex on internet...went to see him...and talked for hours..discovered what he has been doing for these past years and how he had matured from that boy into the man i had wanted him to be. I wanted so much to take him in my arms and love him....but i didnt. I am a mother now with my current husband and i love my husband. The problem i am dealing with every hour of every day is my feelings for my ex. I cant ignore them. I love him, want to talk and know how he is doing. I even considered leaving my current husband for him until he switched jobs. I have loved my ex for 11yrs now and my husband for 5. Why is my heart feeling such love for both men and how do i deal with it?I often wonder if i shouldve stayed and made it work with my ex...i know i shouldve ...he needed me and the guilt i feel for abandoning him is overwhelming. Any advice would be appreciated.

Brenda99,<P>Sounds like that would be a very tough situation to be in, to love two men. From my point of view I feel it would benifit you a great deal to try to get a grip on your emotions. Sometimes our emotions can take us on alot of dead-ends. You have been exploring all of the (what ifs) of your past and future. Could it possible be that your current husband isnt meeting all of your needs... which in turn is causing you to want to love your ex. I understand that you do have love and feeling for your ex and thats o.k to a certain point. You really need to sit back and take a good look at what is really going on. What I mean by that is......what is lacking in your marriage? There must be something wrong if you are constantly every minute of the day looking back to your ex..and wanting to love him also.<P>I know there can be alot of barried things in our heart that can cause alot of confusion regarding love.My best advice to you would be to (stop) and take a deep breath of fresh air, and ask yourself to be real honest with your feeling, stay true to your current husband!! find out what needs to be strenghthen in your marriage, work on communicating better your needs with your husband. Pull your self out of this emotional mess that has the potential of destroying your marriage. Dont throw away what you have now........violet1

Brenda - <BR>I totally understand how you feel 100% !! What a confusing feeling ... and so difficult to live with day in and day out. I too, married my first and only true love right after high school ... we too divorced due to his drinking problem (and infidelity while drunk) and the problems became overwhelming trying to handle along with my 2 small children. I divorced him and 3 years later remarried a man whom I love, too, and who is very good with my two children from my previous marriage and our one child together. I have NEVER let that underlying love for my ex go either. No matter how hard I try, how much I love husband, he is there ... stuck inside me ... and I too, have questioned and questioned if I did the right thing, if I should have given him a chance, if I divorced too hastily giving up on the problems. I was not sure if your child was from your ex or current husband ... mine are from ex so that our seeing each other continues on a fair amount of time basis ... almost daily. Unlike you (and probably for my own good!) I do not know anymore how my ex feels about me (other than we are good friends now) - because he is the type that would never be a part of breaking up my current year marriage. Its a strange circumstance ... but like you, everytime I see him (and its a lot) its just a flustering feeling inside of me that IS NOT going to go away. I try to hide it, pretend its not there, put it aside and close the door ... but I can't. I too, love my husband ... and have no intention of breaking apart our marriage ... I believe we will stay married forever, but its a tough situation to live in when the LOVE of our first love sits in our hearts. How are you handling this??? <BR>Interesting post! <BR>

Brenda99,<BR>I can relate because I have never forgotten about two other women that I have known. <P>The first was the lady I had a crush on from 4th grade to senior year. The last time I saw her I nearly melted but didn't act on the feelings because I am married and committed to doing it God's way. <P>The second lady is my ex-girlfriend, the only other person I have slept with. I called a mutual friend between the woamn and myself to let her know that I was thinking about her on her birthday. The friend said that I still remembered after such a long time. It is hard to forget the first person I was truly committed to marrying. If God had intended for it to work out between us, I would have married her.<P>It is Satan's attempt to get you to not do God's will. You must fight the temptation. Do God's will then enjoy the feelings that you have with your H. There is much greater joy and happiness in doing it God's way. The happiness is much more intense!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Brenda--<P>We never forget the first love of our lives. There's a poignance that remains with the memories, and a bit of fantasy too. <P>It's not your current reality though. My advice would be to lay it to rest in the past, as best you can, and remain true to your H. Let go of the guilt. You've seen your ex and he's doing just fine. Your H is your present, and your future. Talk to him about your feelings while reassuring him that you love him very much.

Professorg~speaking of God, my mom once told me that God only honors your first marriage. Is this true? Do youthink that is why i hold on to the feelings? i want to do the right thing. I just feel empty sometimes when i dont get to chat with ex....i NEED to know how he is. He has also said that he would drop everything in his life to have me back, he realizes that i am his only true love..and without me life is nothing.

