Hello All,


Welcome Country Momma. I read your story, but I'm concerned if you really dug down to the problem yet? Not for just the sake of putting your marriage back together, but learning where things went wrong so even if there was a DV, would you repeat the same things again in the next relationship? Not saying anything was your fault, but Plan A is working on you? Has he noticed anything diff about you that causes him to pause and rethink his decision?

It don't sound like your marriage has to be over and it's worth a try. The only way to be effective is to get the facts and know if there is an OW. Exposure will bring peace....Don't walk through the door of DV if you don't have to, it's not what people think, unless you're getting abused or something....It's better to rebuild than to tear down if all possible...

To answer your question how long does the process take? As Avondale said, every State is different. I'll give you an example of what I've experinced from FL ....

First there is a petition filed..
Then you get a copy served by a Sheriff and have to file an answer in so many days otherwise you default....

Then after your answer is sent back to the court you are notified of the court date. This whole process could take up to 3-6 months, it's all based on how fast the clerk of court is moving and how fast the Sheriff is moving and if there are attorneys involved,kids and property, etc...

Then once you get your court date, that date could be up to 6-12 months away, it depends how busy the court is.....


Me: Not much new....I found out that exw and the Judge have been conversing secretly off the record trying to get around the law...As I said it's a crooked court system...They're trying to get me in a hearing without going through all the legal procedure, thinking I'm going to do as they say...so much for that...

Anyway, in my legal studies, I've learned a new legal term. This legal term is so powerful that courts are starting to abolish it because it can stop some legal processes involving money dead in it's tracks, it called " Laches". You can use it or become a victim of it, depending on your issue. It's a two edge sword...

Take Care

Hey all,

Life has been very busy for me the last few weeks... and it doesn't seem to be getting any slower paced anytime soon.

Country Mama...

Welcome to the "Tough Love" thread, sorry that your here... but it's a good place to be when your in the circumstance your in.

I think EC, summed it up pretty good about the timing and such, of how long it all can take.

I have a question for you... why did you and your "H" decide to sell your house and not purchase another one as of yet?

Have you spoken to an attorney as of yet. Your "H" may not have said the "D" word yet... but I would prepare for it anyway, just in case. It's better to be prepared for anything that may come your way rather than getting caught off guard if he decides he is going to go through with the "D".

relady...

I have not read the thread you spoke of, but I have read all of the Harley info, on this site, and then some... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have a pretty good idea where your going with this... and you maybe right... I may need to rethink the whole situation before it is all said and done with. In fact, we almost broke it off last week, because she says she doesn't get a chance to see as much of me as she would like.

I told her, this is my situation here, and it appears that this is your situation there... and neither one us can make any changes right now in order to see each other as much as she would like to. It was basically stated to her that I will try to make more time for us to see each other, but I can't gaurantee it, and if she can't live with that... then it's time to call it a day.

Long story short... we are still together, and I am trying to see her more often (juggling my schedule), and the ironic part about it... is we are getting along much better since I made some adjustments to my schedule. But like anything in life... there are no guarantees on anything.

Our problems kick in when I'm not around her 24/7.

When I'm around... everything is fine! When I'm not around her for more than a couple of days... that's when my problems start up.

She feels that I'm not in love with her at times. If I'm not seeing her or with her all the time, she starts to feel unloved... but that is not the case at this particular time.
I have quite a bit still on my plate, that hopefully will wrap itself up in the next several months... and there is nothing I can do to change that.

She has been talking about getting "M" in June of next year... which is still one year earlier than was previously planned... so we will see how it goes and take it from there.

EC...

I've heard that legal term before... give me more of an explanation of what the meaning of it is.

I would talk with my attorney about your exW's secret meetings with the Judge, and see what he says about it all.

Leah...

Glad to hear that you and your family had a nice vacation. It's always nice to take a breather from it all.

I'm going to head out during the Labor day weekend, and take a few additional days of vacation, and see if I can't do the same as you did.

Trusting Him...

