My problem is my husband of 23 years decided he doesn't love me anymore in the way a husband should. He says he still loves me and cares for me but more like a friend or a brother. He does have an internet girlfriend, mostly they talk on the phone every day.He says he needs his privacy to be able to talk to her. My husband has struggled with depression for 5 years and is in therapy and goes to al-anon since he was raised by an alcoholic father and is also taking antidepressant medication. Is there any hope for us? I am at a loss as to what to do because he says he sees us headed for divorce.<P>------------------<BR>joanne<BR>

Hi Joanne<P>I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through something more or less the same myself, and I know how painful it can be. One advantage you have over most of us is that your husband's activities are out in the open -- most people carry this stuff on in secret and it's only later you find out. This gives you a chance to do something about it. Read the Harley stuff here and try to put the concepts into practice. This stuff really does help you pry them away from the OP and get them to focus on the marriage, as many here will tell you. <P>I was lucky, when I asked my H to give up his internet girlfriend, he did it (with only 2 slip-ups). It's been a long road but I think we're getting there (9 months since disclosure). I hope your H will do the same! <P>Good luck and keep posting

Hello Christalle,<BR>Thank you for the words of encouragement, I do have Harleys books, that is how i found the website. So far the husband doesn't feel he should have to give up "the friend" because I have told him this hurts me and he says hes sorry I feel this way and goes ahead and does what he wants. How can one person follow the policy of joint agreement when only one follows through? <P>------------------<BR>joanne<BR>

Hi joanne -- me again, with a small name change <P>If your H refuses to participate then you have to try another tactic. Have you checked out the book "How one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page? It's all about leading by example, and working on the marriage alone until the other spouse wakes up -- which she assures will happen.<P>It's a good book. When I've tried this stuff, it has worked...but I rarely have the resolve to stick to one method long enough! <P>Hope this helps, and hang in there

Joanne, <BR>I don't want to come across as being harsh but my God your H sounds like one hell of a selfish SOB...and I thought my W was bad...geez! Sounds to me like there's more to this than you may know about...??? Is he really that heartless to you? There's got to be more to it, he sounds to far into it. I sure wish I could help you, but I really don't have a clue at this moment as to how to go about it. Give me a few and I'll try and think up something.<P>Good luck.

Dear JoAnne:<BR>Since it's been 23 years that the both of you have been married, maybe it's gotten stale for him and you. Sometimes, being married that long, people think that you don't have to keep trying in the marriage. The trying should never stop and I think that is what may be a problem. He has now found someone that he talks to that brings out the little boy, the laughter, the emotions and feelings that were hidden under a rock, possibly for so long. I am not saying this is your fault. He probably discovered this talking to her and likes the feeling of all these different emotions and thoughts, etc. It's not too late. I just want to tell you again, that it is not your fault. He really needs to stop this with the ow and concentrate on you and him. He probably thinks that he cannot ever have that kind of relationship with you, but, you can show him differently. Think back of when the both of you started dating. I know it;s along time, but, think of how much fun the both of you had. The laughs you had. Try to do those things now. Plan things, fun things..go to a comedy club and laugh together...rent a comedy movie and eat popcorn and laugh together. Create new memories that would be fun, exciting. Dress up one night in something very sexy, create a sexual atmosphere..buy bodypaints and have fun!!! Take a bath together with Mr. Bubble and then have a bath fight in the bathroom! Do silly things together or to each other...if he reads the paper, cut a hole in the paper on one of the pages inside and stick a picture of your face in it (scotch tape it from behind) and draw a line from your mouth and say something that is funny that you know would make him laugh. (I just made all this up). Make sure that you don't do it on his pages that he reads. Do it on an advertisement page. There are loads of things that you can do. If you need help, you know where to find me. I hope this helps. But, again, I don't want you to feel that it's your fault. You now need to become exciting, bubbly, and creative in the marriage department since he is too busy to pay attention to what he is doing to you and the marriage.

Hello again and thank you all for replying to my post, Christalle l,blues and katya. <BR>yes i saw the book at the bookstore and i plan to go buy that now. I am like you christalle, or similar anyway it seeems I have read a lot of self help books and try to apply all the good from all of them. Blues as far as my H being an SOB I know this sounds bad, his rationale is that he never did things for himself before, so hes starting now to do what makes him happy. To give you a little history, I should have posted this on the infidelity post, originally . This scenerio isn't a new one.<BR>He had an emotional affair with my best friend 5 years ago, which progressed into some physical. All of that has been forgiven,<BR>(not forgottten) and I see him heading down that road again, which is scary.<BR>Kayta . thanx for the suggestions, one thing I have been working on is pleasant recreational time with the H which he has agreed to and maybe thats what he neeeeds to laugh and have more fun with me. <BR>My problem really is I don't know how much to tolerate of all this, him talking to his net sweetie on the phone everyday. (last night they talked for an hour) right after he got home, while i was making dinner and getting hungrier and hungrier from waiting.<BR>To make this all the more interesting, he talks about her to me somewhat, shes in a rehab for stress at the moment,a lockup places because of HER marital problems. I am sorry this is so long and probably doesn't make sense but it helps me vent.<P>------------------<BR>joanne<BR>

Hello out there, <BR>Just an update, things are getting worse for my family. Husband now says he definetly wants divorce, I still do not. Our home life is much more tranquil but I still feel so much pain over all this. We are spending recreational time together more, which is making us both feel somewhat better. I am reading the book by Susan Page," How one of you can bring the two of you together" and am practicing some of her concepts. I am relying on my faith in God right now to get me through whatever the future holds for us. <BR>This is so confusing him still wanting me as a friend but not as a partner or lover anymore. Husband is wanting me to become more independent so I can take care of myself after he is gone. Please if you have any words of encouragement, please post. I have also started taking antidepressants too to assist me in this difficult time.<P>------------------<BR>joanne<BR>

Joanne-<P>I know there are other issues and elements of your marriage that are sure to be important and have an impact on where and how you move forward.<P>A book you and your H both may want to read by Peter D. Kramer. Dr. Kramer is an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University and has a private practice in Providence. Should You Leave?...is a very good book that explores intimacy and autonomy and the nature of advice. Depression and how it can arise from a marriage is discussed by Kramer. The book cleary points out that people in unsatisfying marriages tend to be depressed. Kramer firmly believes that, "Any account of troubled couples that omits an understanding of depression is on its face inadequate. ...the combination of marital disaffection and mood disorder is exceedingly common"<P>Not a quick fix but may help you in your quest to address your marriage issues.<BR> Title: Should You Leave?<BR> Author: Peter D. Kramer<BR> Pub: Scribner<P>