I would like to hear from others that may have gone through the same scenario I did:<BR>I married a woman that I did not know was very insecure about herself, thereby she gave what I thought was love, with an abundance I had never seen. Today, I know that she always gave throughout her whole life just to be accepted!<P>Bad luck for me, as she woke up after we were married. She started going to the gym and it became a habit (all extremes are bad)to the point that you would swear she was going through withdrawals when she didn't go on a given day. One day she arrived at home in a somber mood and told me that she regreted all of the abundant giving because her self-esteem was so low and she needed acceptance.<P>My first thought was that it was a great revelation and a life-long poison had been released. She told me that she regreted all of the men from her past for taking advantage of her problem. Again, I was happy to see her revelation...but then I began to think and really hoped that I would not be thrown into the same garbage can she figuratively threw the other men into. Again, my bad luck and my assumption came true. A good man and I know that the best man she ever met was about to be thrown into the rest of the garbage.<P>Time past and as she got more into herself, she began to drift away from the relationship. I brought up the point many times but to no avail, she was on a rampage of self-centered delight...one she had never experienced before.<P>There's nothing wrong with the gym and staying in shape, but it can become an obcession that I saw destroy my marriage. It's a combination of the gym and the results of looking better / feeling better and being able to always remember the commitments they have made to others. I've never in my life seen society accepting the "me" mentality so openly, especially for those that are in relationships.<P>A couple of years ago I communicated with Dr. Harley about this matter and he thought he would wtite a column (Q&A) on the subject as it was becoming more common. He was not able to but I can tell everyone that I have at leats 5 friends that have gone through the same with a variation of results. Infidelity, lack of commitment, self-centered reactions from their spouses destroyed their marriages and all of them had the problem with the gym.<P>Let me know if this should be posted in another part of the forum.<P>

I have been separated for 2 months from my husband. It has been practically unbearable at times. I was forced into the situation and didn't know what else to do.<BR>Like your wife, I go to the gym daily for about an hour or an hour and a half. I can admit that I use the gym as a refuge from my problems and my relationship, but I'm not obsessed. I do want to look and feel better, which I do, but I'm not trying to gain acceptance. Instead of discounting your wife for releasing through fitness, maybe you should try to join her and understand what she is going through. Maybe you aren't understanding the importance of her daily ritual workouts. There are 24 hours in a day. I'm sure she doesn't spend all 24 there. <BR>Sadly, I began working out as a way to improve my marriage. I wanted to join my husband and see what he liked about the gym. A month later we separated, but I've stuck with my workouts. If anything, it gives me something to do in the evenings instead of dwelling on the inevitable.

Thanks for your response, as this doesn't seem to generate much interest from others in this group.<P>You make some valid points, but I think the gym is a minor part of the overall picture in my situation. It's just a focal point of what helped her feel better about herself. In that way it was very good for her, aside from the fact that it is healthy.<P>The problem for me is that I became stuck in the middle of a life-long revelation of hers and was lumped into the troubled past she wished to leave behind. It's one of those situations where you are unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't think it matters if it was me or any other man in that position...she needed to break out.<P>Although I have defects like any other human being, my conscience is clean as it relates to our marriage's demise. It still feels lousy as any broken dream in life hurts, but fortunately I think I'm over the most difficult part.<P>By the way, I did go to the gym for several years and now work out at home with a full set of equipment. You have to admit that when a marriage is in trouble, the gym is really not the place to go to alone. If ever there are chances of one falling into infidelity (they say everyone has the right moment and the right time), that concentrated little place full of egos at their highest is not the place to be.<P>Believe it or not, one of the reasons I work out at home is to avoid any temptations as there always were. I'm very old-fashioned with that matter and I figured that while married, I would live up to my promises. After marriage...to each his own.<P>Sorry you have gome through your problems. I know it's very hard, especially in the beginning. I have a great article, which is exerpts from a book about Divorce and the Crazy Time in dealing with it. I don't know if you're that far along, but Stacey it describes those feelings that you mentioned in your message. Believe me you will identify with the article; I've read it countless times to assure that certain feelings you go through are normal.<BR>