I'm glad you gave us the rest of the story.

IMHO, I think the children are the ones to suffer the most when a "D" occurs. IMHO, it appears that your daughter has been put in a position that she doesn't want to be in... and is angry, frustrated, and confused.

I would only invite immediate family to the Baptisim, as it is a sacred event, not to be in anyway tarnished by having outsiders (BF) coming to the religous event that your daughter appears to not want there after all.

Kids can become very emotional, and I will give you an example. My YD lashed out the other night about her mother out of no where. It has been 2-1/2 years and she really hasn't commented about her mother in either a negative or positive mode, until the other night.

She cried and let it all out... about how her Mom just left her, and all of the rest of the family and hasn't even attempted to her or her brother and sister since.
She has a very legitimate grip... as there were no soothing words I could give to her. Even I can't understand how a Mom can just up and leave her children... so there were no explanations for my exW's actions coming from me... as I know of none.


All you can do is try your hardest to be there for them when they need you, and try to make as easy for them with as little disruption in their life as possible... is my best guess.

Petvet, avondale, WGTT, and everyone else...

Hope your day and week is going well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey ya'll

I'm new to this board, I've been hanging out at GQII since May. There is no way I can go through this whole thread, so I was wondering, can somebody give me the gist of it? That would be awesome! Thanks!

Hi All,

I hope everyone is doing well.

Country Mama

Welcome to the 'tough love' thread, it is exactly what it says, so leave your 'sensitivity' at the door. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My other sticky situation is that we sold our house last year, have been saving and searching for another,pa and I have a place I want. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you put the money from the sale of your home to an account that requires both signatures for withdrawal? I have seen this many times, the husband convinces the wife to sell the home long before a divorce is mentioned and the money is spent. Beware!

L2B

Thank you for your kind words, read below! I'm glad you enjoyed your family and your vacation.

WAID

Welcome to the thread. There is no way we can sum up 135 pages of our life in a paragraph. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

ME

This will be long. This is the result of my spending time on 'God's Couch'!

I told you about the old friend I discovered a few weeks ago and he called three and four times a day! Well, in our last conversation, I asked him to not call me again. He said I hurt his feelings and did as I requested!

After one week of not hearing from him, I wondered why he went away so easy!! Imagine That! So it is true, when you find yourself chasing someone and they stop, you look behind to find out what happened to them.

So, I decided to call him! Imagine my shock when he wouldn't take my call, of course there is caller id. To be sure I also called on an unidentified number of which he answered. I hung up. Now, Why did I do that when I have no desire to have a relationship with this person? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Was I being my usual 'controlling self? And he was in control by not calling? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had no idea, so I when to God who knows me better than I know myself. I asked Him to help me sort this out, so that I could continue working on myself.

After 15 minutes, no patience without an answer, I went about my day. Still asking the question.

The next day, I caught the last 5 minutes of a program on the radio called, 'Living on the Edge'. They were talking about growing through divorce.

The Host, Chip Ingram was talking about not dating or anything for 18 months after your divorce regardless of separation time.

He further stated, 'that we are so needy because of all the rejection, that even the 'telemarketer' on the phone would be welcomed if they paid us a compliment!! So, I had my answer although I thought I had it all together.

He said, 'When we choose a person from this position, as we get whole over time, that person is no longer desirable for us and we wonder how we got back into the same situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

For the next few days, I fought the urge to call and make him talk to me and now the desire is completely gone!

Ask God a question and you'll get the answer, you may not like it, but it will be there. As for me, I'm sticking with God! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope this experience is beneficial to someone.

You can hear the broadcast at: www. oneplace.com Go to Broadcast archives, the dates were 8/9 and 8/10. Growing through divorce


Wallace

Why do you continue in this pattern? I'm really afraid that you will be the one hurt in this situation. Your Girlfriend has issues!!

And you're jumping through all the hoops!!

