This is my first time posting. I've read some of your letters and feel the support of the people who respond. I've been married for 22+ years to my high school sweetheart. In those years we've moved a minimum of 25 times (some courtesy of the USMC). I've left everything behind over and over again to be with my H who has always meant the world to me. We've finally moved back to our homestate after 18+ years and I thought we would finally get to be a "normal" family. About 3 months ago, my husband told me that he felt like he's been married forever and figures that he's probably only loved me 1 year out of 22. This is not the first time that he's been unhappy or dissatisfied, but always before he said it was with his job - not me. He asked me to have patience with him, but that it was something he had to figure out on his own. Since then, he's basically cut himself off from his family and me. We've had good days and bad, but I can tell that he's not happy when he's home - he's not the same man he was 6 months ago. He's lost a lot of weight and his clothes hang on him. He has been working out as have I - I've also lost a lot of weight and he says he's proud of me but doesn't love me the way he feels he should. He wants to find someone he can be happy to come home to everyday. In the past, I've always told him I would always be here for him, and I've really tried over the last 3 months, but yesterday I had just had enough. I see him as getting more and more remote and I feel that he is very depressed and is in trouble mentally. He refuses to talk to anyone or read anything I've printed off of this website. Like I said, I've been through this before, but not to this degree. I told him last night that I would always love him, need him and want him, but that I couldn't deal with this any longer and it was time for me to become a good mom (I've always put him before everything) and to take care of myself (something I have never done before). I've asked him when he can move out; his reply is that we can't afford it now. He still wants to sleep in my bed, but I told him that he would have to move into our sons room. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but I need to get a hold of myself - I'm an emotional wreck. If there is anyone out there, that's been through this or knows anything about men who are in their early 40's and depression, I would love to hear from you.

SandiB,<P>You are not alone. Go read Lis's posts in the Why Women Leave Men section of this board. It is a similar situation and her H appears to be slowly coming out of it. However, she is beating herself up in the process which is not good. I know I cannot solve your problem but perhaps by asking some questions you may be able to get information you want.<P>First, is your H near retirement from USMC? (I'll bet he is).<P>Second, does he have a speciality that easily transfers to the civilian sector?<P>Third, are your children out of the house?<P>Fourth, you don't have to tell me, he is very depressed right?<P>Fifth, is there a possibility of an affair going on (emotional or otherwise)?<P>Sixth, is there a loss of sex drive?<P>If the answer to these questions is yes. We are talking about what many people call the mid-life crisis. I don't like this term particularly, because it really fear and while it is a crisis it is fear of the future, in my opinion. <P>He will be leaving his comfort region, USMC. He still has responsibilities that he is not sure he will be able to meet. He is getting older and can feel it. It has been my observation, that women worry about wrinkles and a few extra pounds. Men worry about losing physical strength, and sexual stimina. Of course all do diminish.<P>However, if you go to the infidelity section of this board you will find that many people who have affairs say that they do not and really never did love their spouse. Pay attention here. Sometimes such affairs are not really about the spouse but about the person having the affair losing confidence in themselves.<P>Without hearing your answers, I really cannot add much but in any case look carefully at this situation. Get counceling if you can and consider getting med's for H if depressed. I know, good luck on that especially in the military.<P>Nevertheless, good luck and God Bless You

Sandi,<BR>I'm sorry you're having rough times. The early advice I got on this board helped me get through a very difficult time, and without it, there would now be no future for my marriage. Instead, we're still together, working on it. Please immeidately go and buy a book called "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson. Read it immediately. It will help you get through this. Remember to take care of yourself--keep exercising, eat well, love yourself. You'll be in my prayers.

Hi Just Learning and MaryBB - thank you for your prompt response. I'm sorry that I didn't reply sooner, but I can only do this at work and it's been a little hard lately.<P>Just Learning - Thank you so much - you hit the nail right on the head - before I answer your questions, I want you to know that my H moved out of the house on Sunday. I knew he would do it quick, I just wasn't (nor were my kids) ready for it to be so soon. But, now that it's happened I feel a kind of emotional relief (does that make sense?). Here's your answers:<BR>1. My husband voluntarily left the USMC after 13 years because "he didn't want to be away from me and the kids so much". 2. He was able to make the civilian transition for work easily. 3. Our children are home, ages 10 and 18. 4. Bingo, yes I feel he's very depressed - he doesn't think so. 5. There is a strong possibility he's having an affair - will you please explain the "emotional" aspect to me. 6. I've had to initiate sex for the last few months where always before it was him - he always responded, but I had to initiate - the affection was gone on his part - he didn't want me to kiss him or be affectionate especially in front of this woman from work - which has been so totally unlike him for the last 22 years.<P>I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs, especially since Sunday - but after talking to him last night, I'm 99% sure that he wants me to be the one to end everything and file for divorce - he's got everyone at his place of work thinking that I left him, when that is not the case at all and I had no problem calling his "best friend" who he can tell everything and letting her know that it wasn't my idea at all. I find peace in knowing that he will always know the truth and he will be the one that has to live with it. He wants us to continue to be friends and to call him if I need anything. I told him that I would call him if I needed something for the kids, but as far as I went, it was time for me to take care of myself. That will be a shock to him, as I've always relied on him in the past to be there and to handle most anything. I will be strong, I will be OK, I will always love him, but it's time for me to move on. I will not be vindictive, nor weepy, I will not give him the satisfaction of thinking that I can't live without him - I know that there is someone out there for me who will love me on good days and bad, whether I'm 10 pounds overweight, or have a few wrinkles. I know there has to be someone out there that will bring joy to my life and will consider my feelings before any other woman's. Thank you for your advice and I hope to hear from you again. God Bless You, too!<P>MaryBB, I haven't gotten a chance to get the book you mentioned, I'm going to the library tonight and hope to find it there, I live in a very small town, so the odds aren't with me, but maybe I can find it at the bookstore. Thank you for your encouragement - I've continued to exercise, eat well and I'm working on the love myself part. All prayers are welcome - it's nice to know that someone who has never met me cares (probably more than my H). I only hope for my kids sake that he can find the peace and happiness he says he's never been able to have. I'll be thinking of you and hope to hear from you again.

SandiB,<P>If you don't want to divorce him don't do it. There are many things you need to learn before you decide to go this route. You have a possibility of getting your H back but it will be work. <P>I strongly recommend that you read what Dr. Harley has written here and his books. Many people here especially in the infidelity forum have used his techniques successfully.<P>All of this is very sudden. Please slow down and get a good grip. As they say on the infidelity forum it is a real roller coaster ride. Please read and think before you do anything really drastic.<P>Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and the kids.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You