Hello, <P>For the past 3 years my wife endured me slipping slowly <BR>into alcoholism. I would drink every night to the point of <BR>being buzzed but not usually 'falling down drunk'. In the past <BR>6 months I increased the instances of getting very drunk to <BR>about 1-2 times a month. It was frustrating my wife as I would <BR>get very depressed or silly and make no sense during these <BR>times. I promised her I would stop, get help, go to AA at <BR>least 4 times in that period. However I didn't stop and I <BR>went to AA meetings for 2-3 days before I would decide that <BR>I could 'control' my drinking. Then I would drink worse.<P>Most of the time when we were together and I wasn't drinking <BR>at all we were very close and loving. I know she was very much<BR>in love with me as recently as a month ago.<P>A couple weeks ago we were supposed to spend the evening together <BR>and I just got drunk before she got home to go out with me. <BR>It was a bad scene that became an argument where she wanted to <BR>leave and I wanted her to stay and she finally left me and went <BR>over to a friends house. She didn't talk to me for 2 days then <BR>called to tell me to get out of the house and she was filing for <BR>a divorce. She said she was afraid of me and what I might do when<BR>I drink.<P>During that 2 days I had already gone back to AA meetings <BR>only now I really knew I was an alcoholic. I asked for sponsors <BR>and started my road to recovery. So far it's been 17 days of <BR>sobriety and I'm totally comitted to not drinking. I have a great<BR>sponsor and I'm working step 2 now.<P>We have 2 daughters 8 and 4 who weren't present during the <BR>argument we had. She has a restraining order and her lawyer <BR>submitted a deposition that made me look like Satan. Most of <BR>it was exaggerations and some was just plain wrong. But I am able<BR>to see that it is her perceptions that are written on the paper.<BR>I never knew she was afraid of me. I never hit or hurt her physically<BR>but I can see now that the emotional pain was there.<P>When I talk to my wife she says that she loves me but believes <BR>that I can never stop drinking as long as I'm with her so <BR>she is going on with her life. When I had a visit with her <BR>and the kids I could see the pain and anger in her as we spent <BR>the time with the kids. She is also has been pushing me to sell <BR>our home and get it all going quickly. I said no no no because I<BR>wanted to stop the divorce and control her but I relented and agreed<BR>that if it was what she really wanted then I would not stop her.<P>Part of the reason for my change was that the house was a bit hard<BR>on us financially anyway and I know that had always bothered her.<BR>The other part is that I know I was using it to control her and I<BR>want to stop that.<P>She seemed shocked when I agreed to this. When I spoke to<BR>her yesterday she had called a realtor and was upbeat that she was<BR>doing something about it.<P>Besides feeling like crap, I really woke up to my problem. I <BR>wasn't violent or abusive but I can see how I was hurting her <BR>and my family by my alcoholic behavior. I see her and the kids <BR>3 days a week for visits away from our house and I'm hoping <BR>that she will see how much I am working on not drinking. <BR>AA has been a blessing to me not so much for the help it gives<BR>me to not drink, but more for the help that it gives me to feel<BR>better about myself.<P>Where I'm at today (and where I need help) is this: I realize that<BR>I didn't respect my marriage as a spiritual thing because I loved<BR>alcohol more. I love my wife and kids and would like to reconcile<BR>her as a sober person and rebuild my family.<P>Right now it's obvious that she doesn't trust me because I told<BR>her so many times that I would stop drinking and I kept doing it.<BR>When I visit with her and the kids the visits start out with her<BR>ignoring me and saying "I'm just here to chaparone the kids" so<BR>I let her be. But when we leter go to dinner together if I start<BR>to share topics about my recent experiences she opens up and we're<BR>talking like friends. Next visit she's cold again.<P>When I spoke to my 8 yr old today she told me "we all love you Dad,<BR>even Mom. She told me she loved you but couldn't live with your<BR>drinking". <P>After this last weeks visit my wife asked me if next weeks visit<BR>could be at our house so she could work on the kitchen cabinets<BR>(she's been refinishing them) to prepare to sell the house. She also<BR>said "If I even smell a hint of alcohol your outta here". Of course<BR>I tried to explain that that ain't gonna happen (Even now I'm asking<BR>myself WHY did I drink like that anyway).<P>Well, I really need to know what action, if any, I can take to move<BR>towards reconciliation. She is 'moving forward', her friends are<BR>'supporting her decision not to live in an alcoholic relationship'<BR>and she says things to me that tell me that she is hurt, angry, not<BR>trusting me any more and has given up on me nad is taking care of<BR>herself.<P>thanks for any feedback<P>frank (still sober and planning on staying that way!)<BR>