I think your 'rose-colored' glasses need cleaning!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Avondale, Petvet, WGTT, EC

Hope all is well.

relady

Wallace,
We sold out home withoutbuying another one because we are VERy picky and just havent' found one yet. We spend all our time last summer looking, and were even seriously looking at xmas time, one month before revelation.
His only reasoning for all of this is that we've grown apart and can't grow back together.
I DO want to save my marriage, but since he has moved out Idon't have any opportunity to do plan A and so am doing Plan B as well as I can.
I was counseled that I need to make him miss me and that will be difficult because we were together so little even before he moved out.

What Am I Doing - In a nutshell, this thread was begun by Petvet (who still posts here regularly) and was about the “Love Must Be Tough” book by James Dobson. There are 7-8 posters here, and we are all in various stages of marriage/separation/divorce. You are welcome to post here too...but if you want to post here bad enough, you'll read the thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We have a minimum requirement of reading 10 of the first 50 pages, 5 of the pages between 50-75, 7 of the pages between 75-100, 10 of the pages between 100-124, and read page 126 to the end. Doing this will help you know us, your fellow posters, and the philosophy on this thread (which you may or may not agree with). Then if there is an issue/question you want more feedback on than the few of us can provide, make a new thread on the D/D board.

Country - I replied on your “I’m new” thread.

Leah - Welcome back! Did your husband go on your trip too? I hope so. And if I recall correctly, you’re a teacher (?) so if I’m right, you’re going to be busy soon. And if I’m wrong, it won’t be the first time, LOL

Relady - That is quite some story! I am surprised that you called him in the first place. I’m glad you were able to fight the urge to call him again. It will be interesting to see if he calls back after being ignored by you, too. I’m glad you are seeing where there needs to be less of you and more of Him. We all need to evaluate ourselves in that way.

Wallace - I agree with Relady. Your GF has issues - controlling being one of them. Think about this: What if you are using these years to become what she wants, when in reality, that isn’t what God wants? (Maybe because He wants you with someone else, or no one else?) Anyway, food for thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

EC - “laches” is an unreasonable delay or negligence in pursuing a right or claim; can be asserted as a defense to a claim. I have no clue why your ExW would think YOU were delaying things. Were you doing anything to stall the divorce (and prolong your chances for marriage improvement)?

Trusting - I saw on the re-virginity thread you were having a bad day....I’m sorry. You are in my prayers, honestly. I pray for everyone on this thread regularly.

Petvet - Did you get those extensions worked out? Hope you have a great weekend. Are you going to get any of Hurricane Charley?

Me - Meeting an (hush, hush) appraiser for the house tomorrow afternoon. Also getting ready for Hurricane Charley. We lose power at the drop of a hat around here, LOL.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hey All,

It's almost the weekend again, not that it matters with my career! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Avondale

Believe me, no one was more surprised than I was. That's why I had to go to God's Couch. When I find myself doing things out of character for me, it requires a bit of analyzing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've learned to do that a lot lately.

Make sure your hush, hush appraisel is just that. It can be required for court purposes if found out.

Hey , also, how did you determine so many pages of this and so many pages of that?
What a memory!

relady

Thanks for the welcome...I'll check out the thread in the required manner!!! I haven't read the book, but it sounds right up my alley. I am dealing with a hardcore, spoiled brat, cake-eating Fogman!!! I need all the help I can get!

Did somebody mention milk and cookies????

Avondale

Now you tell me the rules! After I read the ENTIRE thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with you, YD is caught in the middle. The scary part is that I really think the former has no idea the position she is putting our daughter in.

Glad to hear that you have a hush hush coming in and hope everything turns out ot be in your best intrest.


EC

I watched some of those, cried a little bit too.

Legal Studies? Keep it up and I may hire you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Which side of the sword are you on?

PetVet

Keep on living life, that is good.

relady

Sure hope you enjoyed the concert. It's been a long time since I listened to Jazz.

I think it's more like The NeverEnding Story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God's couch? Seems you and I both spent a little time there. It sure is nice when He answers and we actually hear it.


