My ex-husband and I are now becoming very close again. He is working hard and being a father to our son. Our relationship is better than ever now. The love I thought was lost for him is back and I want to be family again. (so does he) <BR>The problem is my family. They are real upset with him because of the past and do not want me around him. I don't want to hurt them, but I feel that I am old enough to be with whom I want to be with. I believe we have a second chance to make it right this time. <BR>Please help me. Am I wrong to want to be happy with him. He was the man I chose the first time. Can he be the "ONE"?

Hello!<P>Yours is the type of thread that is so very rare and yet so refreshing!<P>Oh, by all means...forget your family and follow your heart! By all means, if there is any way, any desire for you and the ex to reconcile and get back together...go for it with gusto!<P>Please give the devil a black eye for all the <BR>marriges he has ruined!<P>Oh, I would give anything to be able to be in your shoes! <P>I have been separated from my wife for over 3 years 8 months. We are still married (33+ years)...but separated.<P>I am so discouraged because of her lack of desire to communicate and leaving me in limbo.<P>We are both Christians and even ministers. She is on the mission field right now and has nothing to do with me.<P>Anyway, I have heard so many wonderful testimonies/stories about couples who have been divorced and then got back together and remarried. <P>You and your ex have already made all the mistakes...you know what and what not to do, so if you both will work at it..you can truly have a marriage made in heaven, right here on earth.<P>If you guys can get back together, I will come dance at your wedding!<P>I am soooooooooooooooo encouraged by your thread!<P>Goooooooooo for the Gold!<P>[censored] from Texas

Dear [censored],<P>Thank you so much for your support. I needed to hear that. I love him so much and truly want to remarry. This time we will invite God to our wedding and in our marriage. We made our mistakes the first time, and I feel like we can make it. My heart is happy when we are together and I think I'm going to announce to every one real soon that we are going to try again. I know some will be judgemental, but if they love me then they will want me to be happy. HE makes me happy<P>Bentley

Bentley:<P>The angels in heaven are rejoicing and Satan is fuming!<P>Oh how I rejoice with you both! I would like to hear more about your story. My e-mail address is: dickt@ecsintl.com (if you want to share).<P>I also notice you are from Texas...where are you living now? I live in Fort Worth, Texas.<P>Look forward to hearing your story (and you can click on my updated profile if you want).<P>[censored] from Texas

I tried to phone hell to see if Satan was really fuming about this, but instead I got an answering machine for a bowling alley. Apparently the "Lord of the Air" had some politician to corrupt or something.<P>Bentley,<P>I think you might want to slow down a bit, at least in comparison to [censored]'s amazingly enthusiastic response. There are many issues that need to be resolved before you want to step back in to this. Second marriages are not all that successful, ESPECIALLY when the partners we previously married to each other. Just ask Liz Taylor.<P>There are many issues that need to be painstakingly resolved before you can go on. Obviously the first one is why in the heck did you end up divorced in the first place? It takes two to build a relationship, but only one to end it. The one who ended it has to bear most of the responsibility for the failure. (By "ended it I mean the one who had the affair, asked for the divorce, kick the other one out, left, things like that. Difficulties in the relationship don't count.)<P>When we make a decision, it is not other people who cause us to do that. (Satan doesn't either, if you prefer to believe that sort of thing. If he did, he would be the only one damned.) We make these decisions ourselves. The decisions reflect our own problems. What I mean is, short of the case where your ex was abusing you in some matter, if you left him, you have issues to resolve. (And vice versa.) If it was you, you ended the marriage for a reason. You can't get back together until that issue has been addressed and resolved. If it was he who ended it, same thing.<P>Now, the problem with divorce is that now that you have the original problem on the table (the divorce doesn't solve anything), you also have all the hurtful things that happened during and after the divorce. For example, I know that in my case I couldn't ever go back to my ex. The way she kicked me out, the lies, the pain it caused my children, me, etc., I won't ever forget those things. I really do love her, and I wish it wouldn't have happened, but I can't go back. I know I will never be able to give her the trust and respect she needs, no matter how much I love her. And she would always feel guilty for having done it. If not guilty then like she wasn't on equal terms or something. (She likes to have the moral high ground, and therefore doesn't like people who know her "secrets".) Those kind of scares don't heal. Thankfully she is still in the mode to cause more pain so I don't have to worry about it. At least until loser boyfriend gets the boot.<P>As a matter of fact, the scares are so deep, I can't even talk about commitment with women who have done the same thing to another man (and their children) as my ex did. I spend a long time listening to girlfriends to try to get a feel for what happened at the end of their former relationships. I spend a long time observing how they interact with their exes if they are still around. I'm no psychologist, but I don't want to get in to the same trouble twice. Not with my ex, and not with a girl like her either.<P>Time eases much of the grief and pain in our lives. But it doesn't remove the memories. You and your ex husband have a heck of a lot of work to do if you want to try again. The "issues" of old will resurface, along with all the new ones.<BR>

