My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs. 2 yrs ago he met a girl on chat and he left his family for a week to go meet her, while he was gone, a friend came over and found at least 100 saved porno pics, we have gotton past that and things have been great, about 2 months ago, I found more porn pics, We had made a promise not to hurt each other like this, during this time he was doing this, he swore to me that I had nothing to worry about, I find it so hard to beleive anything he says and I'm afraid if I invest another couple years of our relationship, he will go and do this again, What do you think? He says he doesn't know why he does it, we have a great sex life, well at least I thought? He said he is not as bad as he use to be because he use to masturbate, I am so against all the pornography, regardless if he is not doing it, I still can't stand the fact that he is not only attracted to me, and when you vow to marry its because you want no other. Do you think we will get past this or just go our separate ways? How can I deal with this, I find it hard to go through the day with a smile on my face, these past 2 yrs. we have been the closest we have ever been and he still betrayed me Am I married to a dog?<P>------------------<BR>

looks to me like he enjoys porn.. is it just an the issue of his likeing it and you not liking it? if that's the case, let him enjoy himself. if it's another issue, like porn. taking away from your sexual relationship, try to understand why he prefers porn to marital sex.<BR>this is a common issue. isn't it strange that we never hear from men complaning about their wife getting into porn.. i think it is literally a man thing.

Frankie I couldn't disagree with you more. Porn destroys the self-esteem of a spouse. It is not just a harmless activity that men participate in. How could a women possibly just live with it when you constantly compare yourself to the women in the porn. The bible talks about not lusting after other women that its a sin even if you lust in your heart. If men are looking at other women in porn how could they not fantasize about them? It's destructive to the marriage relationship,and if women did the same thing you men would feel just as inadequte as it makes us feel.

robin95 I feel your pain, I to found out my husband had been viewing porn, and I was so hurt. Maybe some men are just thick to think that this wouldn't cut to the heart of their wife. I suggest you tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you will support him in getting help for his need for this,but I would also explain to him how very hurtful this is to you, make him feel your pain. I have told my husband that I will not compromise on this issue if he feels the need to continue to use porn when he knows how this hurts me then we have no relationship. Love is suppose to be mindful of the other persons feelings. Smile robin its not about you its about him. I'm sorry if I sound hostile about this subject but our society is saturated with this garbage and unfortunately it is trickeling down to our children. My daughter and son have received unsolicited porn over the internet and when they tried to get out of it, it would send them to another sight.

Thank You so much Forgetmenot, I really appreciate it, my feeling exactly 2 years ago when this all started we made a promise to each other never to hurt one another again, I haven't excatly been perfect myself, what hurts the most is that we were closer now than we ever have been and he knew if he did that again that our relationship would be over, everyday he told me I had nothing to worry about and did this behind my back, he tells me the same thing now and its hard to beleive him. He has been doing everything he can to show me, even reading books on how to improve our marriage, I am a little more at ease now, I guess time heals everything, but it still hurts to feel that he would through me away for a picture of a nude chick.

Hi Robin95,<P>I have been where you are. About 14 years ago at the beginning of my marriage, I first found my H's obssession with porn. I have lived with this problem in my marriage for the past 13 years, and remained in the dark about it for years due to society saying that porn is OK, etc. Porn is not OK and anyone who says it is is in denial.<P>If porn is affecting your marriage at all, it is a problem which needs addressing with healthy tools not co-addictive behavior like letting him look at it as if it has no bearing on your marriage like some say to do.<P>You can read more about sex addiction (yes, porn addiction is a form of sex addiction) and I encourage you to do so in books and on the net.<P>Ppl often think that porn is OK, socially, morally, etc. Well, don't let society or anyone tell you it is, because it is NOT. There are more problems caused by porn in this country than we will ever know because of the socially accepted way it is talked about. Don't let society tell you that your gut feelings about this are wrong.<P>Do the research, read up on it, then make an informed decision of your own.<P>You can find more information about sexual addiction and resources for healing it at:<P>From the leaders in sexual addictions of all kinds:<P>Patrick Carnes: <A HREF="http://www.sexhelp.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexhelp.com/</A> <P>Doug Weiss: <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com/</A> <P><BR>Christian and other resources:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.christians-in-recovery.org/resources/faq/sexadd.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.christians-in-recovery.org/resources/faq/sexadd.html</A> <P><BR>And a great resource to start recovering and healing your marriage is: <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> <P>There are many more resources for this problem, but you will find them at the above sites if you search them thoroughly.<P>You can also email me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com<P>Hugsnprayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)

