Thank you for responding. I live in Minnesota. I know that it will take a long time to repair the damage that the drinking caused. The problem is also the affect the other guy is having on my kids. The twins hate the fact that he calls at 7 in the morning and they don't get the time they used to get with their mom. How can I handle this without making the problems worse?

Sota Dad,

Are you able to help the twins in the morning? If not, can you respectfully ask your wife to please give priority to her children above this other man? I would ask that if she must talk to this man to please do so when your children are not there. Does she realize this upsets them?

Perhaps if you take the approach that you are concerned about your children and you know that she wants to maintain a good relationship with them... If the focus is on the BENEFITS FOR HER and the children RATHER than your dislike for her communication with the OM, than hopefully she will receive this with a more open heart.

By the way, you are totally justified in disliking her communications with the OM. To me that would be extremely difficult to accept. But you can not control her actions only yours.

You are being the responsible parent now. It's good that you are looking out for your children. They are really going to need your attention and focus right now. God bless!

I went into work late this morning. I had hoped that the OM would have called so I could talk to him and ask him not to call the house anymore. He didn't call. This is something that I should talk about with my wife first I guess. Whenever I want to do something to "fix" this it doesn't seem to go that way. I guess I should trust God to handle this and guide me. She does know that it upsets the children but she thinks that I am the one telling the kids not to like him, they don't like him on there own. The hard part is, they are friends with his kids too and talk to them so they feed off of eachothers feelings.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: sota_dad ]</small>

Sota,
Leah gave you some great advice!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Leah said: If the focus is on the BENEFITS FOR HER and the children RATHER than your dislike for her communication with the OM, than hopefully she will receive this with a more open heart.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Given the circumstances, your wife is probably having an emotional affair with the man. Do you know if they actually see each other, and if so, in what context? Do they work together? As Leah said, you are justified in not liking her behavior but you cannot control her actions, only your own.

Another couple of questions - you said your wife isn't spending as much time with the kids as before. Why is that? Because she's on the phone for hours at a time? Because she has other things that keep her from home or their activities?

Is it possible for you to decrease your workload to something more family-condusive, like 40 hours a week? Your kids really need a stable family life right now, someone they can definitely depend on - both emotionally and physically there for them. Do you feel your current family life is in a good place, regardless of your wife's actions?

Hello everyone (My guardian Angels =),

Wallace: I have not been here long enough to know your entire sitch, nor do I think am I in any position to offer any advice (Although I wish I could, with the great amount of advice you have offered to me!) But I am definately here to offer my support and lend an ear to when you need to get things off your mind. =)

Sota: Welcome to the board, although I know its a tough time in which you find yourself here. The good thing is everyone here is going through the same type of hurt and situations and can offer advice from their own experiences. Leah and Avondale have offered wonderful advice and i hope that you can use it for some sort of direction.

Me: Well this Friday I backtracked before I even started. It seems I try so hard to pump myself up to what I know I should do and when I see H, it goes down the drain and I revert to the old ways,trying to reason and control him to get what I want. He ended up leaving angry again and leaving me in yet another flood of tears and feelings of all hope gone.

This Saturday I received my copy of Surviving the Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. I read all weekend..what wonderful books! They have so much insight and offer great ideas for hope. I will continue to work on myself and that is the most important step for now. He still needs his time for healing and coming out of his own fog.

When he dropped the kids off Friday, I handled myself very well. Was cheerful to see the kids, said hello to him listened to him talk about there weekend with a smile on my face and even said my "Well you have a long drive ahead of you, better get going" first! It was the first time in these past 5 weeks that he left and I didn't cry or feel hopeless.

Any other suggestions for plan A actions?

Yes she sees him a lot. He moved out of his house into an apartment in Jan. She goes to his apartment to talk to him about the problems he is having with his marriage, she used to go to his house and talk to the two of them together, she hasn't been to his house to talk to his wife, now ex-wife, since he moved out. I talk to him too. I have been to his apartment, I picked up girlscout cookies on Saturday. The weekend before that we went bowling with our two families, less his ex-wife. My wife wants for me to be "friends" with him. I'm too sure how to take that one. I told her that I didn't think that was going to happen any time soon. I said I would be more comfortable with their "friendship" if she was a willing to seek councelling and not give up on our marriage. She said that she understood that but offered nothing. She doesn't feel that there is a need to change her behavior because in her mind it is over between us anyway. So I am stuck putting up with this as long as she continues or I can leave, which I don't want to do.
She is not spending the time with the kids in the morning before school because she is on the phone. I can't reduce my work hours because I am trying to catch up on some late bills, I'm working long hours to save a house that she doesn't want me in come spring...kinda ironic huh.
I get along really good with my kids and we have a lot of fun together, it is much better and we are a lot closer then we were when I was drinking more. But my wifes actions, mostly talking to the OM on the phone or going to see him really changes the mood in the house for everyone. She doesn't see it as an affair, just two friends talking. She will talk on the phone with him with me in the room and she will tell me or even ask if it would be alright if she is stops by his apartment to say hi. I tell her that I don't like it and I would rather she came right home. If I get upset over it that's when she likes to say that it's over wioth us anyway so what differance does it really make. What do I say to that?

Hi stacy,
Thank you for your warm welcome...as you can see from my member number I joined along time ago. I love the books and this sight...I went through this once before, with the same but the last time was worse, she did have an affair, she still says that it wasn't a physical one. I'm not sure we ever recovered from that. we went to councelling back then but we never got to deal with my most inportant emotional need, a sexual relationship. The councelor really just focused on her. It was more then two year that I waited before she said yes. She didn't want to read the books so I let it go. Maybe thats some of the reason for the drinking? I'm getting better now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: sota_dad ]</small>

well she left work early today and I went to go see if she was at the OM place. I passed her on the way. She wasn't there. I went to buy some groceries for supper and went home, she was there. She was headed back into town to buy something for work at officemax and asked if she had time she would like to swing by his place to talk anout a letter she wants to write to his ex-wife that she doesn't like anymore. I told her that I didn't like that idea too much and told her that it was hard on the kids and I the amount of time she is spending with him. She asked "what was she supposed to do" I told her she should not spend as much time with him and should not talk on the phone all morning as the kids are getting ready for school. I told her that the kids and I had a talk last night about how it bothered them. I told her that she could go and be with him if she wanted. I showed her some IM's that the kids sent to me when I was at work and she was on the phone. She folded them back up and tossed them back to me and got into her car and left. I don't know if she will be going over to his place or not but I would bet money that she does. I could use a lot of prayers for strength right now...I feel like I just kicked the bee hive.

It's not a total loss as at times you can get in here. Hopefully the memory thing can be worked out so we can continue on.