Bentley,<P>While I am extremely happy for you, I have to side with nonplused on this one.<P>How long where you apart/divorced? I have realized that some people are simply to emotionally involved while together and simply cant come to grips with thier own feelings, but is very common for couples to get together after divorce. Like Nonplused said, lay the goundwork for your 'new' life. Learn all you can while you are both in love again. Its easy now because your givers are in chanrge, but what happens when the takers take over? <P>I am all for reconciliation, but I am gunshy too. In my situation I am the one doing the research and education to bring my marriage back together, but that is just a start. Once back together and in love, you need to make new ground rules by learning from your past mistakes. Perhaps a lot of counseling before prior to recommitment. I would seek a solution based therepist such as Dr. Harley. He quickly gets into your heads and tells you what needs to be done. A typical counselor(like the one who made things worse for me) simply bought out all the pain and anguish that we were both trying to leave behind.<P>Look at your successes of what has made you both happy and continue to do so. Don't look at failures for a clue to happyness, because you already have the answers in your success, you just need to keep doing the same thing.<P>Also, men and women have a very different way of communicating, women are often vague and we men just are to dense to see a lot of your signs. you need to learn to bridge that communication gap etc.<P>Anyways, I am happy for you, take it slow, learn from your mistakes and by all means I would say take this new start and make it better.<P>Zyg.

Bentley:<P>I am furious at Nonplused's response to you!<BR>He (or she) whatever the case maybe..sound like one of "Job's friends".<P>I do not appreciate the sarcastic remark about phoning hell!<P>Plus, if you will note, Nonplused said they could "never forget" the hurt and therefore can not be reconciled with their ex!<P>Nonplused is speaking out of his (or her's) own pain and experience and have brought, what I feel a tremendous spirit of confusion to you!<P>Zyg's response was much more wise and I do agree with Zyg.<P>I will say this.....I believe friendship is the key to intimacy! The 3 stages of relationship are Intimacy, Conflict, Withdrawal. If you are going to go from withdrawal to intimacy, you can not side step conflict.<P>In other words, before you get "re-married", you need to work out the issues that caused the divorce.<P>Then, I would suggest a period of friendship, dating and courtship. Then..."re-tie" the knot!<P>I am sorry, but Nonplused's remarks really angered me and I still say that Satan is fuming and the angels rejoicing over you and any who will be reconciled/restored!<P>Nonplused mentioned Liz Taylor...hello! Her remarriage wasn't based on Jesus or the Word of God!<P>Please don't let this "Job's friend" cast a wet blanket over your enthusiasm. You need to hear from the Holy Spirit for yourself!<P>I will still dance at your re-marriage ceremony!<P>[censored] from Texas

P.S.<P>Bentley:<P>I just read Nonplused's profile and saw that "he" is an engineer.<P>That answers why he responded the way he did.<BR>I am a Senior Consultant and have worked with Engineers' for almost 13 years and they are a unique breed!<P>No emotion...just the facts man...just the facts! Plus, I do not even know if Nonplused is a believer or not?????<P>So, take his post with a grain of salt and follow your heart!<P>[censored] from Texas

[censored],<P>Well, if you don't want sarcastic remarks about hell, don't use appeals to religious beliefs to attempt to influence somebody else's decision or justify your point. Whether or not Bentley or me believes or disbelieves is irrelevant. Everyone has their own beliefs.<P>What we are talking about here are real life issues caused by real people doing real things. I think we'll get a lot further along if we try to address these issues that we have created rather than speculating on Satan's emotional state, even if we assume we are done speculating on whether or not such a creature exists.<P>Also, who do you disagree with and who do you disagree with? (Aside from Satan thing.) Since Zyg said he mostly agreed with me and then you said you mostly agreed with Zyg, but yet you totally disagree with me, I'm confused.<P>And what's this engineer dishing? Not all engineers fit your preconceptions. I don't think it's going to be wise to disclude logical thinkers who want to know the facts before they jump to a conclusion from every conversation. Some times the devil really is in the details.<P>Time heals all wounds and forgiveness is possible, but not by sweeping stuff under the rug. Before you can forgive a murderer you need to be pretty sure he has "repented", meaning he isn't going to be killing anymore people.<P>Divorce is the same way. I don't think anybody who considers divorce an acceptable solution for themselves, with the possible exception of abusive situations, can also believe marriage is an acceptable solution for themselves.<P>The fact remains Bentley is divorced, and somebody pulled the rug out from under that relationship. Why that person did that needs to be addressed and resolved before a re-marriage is considered. If the issues are left unresolved, they will be back. You can put the demons in the closet if you like, but you can't make them stay there. They need to be exorcised. (See! I can use religious imagery too! Not bad for an engineer, eh? Oops, gave away my Canadian origin as well.)<P>If Bentley does remarry, I think everyone will have cause to dance. But it'll be a much better celebration if the marriage has a good foundation and the strength to survive than it will be if the marriage is doomed to the same tragedy that happened the first time around. <BR>