Country Mama

I'll just say WELCOME. Glad you stopped by. Like the others said, a lot easier to rebuild than to start over if the two or you are both willing to work at it.

Praying that all works out for your family.

Wallace

I would just say walk lightly. I am no where near ready to even consider another lady in my life but after reading your comments I think I would really question the direction of the relationship.

But I'm probably gun shy too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh you are so right when you say it is the children who really get hurt. I know that they can recover pretty quickly but I think that also depends on what they see their parents doing.

And...there are times when we have no soothing words or explanations will come. Days like that I just hold and comfort them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Welcome What AmIDoing.


Avondale was correct, bad day today but only because it's close to payday. It always hurts when I see how broke I am now and with the realization that a 2nd job is going to be required it sort of bums me out. But that's OK me, God and a friend managed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Former wife and her actions? Well,none since her last display. Some thought she has felt that way for a while, others motiviated by guilt or some other motive.

I'll just say she keeps me confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Question

Bearing in mind that we definately have a different view of where we are in life today.

I attempt/try to include my former with the more important part of the children's life should something major happen. Like the night our YD asked, "Daddy, what do I have to do to be saved?" Afterwards I wanted her Mother to know so I called to let her know.

Saturday when I picked the children up our YD was quick to tell me that Mom was going to BF's house to give him some new pictures of YD taken while on vacation.

I guess it's back to Wallace's mother thing. I just can't understand her actions. Is it normal for a Mother to have a desire to give pictures of YD to BF, and if so why only YD and not the entire family? I guess it's alredy been established that she has/is putting/using YD in the middle of all of this.

ZZzzzzzz.......time for bed. Night all.

Praying that EVERYONE else is doing well.

Hi All,

I am on the run (what's new) got a full schedule tonight, and this weekend... but thought I would drop a quick line or two.

What am I doing...

Welcome to the "Tough Love" thread, and yes, it is tough love in this thread.

avondale hit on some key areas (Bless her heart, she's my little sister), and it would be a good idea to read up on some of our backgrounds... that way if we come across a certain way... it will give you some insight of where we are coming from.

There is some good reading in there I'm sure... as we, or at least one of us... have all dealt with just about everything in a relationship that you can possibly think of.

I know the type of person your dealing with by the sounds of it... I was "M" to one for a number of years.

Read as much of it as you can tolerate... and keep us posted as to what is happening in your life when you can.

Country Mama...

I am going to quote relady here... because what she posted, is in fact many times true.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote by relady:

Did you put the money from the sale of your home to an account that requires both signatures for withdrawal? I have seen this many times, the husband convinces the wife to sell the home long before a divorce is mentioned and the money is spent. Beware!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope in fact this is not the case... but this happens all the time, and relady in all of her wisdom, may be on to something.

To follow a spouse that is saying the type of things that I'm hearing from your spouse... IMHO, he may have been planning this circumstance for quite sometime. By the sounds of it... he is working a pattern here, and I would look very carefully and discreetly at what you have going here. Don't make any acusations, and work your Plan B., because I believe it is in fact in order.

If you know my background... my exW worked for well over 4 years plus, to finally finish everything off.

As relady has stated... I would beware!

relady...

I just got new reading glasses the other day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL.

Yes... she tries to be the controller, and she most definetly has issues. I'm still sorting through all of it... to see just exactly what issues we are in fact dealing with.

I'll only junp through hoops for so long... and if things don't get better? Well... that's when I back up my Circus tent and go home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

avondale...

You and relady both are saying the same thing... and that has got my attention (BIG TIME)!

I have read, a number of places.... that you should wait at least 18 months to 2 years before dating again... in order to get back in touch with yourself.

When we go through what we have gone through... we in fact desire attention from another person in order to validate oursleves to a degree that we find acceptable. When we find that person... we become somewhat attached... it happens to the best of us.

After 2 years.. this may be the case for myself, but as time wanes... I keep looking at it through a new perspective (I got new reading glasses now, and I can see much clearer). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In other words... I'm not really worried about being hurt again... after the loss of my "M", I have become so thick skinned, I don't believe anyone could possibly hurt me again.

