I don't know what to do, maybe you guys can help me with this one. Naturally I come here to post because my marriage has it's fair share of problems. Now I think I may have a new one on my hands, but I'm not so sure about this. In the area of "s-e-x" we have never had many problems. The only which of my sex drive has never been as high as hers. I'm the type of guy who is like two time a week. She is the type to where she wants to every-other day. But I have always tried to accommodate her needs and have done what she wanted. If you read my original posts you will see that we have nearly had complete blowout nearly a year ago because she is a very controlling and sometimes abusive spouse, very hot-tempered. I have continually tried to meet her needs over the past few years, which would be more flowers, love notes, love letter, etc. And I have done a good job at it. However, I have noticed lately that I only get "I love you" in response if I say it. She doesn't want me to hold her, to kiss her, basically doesn't want affection from me. I confronted her the other night because she has been rejecting me in bed also, and she said she just didn't desire me sexually. She doesn't get turned on. Naturally I asked her 20 questions in a row and she just responded that she noticed a couple weeks ago that she didn't have a desire for sex with me. What is going on??? I'm extremely confused and the only thing I can think of is maybe it's just mother nature. She is 24 and I'm 29. When I was younger my drive was higher, maybe it's happening to her and it's no big deal. But maybe it is!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!11

txfiddler--<P>As your wife enters her mid-30's and 40's, her sex drive will probably increase. <P>What else has been going on that may have affected her sex drive? Stress? Tiredness? <P>Maybe she needs romance. Not necessarily affection, but to be wined and dined, to have your complete attention. To listen to her. Listen to what she's saying, she may give you clues as she talks about her day.

Well, we are pretty busy. Two young children, we both work. She goes to college full time. It can all add up. Maybe I'm being too "knee-jerky" right now. But no affection?? Come on! This has always been her hang up with me. I have always felt like I give her enough affection, however she argues otherwise. It has gotten much better and I have been trying to meet her needs and continue to try. But why would she react, say, when I come home from work and try to hug her and give her a kiss i get "Don't touch me." The other night before bed she said for me to sleep on my own side cause she didn't want me to attempt to have sex with her. I'm totally confused and feeling more rejected everyday!!

Dear TxFiddler:<BR>It sounds to me that she is again, being controlling in what SHE wants and not be considerate of your feelings. For her controlling behavior and her abusive side, she really needs to recognize those things are very damaging to her and to you and the relationship. Unfortunetly, your children will pick up on this and the vicious cycle will continue. Especially the abusive part. Your children do not need to see or learn this type of behavior from her. As far as sex, it could be that she is just tired and stressed out...kids, work, marriage...everything. Kids are alot of work to begin with and especially if they are both sick or both whinning all day. Try to hang in there, but, don't pressure her. Don't nag her. Don't chase after her. Sooner or later she'll come around. If you try nagging her or getting on her case or fighting with her about sex, it will only make her run the other way. Be patient. I may be off the deep end on this, but I don't think so...but, does she have bad PMS? I ask, is because I use to have it really bad and NOTHING helped me until I had my first child. But, I won't even go there if that is not her problem. If it is then I have alot to say about that. Have you noticed that her moods begin to change when she gets near her period? and then she is fine when she finally gets it? Something to think about if you don't know.

Thanks for the response Katya. Her moods always worsen when she gets close to her periods and she becomes very irritable and everything gets her peed off. This has been going on for a long time. I can't figure out if this is being done to me on purpose or out of spite. I'm so used to playing games with her, I feel that this may be one. But I will take your advice and try to be as cool as possible and not show any frustration. But how long should I wait? I have read way too many posts at this site of people who end up not having sex but once a year or even longer!! I'm worried that this could trigger something down the ways. But I'll stay cool for now. Thanks, and any more advice would be greatly appreciated!!

txfiddler,<P>Your wife is very young. I was thinking mid-life crisis, maybe, but she is obviously too young. You don't think she is interested in someone else, do you? The fact that she doesn't want you to touch her as even in a greeting kiss worries me. I understand that we women sometimes go through periods of not wanting sex. Does your greeting kiss often lead to sex? If so, then maybe that explains it. I can't imagine not wanting to feel my H. arms around me (unless I thought it would lead to sex when I wasn't in the mood). This is just my opinion though. The fact that she is going to collage is another red light to me. I hope I'm way off base. Anyway, take care.

Dear Txfiddler:<BR>Out of curiosity...Why play games with her?? Marriage is not about playing games and it tends to get pretty boring doing so, huh??? Why don't you just talk to her and tell her the way you feel and that the games and her behavior towards you has to stop. that you are not going to take anymore of it. That you need her as a wife, partner, lover and to work on the marriage with you and not against you...and to stop playing games. I know, she'll probably flip out. Then take her to a neutral place. Never talk to your partner at home. You need to go to a neutral place. Take her to a restaurant...well, unless you feel she'll flip over the tables.

