This has been a recurrent problem throughout the course of our 4-year relationship. My SO is a custodial parent with a guilt complex re: his children/divorce, so I wasn't too surprised when it became clear he would always put his children before me. In fact, many advised me that this was a sign of a great guy. However, in subsequent years (and increasingly), I see him putting not only his children, but his job, boss, coworkers, and extended family before me. He's an easy-going, nice guy who hates to say no to anyone and often bends over backwards to accomodate and please these people, yet he seems to have no trouble saying no to me. He's often "too busy" pleasing everyone else to nurture our relationship (I try not to be demanding, but he often ends up neglecting my needs to fulfill other people's wishes). The few times I've managed to break up w/ him for this reason, he's begged me to come back, promising to change, but we're soon back in the old pattern. Despite this behavior, I believe, deep down, that he really cares; however, his forever putting me on the back burner makes me wonder just how much. I usually end up angry, whining and nagging, which only alienates him. Since I can only change myself, how can I best handle this problem? Any input most appreciated!! <P>

Dear Quandry:<BR>My husband is sort of like this, but, not in a disrespectful way towards me. My husband will also bend over backwards to please or do anything for anyone. It sounds like your SO is in the same boat with my husband and that they both have low self-esteem. Both have to prove to other people that they are really great guys (they are) but, because of the self-esteem problem, they are in constant need of fulfilling the wanting of everyone to like them. It's not that your SO thinks any less of you. It's just that he has you. He knows you love him. He doesn't have to go overboard and try to win you over by doing things for you because he knows you love him. With other people, it's a different story. He is constantly worrying about what people think about him. Right? That is my husband. Even though I tell him, who cares. It doesn't matter because of his low self-esteem. It's nothing personal...so don't worry. The only one who can fix his low-self esteem problem is him, not you. Hang in there.

Any nice guy ends up in that situation. Because he is a nice guy, other people want him around just as much as you do.<P>I have another point of view. I think we can see that you want him around. But so do his kids. So do his parents, his family, his boss, his friends, and his teammates.<P>Balance requires that he attend to all of these people. There is no priority list, with the exception of children as they are extremely dependent on their parents. They all have as much right to his attention as you do. Plus, my guess is he actually enjoys all that visiting and helping. So it's good for him too.<P>But I have met a lot of people who go through relationships trying to figure out if they are the "priority" in their partner's life. It's an upward cycle, because the more someone gives up their own life to take care of somebody else's "needs", the less time they have to meet their own. And then the expectations rise anyway. It goes from one day a week, to two days a week, to four, and finally not a second to spare you can't get away from your partner for a single frigging minute all week!!!!! Then he snaps, has an affair, and the relationship ends. Either that or the one doing the asking decides it just isn't enough, I need 9 days a week, so I need another person to pitch in 2 more days, and has the affair. But I digress. I don't think a relationship can be successful if there is some expectation of priority when considering family and children.<P>If you want to see him more, I suggest you go with him when he goes to his friend's to help do something or another. Go with him when he goes to his parent's to visit. Maybe even go now and again when he has his kids and get to know them. If you want to see him Friday, ask him for a date (in advance) and take him to dinner. After all, if it's your need, you need to take ownership of seeing it met. He might not even know.<P>Myself, I think I would rather be with a generous person who is well loved by family and friends than someone who seems to have an extraordinary amount of "free time". All those people in his life make a good character reference. Someone who doesn't have friends and family they talk to frequently, well, there is usually a reason. And I wouldn't want to be the one to find out what it is.<P>So, that's a possible alternate explanation to "low-self-esteem". What is that anyway? The automatic kettle doesn't boil any more? What ever it is, I don't think it's appropriate to use it as a catch all to explain everything that somebody else does that we don't like. It could just be that he has a valid point of view too, and neither one of you is listening to the other.<P>I mean, if my girlfriend asked me to make her a priority over my kids and my family, I'd give her a quick "thank you and goodbye". My kids and my family have always been there for me. My friends have been with me through 11 years of "prioritizing" a demanding wife and seconding them. Once my ex left (er, kicked my non-prioritizing rear end out of there), low and behold, my friends and family were still there to pick up the pieces. People I had ignored so long, I couldn't believe it when they came out of the woodwork to help. That's a lesson I have never forgotten and never will.<BR>