I have become that hardcore with my feelings.

I don't think I could ever leave myself that vulnerable with my feelings ever again. So I guard them very closely, so as not to get hurt like that again. I know it's not fair... it's just the way it is at this particular time.

I'm watching this relationship very closely... and if I get to the point where I think I have had enough... then I will call it a day for good.

Trusting Him...

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling down in the dumps... would you like to tell us about what is really troubling you at this point in time? Maybe we ca add some insight to it all.

Concerning your last post about your former.

Your former is trying to validate what she has going with her B/F. In other words... she is looking for acceptance (unfortunately from your YD).

This is very typical, and it's very unfortunate that your former has decided to work on your YD. I

In your former's mind... she must think that she is the most impressionable. She is trying to validate what she has going... my exW tried unsuccessfully to do the same thing with my YD.

Hang tight, and go with the flow... because it does get interesting as time goes on.

Well it's time for me to go out on my dinner date with my G/F, she just called and said she is ready.

Leah...

How is everything going after your vacation?

Was your "H" there?

Your in my prayers as well... in fact everyone is...
Let us know how things are going when you can.

Petvet, EC, and everyone else...

Hope your day went well , and your weekend goes just as good.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

HI FRIENDS,

WAID and C.MAMA,

A warm welcome to the thread. I am the semi-married one of the bunch. I'm sorry you both find yourself here. My H and I've been separated twice and are now living somewhat together. There have been OW in his history. I have three girls and am continually searching for the right thing to do. (A brief summary of me in case you haven't done "required reading") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

TRUSTING HIM,

Sorry you're feeling down. Believe me I can relate- not for the same issues but with the on-going circumstances,I have to fight discouragement as well. I've been trying to focus on the right things and continue to plead for God's help. Just trying to do the next thing with a positive attitude.

As far as your wife's actions... I think it is so difficult to ever truly understand these folks. I use to spend hours trying to understand my H and what would motivate him to say and do the things he does. He tends to be so erratic and inconsistent. He can really stretch my thinking.

BUT WITH TIME I'VE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON...
People like my H and your former are quite impossible to figure out. It is best to utilize your time and energies else where. I mean that in the kindest way possible. I use to waste hours of analytical thought trying to understand him but I've come to accept we are two completely different people with different value systems and reasoning. We're now coming from different mindsets and I'm just not able to understand or value the way he thinks or operates.

I use to think, "If only he understood me and my thinking, he would certainly change because he would know how much his actions or words have hurt me." But that has never worked because he is not operating with the same value system of mutuality and good will. I'm striving to communicate with him and have a relationship but he is in a different world - It's very sadly all about him.

Am I making any sense? I understand what I'm trying to say but I'm not sure I'm communicating it very well. Anyhow,just my opinion based on some very frustrating years of attempted understanding. Take care Trusting Him. I hope you are having a better day!

WALLACE,

Glad to see you seem to be doing better than you were a couple of weeks ago. Please continue to keep those new "non-rose colored" glasses on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> We all are concerned for your relationship with GF and just want the best for you.

AVONDALE,

Thanks for the welcome back. You asked about my H coming on vacation. He did come with us part of the time. He brought his motorcycle with him and managed to spend a fair amount of time away from us. I think he'd go nuts to be with our family all week. A family man he is not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hope the appraisal was what you hoped for. I've been praying for you and PETVET that you've weathered the storm okay.

RELADY,

Yes, you did surprise me with that story. But then again, I can certainly appreciate how you feel. When you haven't had much attention, we all are vunerable to the attentions of another. Even though I'm married, I'm very alone. So, I have to get on God's couch too. I have to ask him to fill all the voids that are in my heart and life. I have to keep looking to Him instead of chasing some temporary "man" solution. Keep keeping on.

Hi to E.C. and PETVET,

Hope both of you are doing well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Those in line with the hurricane, please let us know you're ok.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

Hi all!