Hi frank,<P>I commend you for stopping your addictive behaviors, wanting to rebuild your marriage, etc. <P>I can only speak for my own experience here so take what you will and leave the rest. <P>Have you considered marital therapy for you and your wife? Have you asked her if this might be possible? I think that that would be your first step.<P>Second, does your wife understand that she may also have issues which caused her to live with your addiction? Just curious. Don't ask her though it might just make her defensive.<P>And last, you might consider reading a couple of books which can help you to learn why you started drinking in the first place. I recommend 2: "Counter-dependency" and "Breaking free of the co-dependency trap" by Barry and Janae Weinhold. They have a website at <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> <P>I wish you all the luck in the world with your problems and your potential reconciliation. <P>Thoughts and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)

Dear thoughtful,<P>Yes, I have considered marital therapy for me and my wife now. But at this time I think she still feels that I'm hopeless and she has to move on for her sake and the kids sake. I can't TELL her that I'm clean and sober and feel like a fool for letting my life go down that path but she is seeing it.<P>She does understand that she has issues which caused her to live with my addiction. She's pretty smart and has done a lot of work in the past on improving herself spritually, but has been 'waiting' for me to get there too. She's angry that she waited so long.<P>I'm being very aware of her feelings and not asking for reconciliation, just supporting whatever she wants to do with her life and the kids as long as I don't think it's a bad idea. I truly believe that she loves me but is very hurt and angry and has no trust that I'll stay sober. <P>thanks for your response.<P>frank

Well, I just finished meeting my wife and the kids for dinner.<BR>This time she brought a friend with her (the one who doesn't like me<BR>much and is probably 'supporting' her decision to divorce).<BR>My 8 year old got upset when we were talking about future visits because<BR>I told her that mommy wasn't comfortable being around me and that she<BR>needed to understand that we probably won't be together. She says<BR>to me "I don't like it when you say that, mommy does love you, she just<BR>thinks that if you come to live with us you'll start drinking again".<P>Later I explained to my wife why my daughter was upset so she could<BR>talk to her too and she said to me "I saw her get upset and then you<BR>looked at me with a 'why are you doing this to us' look". (I looked<BR>at her for help with the situation). Then she said to me "I'm doing<BR>this so the kids can have a good life and so that you can also have<BR>a good life because I care about you."<P>I'm confused as hell. It seems like she really DOES think that if<BR>the family is together it will just go back to the old behaviors.<BR>I'm lost. If she does love me and is just afraid then the family is<BR>being hurt because of this.<P>What do I do?<P>frank

I fully understand how your wife is feeling (please read my profile). It is great that you are so willing to work on your marriage, and have started the road to sobriety. I can tell you that if you don't stick with AA, you will end up right where you were, but even worse off. My husband is a living example of this. <P>Your wife is most likely terrified of being hurt again by you. You chose alcohol over her. That made her feel like she was worth nothing to you. I know that is how I feel. My H is still in love with alcohol. I feel very used and abused most of the time. Al-Anon has helped me see that it's not my fault, but his. He chose to drink himself to oblivion almost every night. <P>Give this more time. A few weeks is no where near long enough for her to rebuild trust in you. Keep doing things that will assure her you mean it this time. Your actions previously proved to her that you can't keep a commitment. If she's anything like me, she is very vividly remembering all your broken promises. Keep reassuring her. <BR>Keep yourself sober. Keep going to AA, don't miss a meeting. If she won't go to counseling, go by yourself. Encourage her to attend Al-Anon. Your disease affects not just you but your wife and your children as well.

Dear "Alcoholic's Wife",<P>Thanks for your response. On tuesday I'll be getting a 39 day chio from AA. Still having a difficult time with communicating with my wife but at least we see each other when I come to visit the kids. I do my best not to be controlling or tell her what to do. Her lawyer sucks and just wants to sell our house get the money and break up the marriage asap.<P>I'm sorry that your life is not the best right now. Myea heart goes out to you.<P>frank

Hi Frank,<P>Congratulations on your chip coming up. <P>I would like to suggest a good book for you.<P>It is called Counter-dependency: The flight from intimacy.<P>You can read more about it at <A HREF="http://www.weinholds.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weinholds.org/</A> <P>Give it a read, you won't regret it. Plus their Conflict Resolution book could help both of you communicate in a reasonable, win-win way.<P><BR>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)

Deb,<P>Thanks for your suggestion. 30 days was today and I'm damn proud of myself. I still get a cold shoulder from my wife when I visit the kids, but it's occasionally punctuated with a moment or two of 'connection'. She says it's great that we are having a good relationship 'for the kids sake' but I told her it's for my sake because I choose not to live in the hell hole I had created for myself.<P>anyway, thanks to all.<P>frank