I have been married to my husband for 3years. This is both our second marriages. My problem is that my husband is a computer addict. He turns the computer on 1st thing in the morning, is on a computer all day at work, comes home from work and turns it on again. He leaves it to come to dinner , then goes right back on again when he is done. Sometimes he is on it until way after I go to sleep.<BR>We are going for counseling right now about our relationship. I have told him many, many, many times how I feel about this. He stops for a little while, and then goes right back to it again. He has had a affair over the computer , that carried over to calls at work from the other woman. I know when he is on the computer at home he is not in any chat rooms, but I am not sure about work or if he has another e-mail address at work. I am just sick of this. I do not feel loved or worth a darn. Has this happened to anyone else and what have you done about it? Am I being selfish wanting him to stay off of the computer so much?

iam_43,<P>Keep in mind, you can't change others, only want to make them them change for you. Having said that, I was once like your husband, stuck to my computer, but never with affairs or porn etc. I was involved to an online game which met one of my most important needs and that was recreational companionship. Obviously, it didn't just happen and there were other aspects on both sides of the fence which may have caused me to seek that need in that manner, but what it boils down to is that it needs to be fixed.<P>You said you have told your husband "many,many,many times" that you didn't like it. My guess is that he sees it as nagging and will bend to your wishes for a while, but the fact he goes back to it is a sure sign of where you are lacking. His actions are telling you there is something wrong and instead of trying to get to the bottom of it and fix it, you deal with it by simply telling him it bothers you instead of trying to fix the cause of the problem, you simply pour salt in the wound. <P>I am sorry if this is comming across harsh, but if you love this man and value your marriage,<B>YOU</B> must act now. Nagging has not worked so far by your own admission, so stop doing it and fix the problem. I know, you are saying - 'that is so unfair, I have needs too', but the simple fact is that he may be beyond the point of reason, he may be unwilling to budge and if you want to pull out of your rutt, <B>you</B> are going to have to fix it yourself. Love is contagious, you have to make yourself more desireable than the time he spends on the computer and until you do that he will not change.<P>I missed the signs in my marriage, I sat on my [censored] to long and am now seperated. I am in the same boat you are in a sence. I didn't want to change, it was unfair and I had needs to be met as well, but the cold hard truth is that if you want things to work, you better get cracking, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Now you want fairness and for him to give in to your demands, but logic will never prevail. Make yourself irrisistable to him by doing the things he needs most.<P>Familiarize yourself with this site and all of the good advice in it. Get Dr. Harleys books, 'his needs her needs' and 'give and take', use them as tools to change yourself. Above all else, no matter who is wrong or who is right, remember that this one sided endeavour will likely turn around, and the rewards you will get should far outweigh the effort you put into it.<P>Zyg.<p>[This message has been edited by Zyg (edited October 14, 1999).]