Thank you so much Thoughtful, my husband has known how I feel about this when we first met, he says he has changed his view and will never look at that stuff again, all I can do is hope he sticks to his guns this time, I will go check out those sites with him, thank you very much, I really appreciate it

Hi Robin,<P>Glad to have had the resources you needed. Email me if you need to talk. <P>Good luck!!<P>Thoughts and hugz,<BR>Deb (thoughtful)<BR>

I'm not sure if I'm posting to the right board or not, but any help is appreciated. My husband has depression with severe anxiety disorder. On top of this he has extreme insomnia (verified by his parents to be a lifelong condition). He also seems to have endless health problems. The most recent being bulged discs in his back which kept him off work for 4 months this year. During that time, he became increasingly more dependent on alcohol, more often than not drinking himself into a blackout. In addition to all of the prescribed meds for existing and recent problems. (When he can't sleep he gets on the computer) In these periods he began several online relationships which were not all "innocent" and even told one lady his wife was dead. (Some "not so nice" pictures were exchanged, of him and them). These were all hidden from me until he blacked out and forgot to close everything out. I confronted him and he agreed to drink less, get a grip, and quit talking to the other women. I think he really tried for a while but 2 months later he was back talking to them and trying to hide it. He swears he doesn't remember doing any of this stuff (because of the blackouts? or convenient amnesia? I'm not sure). I have to make sure he gets up for work, even if it means coming home from my job; I have to make sure he doesn't pass out with a cigarette and burn something up; I have to make sure he doesn't pass out and physically hurt himself. I don't know how much more of the roller coaster I can take. I have very strong religious beliefs regarding marriage and divorce and since this is my second marriage (the first husband cheated), I don't want to jeopardize my spiritual soul by an unscriptural divorce. To add to the difficulty, we just recently moved 200 miles from my home and I'm virtually alone, with the exception of 2 or 3 very concerned co-workers. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, but I am in desperate need of a support network. Any comments, suggestions, ideas are more than welcome. All prayers appreciated. Thank you all for taking the time to read my ongoing saga.<P><P>------------------<BR>RedRomp

RedRomp--<P>I don't know if my question will help or hinder, but.....<P>Is it your belief that your second H is NOT cheating?<P>Think about it.

Thanks Lucks for the input.<P>I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I'm not sure. Traditional cheating I understand, it's the new techno-cheating that I'm not sure how to categorize. He hasn't physically done anything with them or anyone else IRL, but I believe the desires were/are there (online) which I consider emotional cheating.....See...I'm not sure of anything. I'm just searching for as much input as I can get to view my situation from as many angles as I can. Any more comments? They're certainly welcome.<BR><P>------------------<BR>RedRomp<BR>

Hi Redromp,<P>There are online support groups for women who are partners of addicted spouses. You can also find many resources on the web. Read earlier in this thread for links that I posted.<P>The use of cyberporn which is what your H has been exchanging with willing people off of the internet is an addiction just like when a spouse uses masturbation, printed pornography, video porn, phone sex, prostitutes, massage parlours, and other women instead of seeking intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual) with the spouse.<P>If you need resource information, feel free to email me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com (Anyone who wants information can email me!)<P>I have been dealing with many of these issues in my 14 year old marriage. My H and I have finally found a way to recover from our past and current problems. There is more information available about this at <A HREF="http://weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://weinholds.org/</A> <P>Even Willard Harley admits that he cannot counsel with a couple until the addictions have been dealt with (read his Question and answer section on this website and his books if you want to know where he says this).<P>I wish you all the luck in the world. Know that there are other women out here with similar experiences and that there is a way to get through this and get past it to live a healthy whole life.<P>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<BR>

Thank you thoughtful. I have carefully considered the information that you posted and will definitely be doing my research. I have however, at this point, made a decision to get out of my situation. As anyone can probably tell from my original post, porn is NOT my H only addiction. In the last week, I have started to put pieces of the puzzle together that I never saw. Of course, they were always there, right under my nose, but I chose to overlook them. As a life pattern, my husband has a living problem. He cannot cope with the stresses of life and will, in my opinion, always need a crutch of some kind. Right now, it's alcohol and porn. I believe that he is a good person, but I believe that he has a serious problem that I cannot affect one way or another. I have not told him of my decision and am praying for an answer as to how to tell him. At this point, God has opened several doors of freedom and revelation for me and I am doing my best to let God lead the way. I have adopted the motto "I'll do my best and let God do the rest."