Cyndy~im so glad to have anther woman understand what i am feeling. Im not nuts although all these feelings can leave me feeling crazy. Our differance is that you see your ex, i dont. we lived about 600 mil apart but he has wanted to fly up to see me...not yet......im smart enough to know that would lead to other things. When we saw one another for that 6hrs a year ago....we melted...just looking into the eyes of your first love....is "something you could understand".. We have admitted that we still love one another but he doesnt want me to get divorced.and if fact has tried to help our relationship. I want him as a friend if nothing else. It would kill me inside if i lost that, for that is all i have. I amSOOO happy to have read your post...please keep in touch.<BR>ps, how do you deal with seeing him so often? what do you see in his eyes?

Brenda and CNDY,<P>You are demonstrating the old saying that "misery loves company". If you both aren't miserable enough now just keep running your life based on how you feel and you will be more miserable soon. <P>CNDY you say "I have NEVER let that underlying love for my ex go either. No matter how hard I try, how much I love husband, he is there ... stuck inside me<P>This whole statement is a contradiction...you have never LET your feelings for him go. That is an act of the will. "NO matter how hard I try...he is there stuck inside me". That is something you can't control. So which is it something out of your control or something you wont admit that you want to hang on to.<P>Benda you say "my mom once told me that God only honors your first marriage. Is this true? Do you think that is why i hold on to the feelings? i want to do the right thing. <P>No God is love and wants to forgive you for all of your sin. Did you divorce outside of Gods plan. I can't say. The Bible allows divorce for adultery. Even if your first divorce was a sin you have made a new and sacred vow to your present husband. If your divorce was outside of Gods plan he will forgive you for that. God would not encourage you to abandon your present husband and break that vow. So you can't blame God for this one. You admit in this statement that YOU are holding these feeling. I thought that the feelings were holding you hostage. Your own words betray you. If you really do want to do the right thing God will help you manage (read ignore) these feelings you are having. If you ask for Help He will not disappoint.<P>Brenda you say "I amSOOO happy to have read your post...please keep in touch."<P>This is a bad idea. The worst thing you can do is to take advice from someone who is acting as foolishly and dangerously as you are. Rather you should talk more with Professorg who has taken important steps to safe guard his marriage. Finding another person that is headed in the same direction you are does not change the fact that you are heading in the wrong direction!<P>Brenda you say "ps, how do you deal with seeing him so often? what do you see in his eyes?" <P>This last statement reveals your true desire. You do not want these feelings to stop! You want to roll them around in your heart and mind. You want to be bathed in the "feelings". The problem is that these feelings will lead to more pain not joy! As I have stated to you on another board on this same subject you, and probably CNDY too, are seeking this because there are unmet emotional needs in your present marriage. Please, please please spend your time and energy on identifying and fixing those problems. That will strengthen your marriage. Pursuing this will destroy it!<BR> <P> <P>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 13, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 13, 1999).]

Mudder....<P>I couldnt have said it better myself. Your last post really said it all. I sure hope Brenda99 can get a clearer understanding of how these emotions are leading to misery(not Joy)It really can be a trap to connect with someone who is going through the same situation, and having the same emotions. What basically happens is Brenda99 will feel that all of her feelings are being justified, and its O.K. if you lean on someone who is going down the same road.Brenda99, Your Heavenly Father knows the path of life for you..Let go and Let God have his way in You......<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited October 13, 1999).]

Mudder -<BR>#1 - I have not let my ex husband know how I feel inside the entire 9 years of our divorce.<BR>#2 - we share 2 children. Its not like saying "don't see him" and just deal with visitation. I see the guy on a daily basis... he coaches BOTH my boys ball teams, goes to all their school events, attends every social event that I attend FOR THEM. So, your saying - exit out of his life which would be out of kids life too??<BR>#3 - your jumping to conclusions - I, in fact, have total control over my "actions" and would NEVER consider touching, talking intimately, or initiating other contact with my ex. I'm not stupid enough to get myself into that mess. In fact, he actually sits and talks to me and my husband every weekend at our sons football games. <BR>#4 - we are only talking about feelings here ... not emotional affairs (of course, we all have different opinions of these) - I don't desire to be with him sexually - won't be with him, but he IS there in my brain and I can't get it out. <BR>#5 - My ex does not Email me about ANYTHING personal other than our 2 kids, doesn't call my house to chat with me - but calls nightly and talks to the kids (or the husband) <BR>#6 - My husband comes first and will come first ... but these feelings and emotions ARE there and existant ... this ex of mine DID change his life for the better ... needless to say, I moved on, but let us at least express our feelings here without bashing us for having them. I have no desire to have an affair and think its disgusting ... as it happened to me already. <BR>