WAID and CountryMoma: I welcome you to this thread. The summary of this thread that you received from Avondale is pretty much the history of this thread. I'll be back later to chim in on your situations.

Hello to everyone else, Avondale, Relady, Wallace, WGTT, etc. I have to get ready for work. I have been very busy with tax extensions through yesterday.

I'm gone.

Hi All,
Not a lot going on here - yet. Got the appraisal and I must admit it is a LOT lower than I expected. I guess this is good, right? I will be meeting with H on Thursday evening; would appreciate prayers. I don't plan on getting into a discussion about the house specificially, but if he brings it up, I might test the waters about buying his share out and using this appraisal as my base price. I'll post a report afterward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi all again!

Wallace: I'm glad that you have some new glasses with a clearer picture on your relationship with your GF. Things may become brighter now.

Avondale: I wish you luck at your meeting with your H. To be very honest with you, it seems like torture to go through these meetings with your H. You are one tough lady.

Me: I am doing well. I am trying to deal with kid going to a Catholic school for the first time. He does not want to do his homework. Mom hates the school and has relayed her feelings to kid, so I have to deal with this stuff. What can I say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Later.

Hello, I have been going through losts of the old posts in this thread, and have read some really good advice.
My situation has been that my wife left home after I confronted her about the A. She still denies anything but being friends. She has been staying with one of her friends since. She called me 3 days after I confronted her, and said that her and OM decided to not be friends anymore. This happened because I let the OMW know what all I had found and she confronted him.

I know things haven't ended because they have been seen going to lunch together since, but my W has seemed confortable living seperated like this, but I am tired of it and not knowing where she is or what she is doing. I have done lots of praying, and have realized that I can make it without her if we divorce, but she hasn't wanted to make a decision. I have been all for trying to rebuild our marriage and have let that be known, but I have got nothing back in return from her. I am thinking that I am going to have to be the one to make the decision on whether or not to divorce.

I think I'm gonna talk to a lawyer today, and see what kinds of things I need to be doing or stuff I need to get together. I don't want to divorce her, but I can't continue on like this much longer, and I feel that ending it will help to end the continuing pain also.

I hope you all don't mind me posting here.

Here is a link to my story so far that I posted in the Just Found Out threads Background on my past few weeks

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

Sewsklov - Interesting screenname. I wonder if you listen to Klov radio? Anyway, on to your post. Anyone is welcome to post here. This is not a restricted thread, it was begun by Petvet about the book of the same title almost 3 years ago.

I read your previous posts on the Emotional Needs forum and it appears your W’s affair and subsequent separation are all fairly recent. In fact, I’ve been separated longer than you’ve been married! I’m sure if you read the old posts here at Tough Love that you realize we have all been separated for months/years before divorcing, and when we did, it was very much a last resort. We are all familiar with the book “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson, which I liken to a variation of Plan B here at Marriage Builders. Have you used Plan A? How about Plan B? IMHO, I don’t think you’ve had enough time to implement either one, and it’s possible you aren’t familiar with them. What have you done to work on your marriage since discovery of your wife’s “inappropriate actions”? Hardly three weeks has passed since then; subsequently, that is not enough time to work on your marriage. Have you seen a counselor individually or together? Talking to a lawyer is good, from the aspect of finding out what to expect, but if I can’t help but wonder if you’re acting (or re-acting) somewhat quickly to move on and end your marriage. Don’t give up so quickly!

I am familiar with the book "Love Must be Tough" and have read it several times. My wife left me a letter today, and she is back to trying to blame me for our problems, still denying anythng but friends with OM, and saying she doesnt see anyway that our marriage can recover. She also said that she plans on speaking with a lawyer next week. I know it hasn't been a long seperation for us, and nowhere near the length of any one elses here but, It looks like divorce is on its way very soon, and I don't know that there are any plans to put into play now. Of course I have been wanting to work on things all along, but have had no cooperation from her side. I also know she has only been gone for a short period of time, but she wouldnt answer my calls and so I wrote her a letter letting her know that I wasnt happy with our living situation, and her being away, and that I wanted to know her intentions, and that I was gonna make it through whatever her decision was, but that I just wanted to know something instead of sitting and wondering.