Hi guys!<P>What's this about people not responding? It's true of course, but that is because you posted under "other topics". Most of the people here are dealing with "infidelity".<P>This is an interesting subject you raise about "self-centeredness". It's a common problem. The 7 Habits talks about it quite a bit and I like that treatment. But there are other discussions all over the world of psychology.<P>I'm not well read enough to say I'm know much about it, but the limited information I have leads me to conclude the following:<P>- All people go through phases as they grow.<BR>- In the early phases people are very concerned with what others think, and that guides there behavior. It's a survival mechanism from child hood.<BR>- As we grow, we go through a rebellious phase, in which what other people think becomes the exact opposite of what we want. It's kind of how we discover who we are. Most people do it as teenagers. How ever, with all the fell-good education and lack of parenting these days, a lot of teenagers don't have anything to rebel against. For that or other reasons, a lot of people, especially those who married young, don't do the rebellion thing until much later in life.<BR>- If you are married to someone who is going through a rebellious phase, you will bear the brunt of it. They don't have any parents or teachers left to rebel against, so by default…<BR>- After people go through the rebellious phase, they usually start to see why the might want to hold certain morals for their own benefit, rather than because they are expected to.<BR>- Once it's over, which could be years from now, they could be pretty much the same person you thought they were, only with a sense of self. But you will probably be divorced by then.<BR>- You never know, lots of people get back together, even if they divorce. It could be next year or 5 years from now. It won't be next month.<BR>- Any attempt you (if you are the focus of the rebellious phase) make to help or persuade will have exactly the opposite effect. They will naturally do the exact opposite of everything you want. Time to act like your dad did all those years you were running around and just let them go. You can still be there when they want to come home, but you can't set the curfew.<P><BR>

Very spot on in many ways. Sounds like you went through this scenario before "nonplused". What the hell is really going on...have you figured it out? <P>I like your other fascetious comment about being in the wrong area, i.e. everyone is in the "infidelity" area! Isn't it true though, as much as it hurts! I think most people need a big shock to bring them back to reality...usually too late to do anything about it!<P>Thanks for your comments.

I, unfortunatly, have always been insecure.<BR>I had my first son(who is deaf) at 18, married his father who was verbaly abusive(made me feel I was never good enough)and had two more son's by the time I was 25. I love my kids with all my heart, but I had a tough load to carry. <P>My husband was always into fitness and I wanted to be part of every aspect of his life so I to became a "fitness buff". Going to the gym was my only refuge from all the things I had to deal with. I went because I felt energized and good about myself. It was never an obbsession until recently.<P>My relationship has been to hell and back recently(alot of betrayal and lies, even more since my first post). With this last crisis in my marriage I lost 15lbs. I became obssesed with having the perfect body. I figured I wasnt thin enough or buff enough, and I wanted to be my H fantasy women. Well, my obsession back fired. My husband said Im too thin and he my breasts are too small for him now! What next...breast implants!!<P>I guess I wanted control of something in my life and I figured I could "control" my body. <BR>Being fit is not an easy task. It takes major commitment and will power. I figured I was doing what alot of people find difficult to do and that was a ego trip for me. <P>Im doing it for all the wrong reasons now. Years ago it made me a better mom and wife. Now it rules my life. Maybe it is a way to self sabotage "me" by confirming to myself..."See, Im not good enough, and I will never be good enough, so dont love me". Im looking for acceptance thru my "physique" and not "me". I know that now and Im working thru it. Hopefully some of my own insight will have helped. <P>"To thyne own self be true"....hardest thing I have ever done.

Caron, your last paragraph, "I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons now. Years ago it made me a better mom and wife. Now it rules my life. Maybe it is a way to self sabotage "me" by confirming to myself..."See, I'm not good enough, and I will never be good enough, so don't love me". I'm looking for acceptance thru my "physique" and not "me". I know that now and I'm working thru it. Hopefully some of my own insight will have helped." Is exactly what I hoped to hear from my wife. She went from one extreme to the other and never realized that she was looking for acceptance when I met her and is still looking for acceptance…just in a different way! The problem is that I accepted her 100% but it's just not enough to make up for all of the hell she has put herself through for so many years.<P>Caron, you are good enough and don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't without a very detailed and rational explanation. Good enough is at the mercy of perception.<P>"Go the Extra Mile, It's never crowded"<P>