Brenda - <BR>I don't look into his eyes. (try not to) but when I do, I see an immature kid that is still living another life than he did when we were married before problems ...I see that hint of nontrust that his drinking COULD come back one day ... just like it started one day. But on the other hand, I see my kids father ..who loves them, spends time with them and tries as good as he knows to be a dad. Typically, when I see him, I am with my husband. I make it a point to try to have him around ... it stabilizes me for one reason or another. You probably feel differently than I - as in that I feel "what I do" for him because of my kids -- the connection that they have with him, the family, etc. In many, many ways, I wish we didn't have kids together to close that gap. It then would be like a death ... and I could accept the totality of him being OUT of my life. But he is there, existant, and my kids love him dearly so I have to deal with it. I know in my husband I got the better of the two worlds ... I have someone who is very faithful, caring, mature and responsible. He loves the homelife and the kids ... the ex loves the single life and all that goes with that. It hurts, yes, to see someone that you loved for almost 10 years doing those single things... but I try to bury that as "his loss" and not mine. Tough situation, but I do maintain a good friendship with him for the sake of my kids and he and my husband are on good terms too.

CNDY<P>Bravo - That is what I was talking about on the other board. You really do understand Brenda's feelings and now you are offering valuable advice and a healthy warning! Here you clearly state that without the kids as a connection you would cut the contact with the ex. You are on the right track!! I wish you the best. Oh by the way you might mention to your husband today how very special he is like you did in your post. It will likely make his and your day!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited October 14, 1999).]

Mudder - <BR>thanks ... I went into the deepest emotions after watching that movie last nite ... "Hope Floats" and the whole divorce issue got to me ... it brings back memories, and even though 9 years of memories were great ... one year of them were total hell. Its the kids that always brings the ex to mind ... knowing that they wanted a complete family ... living with mom and dad ... all one big happy family and movies like that ALWAYS get to me and make me wonder "should I have stayed and suffered for the kids". Thats what its all about. I think that in any down time .. a person tends to reflect on someone who they once shared happy times with (which we did) - but it is a reality of the day to day living that wakes me up enough to thank God for the blessings I have (my husband and stepdad for my kids now) and know that I have the best of both worlds. A good husband and an ex who still connects and cares for our children. I need to be more careful about sharing my emotions on "high emotional days". Thanks for your understanding.

Mudder~First off I wasnt taking advice from cndy, WE WERE SHARING HOW WE HAD COMMON FEELINGS OF THE EX....you blew what i said out of the water. I thought that i was the only one that had feelings deep within. I CANT help that my ex and i shared EVERYTHING... i left him so quickly...didnt even try...i was so young..and so was he... I now look at the man who has matured and tells me that his heart is full of me and he cant begin to love another b/c i am his one and only love. My now husband tells me he loves me....im not neglected..i just cant help that my insides have my ex in them. I hear songs that we danced to..our wedding...birthdays..in a way it is so hard to explain. My ex is my first to everything..first love..first lover...first husband..first friend. For years...then all the sudden i wanted the mature man, one that i loved everything about...now my present husband is very mature, works for our family, I dont know if its all from the stress of our disabled child or .....what....im doing it all alone and that cant be changed...I am stressed...but....the happy thoughts of his memories do make me smile. I just want to make sure i did the right thing....i dont want to make the same mistake again....im jsut confused..i dont want to be ridiculed...i just want someone to understnad and be helpful. That is what i like about cyndy..she told me she is in my shoes....just knowing im not alone is helpful...and please give me some credit for "she did it so will I"...im not a little girl.....I am much more.

Brenda,<P>I defer all advice on this topic to CNDY. But read carefully what she is telling you. It is the same thing that I have been trying to get across. I have reviewed my posts here and on the other board where you wrote about this and I do not see any venim or ridicule in my comments. If that is the way they came across I alopogize. CNDY has taken very careful steps to keep her feelings of fondness for her ex in check. If you read her posts carefully you will even see that she would not have any contact with her ex if it were not for the children they share. (Speak up if I am misrepresenting you CNDY) I don't think you have children with your ex. At least I haven't seen you post that you do. Therefore any contact with this man, or any man for which you have strong feeling is a real trap. Oops there I go again giving advice. Sorry. It's all yours CNDY!