Maybe my problem or seperation hasn't been long, but the problems have been going on for a long time, and it doesn't make my problem any less important to me, or doesn't make this any less painfull. I have been putting all my effort into resolving our problems long before I found the MB site, I hust regret that I didnt find it sooner, and would still hope for any and all support that I can get. Yes, I have been seen a counselor numerous times since she left.

Maybe I am reacting too quickly, but that is kinda why I am here and reading through and posting, because I am kinda stuck, and don't know what to try or do next. I can try to delay anything as far as divorce goes, and who knows she may not even go talk to a lawyer next week.
I do feel like it would probably be in my best interest if I do go ahead and atleast talk to one myself though.
She left me a message on the machine yesterday & wanted me to leave all her mail in the mailbox so she could come by here and get it, but I left her a message this morning that I was taking her mail to work with me and that she could come get it from me, or I might meet her somewhere, but I never heard from her and don't think she can face me. The message also said she was going to leave me a letter, and I was assuming it was going to be bad, thats why I really wanted to meet her in person, so that she could tell me what she had to say, or I could read the letter in fron t of her and be able to reply. She didnt give me that chance. She has bills that are going to be due soon, and she's gonna need her mail, should I be nice and let her have control by leaving it for her, or make her meet me?

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: sewsklov ]</small>

Hey all,


Sewsklov...

I hope I had that spelling right... anyway, after reading your post IMHO... your up for some "Tough Love"!

What you posted about about your "W" is not a good indicator. IMHO, I think your "W" is lying big time... and I in fact would consider seeing an attorney, ASAP, in order to protect yourself.

I'm sorry to see you here... but the Lord leads us where he wants us to be.

I'll be very direct with you about this situation... you have problems, and what you have to do is reastablish a common ground with your "W", ASAP. Have you gone into a full in depth Plan A.?

When spouse talks the way your spouse is talking... it is not a good sign.

If you have not Planned A., yet.. then I would do so post hence... because it sounds like time is not on your side at this particular time.

It sounds like she already may have a relationship struck up with this "OM", and you need to quell it right now. If you don't you more than likely will have a "D", on your hands.

If she does not respond to your efforts, then Plan B, is in order... I'm sorry to say.

Prayers to you , and keep us posted when you have time.

Petvet, avondale, and everyone else...

I HAVE MY NEW READING GLASSES... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm still looking at this whole thing... and I'm not so sure what I see is to my liking.

I'm looking at this one real hard... it's a day by day process... and so far... I'm not so sure I like what I'm seeing.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Avondale and Wallace Thanks for the replies. I called my wife this morning, and since she won't answer my calls, I left her a message saying that I still have her mail, and would like to meet her and sit down and talk about things. I'm not quite sure what to say to her to try and convince her to come back home and give things a try, but I'm atleast gonna put the offer out there. I think I will accomplish alot more if she will be willing to meet me in person. If she doesn't return my call, or says she isn't willing to sit down and talk with me, then I'm not sure what I'll do.
I guess I've been confused by the use of plan A, and didnt really see how to get to it since she was gone from the house already, and then after reading through Love Must be Tough made me really wonder what approach to take.

I'll update when and if I hear from her, or if I take any more steps.

Thanks
Wesley (is easier to type than Sewsklov)

I also think I'll change my screen name to what it really is instead of sewslov. It'll make more sense if I do that.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: VolksWes ]</small>

Here is my normal screen name that I use. I use it at a few other sites too, and had just reversed it just cause I didn't know if I would run into someone that would recognize it from one of them, and I didn't feel like having to explain everything that is going on with me to one of them.

Wesley aka: Volkswes/Sewsklov
I'm a big VW person if you couldn't tell from the name.