[censored],<P>I know we have to take it slow this time. I believe forgiveness is the key. If I am not able to forgive him, then we have no future. God has allowed me to do so. We have a long way to go, and remarring is just a thought in the future. Right now, I just believe we must wait and see what happens.<P>Monica

PS, I don't have any friends named Job, although I have read a story about a man by that name. The good Lord did some interesting things to him and his family in order to settle a bet with Satan, as I recall. Any court in the free word would have thrown this deity in jail immediately for murder, as well as awarded a sizable financial compensation for damage to property. But that again is the story of Job and not really relevant to Bentley's problem.<P>How about if we agree to stop arguing over religion and help the woman out?<BR>

Monica<P>It's nice to call you by name. Sounds like you have done a 180 since you first posted.<P>Are you having second thoughts? Or did Nonplused's remarks discourage you.<P>I an not going to bother to respond to Nonplused again because we aren't on the same page! I thought you and I were, that only the Lord can restore a marriage; that this time you wanted to include Jesus in your marriage.<P>Anyway, I do agree with both Nonplused and Zyg that you must take it slow. I feel my last post gave sound advice.<P>Establish a solid friendship first (no sex, no physical stuff). Casually date, talk and more talk...perhaps courting and then set a date. <P>I agree you must work out and resolve the issue(s) that caused the divorce in the first place.<P>Anyway, my offer still stands if you want to e-mail me and talk more openly than we can here. dickt@ecsintl.com<P>[censored] from Texas

Nonplused:<P>I said I wasn't going to respond to your post; however, I went back and carefully read it.<P>You do make some good points and I think at heart your motives are pure.<P>All I am saying is, I base my convictions on being a Christian and Biblical Values.<P>I apologize if I attacked you...that doesn't present me as a good witness for our Lord Jesus Christ.<P>As far as Zyg's post...basically he said the same thing you did..but a little more tactfully and with kindness.<P>I felt your response was abrasive and rough.<BR>I whole-heartedly agree with you (because it fits my case); that you can't just sweep things under the rug..issues have to be dealt with.<P>You mention you could never reconcile with your ex even though you still love her because you can't forget. However, when God forgives, He forgets!<P>True forgiveness means we do everything possible to forget as well.<P>Remember, each day is a new day....and God's mercies and compassions are fresh every morning! (Lamentations 3).<P>Perhaps you aren't the typical, logical, cold, calculating engineer....sorry I misjudged you. I too, am a logical person and consider myself well balanced in being both emotional/deep and logically operating with common sense.<P>Truce?<P>Peace to you in Jesus' Name.<P>[censored] from Texas

[censored],<P>Truce. You are right some of the responses I made were a little rough. Tact is not necessarily my strong point.<P>I can understand that you have a lot of strong religious convictions. As you put it, you "base (your) convictions on being a Christian and Biblical Values. I can accept that. I, however, base my convictions on rational thought (where my brain is working) and values that have been proven over the years to work. There happens to be a lot of overlap. (I mean, you would expect a 3000 year old religion to have successful morals, or it wouldn't survive.)<P>So anyway, I think to the extent we can talk about things in a manner that everyone participates then you know people are making sense. There can be overlap in thought process without agreement about certain "beliefs".<P>Most of the advice you have given has been good. But please lay off those poor "typical engineers"! Most of the ones I know ain't so typical.<BR>

[censored],<P>I am not having second thoughts about my relationship with my ex. Actually, we met the other night and talk things out. I am more sure about how I feel than ever. To answer nonpulsed, We have addressed the issue that led to our divorce. The point is that I was able to forgive and forget. If you can't forget then you really haven't forgiven the person. And I strongly believe God gave me the power to truly forgive him. I was never able to forgive him in the past. The issue always came up and I would throw it in his face. I don't do that anymore. I am no longer angered by it. I am going to take things slow and see what happens. If we are meant to be then we will be. <BR>