Dear Txfiddler:<BR>Out of curiosity...Why play games with her?? Marriage is not about playing games and it tends to get pretty boring doing so, huh??? Why don't you just talk to her and tell her the way you feel and that the games and her behavior towards you has to stop. that you are not going to take anymore of it. That you need her as a wife, partner, lover and to work on the marriage with you and not against you...and to stop playing games. I know, she'll probably flip out. Then take her to a neutral place. Never talk to your partner at home. You need to go to a neutral place. Take her to a restaurant...well, unless you feel she'll flip over the tables.

Katya,<P>I think you may be on to something when you mentioned the PMS thing. I've told her in the past that when it's getting close to her "time" of the month that she goes off the deep end. Guess what? She just started, and has done a 180 on me. Everything is lovely in her eyes, I'm great according to her. Really, this does happen nearly every month, just about a week before it starts. But I'm not blaming or connecting this whole thing just to her monthly periods. Do you have any info for me?

txfiddler,<BR>I can be honest and say I sometimes don't want to have sex when it's about a week before my period for a few reasons...women retain a lot of water and feel fatter and not as appealing, some women get cramps (bad) and sex can make them worse, and sometimes women don't feel fresh or appealing overall.<BR>Those are just my opinions. Hope it helps.<BR>Stacey

Dear TxFiddler:<BR>Usually after a woman's first child the symptoms of the PMS lessens. However, insome cases in never goes away until menopause, which is a whole other issue in itself. However, Pms is a very hormonal thing. I know you have heard that before...but it's true. No it's not in our heads. Men seem to think there is nothing like pms and that women use it as an excuse, therefore, it does not exist. For me, let me tell you, I had it really really bad. A week before my period, I would be a completely different person and a basketcase. I know that I looked like a lunatic/possessed person everytime I would be getting it. This evilness would come out and I would do a sybil thing, change from being nasty to being nice to being nasty again in a matter of a half an hour to within hours. I knew most of the time the way I was acting, BUT, had NO control at all. It was like something took over my mind and body. I would have very bad bouts of anger and even become abusive if someone was pushing my buttons. Heaven knows, that was not the time to be doing something like that. I have gone to several doctors and tried different types of pills, but nothing helped. They all ended up saying that once I have my first child, my systom will change along with my hormones and it will go away. Guess what...it is true...for me. Once I gave birth to my first child, 3 years ago, I became this calmer, gentler, easy going type of person (the good side of me stayed now) and the bad side never has come back out. Since I had my first child, I never was abusive any longer. I know my poor husband, but, somehow he understood and stuck through all that. As a guy, you are probably having a hard time grasping this and maybe even accepting this. However, pms is related to hormones. Those damn hormones. They even got me in trouble when I was pregnant. But anyway, as for your wife, if this sounds like her, then she definetly has it. If I was you, I would stay clear away from her when you start to notice the change. During this time, if you don't, you will notice a big difference in her, her mood, her personality, being distant, not wanting sex or being touched, getting into arguments with you over really stupid stuff, etc. It is best to give her alot of rope and not interact too much with her. Also, wrong time to have a deep discussion or talk anything rationally with her. Because at this time, she is in a very irrational state of mind. She may switch from crying because she thinks you don't love her to being really pissed off at you because you forgot to get her a fork at dinner time. It's really crazy. I know. But, these are the things that I have gone through. At one point in my life, I remember sitting there on the floor, when I met my husband, crying hysterically because I did not want to live anymore like this. It was really a tough thing for my husband to watch me go through this. I just wanted to end my life and not go through this misery, this lunacy, this torture. If you know anything about art, the artist Munsch, painted a painting (very dark) that I connected with. Anyway, I hope this may explain your wife or not. Don't think of me as some wacko. I'm not. I just had a really really severe case of pms. I'm nothing like that anymore...thank God. I don't know if I would be here if I did. It's really a hard thing to ever describe to anyone and have them feel what I have felt and gone through unless they have gone there themselves. If only men knew half the s#@% we go through, maybe some would really appreciate us more. I hope I helped in some little way.

Well guys, like I said, things have gone pretty much back to the normal ways. But not completely. I strongly feel that this monthly period has something to do with her emotional rollercoaster rides, but something just hangs in the back of my mind that there could be something more. I know that we have sustained serious damage to our relationship a year ago. But she resents me for things that I cannot control. That was a year ago!! I can't make her let go and look forward into the future, only she can do that. I guess I just have to live with her not forgiving nor forgetting.

My wife is currently undergoing hormonal testing through a chiropractor, of all people. This particular doctor is big into homeopathic, natural healing. It may be something to look into for anyone with raging hormones. The treatment they use involves natural supplements and such, vs. drugs. I know PMS is real; I've watched my W go through it too many times to believe its imagined. It finally got so bad she sought medical attention. She's hoping her chemistry is out of whack and is easy to treat, as opposed to being borderline or correct, leaving fewer explanations for her urge to break things or mourn. I'm hoping for the same, for the same reasons, as well as hoping its the cause for me hanging around a site called MarriageBuilders. I don't want her to suffer and I don't want to suffer, either.

Txfiddler:<BR>??????????????????????

Katya,<P>thanks for your posts and good information. When that time comes along each month I will step back and not take it so personal. I seem to always get good advice from you guys!!!